This post moves Malach a post down, and was done intentionally. This sort of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Intentionally burying a post merrits an automatic ban. All if favor of banning Dr. Murk for posting this to bury Mlach's post on purpose?
Saturdays are made for Malach WoW posts . . .
You get the first annoucement.
Even before my blog, don't you feel lucky? Stool Sample Webcomics, will know be expanded and known as Stool Sample (same web adress). We specialize in Webcomics (Stool Sample Webcomics), hosted art galleries and writing, and music (RubberSuit Records). I have just finished the first page of a major website overhaul. Stool Sample Webcomics is now located here, with a new main page. Hopefully this is a bit easier navigate. My next step is to redo the Misc Debris page, which will only contain weird one shots, and art from our webcomics artists. I will then make a new section, RubberSuit Records. There we will be hosting music, and bands, even stuff beyond Crap Vacuum. I actually have 2 bands waiting in the wings. And finally, I am redoing our fiction and art galleries page (anyone got a good name for this?). Our guest art gallery is getting pretty big.
We are definitely focusing on submissions, I need to also redo this page, but this is our submission policy. I am also waiting for several promised new webcomics (hint, hint). While Stool Sample will focus mainly on Music, Writing, Art, and Webcomics, murk and I have decided to use Third Option to focus on videos, podcasts, music, and writing also. All of the stuff, beyond Murk's personal stuff will be moving from The Hill to TOM or Stool Sample. RubberSuit Studios will remain the host for Stool Sample, but will be my official art/website business (which by the way, at the rate I am going will be doing that exclusively as a job in three years). There will be some other changes, some new stuff too. So stay tuned.
Deja WoW.
Beside the Angry Veteran, everyone is loving Deja WoW. My kids can't stop singing The Electric Company stuff and I told them I would get them some DVD's. Here is a Angry Piper request . . . your gonna love 'em.
And a Malach find that made him wet his bikini underwear.
Malach man, Malach man, most incredible Malach man!
A Public Apology to a Mr. Dr. Murk
Friday, September 29, 2006
I don't do this often, so save this and read it nightly.
I ridiculed him in this public place, so it is only right that my apology be placed in front of the eyes of the same people that witnessed it:
Sweet Jesus, I am sorry. I regret that I don't know you enough to know when you cross the line between truth and jest. Had I known you were actually in need of help I certainly would have been a little more warm and helpful instead of making cruel jokes at your expense. I mean, give me some credit; I am no Cap'n Flak.
Here is me, in a semi-groveling manner, congratulating you on a successful first day on the long road to success. Best of luck to you on your way to recovery, and please don't let bennie goodman die off completely. I love that hateful fellow.
I Survived
I posted the general gist on my blog.
I'm fine and I'm going to do well. If the doctor say your going to do well, you have to because the doctor said to do well.
As for bennie goodman... the Doctor integrated him into me and I've got him caged up. He's only going to be let out when he has to take a dump.
For those of you still missing the point, I write all of his posts, he is me and I created him, so stop sending him hate mail when he rips me for getting sober. It just makes him worse. Ignore him and he'll go away... or will he?
Have fun kids.
I might drop back by later, but I need a nap.
Sorry about the double post, forgot a few important things.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOYI!
Toyi is something like 45 today.
"Help" out one of Malach's Internet Friends.
Tedszee, the brain behind 8 1/2 by Eleven, whose webcomic was so memorably killed in Fat Bug 1.3 (warning mature content in link), and who in turn ripped Fat Bug. Is holding a contest of sorts. Punchline 3. The basic concepts is to go to his forum, and leave a phrase, which he will use as a punchline in an upcoming comic. Here's a link to the contest and where you can leave the phrase. Methinks Tedszee needs some WoW help with this.
Video posts.
There have been, a small number, 1 - 2, of the number of video post on this blog. There is a reason behind. Video post lead to a ton of search hits. We have had a number of search hits in the past month for all our videos, especially the hardcore wrestling and Steve Irwin ones. I am sorry if they bug some of you, and yes the Cindy Salsa was gross, but it was enjoyed as a joke by many of the readers here.
Now I am not encouraging excessing video posts, and I don't think there are any video posts here except for a couple that don't back up the post or illustrate a point. As for just putting in the links for that, I would prefer the video on the page, so I don't have several browser open at once, going back and forth. I am sorry if this bothers some of our contributers, but I see no real benefit to going links only.
