EVEL KNIEVEL DEAD AT 69 YEARD OLD
Legenday stuntman practically invented "being on balls!"
Evel Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil whose stunts -- including an attempted leap over Idaho's Snake River Canyon and his insane taste for hideous 70's fashion -- made him a popular cultural figure, is dead, according to his Web site, evelknievel.com. He was 69 and loving it.
Over his career, Knievel was said to have broken practically every bone in his body -- some multiple times.
With his red-white-and-blue jumpsuits, abnormally large shirt collars, shock of hair and stone-faced mein, he was a fixture on ABC's program "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s, his stunts perennial ratings-grabbers.
Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle." (He had hoped to jump the Grand Canyon, but couldn't get permission.) The attempt failed, but the publicity was priceless.
His fame even spawned a movie, "Viva Knievel!" in 1977.
Robert Craig Knievel was born October 17, 1938, in Butte, Montana.
Earlier this week, Knievel amicably settled a lawsuit with rap star Kanye West over West's use of a persona called "Evel Kanyevel" in his video for "Touch the Sky."
"I was very satisfied and so was he," Knievel told The Associated Press while eating broken glass and drinking gasoline... LEADED GASOLINE. "Now, I am planning something really big. I'm going to take the biggest jump of all: the jump to the other side, baby. You know what I mean? HELL YEAH YOU DO."
To pay their respects, friends and family are expected to jump over Kenievel's flaming casket at his funeral on Sunday.
BREAKING WoW NEWS!
Peace in the Middle East
You been very patient
And today you can rejoice. JesusMan! 5.3 is now loaded! And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, I have created a new t-shirt for this episode, the very first JesusMan! t-shirt.
Do you not love it? On the back the shirt says: "Nothin' says Peace in the Middle East like a 100 foot naked hottie on roller skates" and then is labeled "JesusMan! 5:3" underneath. So enjoy buckos!
Loyalism
I was doing jello shots with Rudy and arguing about which Arab country he should nuke first if he gets to be President when my cellphone rang. It was Dick, and he wanted me in the Oval Office, right away.
“We need you to sign this paper,” Dick explained, pushing a form across the desk at me. I touched the paper, which immediately burst into flames and incinerated itself. I smiled at Dick.
“Oops. Sorry. What was it, anyway?”
“It’s a Loyalism Oath,” George broke in proudly. “We’re gonna make everyone sign ‘em, make ‘em promise to only vote for Republicans, like they’re doin’ down in Virginia.”
“Why not just outlaw all the other political parties like your pal, Putey-Pute?” I asked, laughing. “That would be more efficient.”
George turned and stared at a signed photo of Vladimir Putin he kept on his desk and frowned. “He don’t call me no more,” he said sadly. “You think he’s mad at me or sumthin’?”
“Never mind that,” Dick broke in roughly, “I’ll get another copy. You have to sign it, everyone will have to sign it if they want to vote in the next election”.
“You could just arrest all your political opponents, like your pal, Pervez,” I suggested.
“Or we could just Deportize ‘em all, you know, like illegal alienists,” George added.
Dick shook his head. “Not for another few years. I think this is an easier way to get Congress back and keep the White House. We are going to call it the Patriot Pact”.
I had to hand it to Dick, the man’s clever with names. But I wasn’t signing.
“I don’t sign anything, Dick,” I reminded him. “Other people sign my pacts. You know that. You signed one yourself”.
Dick shrugged. “Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you”.
“That’s right,” George broke in. “My pal Putey’s got a new system for elections where you have to vote for his party to keep your job”. He looked wistfully at the photo on his desk. “I wish he’d call me,” he whispered mournfully.
I slipped out. I hate it when George gets whiney. And I had to be over at Hillary’s place in an hour. She was going to be re-aligning her policy positions, and she’d asked my to bring the dart board and six pack.
I'll jump on the YouTube bandwagon.
If Third Option Media was hired to create a political campaign ad, it might look something like this...
WoW Presents: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong landed their Lunar Module on the moon's Sea of Tranquility and became the first two humans to walk on the moon.
This unprecedented heroic endeavor was witnessed by the largest worldwide television audience in history. Buzz was presented the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honor amongst over 50 other distinguished awards and medals from the United States and numerous other countries.
Since retiring from NASA, the Air Force, and his position as Commander of the Test Pilot School at Edwards Air Force Base, Dr. Aldrin has remained at the forefront of efforts to ensure a continued leading role for America in manned space exploration. He has also been active in the Freemasons, of which he is a member, past master and officer.
To advance his lifelong commitment to venturing outward in space, he founded his rocket design company, Starcraft Boosters, Inc., and the ShareSpace Foundation, a nonprofit organization devoted to opening the doors to space tourism for all people.
Buzz and his wife, Lois, live in Los Angeles. Buzz and his best friend Mario, however, live part time in a low-gravity, sub-orbital flying fun shack.
Hump Day Jokes
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
~wicked hump day lovin~
I Love the 80's
Hey Malach, how many of these CDs do you own?
BEST VIDEO EVER!!!!
The only song worth listening to from The Lost Boys Soundtrack. Michael Hutchins, Malach and I sorely miss you.
