Pickled Foreskin

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

This topic crossed my mind with the announcement a couple of days ago that my uncle (well, aunt) had his first child. This got me thinking about the day I was born. I figured this could count as my attempt at getting weird search hits...

This requires a bit of background information.

Now, I know about circumcision, and I know it is done for sanitation reasons, but it also has biblical roots. While the Bible portrays Abraham as this brave and stoic cock slicer, I believe the conversation went something like:

A:Wait wait wait, you want...you want me to what?
G:Yeah, man, just cut off that excess part.
A:You know, I never hear Buddha's followers talking about weird crap like this...

I, Hojo, am the oldest child in my family, and being the oldest child means that my parents save everything. Locks of hair, toenails, blood clots, anything that is my first is documented. I knew this, so I decided to ask my mom about it. The actual conversation with my mom went a little something like:

Mom, what happened to my foreskin?
...It's gone.
But, like, you didn't save it?
God, no, that's gross.
What?! You don't have it in a jar of embalming fluid or something?
(laughs) No, genius. They probably sent it into the incinerator.
You mean he didn't pin it onto a "wall of fame" or something?
And So On...

From this conversation we can deduce:
•I am on WoW because I was raised in a frighteningly candid household
•My mom doesn't love me, her oldest child, as much as I thought

I never liked doctors before, but when I learned of their slash and burn tactics (insert obligatory "wood" joke here) I was horrified. What kind of sick person hacks away at a newborn's penis and then burns the "shavings?" I always thought cremation was my option, but they've already started without my consent.

I started to get seperation anxiety from my poor lost foreskin. And, as it is with aputees, I started to feel a tingle. My phantom foreskin was trying to reach me from the great beyond.

What is my point, dearest WoWees? I propose a constitutional amendment stating every excised foreskin be saved and given to the parents in a jar of preservational fluid.

There are positive aspects to this amendment:
+ Fewer scalpel-happy pyromaniacs going to medical school
+ Civics students will definitely be attending class the day they discuss the Pickled Foreskin amendment

The Negative:
- Our poor Jewish friends will forever have a memoir of their "rite of passage"

So, my friends, support the passing of the 28th amendment, one that could save lives.

Now it's time to sit back and watch those weird hits just roll in.