I am Malach and I have this strange infection on my leg from a cut from a pricker branch and it is really itchy.
Crazily, Crazily, Crazi - L -Y!
The Weekly Update.
I am no longer doing the weekly update. It takes too much time to do, and when thing happen like blogger screwing up, I need to spend another hour making it? I don't think so. It too bad this blog is as popular and well written as it is or I would just scrap the whole thing for Wordpress, which would automatically create catagories.
I am doing a few interesting song debates at my blog for the next couple of days, yesturdays was about Alanis Morrisette's song, Ironic. Today will probably about the Carly Simon classic, Your So Vain. Enjoy.
Also if you have not been reading Murk's world, and his updates about his journey into sobriety, you are missing some inspriring, scary, emotional stuff. Check it out.
Deja WoW, part the duece
This classic was done by Tom Lehrer perhaps the world's best political song spinner and a huge unfluence on the like of They Might Be Giants, Weird Al Yankovic, Weezer, Ween, and Tom Waits. The Dracula part used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid.
This bring back some memories. I am not sure why Morgan Freeman has a cast on his leg. These two videos just go to show why The Electric Company was perhaps the best kids show of all time, and all the barries they broke.
I am Malach and I am ironic.
Toyi's War Experience Chapter V
Hey guys, here my 2 cents…Well things kept getting uglier, my Dad started talking to us very seriously and specially to me the older one, he taught us where to hide in case military or gunmen came to raid the house, but he also said “if they see you please stay were you are and don’t move” and do what they tell you. Since we had a big yard with lots of trees, we were told which trees we could hide, and feed from, we had some good amount of "Jocote" In English called Yellow Mombin and we could eat its leaves big time in case that family died or were very wounded and we had no way to eat or even if we just couldn’t go outside for food, The funny thing about the trees was that after we knew we could eat those leaves, we wouldn’t wait until war was on lol we had to get correction ‘cause we kept eating the leaves of the trees, the restriction was “Eat them only when there is nothing else to eat” lol wow but those leaves were soooo tasty, now a days I still get the urge for those leaves, they are sour and if you add Soya sauce, a pick of salt and lemon… uhm yumi, they are just delicious, but be prepared… if your stomach is not used to it, don’t eat a big amount to start or you will get a trip to the bathroom and a lasting stomachache, we also had a Mango tree in the middle of the yard, that tree was very productive but anytime you walked under the tree, you had to pay attention to the falling mangos, we could actually sense it cause was easy to ear the mangos falling and hitting the branches making noise un their way to the ground, it was a very tall & thick tree, we also kept water in containers that were never touched just in case (because if electricity goes off then water goes off automatically and so… we wouldn’t want to be caught off guard), a little jar with gas and some covered wood for an improvised “mud stove” granny had made in case we didn’t have electricity, (Cause guerrillas started hitting infrastructure and we were getting energy cuts few times a day, but it was just about time, it was easier for Guerrillas to blow power towers than Gov to replace them. Granny made sure we had grains because grains are very lasting and they don’t need to be frozen; all you need to eat them is boil them in water, she made sure to update the grains once a month or so, (Lents, rice, Peas, etc) why we never had canned food? Because was imported and was very expensive, we couldn’t afford it… one canned item would cost around $0.25 which was about 3 colones (ES Money), with one can only one person could eat, but the grains were cheaper and full of vitamins, with 3 colones we could get grains for a month and family would be able to eat.
Our family had a plan for encounter for war, Okay here we have the 1st encounter of war and was the first time we were going to use the plan.Oh 1AM BOOM, BANG, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. There was a chosen room, this room didn’t have any wall near the street so it was basically protected and perfect to shelter, didn’t have windows either (that was a bedroom were Granny’s granny died she was hit by a speeding biker on her mature age and that hit broke her hip, she never recovered from that and remained in that bedroom until she died, when I was 3 years old I remember that I always had the curiosity to enter that room, the door was always closed when people walked in the door never opened all the way and closed behind their backs, one day I manage to make it to the middle of the bedroom, it had a funny smell when I got caught, all I could see was somebody well covered under lots of bed sheets but couldn’t see her face, she was taken out of there the day she died), okay coming back to subject…everybody had few seconds to bring their pillows and Petates ( to sleep on the floor), petates are very common in Latin America, they are made by hand are far from comfortable they are fresh to minimize the heat cause the place we live is very hot and dry (100-110 degrees), a mattress could be deadly I am not kidding because they are hot and if you sleep on them for too long (if you can ever sleep cause gets hotter indeed) then you can develop Kidney problems (this decease is very common in LA ) and maybe the reason why you now can understand why Hammocks and Petates are very popular in LA, no is not because they are fun like you might think.