Think this guy idolized Jim Morrison much?
Danny Elfman is a fucking genius.
I had a lot of sex to this CD back in 1990. I would have had a lot of sex to it when it came out, but I didn't actually have sex until 1990. One of the best, most underrated voices in contemporary music.
OK, so they don't want the video embedded. You can look at it here instead.
This song will forever remind me of Alice Fangueiro. Not that anyone aside from Malach will know who that is.
Three guesses why I love this song. Hint: it rhymes with "Magpipes".
I still love all of these songs. Anyone in high school in the 1980's was singing along. Admit it.
If it's on teh internetz, it must be true!
Time has been one of the most complicated and less studied scientific issues since ancient times.
Eight years ago, American and British scientists who conducted investigations in Antarctica made a sensational discovery. US physicist Mariann McLein told of how researchers noticed some spinning gray fog in the sky over the pole on January 27 which they believed to be just an ordinary sandstorm.
However, the gray fog did not change in form and did not move in the course of time.
The researchers decided to investigate the phenomenon and launched a weather balloon with equipment capable of registering the wind speed, the temperature and the air moisture.
But the weather balloon soared upwards and immediately disappeared.
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE OF THIS TRUE STORY!
Cap'n Flak's Football Game Review
Well, for those of you that have the sincere pleasure of knowing me, you know that I am not what some would call a sports enthusiast. I won't even go into my "60-yard line" story. I can count the number of sports matches I have watched in their entirety on my... well, actually I can't because I really never have watched an entire game of any sport.
Anyway, thanks to some time well spent with Dr. Robert J. Murk (awesome), I recently started watching football, specifically the amazing, seemingly unbeatable New England Patriots. I mean, Jesus H. Christ (aka: Bill Belichick), can these guys pass that leather oblong ellipsoid around a white lined rectangle or what!?!?
Knowing more about the Jaglavak ant colonies propensity to attack termites in Cameroon than I know about the rules and regulations of football leaves me with a somewhat unique perspective on this modern day gladiator-like spectacle.
I fully admit to being dazzled, if not overwhelmed, by the mind numbing array of flashing graphics, the fact that the company I work for is an NFL sponsor and the extreme hotness of Quarter-Back Tom Brady (and if you don't think he is amazing, be you man or woman, you are either blind, retarded or dead.)
Furthermore, I admit that I don't know what the announcers are saying and I sure as hell can't decipher any of the statistical information (Brady: CMP-284, ATT-392 YRDS-3439, CMP%-72.4 OMG WTF?)
But, I do know this: the battle-like scenarios played out on those big green fields are fun to watch and, if so inclined, you can get sucked in faster than light particles entering a black hole.
I can't help but be impressed by players like Laurence Maloney?, Maroney?, Marooney?, whatever, who I watched literally shove his way through a pack of angry men, some of which are even bigger than me, to score a touchdown and put New England back into the lead, 31-28.
At one point, I switched over to FOX and watched Family Guy. I gotta tell you that is one seriously funny show. Did you see the part where Peter shows up at Meg's school and smashes the popular girl's face into a fire extinguish... wait, sorry. Back to the game.
I have to hand it to the team wearing the green uniforms. (Jets? No, EAGLES! Yeah, that's it.) They played their best and when I finally decided to go to bed (even though there was a mere 5 or 6 minutes left on the play clock thingy), I actually thought the Eagles might win!
OK, well, honestly, I figured they'd blow it. I was just being nice. You know, I even felt bad for the Eagles Stephen Gostko-something when he missed a 32-yard toss. Ouch. SUX2BU guy!
It felt weird when I woke up this morning to the sound of my 1-year old bouncing up and down on his bed while asking for his "milkies" and yet the first thought I had was "did the Pats win?" That's never happened to me before. So, I sat up, switched on NECN and I found out that, sure enough, the Pats added another victory to their record by beating the Philadelphia (?) Eagles last night at Foxboro Stadium in front of 68,000+ alcohol warmed screaming fans.
WAY TO GO, PATS!!!!
One more thing: people keep comparing the Pats to the 1972 Miami Dolphins with head coach Don Shula. When I hear that name, I can only think one thing...
...isn't that the guy in those NutriSystem commercials?
The Color of Magic, a Book Review
The Color of Magic
Ok, maybe I am a little slow on the uptake here, but thanks to some prodding from Angryman, Malach has just finished the first book in Terry Pratchett's Discworld Series, The Color of Magic
The first in series, The Color of Magic is about an inept and cynical wizard named Rincewind. So inept, he never completed wizard training, and can only cast one spell. One of the original spells of power, that he really can't remember how to cast. He comes into employment for as a guide for a out of country visitor named Twoflower and his sentient piece of luggage (Luggage). Rincewind leads him about the huge city of Ankh-Morpork, through a series of unfortunate events, leading to the city burning to the ground, and they then set off on the begininig of a grand adventure across the continent, and further.
Not only is the book funny, it is also throughly entertaining, and I couldn't put it down. It get 4 ass smacks from Malach the Merciless.
