The time has come...
...to OUT Dr. Murk's wife.
Well, I'm going to be the one to do it.
Here is a picture of Mrs. Dr. Murk.
Ain't she sumthin'?
I want to throttle someone.
Dave.
Most of you know Malach the internet celebrity, some of you know Malach out of cyberspace. Malach is the Director of Disability Services for a very large non-profit in SouthEastern, MA. Malach is very good at his job, and gets refferred a ton of cleints. Recently I have even been chosen to do a number of presentations about what I do, and the company I work for, to our funding sources, and was filmed for a national Catholic Charities campaign (one of our funding sources). I might post the film here when I get a copy. We will see.
So, Malach is now dealing with the most frustrating case he has had to deal with in the 10+ years I have been working disability services. I was going to try and protect the client, but the client is so famous/infamous in the Greater New Bedford Area, I can't, but I did change his name so I won't get sued. Most people will immediatley recognize this guy. Dave is a homeless gentlemen with a traumatic brain injury (TBI). He lives in various places: The Capri Motel, the area around Coffin and Acushnet Avenue, with whomever will give him a room. He is not nessecarily bound to a wheelchair but uses one fairly extensively. He can be typically found hanging on the corner, flashing the peace sign to passing pedestrians and motorists. Much is of his day is spent hanging out, chilling with his homies. Unfortunatley that makes him a public nusiance, and he occasionally like to light up a joint right on the street.
Dave, was a very troubled youth, and "real bad dude", in his own words, before his TBI. He was a small time drug dealer, a thug, and would not hesitate to jump some random guy to steal his money. At age 19, he was a passenger in a motor vehicle vs. large boulder accident; he was not wearing a seatbelt. Injuries resulting from the accident included massive damage to his frontal lobe, part of which had to be removed. After 3 months in a coma, and two years of rehabilitation, Dave was left with severe balance and motor control issues in his lower extremities, and right side of the body, and a functioning IQ of around 85 (Boderline Intellectual functioning). Dave was immediatley put on SSDI, recieved rehabilitation services from MRC, and went home. This was 20 years ago.
To make a long story short. Dave's family, was less than capable of caring for Dave. His brothers were all gang bangers, and nowadays they are either dead, in jail or about to go to jail. Dave's mother (never knew Father) couldn't handle him, proceeded to take his settlement's from the accident, blow it all on drugs, and kick him out of the house. So needless to say Dave has spent the last 15 years, going from apartment, to the streets, to rooms, to hotel rooms, to the streets. Dave has been and out of jail, mainly for possession or marijuana. Dave got a rep payee about 8 years ago, which has helped stabilize his money issues but not his life.
Sowhere does Malach come in? As Dave has gotten older, his life has steadily gone down a downward sprial. Over the past 3 years, not only has Dave been chronically homeless, he has been arrested for possession 4 times and once for public exposure (urinating). The basic MO is as follows. Dave find a place to live (he can afford it), because of his mental fuctioning he becomes lonely and unable to do typical living skills. So he invites everyone off the street to come live with him, who more than take advantage of him. Either the house is overcrowded or the people he invites are big time dealers, so he gets evicted. Since he is known across the city as a possible dealer, and health hazard, landlords are leery to rent to him.
So several organizations have tried to take him on as a case over the past 5 years. Either Dave did not want the help, so they dropped; these organizations couldn't find any resources and dropped him; or they found a landlord to take him in and then drop him. Needless to say, in that time, Dave has not only burned a number of bridges with homelessness providers, he has the police, local businesses, and local politicians pissed off and annoyed with him. Again he does get arrested a number of time, but the corrections systems have no idea what to do with him, so let him go. He has spent no more than a week in jail.
So in October he came to Malach. At that time, he was homeless and on probabition. He had been homeless for close to a year. When the new Mayor came into office, solving Dave was a first priority for him, and the Mayor called Malach's boss, which turn made it Malach's poject. So right away Malach find out a few things.
1. Dave can not only afford an apartment, since he is been homeless for so long, he could probably afford a mortgage, and has a pretty good sum of money saved up.
2. Dave does not qualify for DMH services, the city had him committed and the found no finding, not surprisingly.
3. Dave does not qualfiy for DMR services, again not surprisingly.
4. While Dave does qualify for HUD based housing for the homeless, the local agency that does single men, refuse him entrance becuase of the amount of services he might need, and his drug use (they deal with mostly Herion and Crack addicts there).
That is about the extent of what previous organization have tried with him. So, Malach, works with his rep payee, and get him a hotel room for the time being. Malach immiediately recognizes that the only services Dave would qualify for is MRC-SHIP whch of course none of the other local service agencies were even familiar with. SHIP will not only provide him with housing, but staffing, and life skill training; what he really needs. In addtion, they can provide him with the Health Services he also needs and help him with his descision making. Ok, so MRC is slow moving organization taking anywhere from 3 - 6 months to get a client serviced. Malach not only applied locally, he applies directly to SHIP. In the meatime, in an effort to save Dave some money . . I got him a placement at our men's shelter in Tauton, a placement that took about a month to get. Needless to say, Dave was not happy there being away from his city and people, after about 2 weeks, he hopped a bus back to New Bedford, and once again was homeless. Still had not heard from MRC, so I began calling their Boston Main Office and began the MRC runaround.
It took no more than a day, for Clyde to find someone to rent a room to him. Malach was leery, but he stayed there for another month, all the while I was lighting (or trying tolight) a fire under MRC's ass. Of course the guy who rented the room was busted for selling crack, and the landlord purged the apatement; Dave was homeless again. Malach get's him back to the Capri, square one.
It has been 3 months now since submitting his application to MRC, and no matter who I call or speak too, they don't seem to get it. I am EXTREMELY frustrated, and so is Dave. I have tried everything. Public Housing/Disability (can't go, criminal record). Dave is awesome guy, he just needs the help. GET OFF YOUR ASS MRC!
I am Malach and Dave reconnects me to the street.
Hump Day ...what no jokes?
Sorry folks, I’m interrupting hump day jokes to bring you this ....
The HPV Vaccine (HPV stands for Human Papilloma Virus)
The HPV vaccine is a major medical advance in the fight against cervical cancer. Almost all cervical cancers are the result of an HPV infection. HPV is very common. Research shows that as many as 80% of sexually active people catch HPV at some time in their lifetime. It has been estimated that 30%-40% of sexually active females in college would test positive for HPV at any given time. Many people with HPV do not have any signs or symptoms. Roughly 6.2 million people in the United States are infected with HPV each year. The burden of this infection in the U.S. creates about 9,700 new cases of cervical cancer each year, as well at 3,700 annual deaths.
Bottom line ..it helps prevent cervical cancer.
I know most parents do not want to take their young daughter in to get this in fear that she might think it’s okay to have sex. But if you spoke with her and told her the reasons why she should have the vaccine she would understand and I believe in the long run she would be thankful you got her this help. But again ...the bottom line I see is ...IT HELPS PREVENT CERVICAL CANCER! And for those that say "my daughter is saving herself for marriage and would not benefit from this vaccine", I hate to say it but who is to say the man she gives herself to hasn’t given himself to someone carrying the virus. You just don’t know so why take the chance.