My family decided to arrange kids in one place, the only kid that stayed on a hammock was my cousin (she was 2), oh I had a quiet funny experience that night because in some way I was lined up with my cousin’s hammock swinging direction, okay well I am asleep and next thing I get water coming rapidly through my nose and mouth, oh my body reaction of course imediatly sit coughing and shocking in the darkness and then I get knocked by the moving hammock, my aunt (mother on my cousin in the hammock) turns a flashlight & points at me, and she starts laughing unstoppably and out loud because she realized that while she was smoothly swinging my cousin’s hammock to keep her asleep from the bombing; my cousin had peed and I got the shower, family wakes up and laughed like crazy and I got very mad lol well at that time we had no electricity.
Gosh, The Fake World is a Crowded Place.
Yesterday I was sitting at the bus stop and some knuckle dragging tool with a southern accent answered back to some college kid when asked about what he thought of Iraq
"You're the only ones who obsess on that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the most part."He went on to say he has difficulty understanding the motivations behind the violence in Iraq.
"It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people," he said. "Why do they kill people of other religions because of religion? Why do they hate the Israeli's and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."
…
Oh wait, that’s right, that wasn’t some auto mechanic who never
graduated high school saying all that shit at the bus stop, it was the good
Senator Trent Lott talking to reporters in DC!
Lott… How can you say you don’t understand it? Have you bothered to listen to ANYONE who actually is an expert in the Middle East? They might have a fucking clue for you as to the motivations! I hear they got that information by actually educating themselves on the region!
The Republicans are so engaged in Group Think they just have no idea how bad it looks when they say shit like that. No one cares?!! Yeah, I guess not.Well I’m sure Lott’s seat is very secure even if he were running for re-election, but it will be interesting to see just how little people care after November has run it’s course, and how many Republicans come back to clean out their desks.
Though I still don’t want the Dems (Or any mythical third party) to win back power this time around because there is no way the problems are getting fixed in the next two years, and I would prefer the assholes who shat in their own bathtub got to bathe in it a little longer.
___
Thought of the Day..
Thursday, September 28, 2006
...."In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together. "
Dwight D Eisenhower, 1961
For further thought provoking information, visit the Greater Good, and watch The God Delusion
GOD FUGGIN' DAMMIT
Where's the Fuggin' Week at WoW post?
Fuggin' Blogger is having issues, not only did it not post, but it deleted the post . . . . So you get this instead.
Deja - Wow
I am Malach and Gen X'er
How Much Are You Paying at the Pump Today?
I’m paying $2.04 a gallon. Not to shabby if I do say myself. Funny I was talking the other day with my co-workers & my mother and we tried to remember the lowest we paid for gas. I could remember paying $1.02 a gallon. The lowest anyone could remember was my mother, she paid .49 cents a gallon, yet she informed me she still stole gas back in the days.
Which got me thinking about people that steal gas. Usually the ones that do it often like the feeling they get of fear. I asked her why she stole it when it was so cheap. Her reason was so she could have money to go to the bars, because back in that day drink were way cheaper. (My mom’s crazy ...I think I should get her to write some stories for the WoW blog)
So here is my question to you all.
How much are you paying now & what’s the lowest you have ever paid?
~wicked love to all~
Some News, an Apology, a Rant?, and a big FU!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Greatest Show on Turf.
It did not take long for the best reality show on TV, the Dallas Cowboys, to get the ball rolling. Of course, T.O. had to take the spotlight with an apparent "suicide attempt". I used the quotes intentionally. Of course, this is now being spun by the Cowboys, and Owens was released from the hospital, but how long before this blows up? It is kind of frightening when Terry Glenn is the model citizen on your team (although, read the article, evidently Glenn sliced his hand on a pair of scissors, trying to "cut tape off his pants", while reaching down the front of his pants). Mike Vanderjagt, your up next!