Eric Mangini
These are starting to sell well, so here they are, for the WoWees, the game is coming up soon.
And as requested Sweatshirts will be up today.
And finally some exclusive video of the Angry Piper's ex
I am Malach and I want to rock with you
Point of View-
Our staff was far too full of turkey, stuffing, Jack Daniels and beer to regain consciousness this morning, so we bring you a Classic SoD, first posted in March of 2006. Happy Thanksgiving Weekend everyone, we'll drag The Demonic One back to the office next Monday to get back to work!
- - -
excerpts from the diary of President George Bush -PRIVATE!!!
March 1st- Flew into Pakistan with Laura. Saw Pervez, had a nice dinner. Didn't know what the Hell anything was, but it tasted good. Except the meat dish. I think I may have eaten a goat. I’ll have to talk to Pervez about that.
March 2nd- Went walking this morning before Laura got up. Got lost. Went down a side street and got grabbed by two men with guns. They asked if I was a Pakistani, and I said no, and they shoved me in the back of a truck. Could hear them talking up front about the United States government offering a bounty on foreigners caught in Pakistan and turning me in for cash. What a damned screw-up. Of course we offer a bounty. Caught quite a few bad-doers with it too, folks who are violent, and amoral, and who like to wage war and kill people for no good reason. But not Americans, for Chrissake! I'll straighten this out when I get to our own people. Boy are these two gonna be sorry. I'll throw their asses in Gitmo.
March 3rd- The assholes who grabbed me sold me to the US Army for 50 bucks. The stupid Army major wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. Kept asking me if I was employed in Pakistan. Idiot. I finally yelled at him that I'm not fucking employed, I'm the godamned President!
Now I'm on a godamned plane to Gitmo.
March 5th- Unbelievable. I'm in a damned cell with a Saudi carpenter and two Indian software engineers. This is a seriously screwed-up system. Nobody will listen to a word I say. I want a telephone! I want my lawyer! They just laugh at me. I have to talk with Cheney about this when I get back. I’m gonna talk with Don too. They can’t do this to me. I’m a do-gooder, not a bad-doer. Fucking assholes.
March 8th- Today I met my "lawyer", a junior-grade Lieutenant named Jack from the motor pool. Apparently Cheney set it up so we don't get lawyers, we get "representatives" who don't know a damned thing about law. Jack was sympathetic but said there was not much he could do. According to Jack they don't have to let me get in touch with anyone or charge me with anything or ever let me go. That doesn’t sound very American to me, and I told him so. He laughed like I’d said something funny.
When I get back some heads are gonna roll, boy.
March 9th- They got me up at 3 a.m. by playing Barry Manilow music full blast outside the cell. Played it for 12 hours straight. That has to be against some Convention or other. I wish I hadn't said we were going to ignore those, but nobody told me about Barry Manilow. That's just not right. It’s wrong.
March 11th- Jack says they've classified me as an 'enemy combatant'! I asked him why. Well, I didn't ask. I yelled. A lot. The guards came in and tied me up. Assholes. I’m making a list, boy.
Anyway, Jack said he didn't know, they won't show him my file. He says they classified it 'secret', so they don't have to show it to him. I told him that I have rights, you know, like it says in the Constitution. That asshole laughed and quoted me stuff I said about it being a 'godamned piece of paper'.
I took a swing at him and they put me in solitary.
I hate Jack.
March 12th- They've been playing Roger Miller's 'King of the Road' outside my cell since midnight. 'No phone, no pool, no pets'. They think it's pretty funny. Assholes.
March 13th- I finally bribed a guard to smuggle me a cell phone. Called Dick Cheney. He said he'd "see what he could do". I said he'd better fucking "see", and damn fast! Cheney started dodging, he said that I signed some law or other giving myself no rights in here, and then he mumbled something about "rules" and "working with the system". I hung up on him.
I hate Dick Cheney.
March 15th- I'm free! Mom called Dick and gave him a piece of her mind, so Dick signed some papers and I'm going home. This experience has really opened my eyes. I understand now that it really is against all the values we stand for to round up people without any real evidence against them, jail them without charge, hold them indefinitely without trial or a lawyer, and leave them here to rot. When I get back to Washington tomorrow I'm going to make some changes, you bet!
March 16th- Back home! Watched tv with Laura for a while, and now I have to pack for the weekend. We're having a big barbecue at the ranch. I wonder if Ann Coulter is going to be there tomorrow? Laura doesn't like Ann, but I think she's a pistol. Andy Card came in and asked what I wanted to "do" about Gitmo. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Why should I care about a bunch of godamned terrorists? Let 'em rot, I told him.
I like Andy, but he can be pretty dense sometimes.
The Latest Recurring Character on The WoW!
You've seen him lurking in the back of elevators.
He may have been interviewing for your job.
We even saw him hanging around the aquarium.
Well, this is Clem and, right now, he sells latex.
You like him? No. You LOVE him.
Stay tuned for more Clem.
Only on The WoW!*
*brought to you by Third Option Media Productions!
Hump Day Jokes
You Might Have a Redneck Thanksgivings if:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
~*~*~*~*~
Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:
~*~*~*~*~
A lady was pawing through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
~*~*~*~*~
Have a happy happy turkey day everyone!