What are your thoughts? I have no kids but believe me if I had a daughter I would line up for this. Sure that’s easy for me to say not having a daughter, I do think and believe this is a great medical breakthrough and we should take advantage of it.
It would be like them finding a vaccine against lung cancer. Would it make you run out and smoke more? Would you hold yourself back from getting the shot? Or would you be thankful that there is something in this world that could help people? Or even a tetanus shot, would it make you run out and step on rusty nails?
This is not a joke .......IT HELPS PREVENT CERVICAL CANCER!
And for you men out there, currently there is no HPV vaccine available for men. However, studies are underway to prove the effectiveness of a HPV vaccine for males.
Thank you for your time, Hump Day Jokes will resume next week.
The Moral of this Story?
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
So this 52 year old guy was sentenced to 200 years for possession of twenty images of child abuse on his computer…
This guy, however was sentenced to 152 years for actually molesting TWO twelve year old kids.
So I guess if you have sick urges it's better in this case to just give in, right? I mean the 52 year old pervert is clearly a danger to society, and should be somehow dealt with, but I'm a little tired of seeing crazy shit like this when you have people convicted of actually murdering and raping out of jail after a mere 30 years.
One would almost think sentencing laws are based on the hysterical revenge fantasies of society instead of justice.
Today's WoW Visual Trivia
QUESTION:
Who put the Recognizer in the Roadway?
Who put the Recognizer in the Roadway?
ANSWERS:
a) The clever little bitch Mr. Malach The Merciful.
b) Dude, don't be stupid. It was Sark.
He's a dick. Everyone knows that.
c) I don't care what a recognizer is because
I just want to have sex with Cap'n Flak!
d) DICK.... CHENEY!
Shift Happens
Monday, February 26, 2007
This is very interesting, it made me think.
I am Malach and I am being filmed at 1:00PM EST.
A public service announcement to those in the Boston area
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Do not use http://boston.openguides.org for anything. I know it may come up first on a Google search, if you type in a location name, but the place is actually as useful as a screen door in a submarine.
I looked up a place using them and the address was totally wrong. Too bad I didn't find this out until I missed the event I was trying to get to!
Why?
Because the site is an wiki. Not only that, it's a wiki with NO sign up requirements, you can just post anonymously, and thus anyone can add whatever the fuck they want! That's a bad enough problem with intentional vandalism, but it's even worse when you let some passenger on the internet shortbus post their idiocy.
So I ask a simple question; Why the FUCK do you have a site that is supposed to be a "go to" for finding places in Boston if you, as the reader, can't trust that any of the shit that is there is real?! For fuck's sake, if you want a site that lets people post opinions about great spots in Boston fine, but don't have a field for the ADDRESS and PHONE NUMBER if that is not guaranteed to be 100% accurate! Why is that such a hard concept!?
Assholes. Stupid stupid assholes.
I hope they catch on fire.
Christmas Podcast
Hey guys and dolls! Just wanted to personally apologize for how late the Christmas Podcast was! Sorry! Ha ha. Got a little busy there, ya know???? :)
Ahhhh.
Now.
Fuck you Malach. You bitched for 2 straight months. "Where's the Podcast?" "Where's the Podcast?" "Where's the Podcast?" Well, fist off, see how it's only an hour and change long? It takes time to cut that up. You two hacks walk in farting and eating my food, record for two hours and then pat yourselves on the back for how hard you work and how funny you both are.
You two are funny 1/2 the time. The other half is burping, sighing, giggling um um um umum. It takes 5 hours of editing to clean up 1 hour of recording. Then, I have to reset the volume levels so that when one of you two clowns moves his mike too close or too far, it sounds normal or as close to normal as possible. Another 2 hours. Then, I have to add the effects like bleeping J*sse D*b*c's name 15 times and doing the vices for Jon Bennet and friends. 4 hours. The, the interview. 8 hours. That's 24 hours, not counting save time and upload time. Any time you want to buy the expensive mics, the software and spend 2 years learning to squeeze every square bit of it, you can take the job!
As far as it sucking, it did until I cut half of it. You cite the Jacko interview and the Jon Bennet thing... both POST production to pull this LOUSY podcast out of the crapper it was in. So, shut the fuck up already.
And Crumb, any time YOU want to make a podcast, go ahead. Until then, don't say a fucking word about how many I should or shouldn't have completed.
It's been well chronicled on my blog and here that I am going through some major life changes. Big deal. Aren't we all right? Well... no. Not like this. I'll let you in on one episode where my arms seemed to stretch across the kitchen a good 20 feet. Messing with the brain's chemicals is nasty scary business.
So, have a bit of sympatico. Especially if you're the one who claims to deal with 'people like me' every day. I hope you treat your clients better than you treat your brother.
Mitt Romney, the exclusive interview with the WoW.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Thurday 2/22/07; Gold Base, Gilman Hot Springs, CA, 3:42 AM .
The WoW caught up with presidential candidate Romney on the campaign trail in California. He agreed to do this exclusive interview for the WoW to show how he is perfect to lead this country.
The WoW (W): So Mitt, you want to be president, why?
Mitt (M): Mitt wants the presidency, yes Mitt does. He wants it so he can come in to each persons home every night and tuck them into bed, and provide a better United States for all of Mitt's subjects. Their eyes plead to Mitt.
W: How do you propose you accomplish that?
M: Well Mitt has ideas, brilliant ideas. Mitt thinks to him self, what is wrong with the world today? The War in Iraq, sure; our failing economy, hardly; global warming, hey I hate winter. No the one big problem Mitt sees in this world is the destuction of family. Between all the faggots, dead beat dads, and lack of polygamy in this country, our family structure has fallen apart, and this not only makes Mitt mad, it makes the all-mighty Xenu mad as well. Mitt must be the next GodKing!
W: What? Xenu? GodKing?
M: Mitt did not say Xenu, he said Mormontolgy Jesus-
W: No you did - -
M: Do not talk back to Mitt! I am not finished! So Mitt will solve the world's problems as follows. Anyone who is a faggot, an unmarried parent, or any man married to only one person will be immediatley executed, that will solve the problems of excess population, the poor, and homosexuality in one swoop. Can we fix it? YES MITT CAN!
W: So you plan on killing most of the population of the US?
M: Do not put words in Mitt's mouth, Mitt is not killing anyone, unless they can provide me an adaquate blodd supply, yes, Mitt needs blood, but no dirty fag blood.
W: What the -
M: Stop interrupting Mitt, blasphemer, and after I invade China, and and replace all the Chinese with good Mormontologist, the US will be buying Chinese goods from the US (at this point Romney breaks out is insane high pitched laughter which lasts about 2 minutes).
W: --- Um, your nuts.
M: Dez Nutz? Do you want Mitt's Nutz? I knew you were a fag, gaurds get him! They are so huge that they won't fit into a Hutt's Mouth! GUARDS!