And Apology
I must aplogize to Matt Clement (aka Matt Clementalcase). All of us in Red Sox nation questioned his toughness, and his mental stablity this year. He kept trying to come back, and would continually be set back. The tests on his shoulder were showing nothing and we demanded tests on his head. Well, they finally did exploratory surgery which revealed a torn rotator and torn labrum. Well Matt Clement, let me apologize to you for questioning you. I also apologize for all my Buckos.
The War in Iraq, Dubya, and the release of the previouly classfied war report by the Bush Administration.
As many of you know, the Bush Adminstration declassified a report of the war in Iraq, that does not paint the rosy picture, this administration has tried to create. You can even read the file (PDF format) here. Well, Malach likes to listen to talk radio and a likes to scan around to different political views. There are even programs I like to call into on occasion to ruffle some feathers.
It was interesting to listen to the left argue with the right and how idiotic they both sounded. The left just continually points out the failings of the war, which have been reassured by this document and how we went into Iraq under false pretenses. The right just continually spouts about the criminality of the leaks that led to this release and how we need to support the troops and killing one terrorist at a time. Rediculous arguments. I called one show today, to point this out, that both arguments are just avoiding the point how to clean up the Middle East. Of course I was shouted down as both a left leaning treasonous moon bat liberal, and a war mongering right wing war happyfreak, with out really getting to the meat of the problem.
So, here is Malach latest solution for Iraq. First, we need to immediatley witdraw from the Middle East, including Afghanistan. Take all this money we are investing and reinvest it in our country, our homeland security, our people, our poor and disenfranchised, and reduce our national debt. We need to bring all our allies, and even non allies in and develop this plan. We need to adopt a cold war policy not only with terrorism, but with EVERY country that supports terrorism and terror like tactics. That includes, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, who ever. We need to be on constant alert, and threat of pressing the button on whomever attacks needs to be the deterrant. We need to make countries the sponsor this stuff equally as responsible. Economic sanctions will be placed on countries that continue this behavior and countries that abandon it, economic help.
The UN also needs to be changed. The UN is extremely good at humanitarian and dimplopmatic things, not so good as being the world police.
The problem with Islam, is the same issue that occured with every other faith over the course of history. Judiasm had it early violent land grabbing to anyone who was not Jewish, Christianity had it Crusades, and Insquisitions. These faiths came out of it as relative peacful ones, but only after a few thousand years of formation. Eventually Islam will come around to this, but will it take another thousand years? The US and it's allies need coax it along, to start providing information to Islamic coutries . . . computers, access to the internet, etc. For country who are definitley want to change, military help. Unfortunately it is a waiting game, and dangerous waiting game, eventually Muslims will be sick of rule by fundamentalist Clerics, oust them and put in a non theorcratic form of government.
And if we are ever attacked again? After analysis of the groups and countries responsible, we need to have a good enough relationship with our allies to immediately address the issue militarily, as a group, even if it means a nuclear attack.
And Screw Heroes and Misfits of Science
I am Malach solving all the world's problems.
Hump Day Jokes!!!
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
*~*~*~*~*
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
*~*~*~*~*
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike."Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked."Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking.""Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth.""That is the truth!" Johnny replied."Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
~wicked love to all~
Bad People Don't Deserve Your Help.
At first I didn't understand why some people actually have such a hardon for hating the unfortunate. I see this aimed at homeless people, poor people on welfare, drug addicts, troubled youth, illegal immigrants etc...
Homeless people for example, seem to be the object of great spite by many otherwise nice middle-class people. As soon as they see a homeless person they spit out invective poison at them. Yet the homeless are people who most of us really have no idea about. You don't know these people. You don't know if they are homeless because they are mentally ill, or because they ran away from a sexually abusive stepfather, or because they are just having a shitty spat of luck, or if they are just being "lazy". You know nothing about them, yet you automatically cast derision on them as a group, as if they all share some kind of common characteristic other than being homeless.
Then it hit me. The reason why you want to hate them is because then it's easy to not feel guilty about not doing anything to help them. You see, they are "Bad People" and bad people don't deserve your help, because they deserve what they get.
Who are bad people? Well let's see if I can make a list from memory;
Drug addicts, because they should have known when they were 16 that addiction was such a powerful force, and thus avoided giving in to peer pressure. And if they wanted to turn their life around they would just "buck up" and clean up their lives.