~turkey lovin for the wicked~
IT'S OFFICIAL: Cloverfield is coming.
Click here to see the brand new trailer for JJ Abrams monster epic Cloverfield!
I don't know about you, but I am excited to see this movie and I have been impressed and inspired by the mysterious viral marketing produced for this movie.
Will it be as good as all the hype? Knowing JJ's past work, I have to imagine it certainly will be.
A glimmer of hope and an attempted murder.
It never ceases to amaze me how much my kids can brighten my world. After I took my oldest boy to the New England Aquarium to watch Michael dive (see the video post below), he kept telling me what a great day he had and how glad he was that I was his best friend. I swear he reminds me that there is still pure innocence and good in the world.
And, then, on my ride into work today some asshole tried to hit me and run me off the road. I mean, WTF? If you were driving down the road, would you want to hit this?
Wait. Don't answer that.
The Daily Narcissist Goes to the Movies: No Country for Old Men
Okay, no suspense here. Four swipes of the cat tail for No Country for Old Men. I feel giddy - giddily happy after seeing this movie.
How can one feel this way after having seen a whole lot of graphic murders? One can because one has been completely, thoroughly and superbly entertained. Based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, and written for the screen and directed by the inimitable Coen brothers, No Country for Old Men is a perfect movie. I love going to Coen brothers' movies because I am 100% certain I'm going to see something very different from the usual pablum of American film making. I was not disappointed.
Plot summary: Llewelyn Moss, played spot on by Josh Brolin (who knew?), is out hunting in the west Texas desert one hot, glaringly sunny day when he stumbles on a drug deal gone very, very wrong, as evidenced by many shot up pick-up trucks and dead bodies, including one dog. He finds something that I think most of us wouldn't blame him for taking, and carries it back to his pretty young wife waiting impatiently at home in the trailer park.
A twinge of conscience sends him back to the crime scene in the middle of the night. This arbitrary act of kindness sets in motion a tension-filled, violent chase by first Anton Chigurh (played by the superb Spanish actor Javier Bardem, whom I last saw in The Sea Inside), then Sheriff Bell (Tommy Lee Jones, masterful and, as always, at the top of his game), and finally "fixer" Carson Wells (Woody Harrellson).
In between all the mayhem and murder perpetrated by the deliciously psychotic Chigurh, you'll find humor slipped in that had all of us in the audience chuckling out loud many times. You have to listen carefully. I've read some reviews that try to equate the dessicated and violence-filled scenery with a metaphor for the current lawless and fucked-up state of the US. I don't know if that's McCarthy's intent, and I don't know if I see it that way, but it doesn't matter because the story in and of itself is so well put together, fantastically well-acted and perfectly filmed.
If you're familiar with the nature of Cormac McCarthy's writing and the Coen brothers' affection for "noirish" film making, you won't be too surprised with how it ends. But really, the ending is almost besides the point. Watching Bardem's fastidious Chigurh mess with a sincere but hapless Texas gas station owner, and Jones' humorous, world-weary intelligence effortlessly and accurately (almost) assembling the pieces of this bit of "dismal tide" is just way too much fun to miss.
And if anyone can find me the soundtrack, especially the track, "Blood Trail", that plays during the ending credits, I'll be forever grateful.
Meanwhile inside the Giant Ocean Tank...
A good friend of mine volunteers as a diver at the New England Aquarium in Boston. I took my boy to see him yesterday, and he gave us an amazing behind the scenes tour of the facility and then proceeded to put on a terrific show for us once he dove into the tank.
I made this little video as my way of thanking him for the unique experience to see a side of something I have loved since I was a child... The Giant Ocean Tank!
A Week from Hell-
MONDAY: Started the week off by peeking in at the rehearsal for the upcoming Democratic Candidates Debate. It started off smoothly enough- Barack Obama walked to his podium and announced “My name is Barack Obama, and I’m not Hillary!”
Then John Edwards walked to his podium, flashed a blinding smile, and said “My name is John Edwards, and I’m not Hillary!”
Then Hillary Clinton strode quickly onto the stage, put her hands on her hips, and yelled “I am Hillary, and these two are ganging up on me!” and stormed off the stage.
Off to stage left there was a sudden scuffling and a short little guy popped out from behind the curtains, shrieking “Impeach George Bush! Impeach Dick Cheney!” He ran over to a podium marked “Dennis”, but it was taller than he was and that’s the last I saw of him.
John Edwards turned back to glare at Barack Obama. “I wasn’t Hillary before you weren’t Hillary!” he declared hotly.
“That’s a lie!” Barack retorted. “I haven’t been Hillary much longer than you haven’t been Hillary!”
Then Hillary walked back in and hit Barack over the head with a folding metal chair.
I left- obviously nobody there needed my help.
TUESDAY: Satan called and asked me if I’d seen the Washington Post this morning. He sounded annoyed when I said I hadn’t, so I went down to the corner store and bought a paper. There it was, a big headline, right on the front page. I almost gagged on my coffee-
Congressman Says Satan’s Work to be Outsourced to China.
