Hello Amerikanskis!
So many things to tell, Zangief not know where to start! Zangief back at last from long World Tour of Street Fighters! Zangief fight Rubber Band Man Dhalsim. Zangief stretch him out long and thin like linguini noodle then use him as jump rope. Don’t worry about Dhalsim. He bleed a little, but he bounce back. Zangief wad him up in ball when done.
Get it? Zangief make joke!
Even though Zangief lose to Ken’s Flaming Dragon Punch (again), Zangief get some mad bitches, yo! Zangief knock boots with many Street Fighter groupies. They bleed a little when Zangief done, but they ok.
The other day Zangief go to Zangief’s friend Malach the Merciless’s house with Zangief’s other friend The Angry Piper. Angry Piper say he want to pay Malach a surprise visit, and Zangief love surprises! Zangief and Angry Piper find Malach in small building behind Malach’s house. Malach call it his “art studio”. Angry Piper knock on door. “Open up,” say Angry Piper.
“Uh…who’s there?” Malach’s voice come from behind door. He squeak like female mouse.
“It’s me, Piper,” say Angry Piper.
“Oh…uh…hold on a minute,” say Malach. Zangief tired of waiting, so Zangief grab doors and pull them open. Zangief tear doors off hinges by accident! “Surprise!” Zangief yell.
Inside, Zangief find out Malach is true artist! Malach hard at work painting three naked men! All three scream in fear of Zangief and try to climb over couch, but all are covered with slippery oil and fall down in big pile on floor like Keystone Cops!
“Ho Ho Ho!!!” Zangief laugh.
One of Malach’s naked friends poke head up from behind couch. “Holy shit—it looks like the Russian has a huge papaya down his shorts!” he say.
“Oh, Christ,” say Angry Piper. Then naked men giggle like girls. Zangief consider giving them all Spinning Piledriver, but that might damage Malach’s painting, so Zangief decide not to.
“Why didn’t you call first?” Malach scream at Angry Piper.
“Because, Malach,” say Zangief, “Angry Piper want to surprise Malach!”
“Surprise,” Angry Piper say, not sounding excited at all. He cover eyes with hands. “Uh, maybe we should leave Malach alone with the Pet Shop Boys here, Zangief.”
Just then Zangief see something very cool. Zangief see bullwhip sitting on chair, and think of American hero Indiana Jones, who is really just ripoff of old Russian hero Slomensk Petrovitch! Zangief grab bullwhip and almost drop it, handle so greasy! Then Zangief pretend he is Slomensk Petrovitch and start whipping like crazy! Malach’s naked friends try to run away, but they so oily all they do is fall down over and over. One even start crying. It so funny!
“Ho Ho Ho!!!” Zangief laugh again.
Soon Zangief lose grip on bullwhip and wipe greasy hand on chest hair. Malach’s naked friends slip and slide out the door.
“Please don’t tell anyone about this!” Malach beg Piper and Zangief.
“Okeydoke!” Zangief give Malach thumbs-up sign.
“Whatever,” Angry Piper say. He still covering eyes.
Zangief think Malach not want to reveal naked masterpiece painting until it finished, so Zangief not tell anyone. After all, Zangief love surprises!
Zangief Back With Vengeance!
Zangief Blog Again!!!
Hello Americanskis!
Good news! Due to overwhelming response to first post, The Great Zangief is back for second installment of blog that sweep nation! Is good, no?
Zangief not always fighting in tournaments. Some days even Zangief relax. The other day, Zangief kick it with Zangief’s friend The Angry Piper. Angry Piper dress in skirt like female and squeeze wooden octopus that make noise that hurt Zangief’s ears, but Zangief like him anyway. Angry Piper take Zangief to Chinatown in Boston. Zangief very excited and think Angry Piper take Zangief to visit communist Chinese comrade Fei Long, but Angry Piper only want to show Zangief favorite place to purchase pornography. Angry Piper say he only go there on special occasions, but when we walk in, American shopkeep say “Hello, Angry Piper!” which make Zangief think Angry Piper maybe lie to Zangief about how often he go to porn store.
Looking at porn make Zangief very hungry, so Angry Piper offer to buy Zangief lunch at fine American McDonald’s restaurant. Zangief step up to counter and order, but annoying American teenage female pretend not to understand Zangief’s accent, so Zangief remove her from behind counter and give her Spinning Piledriver. After that, everyone want to help Zangief and ordering easy as borscht!
Zangief want to go back for fifth helping. “Jesus Christ!” say Zangief’s friend Angry Piper. “I just spent four hundred bucks on big girl porn! Cut me some slack, dude!” Zangief laugh and punch Angry Piper in arm. Zangief hear snap and Angry Piper scream and cry like female, but after a while he ok. While Piper crying and making spectacle of self, Zangief see familiar pair of American buttocks through McDonald’s window. “Look, Angry Piper!” Zangief say. “It is Malach the Merciless! He go into building across street!”
Angry Piper stare at building across street. “You’re kidding.” he say.
“Nyet,”say Zangief. “Malach go in there just now. Zangief recognize Malach’s buttocks anywhere. They white like Siberian snow.” Zangief and Angry Piper walk across street. Angry Piper look at building and shake head. Building name make no sense to Zangief. “What is ‘Ramrod’?” Zangief ask Angry Piper.