Teenagers who engage in unprotected sex, and thus get pregnant or get HIV. Again, because there is nothing more evil than a young person who is not acting like a responsible adult.
Welfare mothers, (their kids are also bad people since the Bible says that sins of the father shall be visited upon the son.)
Homeless pan handlers, because they get to loaf around all day getting handouts.
Illegal immigrants, because they have cheated our fair and balanced legal system and are letting themselves be exploited by American businesses.
Residents in the Developing World (or Iraq for that matter), because they are all just savages who want to do nothing but kill each other. None of them actually want to make a better life or change anything. They just like being slaughtered by rebel factions on Monday and government forces on Tuesday and then a natural disaster on Wednesday.
As you can clearly see, these are all Bad People, because good people have jobs. Good people don't do drugs. Good people don't make life-ruining choices when young. Good people have houses, they go to church, and they pay their taxes. Good people don't live in bad places, and they certainly don't stay there, since it's so easy to immigrate legally to where good people like us live.
How convenient that good people don't really need any fucking help, unless you consider lending them your hedge clippers or giving their kids a lift to the soccer game to be helping them.
So I've figured it out. It's the way you people deal with guilt. You can't handle just honestly saying you don't want to help those who are having a shitty life, after all, that would be Un-Christian (Un-Muslim, Un-Humanist, Un-American, whatever). Bad people get what they deserve and therefore you don't need to feel as bad about stepping over them when they are lying passed out on the street.
So give up trying to fool the rest of us with your long drawn out reason for why some unfortunate person is not worthy of your pity. Because you would save a lot of time by just being honest about the fact that you just don't want to give a flying fuck about anyone who actually requires real help.
It's okay, you're certainly not alone in that sentiment. You're in the company of a large number of other Good People ™.
Meet Your Figureheads: The Angry Veteran
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
In these dark times, our world needs heroes. The Angry Veteran is the hero who Bonnie Tyler is holdin’ out for.
Back in Dubya Dubya Two, there were rumors of a secret U.S. government project to create the ultimate human fighting machine for use against the Third Reich. This project, code-named “Project Super-Soldier”, was more than mere rumor. It was, instead, a resounding success; the result of which is the man we now know as the Angry Veteran. Impossible, you say? Not so. For although the Angry Veteran we know today is a young man of 33 years old, he is without question the same man who—possessed of grit, moxie, pluck and a legendary right hook—gave those stinkin’ Ratzis what-for back in the Big One.
Back then, he was not known as the Angry Veteran. Back then, he had a different name. Many of our generation do not believe he truly existed; that instead he was mere myth and legend; Allied propaganda for use in rallying troops to the American cause, a living symbol of patriotism; a “Star-Spangled Avenger”, if you will. This rare photo shows him in action against the Nazi menace. Note the square jaw so strong you could bend steel around it. He was aways a big hit with the ladies. This artist’s rendition depicts him with the now-famed French Resistance fighter, Mireille St. Jacques, codenamed “Mrs. Slap-n-Bap” by the OSS. Together these two fought bravely against the Axis powers in the European theatre, performing legendary feats of derring-do and inspiring thousands to “Kick a Kraut for Cap” (The AV had the nominal rank of Captian in the US Army).
Unfortunately, as history (or myth, depending on your point-of-view) records, the man who would one day be known as The Angry Veteran met his “end” when, strapped to a VX rocket he was barely able to disarm in time, he plunged into the icy waters of the Arctic ocean and froze to death. But he did not freeze to death. Rather, he entered a state of suspended animation while decades passed. Eventually, he was found and thawed…then trotted out like a show pony for the Bush Administration, who desperately needed a miracle to revive their sagging approval ratings. But before the first press conference, the man who is now known as the Angry Veteran was given access to the Internet, where he learned about what has happened to America since his heroic sacrifice in WWII.
He decided not to “play ball”, and fled.
At least, that’s the story. Over the next several years, reports of his activities are scarce. Rumor has it he single-handedly repelled an invasion of the U.S. by the theretofore-neutral Swiss Army, who, in a fit of imperialistic mania and armed with very sophisticated knives, sought to impose their will on the American Midwest in a parachute raid reminiscent of “Red Dawn.” But this cannot be confirmed.