W: Who are you talking too?
M: What are you talking about, Mitt is famous, Mitt interviews for Wand of Wonder! When Mitt President he will make it illegal for anyone but him to read Wand of Wonder now start dancing fagboy! Mitt President! Reading the Wand of Wonder! Beetles in Mitt's Eyes!
W: What is all this about Blood, China, Homosexuality? You have me confused!
M: No more confused that a fag gently pumping his lovers buttocks, slowly and pleasurably! 1 - 2 - 3 AND THURST! Oh yes, take that it Elroy Jetson! Mitt must have your Blood. (the high pitched laughing begins again). Fill the crevice with your mighty red juice of life! I need DEZ NUTZ! Mitt has seen the golden plates! Mitt has seen the inner circle! When the DC 8s come, only Mitt can save you!
W: Mitt, what about a womans right to choose?
M: What did you say? (Mitt becomes very red with rage, his face contorting into frightening contortions and just then 76 Plymouth Caravan Van appear, three men in gold jumpsuits jump out, grab Mitt and drive off). I am left with only this card.
I am Malach and I am scared!
I, Captain Flak Paperpants, have discovered the greatest Presidential Candidate the WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
it will take some keen science and,
perhaps a touch of science fiction,
but I honestly believe we can combine
Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama
into one, single super female minority
awesome candidate known only as....
perhaps a touch of science fiction,
but I honestly believe we can combine
Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama
into one, single super female minority
awesome candidate known only as....
BARAHILL OBAMALINTON!
BEHOLD THEIR COMBINED
MIGHT AND POWER!!!!
I thank you for your time.
This message approved by Barahill Obamalinton.
BEHOLD THEIR COMBINED MIGHT AND POWER!!!!
I thank you for your time.
This message approved by Barahill Obamalinton.
Today's WoW Visual Trivia
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
ANSWERS:
a) The nape of Cindy's Morgan's neck!
b) The awesome graphics in the TRON Arcade!
c) Some teenager that was totally checking him out!
d) The MCP. MY GOD, IT'S THE MCP! RUN! RUN! RUN!
QUESTION:
What is David Warner,
circa 1984, looking at?
What is David Warner,
circa 1984, looking at?
a) The nape of Cindy's Morgan's neck!
b) The awesome graphics in the TRON Arcade!
c) Some teenager that was totally checking him out!
d) The MCP. MY GOD, IT'S THE MCP! RUN! RUN! RUN!
Hump Day Jokes ...
What insect crows at sunrise?
... A cockroach.
... A cockroach.
Why did mama Flea look so sad?
... All her children were going to the dogs.
What do bugs have that no other animal has?
... Baby buggies.
What is the best year for grasshoppers?
... Leap year!
~*~*~
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
~*~*~
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices
when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out
the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away
beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute,
she says. "Sure had a big dick."
~wicked hump day love~
Adminstrative Issues
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
OK, we have not switched to the new Blogger.
It has confused some of our contributers here, but Blogger/Google is unable to switch the WoW at this time as it is "very popular, high bandwidth, has a lot of members, and a lot of articles". So, you cannot sign into this blog using your Google ID. When you get to the sign in screen, there is a link that says "sign in using old Blogger" or something to that effect. It will take you to a different sign in screen, and you sign in using your old account information.
Google/Blooger is "well aware of the situation" and they are "working to fix it" for about 3 months now.
Some fun keyphrases WoWees use to find us
As always it amazes what web search phrase people use to find us, especially the funny ones. As an aside, a recently popular one used to find my website: Naked Kate.
psycho sociology of klingon fans - So if I get this one correct, your are trying to figure out the sociology of psycho kilngon fans. Well, this would have been a good thesis for my ex-fiance'.
health gord difficult to swallow regurgitating food and drink - Yeah I got something else that is difficult for you to swallow.
dukes of hazzard hup ton zum downloaden - Ehh we speaka no engrish
home clothes squizze machine - This has to have to do with something about the Angry Veteran
briefs squizze ya balls - Hey, don't you idiots know how to spell Squeeze?
youtube blak girl sex - uh, try a porn video site.
what color is the blue scooby doo behr paint - Scooby would be brown.
there's one thing i want to say so i'll be brave you were what i wanted i gave what i gave i'm not sorry i met you i'm not sorry it's overi'm not sorry there's nothing to save - nothing a self inflicted gunshot wound won't cure.
something you throw away - Wow, my next GoogleBomb project, something your throw away
meth-fueled orgy gay sex - And that is the Angry Piper.
i saw my sister mastubate - I saw her too bucko
angry wife puts smelly feet on husbands face dvd - I though I destroyed that video.
anatomy of a vagaina - What the Hell is a vagaina?
mexican child porn - Toyi's fault
OK, I listened to the Murk and Malach Show.
I and must say, Mukr has no idea what he was talkng about. I had to stop it several times as co workers thought I was dying I was laughing so hard. Check it out. Some highlights . . . The Jacko interview, JonBenet meet her new roomate, and Murk imitating the Angry Veteran having sex . . . and THURST! 2, 3, 4 THURST!
I am Malach and I am the father of Tom Brady's baby.
How to Explain ENRON to Your Children
The following system can be used to explain the biggest corporate bankruptcy (that is, until WorldCom, a few months later). Simply explain each economic system in terms of what happens to your two cows.
Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
WoWism:
You have two cows. You take pictures of the cows, digitally modify them and post them up on the blog. You receive several insulting comments which causes you to post a separate message about how you were just trying to contribute and that there is nothing wrong with digitally modified images of your cows. Your post is ignored, save one comment from a incest porn site. You sell the cows for beer money.
Cowabunga, dude!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Dude, my buddies and I are, like,
totally psyched for this movie!
Dude, my buddies and I are, like, totally psyched for this movie!
The podcast she is up Cap'n!
*NEW* Show 13: Christmas with the Piper *NEW*
Yeah Buckos its late, and Murk says it is the biggest piece of crap he has ever heard, but it is here, Murk and Malach Christmas 2006. With our annual Christmas guest, the Angry Piper, we have a disgusting egg nog drinking contest, we interview Jacko, give out presents, and we get Jon Benet Ramsey in a Jar a new playmate. Merry Christmas! 2 months late.
MP3 or Real Media
I am Malach the King of all Internet Media!
What a scam!!!
uhmmm, you know I am sooo through with Airlines, I travel regularly out of the country and the scams are always handy, now I realize that is not only to travel out of the country but also in local flights.
Well is incredible how things change and I don't understand why this hasn't been caught by any bureau yet.
In old days a person was used to book a flight and that was it, you pick where you want to sit, even the rates where more stable being permanent for at least 2 or 3 days etc etc.
Now a days, you go on line and try to buy a flight, the rates change any minute and even change from seat to seat, the worst thing is that you are buying a seat that is not yours because I believe after 911, airlines have claim nothing else but losses, yet let me tell you that I do believe is backwards.
By my own experience and because I also buy the tickets for family members, I have realize that airlines are only winning lots out of this, here the trick... and please have it very present when you travel, If the airline is telling you to be there within 3 hours for check up, you better be there right 3 hours before... otherwise you could be sent home.