“It’s…uh…the thing they used to load guns with a long time ago. No way I’m going in there. This place is gayer than a Depeche Mode video.” He so funny. Zangief pick him up by neck like chicken and carry him inside, where we find Malach dancing with men. Most wear no shirt like Zangief. Many hairy, but Zangief hairiest one of all.
“Sweet merciful crap!” Malach say when he see Zangief and Angry Piper. He almost start crying, so happy he is to see us! One of Malach’s friends smile at Zangief. He have manly beard and moustache but dress like American Love Boat Captain Stubing. “You’re a big bear, aren’t you?” Malach’s friend say to Zangief. Zangief think maybe Captain Stubing with moustache is idiot.
Zangief not bear, but Zangief say he know many bears. Zangief wrestle with them all the time. Some bears give Zangief scars. “That sounds incredibly kinky. Count me in!” say Malach’s friend Captain Stubing. Zangief consider breaking his arms, but decide not to.
“Let’s go dance, big fella,” say another of Malach’s friends. He pull Zangief by arm until Zangief go with him. Angry Piper stay with Malach, who look just like Zangief’s cousin Ivan look when KGB come to door looking for him.
Dance floor must be small, because many of Malach’s friends dance very close to Zangief. Zangief do the dance where Zangief close eyes and spins arms like helicopter. It very fun. When Zangief open eyes, everyone lying on ground twisted in funny shapes. No one moving. They must copy Zangief dance, and Zangief tire them out!
Is good to have friends, no?
Zangief's Blog!
The great Zangief have good news! Zangief ran into good friend Malach the Merciless at parade. He holding flag with many colors, like rainbow. Malach march with many other men dressed in feathers, like birds. Some wear dress like female. It very funny!
Malach pretend not to see Zangief, but Zangief wait until end of parade and find Malach. He not hard to find because he wearing pants that show buttock cheeks, and he run away from Zangief. “Malach, you old so-and-so!” say Zangief, “Come, embrace Zangief as brother!” Zangief grab Malach and hug him like bear.
“Jesus Christ, you’re killing me!” Malach say.
“Not Jesus, Malach! Zangief!” Zangief say. Then Zangief laugh. Ho Ho Ho!! Like Santa.
Malach try to say something else, but he turning blue, so Zangief let him go. He bleed a little, but he ok.
Malach’s friend say “Hellooooo, nurse!” to Zangief. Zangief not know what that means, but is pretty sure it is insult, and anyway he touch Zangief’s chest hair, so Zangief give him backhand like female and Malach and Zangief alone again.
Zangief pick Malach up from ground, where he collapse from happiness at seeing old friend. “It been long time since Zangief and Malach together,” Zangief say. “How is Superstar wife and little babushkas? Send to them Zangief’s love.”
“Uh, sure,” say Malach. “Listen, Zangief, don’t mention you saw me here, ok?”
Zangief laugh. “Is Malach’s secret? Then OK, I say nothing.” But Zangief know Malach show buttock cheeks to attract female other than Superstar. Is nice to know that female find American man attractive for reason besides citizenship.
“I knew I’d find you here,” say voice from behind Zangief. Zangief turn and see Dr. Murk! But Murk not look at Zangief. He look at Malach. Malach look embarrassed to see Murk.
“Hello, Dr. Murk!” say Zangief. Zangief know Dr. Murk from therapy. Zangief see Dr. Murk for feelings of inadequacy stemming from repeated beatdowns at hands of Ken Masters, American Champion Street Fighter. Every time Zangief try to grab Ken for Spinning Piledriver or Final Atomic Buster, Ken hit Zangief with Dragon Punch. It hurt a lot, especially when Zangief catch on fire. But Dr. Murk make Zangief understand that Zangief is pretty special, anyway.
“Hello Zangief,” say Dr. Murk. Zangief clap Dr.Murk on back. He bleed a little, but he ok.
“And hello, smoking hot Asian wife of Zangief’s friend Dr. Murk,” Zangief say.
“Hello, Zangief,” smoking hot Asian wife of Dr. Murk say. She very hot. Like Chun-Li but not annoying. Not like Zangief’s wife at all. Zangief trade tractor for wife long time ago. It bad trade. Tractor still plow, but not wife.
“So, Malach,” Dr. Murk say when he stop bleeding from mouth, “care to explain why you’re marching in the Gay Pride Parade?”
“I’m not,” Malach say very fast. “I’m just talking to my good friend Zangief about the Wand of Wonder.”
“Then why are you wearing leather assless chaps?” say smoking hot Asian wife of Zangief’s friend Dr. Murk.
“I, uh…I always wear these,” Malach say.
“It’s true. He does.” Dr. Murk say.
“What is Wand of Wonder?” Zangief say. And rest is history!
So now the good news Zangief promise. Dr. Murk say Malach will host anything, so now Wand of Wonder is home to Zangief’s Blog!
Is good, no? Now Zangief can write about street fights he win and pottery classes he take, and write about good times with friends like Malach and Dr. Murk!
But now Zangief must go destroy rubber band man Dhalsim.
Dasvidaniya!
The 'Gief Speaks!!!!
Zangief thinks you should, too.