Everything above should be considered a falsehood, perpetuated by a government that seeks to obscure, inveigle and obfuscate rather than inform. The U.S. government officially denies the existence of the Angry Veteran. An unnamed government spokesperson is quoted as saying there is no one by the name “Angry Veteran” currently serving in the military in any capacity. The President has gone a step further, saying in a press conference: “Angry Veterans? No such thing. All veterans of our great military army are proud and happy people who are glad to have done their bit to find and punish these radical Islamo-fascist terrorist killers and keep our nation, country and America safe and protected form these Islamo-fascist terrorist killers, and to punish them. After they find them first, I mean. Amen.”
Much of what you are now about to read was learned at great personal risk. As stated above, there are those who wish to keep you uninformed. Those who wish to mold our thoughts and herd us like cattle. Those to whom the truth is dangerous. Through undercover informants and shady sources, I have discovered the current whereabouts and activities of The Angry Veteran.
The Angry Veteran is currently [ BLOCK DELETE 89 BYTES]. He is known to be responsible for at least [ BLOCK DELETE 107 BYTES] unsurprising, given his proclivity for [ BLOCK DELETE 99 BYTES] extremely large testicles and [BLOCK DELETE 64 BYTES] films of the “women’s prison” genre. He is to be considered highly proficient in the following areas [ BLOCK DELETE 199 BYTES] crossword puzzles and fellatio, but is also known to enjoy [BLOCK DELETE 120 BYTES] spooning with [BLOCK DELETE 40 BYTES] “low-class rent-boys.” The Angry Veteran’s current suspected activities indicate it is extremely unlikely that he has left active service, if not with an officially sanctioned branch of our government than with [SERVER ERROR---SYSTEM CRASH---DATA LOSS 99.9999999%---CONTACT BLOG ADMINISTRATOR]
Reliving old television…
Howdy, kids! Been a while!
Today, something popped into my head. Well, 2 things of note, one I wanted to share, and the other I wanted to ask all of you.
And for once, I’m not talking conspiracies. Well, not right now. We may decide to discuss the conspiracy that gets good shows cancelled, but that will be later.
For now, its television. Sure, television is evil. But, it is also quite entertaining. I myself watch the ol box from time to time, and have found some darn thought provoking programming. And some wonderful wastes of time.
So, it appears there is a new show called Heroes. Ol Hobbsy here missed the show last night, but the buzz is all about it today. I believe they are rerunning it tonight, so I’ll check it out. Did any of you see it?
So, what this buzz reminded me of was the Misfits of Science. Does anyone remember that show? It was fantastic. Here’s a little bit to remind you!
Now, why can’t we get that show back? I want to know.
My other question is this. Does anyone else remember a show from the 80’s, it seemed to be set in Australia, was very Mad Max-ish, and basically was about 2 guys who drove big rigs, one which transformed to a helicopter, one into I think a tank. Does anyone remember this show?
So, I guess, like everyone else, I have to confess that I am the helpful critic. Which is odd, since I don’t remember ever wanting to be helpful.
Thanks!
Why are shoes so tasty? An interview with Paws, our blog mascot.
After a recent visit to the ASPCA, the editorial staff of the Wand of Wonder returned with a new mascot, named Paws. Paws is a yellow lab puppy.
What makes Paws so special is that he is a canine telepath. He was originally bred in a top secret breeding project known as "Mind Bite." Mind Bite was a collaboration between the AKC, Mensa, and the CIA.
Paws washed out of the obedience training portion of the project when he refused to sit, stay, or roll over as directed. Before the "Mind Bite" personnel could destroy him, Paws escaped and assumed the identity of an abandoned puppy. Paws made telepathic contact with our editors when we visitied the ASPCA facility and we immediately knew we had found a brother in arms.
Paws wanted to say a few words, but because we have no canine accessible keyboards at WoW headquarters, he can only speak to you all through an interview format. And now, Paws:
Paws (PW): Thank you for rescuing me from the ASPCA and the Mind Bite "recovery teams."
Angry Veteran (AV): You're welcome.
PW: I just wanted to let everyone know that I am not the Helpful Critic. And, in addition, I agree with you that some things should be sent in private emails and not posted on the boards.
AV: Thanks.
PW: Why do shoes have such an incredible taste? I mean, I have an IQ of 210 and can cause a stroke by telepathically blocking key blood vessels in your brain, but I just cannot, for the life of me, figure out why these damn shoes taste so good.