This is what they do, e.i. If the plane has 100 seats, the airline will book 200 or so... the 1st 100 people to check up will be the ones to go, everybody else (the ones who came 2 hours or so before departure time) will be sent home or as they wish; placed in the next plane, charge a fee (for being late) and also charge the difference in rate for the flight that they will be boarding. So just figure, if 30 people were left and desired to take the next plane... that plane will be already overbooked plus 30 more seats taken.... we can assume 30 people in the next flight will be left + the ones who where overbooked and got there less than 3 hours to departure time, What the airlines are lossing? Nothing, nothing, the customers are.. we are, we end up paying more plus receiving a bad customer service.
That happened to me in a trip to Florida, thank God that I fought and got to flight the next day with no fees or increases, but I guess I was just a little lucky, but other friends of mine have not had the same luck, so....
Remember, next time you travel, make sure to be there 3 hours earlier not less... so you are sure that the Airline will not give you its back.
My New Pipes
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Actually, these German bagpipes belong to Wulf, one of my MySpace friends (which means he's not someone I actually know).
They sure do sound cool, though. And they look like they could tenderize a steak.
Check out what they sound like here.
Heart disease and science's retardation of life
Now that I have partaken in the "Dangerous Bug" bit........which by the way, Fat Bug is still an ass-kickin comic....
I have a rant!
With that said.....
THIS SHIT IS WRONG!
Experimenting on animals for any reason is WRONG. God did not put us here to genetically re-create dis-ease in animals so that we can figure out how to remain alive for 10 more years.
Guess what?
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
And if you have an issue with not wanting to develope heart dis-ease, STOP EATING FATTY FOODS!
Idiots.
I'm not saying to go out and join PETA......no......but I do think that you should educate yourself on the practices of experimenting on animals, buy animal friendly products and write to your representative and let them know how you feel about scientific research being done on animals, especially in a case such as this.
Request that the United States follow the example of the United Kingdom and the European Union and ban testing on animals.
Representatives:
The Honorable ____________
U.S. House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515
find your representatives at www.house.gov
Senators:
Senator ____________
U.S. Senate
Washington, DC 20510
find your representatives at www.senate.gov
SAVE THE ANIMALS!!!!
No, You Dorks...
Friday, February 16, 2007
This is the world's most dangerous bug. Don't believe me? This is Dr. Mantodea, as drawn by one of his "experiments" who miraculously escaped the Doc's secret island laboratory. The artist was once a Nobel Prize-winning geneticist. Now he just drools a lot.
Dr. Mantodea is without a doubt the world's most dangerous bug, for bug he is, having lost whatever vestigial remnants of humanity he possessed. Can Fat Bug make a nuclear weapon? Not likely. Is whatever the hell that thing the Cap'n posted a pic of contemplating the destruction of humanity even as we speak? Doubt it.
But Dr. Mantodea is.
I support you, Malach!
Actually, I have no ideaif it is dangerous or not.
I just know that I would
freak the fuck out if I saw one.
Yes, I am a bug-fearing pussy.
Malach has a favor to ask.
I am trying to create a Google Bomb.
So this morning, looking at my webstats, I have noticed my site got hit once for the phrase world's most dangerous bug. Of course I assumed it was Fat Bug, and looking at Google, Fat Bug shows up in like the 3 page for that phrase.
So here is the favor. Anywhere you possibly can, forums, blogs, whatever, type the phrase world's most dangerous bug and link it directly to the Fat Bug main page. This page right here. Hopefully give it a month or so, and I am hoping that if you type world's most dangerous bug, or even dangerous bug and hit I'm Feeling Lucky, you will go right to Fat Bug.
Thanks buckos and WoWees.
I am Malach and I love the "Googe".
Today's Crime Against Nature
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Nerds: like Spider-Man because he is everything they aren't
Children: Like Spider-Man because he...is...ok, so there isn't much of a difference.
Still, how can you take one of the coolest comic book heroes of all time and make him sing an insultingly relevant song while doing gangsta rap poses? And, on top of that, they kept Tobey Maguire's voice.
I'm very disappointed in you, Stan Lee. If you had only told me you were in the hole I'd give you a place to stay until you can get back on your feet. This is not the answer.
I Haven't Read a Damn Thing On Here in Days!!!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Read this.
In other news, people are killing people right now and it's your job to grab a gun and stop them. Design your costume and GET OUT THERE!
And go visit some sick people in the old folks homes. Love that smell.
Happy sailing
Murk
Have a Realistic Valentine's Day
Happy Hallmark Day!
Pay $3 for a folded piece of thick paper with ink on it that costs literally cents to mass produce.
Pay an unreasonable amount for a plant that will die in a week that came free from the ground you walk on.
Buy the person in your life a mineral that is sold in minute quantities to keep demand and price up but is in huge reserves at the source.
Buy that special someone a liquid that is easily produced by the gallon for low costs but somehow increases exponentially in value when it is placed in a spray bottle that has someone's name on it. Bonus points if it contains foreign words or the names of foreigners on the box. The more expensive, the better it smells.
Do you smell it? It's the stench of capitalism.
Feed the greed. The media encourages you to give in to those romantic thoughts you think you've been having on this day. You haven't had a psychological seed planted into your subconscious by societal expectations at all. You really are above peer pressure. You don't need to fit in. Expensive gifts are necessary. Those really are your thoughts. You really do love him or her. You're perfectly happy. This is your day. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
Happy Valentine's Day, o' ye sniveling slaves of the grind.
Happy St. Valentines Day!
On this date in 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre"
took place in a Chicago garage as
seven rivals of Al Capone's gang
were brutally gunned down.
Hump Day Jokes...
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says,
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
~*~*~
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terribly, doctor, terribly." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
~*~*~
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was neveryours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
~*~*~
Happy Valentines Day Everybody!
~wicked love to all the lovers out there~
Happy Valentines Day from the WoW
Love, I get so lost, sometime . .
I am Malach, and Dr. Murk is crying right now after seeing this post (Ok Malach too).
Inside The Triangle
The Bridgewater Triangle is a 200-square-mile region in Southeastern Massachusetts with a long history of strange, paranormal and sometimes evil activity.
The points on the triangle include the towns of Abington (at the top), Rehoboth and Freetown (at the bottom corners).
Produced and released in 2003, "Inside The Bridgewater Triangle" documents the history of this triangular region and exposes the many stories that have emerged there. The film begins with the strange happenings in the Hockomock Swamp in Bridgewater, Massachusetts.
There, witnesses claim to have seen many mystical animals in the swamp ranging from Bigfoot to giant prehistoric birds.
The film chronicles the series of UFO sightings that have occurred throughout the triangle. Following the section on UFOs, the film documents the triangle's abundance of Native American folklore. The incident at the Grassy Island burial ground in Dighton, the unexplained inscriptions at Dighton Rock, the geological phenomenon at Profile Rock in Freetown, and the strange occurrences at Anawan Rock in Rehoboth are all covered in this section of the film.