Well excuuuuuse-fucking-me! He can’t do that. We have contracts. And a good damned union (so to speak). Shit. I suppose that means I’ll have to try to get hold of this Paul guy again. Fucker won’t take my calls- he and Kucinich are the only two candidates we haven’t been able to negotiate contracts with. Paul told me last time I called him to “go to Hell” (gee, that’s original) and Satan won’t let me call Kucinich- he says he doesn’t want our image tarnished by dealing with “that nutburger”.
I glanced at the newspaper headline again and could feel steam coming out my ears. You can’t outsource Hell like we’re some fucking Wal*Mart commodity that you can order from the lowest bidder! That’s insulting. That’s not to say that the Chinese wouldn’t be good at it- but it’s the government’s job to do Satan’s work on earth, and I think we’re doing mighty fine work.
WEDNESDAY: Still can’t get Ron Paul to take my calls, so I decided to get out of town for a few days, and went to see the Pope. Most people think the Pope and I don’t talk, what with being on opposite sides of the Good/Evil thing and all, but there are always issues to discuss. I won’t pretend that the old Pope and I were exactly friends, but we got along. He served me tea and I tried not to leave scorch marks on his sofa.
I’d not met the new Pope yet, and I wanted to make a good impression, so I polished my hooves and shined my horns, and when I walked in I smiled and called out “Hey, Pope, great to finally meet you!”
The old bastard jumped to his feet, yelled, “Begone, foul fiend of Hell!” and set a pair of rottweilers named Herman and Adolf loose on me.
So there I am, hanging 10 feet off the ground, clinging to the Papal curtains with these two rabid, slathering dogs leaping at my hooves and then the Pope starts throwing teacups at my head. He may not look it, but the old man’s still got a good arm.
Note to self: I’m not being paid nearly enough to put up with this kind of bullshit.
THURSDAY: What a week. Dick called and asked if wanted to go quail hunting with him, but I passed. I think I’m going to leave town early and spend the weekend hanging out with Pervez in Pakistan. Now there’s a man who knows how to follow good advice.
Hump Day Jokes
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
~*~*~*~
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
The Real Auto C
Auto C.
Once again the Buckos have come through and revealed one of our members for who they truly are.
I received a package the other day, from a forward spy in India. It contained a picture, a news article clipping, a letter, and a flask with a cream colored fluid. Here is the picture:
The article was in Farsi, so I could no read it, but the letter that followed was more my speed:
Your eminence Malach the Merciless,
I have stumbled upon some information,
that I know, you would want a brief of, so I risked my cover, and sent this to
you straight away. You see, it is about Auto C, your favorite Indian
WoWee.The attached article I translate for you:
P. Selvakumar, also known by his famous Internet persona, Auto C, places
a garland on his new canine bride in a marriage ceremony in Manamadurai on
Sunday. He married the stray mutt in a traditional Hindu ceremony, later
taking his new wife on a honeymoon to New Dehli. Selvakumar married the
Sari draped bitch named Selvi in a Hindu Temple in the southern state of Tamil
Nadu.Selvakumar told us that he was lonely, and always had a thing for
puppies, and was fulfilling a life long dream. "I was paralyzed with love
and passion upon seeing my bitch bride all dressed up, I can't wait for tonight"
he was quoted.Selvakumar's family threw a huge feast for the couple, with Selvakumar's
father stating "I am so proud, now they can open a convenience store in the
States, and I can die in peace".As you can see, this Auto C is a sick man. I also enclosed the passion
juice of their consummation that night, for Dr. Murk's studies.My Life is Yours,
Snake Eyes.
Wow, needless to say I was floored, Auto C, the boy I raised via the Internet, didn't even invite me to his wedding . .
And for the Angry Piper
I thought this little video might remind of that romantic night in high school we spent in my father's Mazda Pickup truck.
I am Malach and I like the cars that go boom
Consumer Radicalism
I’ll use the line again. ‘Never mind what they’re selling. It’s what you’re buying.’
There is a way to do it. Small ways in your day to day to not give your dollar to the man. And there are more and more ways opening up every day.
If you’re like ol’ Hobbsy here, you’re not a big fan of the Big Corporations that run our country. Not a fan of the War for Oil, and the insanely inflated gas prices. Not a fan of the chemical-laden food that is mass produced and sold to you. (Here’s some food for thought. We use manure in our gardens because it helps things grow. Animal feces is good for plants. Try using human feces, and it will kill everything. Ever wonder why that is? Perhaps its because animals like Cows eat natural things like grass and corn, and humans eat McDonalds and Mountain Dew and things that never would exist in nature). The Corporate Run American System is poisoning you and raping you of your hard earned dollars, and you and bending over, dropping trow, and sticking your wallet in your ass so they can easily do both. You are buying into what they’ve told you to.
Now ol’ Hobbsy here does everything in his power to keep his hard earned dollars in the hands of his peers, rather than forking it all over to big business. Granted, its relatively impossible to do this 100% of the time, but here are some of my methods that help me to sleep at night.
