Just before I get started with my jokes for the Hump Day. I want to take a moment and say this is nothing personal men and to the women ...enjoy please. ~smooches~
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If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B. So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything.
B. One - men will screw up anything.
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
17 comments:
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A man has to do it for them.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be able to talk to someone who doesn't give them constant SHIT.
Did you hear about the woman who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
No, neither did I.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's better than sex with a middle aged woman.
What is gross stupidity?
Women.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: TAKE OUT THE FUCKING TRASH YOU LAZY BASTARD!
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Corvettes make men think of heaven, and a porcupine makes men think of the PAIN IN THE ASS HE MARRIED.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Who gives a fuck. Fetch me a chicken pot pie, bitch.
What is a woman's view of safe sex?
A vastectomy.
How do women sort their laundry?
Spotted and stained.
Why did God create woman?
Because you can't sucker a vibrator into marriage after it gets you pregnant.
Why were women given larger brains than dogs?
A. They have no brains.
B. All of the above.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"Women who don't endlessly complain about their fucking periods."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
Who gives a fuck? Men will screw anything.
How does a woman take a bubble bath?
She makes her husband watch the kids and make them dinner while she drowns her sorrows in a box of cheap blush wine and cries and cries and cries...
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
Who gives a fuck? Let's do it.
How can you tell if a woman is aroused?
She's bitching.
What do men and beer have in common?
Who gives a fuck? Get me a cold Bud, bitch.
What is the difference between a woman and E.T.?
Nothing. They're both reading your mind and making you do shit you don't really want to do.
Mine were better!!!!!! ~evil eye~
Why did the woman cross the street?
What? That bitch better get back in the kitchen!
How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
Fuck that. It's women's work.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told the bitch twice!
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
Oh That cracked me up! lol
What's a woman's view of safe sex?
Being under a TRASH CAN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hi
What's malach's view of safe sex?
Washing his hands!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
What's Captain Useless's version of safe sex?
Asking by cell phone BEFORE his jewish wife sees his ugly ass and feeds him a grilled cheese pizza from Gino's
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHA awesome.
What's Angry Piper's view of safe sex?
Taking the sheep to the vet first!
I'M NOT SCOTTISH!
What's Angry Piper's view of safe sex?
Drinking what's in the bottle before fucking it!
I named my penis "Chad the Usurper." He and his buddies Poncho and Lefty are inseperable except by surgical means.
Obviously you didn't read my blog with the ten CoMANdments. Thou shalt not name thy penis! It's CoMANdment number 5...
My view of safe sex? Banning Halbreds
And the view of Putin?
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