Cap'n Flak's Football Game Review

Monday, November 26, 2007

Well, for those of you that have the sincere pleasure of knowing me, you know that I am not what some would call a sports enthusiast. I won't even go into my "60-yard line" story. I can count the number of sports matches I have watched in their entirety on my... well, actually I can't because I really never have watched an entire game of any sport.

Anyway, thanks to some time well spent with Dr. Robert J. Murk (awesome), I recently started watching football, specifically the amazing, seemingly unbeatable New England Patriots. I mean, Jesus H. Christ (aka: Bill Belichick), can these guys pass that leather oblong ellipsoid around a white lined rectangle or what!?!?

Knowing more about the Jaglavak ant colonies propensity to attack termites in Cameroon than I know about the rules and regulations of football leaves me with a somewhat unique perspective on this modern day gladiator-like spectacle.

I fully admit to being dazzled, if not overwhelmed, by the mind numbing array of flashing graphics, the fact that the company I work for is an NFL sponsor and the extreme hotness of Quarter-Back Tom Brady (and if you don't think he is amazing, be you man or woman, you are either blind, retarded or dead.)

Furthermore, I admit that I don't know what the announcers are saying and I sure as hell can't decipher any of the statistical information (Brady: CMP-284, ATT-392 YRDS-3439, CMP%-72.4 OMG WTF?)

But, I do know this: the battle-like scenarios played out on those big green fields are fun to watch and, if so inclined, you can get sucked in faster than light particles entering a black hole.

I can't help but be impressed by players like Laurence Maloney?, Maroney?, Marooney?, whatever, who I watched literally shove his way through a pack of angry men, some of which are even bigger than me, to score a touchdown and put New England back into the lead, 31-28.

At one point, I switched over to FOX and watched Family Guy. I gotta tell you that is one seriously funny show. Did you see the part where Peter shows up at Meg's school and smashes the popular girl's face into a fire extinguish... wait, sorry. Back to the game.

I have to hand it to the team wearing the green uniforms. (Jets? No, EAGLES! Yeah, that's it.) They played their best and when I finally decided to go to bed (even though there was a mere 5 or 6 minutes left on the play clock thingy), I actually thought the Eagles might win!

OK, well, honestly, I figured they'd blow it. I was just being nice. You know, I even felt bad for the Eagles Stephen Gostko-something when he missed a 32-yard toss. Ouch. SUX2BU guy!

It felt weird when I woke up this morning to the sound of my 1-year old bouncing up and down on his bed while asking for his "milkies" and yet the first thought I had was "did the Pats win?" That's never happened to me before. So, I sat up, switched on NECN and I found out that, sure enough, the Pats added another victory to their record by beating the Philadelphia (?) Eagles last night at Foxboro Stadium in front of 68,000+ alcohol warmed screaming fans.

WAY TO GO, PATS!!!!

One more thing: people keep comparing the Pats to the 1972 Miami Dolphins with head coach Don Shula. When I hear that name, I can only think one thing...


...isn't that the guy in those NutriSystem commercials?