- Gas: I do not give my money to Exxon, Mobil, Shell, or any of the major companies. I simply refuse. The less people who give them money, the less they’ll have to charge for their stinking gasoline. Look at the escalated gas prices, especially since that date I refuse to mention. There is no reason for it, except that they can.
- Phone Companies: Here’s one of the most amazing scams they’ve come up with in some time. Cell phones are all the rage, and these huge companies can pretty well charge you whatever they want, and rope you in with cool gadgetry. T-Mobile, Sprint, AT&T. Huge corporations who have cornered the market. Or have they. Ever heard of Working Assets? Started in 1985 as a small company with ethics, Working Assets gives a portion of all income to various charities, such as Greenpeace and Doctors Without Borders. I’ve used them for 15 years. When I joined, you even got a pint of Ben and Jerry’s free each month for a year. They used to only do local phone, but now they do cell phones as well, and I’ve got a damn cool gadgety phone just like you! The company has raised over $50 million dollars for charitable organizations, and also promotes social activism. In each bill are a number of petitions that you can elect to add your name to, and various socially conscious books that you can buy if you’re interested. Just add it to the bill. Their website features Act for Change, the social activism portion where many political and social causes are featured so you can be informed and get involved. All this from a phone company. And my bill is no more than anyone else’s.
- Organic Food: Folks, there are a few easy points I can make here. One is, take a look at the ingredients of many of the things that you consume. Good god! What is all of that stuff? Its chemicals, kiddies. Things that man created in a lab. Things that really have no place in food. Soda like Coke can rot through the dashboard of your car when spilled, but you drink it down into your sensitive little tummy. Ever wonder why we can use animal manure to fertilize a garden, but human feces will kill all the plants? Because there is NOTHING NATURAL in there. Ever wonder why so many Americans are OBESE? There’s your answer fish bulb! And the almighty THEY only know what sort of mind control chemicals are used in Pop-Tarts, Coke, Lay’s potato chips, et al. Let me tell you, once you start eating more natural foods, you can no longer enjoy these chemical cocktails. You can taste the filth. Now, I know you are going to start whining at me about costs. YES, Organic and natural foods are currently more expensive. WHY? Because they are no longer the main staple, but a niche market. However, the more of us who purchase this sort of product, the cheaper it will get. The reason all that other food is so cheap is because THERE IS NO FOOD IN IT! It is cheaply manufactured chemicals. And don’t complain that you can’t get your favorite products either, because you’ll find a brand of cookies just like Oreo’s that aren’t just crap. Support you local farmers and small mom and pop companies that are making real food.
- WalMart: Department stores make me sick, and WalMart is the king of nausea. I can in no way give this company any of my money. I have been to a WalMart once, only once, in the desperate need for a cheap vacuum. And I regret that to this day. We all know the poor practices of this company, and if you don’t, look it up. My hatred for WalMart started with the censorship of music, as they only sell acceptable cd’s and alter cover art that they do not enjoy. People should never buy music from department stores. Yes, its cheaper, generally, but they only sell certain things, and if everyone shopped at department stores, they’d put real record stores out of business, and you’d lose the ability to find interesting and experimental artists (yes, this argument is out of date with the internet and iTunes, but I still feel it has validity). WalMart is pure evil, and no one should ever shop there.
Folks, there are many other ways that you can refuse to support the Big Corporations, and I welcome your ideas. Share them with me, and with others. Fight back against the Corporate Government, and support your local businesses. Use your dollar as a weapon. Use every weapon you have. This is how we will reach true freedom.
-HvW
Hey Kids!
Don't forget to check out The Murkoes!
We just gave out the lifetime acheivement award!!!!
Oh, and look for the new Monster Trailer today!
Playing Favorites?
I’ve been spending so much time on the road lately, working with all the Presidential campaigns, that I finally put in a purchase order for a deluxe RV. It arrived Monday, and has a widescreen tv, boiling sulphur hot tub, and a real coal fireplace. As an added bonus, it only gets two and a half miles a gallon. I love it!
I was parked in a Wal*Mart RV park in Iowa setting up my new mobile office when Mitt Romney barged through the door. He had a wild look in his eye.
“What the fudge are you doing?” he demanded angrily.
“The Dark Lord’s work on Earth, same as you,” I replied with a grin. “Why?”
“Don’t bring Cheney into it!” Mitt growled. “You know what I mean. You’ve been up to no good! I’ve spent months trying to solidify my Right-Wingnut Base by brown-nosing Pat Robertson, and now he’s gone and endorsed that freak Rudy Guiliani!”
Well, yes, of course I knew that was what he was talking about. I just like yanking Mitt’s chain. If you do it hard enough his ears turn the most amazing shade of crimson.
“Have a seat, Mitt,” I said sternly. You can only let these folks go so far, after all, before you remind them to whom they’re speaking. Mitt sat.
“Pat endorsed Rudy,” I said. “You have a problem with that?”
“It’s insane!” Mitt exclaimed. “Rudy’s an abortion-rights, gay-supporting traitor to the Conservative Cause.”
I glanced through my paperwork. “Not to put too fine a point on it, Mitt, but a few years ago when you were running for Governor of Massachusetts, so were you.”