Lastly, the film uncovers the truth behind the satanic activity in the Freetown State Forest, thanks to the cooperation of retired Freetown police officer Alan Alves.
"Inside The Bridgewater Triangle" is not an attempt to prove these alleged happenings as truth, but rather challenges viewers to make their own judgment regarding these claims.
Regardless of your feelings about the subject matter, "Inside The Bridgewater Triangle" is an interesting, detailed investigation into one of Massachusetts' most fascinating regions.
BOLT of Stupidity
From the AP wire:
Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer was fired Monday night in a shocking move by team president Dean Spanos, who cited a "dysfunctional situation" between the coach and general manager A.J. Smith.
Less than a month after San Diego's NFL-best 14-2 season was wrecked in a playoff loss to New England, Spanos cited the exodus of both coordinators and other assistants in firing Schottenheimer, who had a year left on his contact.
"The process of dealing with these coaching changes convinced me that we simply could not move forward with such dysfunction between our head coach and general manager," Spanos said in a statement. "In short, this entire process over the last month convinced me beyond any doubt that I had to act to change this untenable situation."
Comment:
Are you serious? 14 and 2 and you fire the guy? Who are you possible going to hire that is going to get you a better result than 14 and 2?
Wow. Yeah, he chokes in the playoffs. But, hello, he gets you to the playoffs. Good work, Spanos.
The Captain's Great Uncles are back in the news!
Cleghorn set standard for CH blue-liners
Souray on pace to join 1920s icon, who was last Canadiens rearguard to lead team in points
DAVE STUBBS, The Montreal Gazette
Published: Monday, February 12, 2007
Early in 2004, three months into a career-best season and a freshly minted first-time National Hockey League all-star, Canadiens defenceman Sheldon Souray was hearing his name used in the same sentence as the late, legendary Doug Harvey.
Souray's goal and five assists that January against Pittsburgh broke the record for points in a game by a Canadiens defenceman, held jointly by Harvey and Lyle Odelein. But hearing his name mentioned with Harvey's? A Hall of Famer and 13-time all-star who won six Stanley Cups between 1952-60, seven Norris trophies as the league's best defenceman, and captained the Canadiens?
"The only Harvey they've ever associated me with," Souray joked, "is the place you go to build your own burger."
Now, three seasons later, some mention Souray in the same breath as Sprague Cleghorn, a Canadiens' blue-line icon of eight decades ago. In keeping with his fast-food theme, Souray should know there's a Cleghorn House of Pizza not far from Boston.
Souray leads the Canadiens with 18 goals and 28 assists, outpacing the 16-28 of captain Saku Koivu.
Opinion is divided on the fact that a defenceman leads the Canadiens in scoring. Is this a case of a rearguard enjoying a wonderful year, or a troubling sign of the club's offensive malaise?
You'll need to rewind to 1921-22 to find the last time a defenceman led the Canadiens in points at season's end. Cleghorn had 17 goals and nine assists in 24 games, the most productive season in his 10-year NHL career; his 26 points were two better than his younger brother, Odie (short for Ogilvie), who had 21 goals and three assists.
Sprague Horace Cleghorn, a Montrealer nicknamed Peg by his legion of fans, played 98 of his 259 regular-season NHL games with the Habs from 1921-25. He saw the balance of his action with the Ottawa Senators, Toronto St. Pats and Boston Bruins, after playing six seasons with the pre-NHL Montreal Wanderers of the National Hockey Association.
Cleghorn was a hulk in his day, 190 pounds on his 5-foot-10 frame, and perhaps hockey's first rushing defenceman. He also was the most feared player of his generation, not exactly a genteel product of his schooling at Westmount Academy; his flagrantly high stick and ugly demeanour were an exclamation mark for his explosive temper, often used in defence of Odie, a hardrock who needed no help.
Cleghorn, Slap Shot's three Hanson Brothers rolled into one, lived to torture the Senators, for whom he once won the Stanley Cup. In consecutive games in 1922, he attacked Frank Boucher and goalie Clint Benedict.
Then that Feb. 1 in Ottawa, he fractured Frank Nighbor's arm with a slash, carved Eddie Gerard for a zipper of stitches and split open Cy Denneny's face, driving him head first into the boards.
"If some of the goons with long hair I see in modern-day hockey ever met Cleghorn, he'd shave them to the skull," former opponent and NHL president Red Dutton much later told writer Trent Frayne. "You never wanted to fall in front of Sprague, because he'd kick your (family jewels) off."
Souray's 10 minutes in penalties against the Senators this season would have been one dull period's work for Cleghorn. Indeed, Montreal's police chief of the day was asked - but declined - to arrest Cleghorn after a repulsive incident against Ottawa's Lionel Hitchman in the first game of the 1923 semifinal.
The Hitchman affair on March 7, 1923 at Montreal's Mount Royal Arena was the most inglorious of Cleghorn's career, a brutal butt-end to the temple that concussed his opponent.
Earlier, Ottawa's Denneny had been clubbed over the head by Canadiens defenceman Billy Coutu, who drew a match penalty from referee Lou Marsh.
"It's all Marsh's fault," Cleghorn told the Montreal Herald. "His refereeing is enough to drive anyone crazy. Hitchman went after me as soon as he got on the ice, and I retaliated. Hitchman got no penalty, I get the gate and am made the goat. No one will be a hero at my expense."
But Canadiens coach Leo Dandurand was so disgusted by the violent acts that he suspended Cleghorn and Coutu for the second game of the total-goals semifinal, and fined each $200. He was unmoved when his team passed the hat, prepared to pay the fines themselves.
The weakened Canadiens' 2-1 win in Ottawa two nights later wasn't enough to overcome their 2-0 loss at home.
The Senators went west to play Vancouver and Edmonton, against whom they'd finally win the 1923 Stanley Cup.
The following March in Ottawa, soon to win his third and final career Stanley Cup, Cleghorn destroyed Buck Boucher's knee and butt-ended Hitchman in the eye. A horrified spectator included the Governor-General's wife, Lady Byng, who a year later would donate a trophy to be awarded to the NHL's most gentlemanly player.
Never did it go to Cleghorn, who boasted of his "50 or more stretcher-case brawls."
But through it all, he could score, and in 1921-22 he was the most productive Canadien of all, a distinction fellow defenceman Souray is chasing 85 years later.
Cleghorn was elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1958. He was 66 two years earlier when he was struck by a car in Montreal, the injuries taking his life a month later at St. Luc Hospital.
Hours before Sprague's funeral, Odie Cleghorn was found dead in his bed. Heart failure, the coroner said, but those who knew the brothers said Odie succumbed to a broken heart.
Tears were shed, and they weren't, when Sprague Cleghorn was buried in Mount Royal Cemetery.
Rest In Peace, Great Uncles!
February is made for WoW Birthdays.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
3 that I know of.
YPG, who birthday was earlier this month, Dr. Murk, who is tomorrow, and Masta Aasta who's is on the 13th. Happy Birthday!
Did I miss any of you?
And know for you, the new brithday traditional song, Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary, by Zack Wilde, Geddy Lee, and Master Shake.
I am Malach, and I am 8 years old.
I've got your time machine right here
Friday, February 09, 2007
Go here.
If listening to that theme song doesn't bring you back to the 1980's, nothing will.
Post Concussion Syndrome and Contact Sports
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Soon, my WoWees.
Many of us have beenn slowing hearing about ex football players specifically, whom in their forties are suffering from depression, anxiety, and alzheimer's like symptoms brought on by excessive concussions over their playing years. Harry Carson (who can barely recognize his family half the time), Ted Johnson, the recent suicide of Andre Waters, all the results of post-concussive symdrome have dominated sport news. Aikman, and Young retired early because of it. Soon a very famous ex-football player is also coming out, he is in his forties and was a all star strong safety . . . he can't even memorize a 4 digit number combination. And it is not only Football. There are issues in Hockey, Pro Wrestling, and Soccer.
Malach has had from what he can recall, 2 concussions is his life. One was from a really bad car accident, and I still don't remember the event or the days surrounding it. And I got my bell rung where I lost balance, and saw stars from heading a soccerball. So now imagine how many consussions and pro football player has suffered in the course of a year.
The equipment is so good, you can play at a level that would kill you unequipped; athletes are bigger, stronger, and faster, and in part more fearless; and their is a macho, suck it up attitude in sport. Yes, catastophic injuries are down in the NFL. Healthcare, and care after minor injury is better, they have gotten rid of the old school astroturf, and yes, the equipment is better, but the concussion lingers.
And what does the NFL do about it? Like cigarette companies of the past, or the oil companies today, they hire their own scientists and doctors to refute these studies. The NFLPA cares nothing for older players, and their pension is not adequate. More and more older players are having cognitive issues, and being diagnosed with brain injuries. Is is shown over and over that the repetitive concussions, especially have a concussion before you recovered from the last one, is causing a lot of this.
Chris Nowinski, an all american football player for Harvard, and former professional wrestler is someone who had to retire form wrestling at 26 becuase of concussions. He has a book coming out about it. It will be a must read.
Now many of you are not gonna care . . . "Hell, these guy made millions playing", but should we not care for people who have entertained us by putting their bodies on the line?
Plugs.
Malach hasn't posted some plugs in a few weeks, so here comes some:
1. New JesusMan! 5.2
2. BAM!
3. An supposedly Murk is releasing the X-Mas Podcast soon, even though he thinks it is the biggest "piece of shit he's ever heard". The Legend continues.
BIG WOW DEATH NEWS!
Anna Nicole Smith! Man, what a last 5 months of her life. Piper would still do her.
Cause we all need a little Handbanana
I am Malach and I am Kung Fu Fighting
Confrontation at the South Gate
It was so dark that night. Darker for him than it was for me, I suppose. I was alone, waiting in bitter silence. Even though I had been told exactly what to do and what to say, I still felt the nervousness pour over me like the fear a child senses in the sheer unknown.
I could see him getting closer and closer to me and I knew I had to follow through with the task I had been assigned. I had been stationed there to obtain his precious secrets or commit the ultimate crime.
Or both.
As he approached, I started to feel sorry for him. He had no idea what was about to happen and there was not enough light for him see the way.
He had built the floor upon which he now walked and he knew its shape and form better than anyone else... especially me.
I simply could not stand for that any longer. I had spent enough time in the shadows, chasing my just and lawful rewards.
Deep inside, I knew there was no way he was going to tell me what I wanted to hear. I knew that I was going to have to kill him and then dispose of the body, hopefully never to be found. I knew that once the implement of my jealous intentions was placed within my grasp, I would have no choice but to use it.
I feared the time had come for me to take a life and, perhaps, face the consequences.
Once he was close enough, I forcefully took hold of him and noticed the startled look that flashed across his face. His body tightened and his knees started to give out. Clearly, this man had never faced such a situation. It was an odd combination of feelings to both hold him up and take him down.
In that moment, it became clear to me that I finally had the advantage over this "great master."
As I insisted, he resisted. As I pushed back, he moved forward. As I pleaded, he denied. I warned him once, twice, three times, but it was not enough. He tried to move past me again, and so I dealt what I thought was the final blow.
I was wrong and then I retreated into the darkness to await my brother's summons. The guilt grew strong as I listened to the pain that he faced in the west.
When at last the deed was done, we moved, marked and buried the body. We listened to the voices within the winds condemning us forever. There was no place to hide and when we were caught, I called out in pain as I realized what I had done.
And then, it was over as soon as it had begun.
Hump Day Jokes...
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
~*~*~
~*~*~
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
~*~*~
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
~wicked crappy love~
Sailing the Murk-y Seas
One lazy day last summer, I decided to rent a small rowboat and paddle out just a bit beyond the harbor. I had no real destination in mind, just a desire to get away from the constant distractions of city life. I took a cooler of cold Harp Lager with me. After downing four or five, I lay down in the boat and dozed, warmed by the New England sun and rocked gently by the waves and the ocean breezes, not a care in the world.
Suddenly, an earsplitting horn shattered my reverie. I sat bolt upright in the rowboat, looking around in fright. That’s when I saw that my small dinghy was on a collision course with an enormous ship that parted the waves like a scythe through ripe wheat.
The huge craft bore down upon me like a juggernaut. I paddled my small rowboat starboard as fast as I could, but in my panic I did little more than splash about frantically, soaking myself. The rowboat heaved in the forewake of the larger vessel, tossing me about like a die in a gambler’s cup. Just when I thought I was certain to capsize, my boat was shunted aside to bob and roll alongside the larger vessel’s port hull. I wiped seawater from my eyes, sputtering in rage. That’s when I got my first real look at the vessel. She was a pleasure yacht, 200 feet from stem to stern if she was an inch, and her name was printed in gold block letters on her side: the S.S. Murk-eriffic.
“Oh, God, please—no,” I said aloud. But I had precious few seconds to ruminate. Without warning something struck the side of my tiny boat with a terrific blow, splintering the wood. I gazed in horror and disbelief at the sharp, barbed point of a harpoon, driven forcefully through the side of my boat, barely missing my legs. Presently I heard the sound of a high powered winch doing its work. My boat skipped on the wave-tops like a flat stone as it was dragged towards the yacht’s hull.
Two lumbering brutes appeared at the rail, glaring down at me. They were huge, hairy monstrosities, each well over six feet tall and packed with muscle. So hirsute were they that for a moment I thought I may be staring at two of the elusive Sasquatch rumored to prowl the land in colder climes. One dropped a rope ladder, grunted in an odd falsetto and gestured for me to climb up. I shook my head. His twin reached over the rail towards me with a long, wicked-looking boathook.
The message was clear: one way or another I was to board the vessel. I grabbed the rope ladder as I knew I would not appreciate the “assistance” a rusty, pointed boathook would provide. I clambered up the side as best I could, as there is no dignified way to climb a ladder in a kilt, particularly when it’s a rope ladder attached to a rocking boat and you’re five beers the worse for wear.