Mitt looked defensive. “Yeah, well I changed my mind when I decided to run for President,”
“Maybe Pat likes folks who can keep their mind made up,” I suggested unhelpfully.
“It makes no sense,” Mitt retorted mournfully, shaking his head. “Pat Robertson declared that the September 11th attacks were God’s punishment against America for supporting abortion and gay rights, and he thinks that the ‘activist judges’ who rule in favor of them are a greater threat to America than Islamic terrorists. He said God will punish us with earthquakes for teaching Evolution, and when the Disney folks decided to market to gays he told them God was going to throw hurricanes and meteors at them!”
“I’m sure there’s a point here somewhere?”
Mitt glowered at me. “I have a contract!” he growled. “I was promised the Presidency! I’ll sue!”
“You’re going to sue Satan?” I laughed. “Good luck finding a lawyer whose not already on our side.”
I let him think about that for a moment, and then continued. “Lots of candidates signed contracts with us, Mitt. There’s no favoritism involved. You’re all equal in The Evil One’s eyes.”
“No we’re not, you just like Rudy better!” Mitt growled. “You like him better because he wants to torture people and he’ll nuke Iran just as soon as he gets his finger on The Button!”
“Oh c’mon, Mitt,” I laughed. “You’re in favor of torturing people and nuking Iran just as much as Rudy is.”
“Darn right, I am!”
“So, there’s no favoritism involved on our end. I can assure you, Mitt, Satan smiles just as broadly on your campaign as it does on Rudy’s.”
Both of Mitt’s faces fell. “You mean there’s nothing you can do?”
I shook my head. “I’m just here to help you all equally,” I said with a grin.
“It’s not fair,” Mitt whined as he got up to leave. I could hear him muttering something about “contracts” and “lawsuit” to himself as he walked back to his campaign SUV. I sighed. Politicians sign contracts with the Devil and then are surprised when they get screwed over? Cry me a river.
I heard a soft knock at the door. I was pretty sure I knew who it was.
“C’mon in, Pat,” I called. “Well, well, you’ve been a busy bee, haven’t you?”
Pat Robertson had the grace to smile softly as he sat down. I like Pat. We’ve always worked well together, and he’s one of my favorites amongst Satan’s minions.
Five (More) Women The Angry Piper Would Totally Do The Sex With (Besides Toyita)
1. Lili Taylor: She made honorable mention last time (no doubt she's very proud of that), but I just saw Factotum and was reminded how incredibly hot she is, so she's officially on the list this time around. Only trouble is, she somewhat resembles Eve (but without the huge tits), and the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with Eve fills me with...icky.
2. Salma Hayek: Speaking of tits, I sure love this picture. I can't believe I forgot about her the first time around.
3. Amy Winehouse: To all the guys out there, I ask you: Could you just imagine?
4. Iron Chef Cat Cora: Oh, hell yes. And she's way sexier than Mario Batali.
5. P J Harvey: Probably the only woman Malach and I would fight over, like Kirk and Spock in "Amok Time", complete with dramatic music and sharp, pointy sticks. More than anyone else on either list, I FUCKING LOVE THIS WOMAN.
Those who know me may be shocked by the exclusion of any big girls. You may ask: is it possible The Angry Piper is changing his tastes? Fuck no. I'm still all about the big girls. But there are very few famous big girls, and fewer still that are attractive.
And don't worry, Toyi: you're still my rock & roll fantasy.
Complaints Department
Not usually my job, but I have a few issues. No. Society has a few issues. Hmmmmm. Alright. Maybe not all of society. A good portion of society. I only want to rant about one at a time so let's tackle the obvious: Celebrity Obssessions.
I don't know any celebrities on a personal level. Neither do any of my friends, family, co-workers or collegues. So, I was shocked the other day (maybe it was a year ago) when I asked a depressed friend what was bothering her. She was upset about "Brad and Angelina" fighting. Stupid me, Ithought they were just normal friends or family members of her. Nope. They were Brad and Angelina Jolie. They were perfect for each other! If they can't be happy, how can any of us ever find happiness???
Or, witness the debate that is Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. Many people obsess about whether she married him because he's Harrison Ford (which I admit, I would agree to do), or becauase it's true love.
Bulletin: It's all fake.
Soap Operas and Pro Wrestling.
Celebrities and Sports figures.
Lucky from GH and Michael Vick.
I
DON'T
CARE
about these people. I don't care if Barry Bonds took steroids or what Lindsay Lohan snorts before doing 90 in her mom's new Porshe. I don't care. I don't.
I watch movies, TV and sports. I could care less about what happens when the show stops. People who work in factories for 20 years and end up bed ridden don't get a SportsCenter special, and they sure as heck don't make celebrity duckets. It might make an interesting read in a magazine here and there, but who cares that some linebacker has had too many concussions and has depression and health issues. I HAVE THAT! I want MY fifteen million dollar contract. To quote the wise and delicious Kurt Russel as Wyatt Earp in TOMBSTONE, "I already got the guilty conscience, might as well have the money too."