As I neared the top rail, one of the brutes reached over and casually plucked me from my perch as if he was removing an egg from a bird’s nest, pulling me up and over the rail until I stood upon the deck. The other—the one with the hook—pointed wordlessly towards the fore. Up close, they were even larger than I imagined.
Trying my best to preserve my dignity, I smoothed my dripping kilt and made my way towards the front of the boat, my two hairy companions following close behind. I passed a small helipad, a black, two-person chopper perched upon it like a wasp ready to take flight. I moved past tinted windows that afforded the barest glimpse of luxurious interior cabins. I passed through a volleyball court, shuffleboard deck and an outdoor theatre. Just when I thought the boat couldn’t get any bigger, I found myself at an Olympic-sized swimming pool, built into the foredeck. It is there that I found the Captain and First-Mate of the yacht: Dr. Robert J. Murk, and his Asian wife, Mrs. Dr. Murk.
I stopped short, determined to rail against Murk for this outrage. He sat beneath a sun umbrella in a pair of swim trunks and his brown derby hat, the doctor’s most constant companion other than his wife. I had just inhaled deeply, ready to give vent to my anger, when one of the brutes behind me gave me a rude shove, rendering me breathless. I was knocked sprawling to the deck.
“Ah, Piper,” said Murk. “Funny we should meet by chance out here, of all places. Welcome aboard.”
I stood up slowly. “I doubt it was by accident, Murk. What are you doing here?”
“Why,” said Murk, “the lovely wife and I were just enjoying a pleasure cruise. She wanted to hunt for Mako sharks, as our supply in the palatial estate’s moat is getting low. Hence the harpoon gun you experienced earlier.”
“You could have just asked me aboard, you know!” I yelled.
Murk looked at me blankly. “I had to test the harpoon gun, Piper. Christ, you can be obtuse.”
“What about them?” I asked, jerking my thumb towards the hair twins behind me.
“Oh, you mean Barry and Barry?” asked Murk.
“They have the same name?” I asked, not really surprised.
“As well as the same DNA, you ignorant poltroon. You see, quite by accident I discovered Barry Gibb, formerly of the Bee Gees, working at an Arby’s in Wisconsin. As you know, I’m quite mad for the Bee Gees, so it was a small matter to spirit him away, clone him and pump the two of them full of steroids. Presto! Instant henchmen.”
“You can’t just kidnap people!” I cried.
“We’re talking about Barry Gibb, Piper. I’d say he enjoys a much higher quality of life now, wouldn’t you agree? Too bad about the hair; I would have preferred to clone one of the Bee Gees who didn’t shed quite so much, but both Maurice and Andy are dead, so I was forced to work with what I had.”
“What about Robin Gibb? He’s still alive,” I said.
Mrs. Dr. Murk started violently. A full minute of absolute silence followed. Murk glared at me. “Never,” he said, slowly, “never speak that name in my presence again.”
“Um…ok,” I said. This wasn’t going my way. “Look, Murk…just what the hell do you want this time? Can’t you just leave me alone and allow me to enjoy myself for once?”
“No,” said Murk. Mrs. Dr. Murk giggled.
Up until that moment, she had been but a shadow in the corner of my peripheral vision. Now, I took my first real look at her. Dr. Murk’s Asian wife wore the tiniest of tiny bikinis. She laid on her stomach, sunning herself in a flattened lounge chair, her long legs kicking idly at the air behind her as she propped her body up on her elbows. She stared at me in amusement, one strap slipping down to her elbow, one globular breast threatening to pop out of her top like a ripe grapefruit dipping from its branch, her eyes the color of midnight, her long hair blowing in the slight breeze like dandelion threads in a gentle wind, her brown dusky skin the color of the most perfectly prepared Peking duck…
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Piper,” said Murk. “Stop embarrassing yourself. You realize you have no chance whatsoever, right? My wife loathes you, you’re getting fatter by the day, you wear a skirt, and you have a really small penis. And, let’s not forget you play the bagpipes, for Christ’s sake. Whereas I own a palatial estate, this insanely expensive yacht, and this swell derby hat. Plus, I have an enormous white chocolate bar in my shorts, and I don’t mean that literally. The white chocolate bar I refer to is my huge crank, and that’s the sweet nickname my smokin’ hot Asian wife gave it long ago, on our wedding night.”
“What are you talking about?” I protested. “I wasn’t doing anything!”
Dr. Murk ignored me, instead reaching behind him and retrieving an acoustic guitar. “In fact, your pathetic eye-humping of my wife has only inspired me to renew my devotion to her by singing the song that linked our destinies together like twin stars. I sang this to my beloved at our wedding.”
Murk cleared his throat and gave the guitar a few practice strums. Then, he began to sing in an expertly-trained tenor:
“I got a letter just the other day
She sent a picture, but she didn't sign her name
She wore high heels and a little black lace
I knew her body, but I couldn't see her face
She didn't leave a number, not an address or a clue
But something in that photograph reminded me of you
Baby, let's put the X in sex
Love's like a muscle and you make me wanna flex
Baby, let's put the X in sex
Keep it undercover, baby let me be your private eye…
The guitar fell silent. “And that song is what binds us together, Piper, with a love you will never understand,” said Murk, tears welling up in his piercing blue eyes.
“I was at your wedding, Murk, and that’s not the song you sang,” I said.
“A minor detail. Suffice it to say we’re crazy for each other. I’m Sonny and she’s a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. She’s a pepperoni pizza and I’m a Ninja Turtle. Got it?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Now I’m done talking to you. I trust you can find your own way off the Murk-errific?” Murk said, dismissing me with a wave of his hand.
I looked around, finally spying my small rowboat on the horizon. We had drifted a long way. “But my boat is way over there! And it’s probably taking on water because of your goddamn harpoon gun!” I exclaimed.
“Well, you better start swimming then.” The Barrys grabbed me by my arms, pulling me towards the side of the boat, grunting in their monosyllabic falsettos. They picked me up, preparing to heave me overboard.
“Wait, boys,” said Murk. ”I’ve changed my mind.” My heart leapt. Could it be Dr. Murk was going to give me a ride back to land?
“The wife and I aren’t much in the mood for shark fishing anymore, so I guess we won’t need that bucket of bloody chum after all. Dump it over the side along with the Piper.”
It’s amazing how fast you can swim in a kilt when you need to.
Why Chuck Norris?
Monday, February 05, 2007
No seriously, why him?
What's so awe inspiring about Chukkie boy? And even David Haselgoof? Why are they 'worshipped'?
I tried figuring it out myself but no avail. I can't take it anymore! I NEED to know.
WHY THEM?
The Judgement of Dr. Mantodea
I found out later that Pooh's bullet, under contract from Murk, had exploded my green cranium like a melon. At the time I just felt a little sting, then I was weightless and floating towards a beautiful light. A Sense of peace overcame me, no doubt because all my stresss hormones were still back on Earth seeping from my ruptured skull.
As I ascended, the world around me turned to white clouds and light. I heard beautiful singing and children's laughter. As I came to stand on a ground that was made of pure cosmic energy, I saw a mighty gate open and a before me, sitting on a throne of pure light, was a gigantic figure, clad in silver and gold robes and his face obscured by a sun-like radiance that prevented me from looking directly at it.
[YAHWEH] COME FORWARD, MY CHILD, YOU HAVE COME BEFORE ME FOR JUDGMENT OF YOUR LIFE AND NOW KNOW THE TRUTH.
[Mantodea] "Holy shit!"
[YAHWEH] "DO NOT BLASPHEME"
[Mantodea] "What?"
[YAHWEH] "..."
[Mantodea] "You... You have got to be fucking kidding me! You mean they were right when they said you would care about shit like that?!"
[YAHWEH] "AS WRITTEN IN LEVITICUS TWEN..."
[Mantodea] "Whoa, Whoa, hold the frak on there, Toothfairy-Supreme, I didn't ask you to quote scripture. I can get that same shit without having to die first. You're sitting right in front of me! I want YOU to tell ME what YOU think, in 2007 American English."
[Mantodea] "Are you the biblical God that the Christians and Jews and Muslims follow?"
[YAHWEH] "I AM"
[Mantodea] "And do you condemn those who refuse to follow the word of the bible because there is not proof?"
[YAHWEH] "I SHALL NOT BE TESTED BY MAN! FAITH IN ME REQUIRES NO PROOF."
[Mantodea] "What the hell was with the plagues of Egypt then? Kinda proving shit there, weren't ya?"
[YAHWEH] "THE PHARAOH FOLLOWED HIS FALSE GODS, AND DID NOT HEED THE WARNING OF MY PROPHET."
[Mantodea] "Maybe the fact that you "hardened his heart" so he wouldn't listen might have had something to do with that. Oh, and I like the way you punished all those innocent kids who had no choice in the matter, but because they are the wrong ethnic group it was okay to kill them with the creeping death..."
[YAHWEH] "..."
[Mantodea] "Anyway... it's not important. I'm just asking-- is an atheist or an animist, or a Native American in the wrong because they don't believe some fat missionary who claims to speak for you?"
[YAHWEH] "ALL WHO ACCEPT MY PRESENCE SHALL KNOW ETERNAL LIFE AND THOSE WHO DENY IT SHALL FACE JUDGMENT FOR THEIR FOLLY. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, MY CHILD, TO QUESTION MY PLAN."
[Mantodea] "Bullshit! You gave me a brain with "Free Will" and I'm using that to question you, Maryfucker."
[Mantodea] "Like; why is it important what two lowly humans do in their bedroom if they aren't hurting anyone?"
[Mantodea] "And why is it important for people to accept you, and worship you, if they are capable of living good lives and not kill anyone without doing so?"
[Mantodea] "Why are you so uptight about people inquiring about the universe you made for us? Why is it wrong for us to use the brains you gave us for something other than memorizing your scriptures?"
[Mantodea] "And why is it OUR fault for not believing in You, if the only reasons we are given are from other, very flawed, mortals telling us you exist?!"
[YAHWEH] "MY PRESENCE IS OBVIOUS TO THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE OPEN TO ME"
[Mantodea] "But how are we supposed to open our hearts to you if we don't have a reason to think you're real? Are we supposed to just guess which faith to follow?"
[YAHWEH] "I AM THE HOLY FATHER. MY LOVE IS ETERNAL."
[Mantodea] "Yeah, my love can be eternal too, if I take enough Viagra."
[Mantodea] "Are the Christians right about your attitudes on things like premarital sex, birth control, sex education, teaching science and the role of women?"
[YAHWEH] "PRETTY MUCH"
[Mantodea] "Gays?"
[YAHWEH] "ICKY, THOUGH LESBIANS ARE KINDA HOT, UNLESS THEY'RE UGLY DYKES...THEN THEY'RE ICKY TOO"
[Mantodea] "Darfur?"
[YAHWEH] "UNFORTUNATE, BUT I HAVE TOO MANY OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT... LIKE GAYS."
[Mantodea] "G.W.Bush?"
[YAHWEH] "WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A BEER WITH HIM."
[Mantodea] "Okay then. I'm done."
[YAHWEH] "WE HAVE NOT YET STARTED YOUR JUDGMENT, DONALD MANTODEA."
[Mantodea] "Uh, don't bother. I've made MY judgment. You can save your infinite time. I renounce you."
[YAHWEH] "WHAT?"
[Mantodea] "Fuck you."
[Mantodea] "You're even more fucking pitiful that the humans who worship you. I can almost excuse them, because they have fallible human brains made up of a chemical stew that is way to easy to screw up. But you, Mr. Almighty, are just as petty and obsessive about stupid little crap as an 80 year old nun."
[Mantodea] "You created the whole freakin' universe and yet you give a shit about whether or not I jerk off to pictures of the Angry Piper in my bedroom."
[YAHWEH] "HMMM, THAT ONE ISN'T ON MY LIST. MUST HAVE SLIPPED BY, I'LL ADD THAT."
[Mantodea] "I was speaking hypothetically, you omni-idiotic-tool!"
[YAHWEH] "OH... I KNEW THAT."
[Mantodea] "You are the most powerful being in the universe, or so you claim, and yet you still have this petty need for acknowledgement by your creations. Like a six-year-old getting pissed cuz his ant farm is ignoring him. Furthermore, instead of encouraging us to develop morality based on adult concepts of ethics you insist on mandates that must be blindly followed. How is it a moral life to do the right thing because you want eternal reward or fear eternal punishment? A three-year-old will 'do the right thing' to avoid a spanking!"
[Mantodea] "I would rather spend an eternity in hell, than one more minute with you. Tell me how would being in your obnoxious presence and that of you're holier than thou..."
[YAHWEH] "THEY ARE NOT HOLIER THAT ME"
[Mantodea] "fine... holier than..er.. 'Thy'... God, I hate it when you interrupt! How would Hell be any worse? Like it's going to be a fucking eternal party hanging out with an assholes like You and Jerry Falwell?"
[YAHWEH] VERY WELL. YOU SHALL SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT IN THE DARKNESS BY BEING KEPT FROM MY PRESENCE.
[Mantodea] "Fine!"
[YAHWEH] "FINE."
[Mantodea] "Fine!!"
[YAHWEH] "FINE!!"
--
As I plummeted earthward, I saw a vast black chasm open before me, but then I was violently jerked to the left (that always seems to happen) and found myself shooting towards Boston at unimaginable speeds.
[YAHWEH] "AH, SHIT"
I woke up coughing amniotic fluid as my newest clone revived in the vat. I noticed the conveyer that shunts the new clones into the prep area was out of sync with the transponder I keep on my body to activate it when I die. I'll need to fix that.
Then my thoughts turned to the experience I had; the bright lights, the sense of peace, and the conversation with the Almighty.
"What a fuckin' putz" I thought to myself.
"I then went up to my room to spend some alone time with the Angry Piper's photo."
--
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