Everybody, join me in my latest campaign. Fuck Celebrities. Not sexually, but raise the finger whenever you hear, read or see one. If your friend starts talking about a celebrity, shout "Fuck Celebrities!" at them.
FUCK CELEBRITIES!
Next up: Politics.
Hump Day Jokes
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
~*~*~*~*~*~
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap. The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''
~*~*~*~*~*~
Yankee Doodle went to town
~*~*~*~*~*~
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sorry I missed last week everyone! I
~wicked love to all~
New Innitiative
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Murk
Drinking the Kool-Aid-
Fall is my favorite time of year- all the trees look like they’re on fire (ah, sweet memories of home!) and being election season, it’s the time my services are most in demand by politicians desperate to make last-minute deals. With the Presidential race heating up incomprehensibly early, it’s been pretty busy. The Political Kool-Aid suppliers have been busy too, as you can tell by the way some of the candidates have been twisting themselves into psychotic pretzels. In fact, the behavior of some of the candidates had gotten so bizarre that I decided to call in one of the biggest Demonic Kool-Aid suppliers and find out exactly what she was selling the folks this year.
“What on earth did you sell poor John McCain?” I asked when the supplier, a young blond Demon named Gayle, arrived at my office. “The man’s a walking pharmaceutical experiment. He’s crazier than a rabid golden retriever in a room full of squirrels!”
Gayle shrugged. “He started off with ‘McCarthy’s Triple-Strength Self-Righteousness’ pills, completely standard stuff,” she assured me.
“Started off with? And then what?”
“Well, I may have sold him a double-strength brew of ‘Barry Goldwater Nuke ‘Em All’ powder,” she admitted. “He was paying cash”.
I nodded. “Good work. And the rest of them?”
Gayle leafed through her order book. “Rudy Guiliani ordered a dozen cases of ‘Hastert’s Has-Been Self-Referential Rub’, two boxes of Souter’s ‘Certainly I’m Conservative’ suppositories, and a six-pack of ‘Wacko Cola’.”
“What about Fred Thompson?”
Gayle looked annoyed. “He can’t seem to decide what to order.”
Gee, there’s a surprise. “Fred Thompson just needs some No-Doze,” I suggested. “The man sleeps most of the day, wakes up, yells ‘Mr. Kruschev, Tear down this wall!’ and goes back to sleep again”.
“Wasn’t it Gorbachev?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, Fred's an actor, not an historian.”
Gayle laughed. “Here’s Mitt Romney’s order. Are you ready? Two cases of ‘Sean Hammity Self-Righteous Hypocrite Blend’ bars, and 6 pounds of our ‘Oblivious Self-Contradiction’ salts as well. They’re very popular this year. Hillary bought a bunch too.”
“What else did you sell Hillary?”
Gayle flipped through a dozen pages. “Hillary’s been a big buyer. She’s bought a kilo of ‘Newt Gingrich Neo-Con Tendencies Masker’, 2 gross of ‘Bill Clinton Smugness’ pills, and a quart of JFK Extract.”
“Really? A quart? I thought the JKF Extract was pretty powerful stuff?”
“It usually is,” Gayle said, frowning. “There may be something wrong with this year’s batch. Obama bought 45 gallons of it, and it doesn’t seem to be working at all.”
Gayle got to her feet. “It’s good to see you, but I’ve got a big sales call lined up and I should really get going.”
“New client?”
“No.” Gayle smiled. “I have a sideline of Humorless-Hatred Hi-Colonics for Venomous Tarts, and Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin are in town. I could make enough on this order to spend January in Rio this year.”
I nodded and she left. I sat at my desk, watching the coals glow in the fireplace, and noticed that Gayle had left a bottle of ‘Barry Goldwater Nuke ‘Em All’ powder on my desk. I grinned and picked up the bottle. It would be a Very Bad Thing indeed if any of that got mixed into Dick’s coffee. I looked at my watch. I just had time to get to the Executive Dining Room before breakfast was over if I hurried...
Save some money, save the environment
Many of you know . . .
Malach, back in April began changing all the bulbs in his home to compact flourescent, eventually getting as much of his 2000 square foot house as he could (about 96%) with those bulbs (Wal*Mart has good deals on this, 3 packs for $10). So, I was updating how much less energy I was using, and money I was saving, but I haven't done that in a while, so here it goes.
Last year from the billing period of April 06 - September 06, my house used 5335 KWH costing $578.21. This same period from 2007: 4732 KWH, costing $512.85 saving $65.36 and 603 KWH. This also considers we had a hot summer this year, and I ran my central air for a longer period of time than I normally would. Also, I did not have a full complement of energy saving bulbs until the first week of June, so some of this is a little skewed. Still extrapolate it out for a year comes to approximately $130. Now, I spent this on bulbs, but the bulbs are guaranteed for 5 years . . .
The winter will be interesting as my heating system burns more electricity than gas. I will keep you updated.
You heard it here first
Patriots 38 Colts 24
Some Guys Have All The Luck
So Dennis Kucinich saw a UfO. Well big freaking deal. While we're all busy making fun of him, he's home banging this------>
Yeah, who's funny now?