(Paws is, as we speak, gnawing on the insole of a Minolo Balanik)
AV: I imagine it has something to do with the materials of the shoe and the condition of the previous wearers feet. But I'm only guessing.
PW: Well, whatever it is, this shit is like crack. Do you have anymore of this stuff? I mean, I'm good for it, I will absolutely pay you back - I just, I mean, I can't imagine what it is going to be like when I'm done with this shoe and there aren't anymore around.
AV: I imagine the staff could get you some more.
PW: Great. Great. How do you think Muppets would taste?
A post for the Red Sox Nation
Do you want to be Manny Ramirez?
You know you do.
Just print this out on a color copier,
visit the lamination machine at Kinko's,
and Voila - superstar.
This image was stolen from The Onion. Go read it.
It's funny and has no disgusting pictures.
Or disgusting videos.
Evidence 101: Chain of Custody (or, don't lose the computer with all of Karr's kiddy porn)
News Article:
SANTA ROSA, California (AP) -- A judge said Monday that she will consider a defense request to dismiss child pornography possession charges against one-time JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr.
The announcement comes after Sonoma County Sheriff's officials revealed last week the computer that allegedly held the illicit images was lost in 2002.
Judge Cerena Wong is set to consider Wednesday whether the five misdemeanor charges Karr faces should be thrown out.
She criticized prosecutor Joann Risse for not telling her that the computer was lost even though she has known about it since August 30.
The judge said she also would consider whether to unseal evidence in the case because she previously had issued the sealing orders based on statements Risse made about continuing efforts to obtain more information from the computer.
Risse said her office has printouts of 1,600 photographs from the computer, including the five suspect images, but the original computer images are missing.
Karr, a 41-year-old former schoolteacher, has rejected a plea deal in the case, and remains in Sonoma County jail on $200,000 bail. The computer was taken from his home in 2001, but he fled before his trial.
Analysis:
So, when we go to trial, we like to present something we call "evidence." For example, if you charge someone for possession of child pornography on their computer, you need to have two things: (1) child pornography and (2) THE COMPUTER.
Looks like Mr. Karr is going to be beating the rap on this case as well. Good work Sonoma county criminal justice!
I must not fear...
In an effort to push Malach's latest video spam down on the page so that I don't have to look at it every single time I check The WoW, here is an article reprinted with permission from The Old 3rd Movement Rant & Reckon Blog:
"Society's Silent Assassin"
by: Dr. Robert J. Murk
“Fear is the mind killer.”
- Frank Herbert
We live in a culture of fear. We are paralyzed by it.
Corporations design advertisements that show us how we should look, how we should dress and what we should eat. The implied message is that if we don’t buy, we’ll be less than those around us. Does a person need a large plasma TV if they can see the screen on the current one just fine? No, but commercials subtly imply that every important person has one.
The government uses fear to rally support. The news media use fear to boost ratings. Social groups and businesses use fear to influence and motivate. Families use fear to control behaviors and interactions. Every corner of our lives is filled with it.
There’s always talk about reducing stress. The root of stress is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of humiliation. Fear of not being loved. We should be talking about reducing fear. Some would have us believe that bravery conquers fear. No. A brave person is one who is afraid, but continues on in the face of that fear. That is one way to continue on. Bravery, like all virtues, is only attained through practice. We are not all brave, but we could all practice bravery. Even still, some would never achieve it.
It is our firm belief that all people deserve to live free of fear. Since we cannot all become brave, another solution is called for. So, in order to eliminate fear, we must find the root of fear.
In the past, people struggled to meet their basic needs: food, shelter and safety. This sort of fear is instinctive and necessary. If you are starving, or out in the cold, or in physical danger, your primary focus needs to be on meeting the basic needs.
Once the basic needs are met, other more complicated needs arise. The needs for friendship, love, acceptance and fulfillment are all relevant to our happiness. The attainment of friendship, love, acceptance and fulfillment occupies most of our thoughts. Sometimes, we even act rashly or recklessly in order to have these things. And other times, we are downright vicious and cruel in the name of love, friendship, acceptance and fulfillment. These are powerful needs.
When our needs are not met, we become desperate. That’s when we fear. We fear that these needs will not be met unless we act! Any action, even a devious or hurtful one is better than doing nothing. If we do nothing, it will slip away, right? Well, consider for a moment that you are not the only one that knows you act desperate when you are afraid.They know. They use it to use you all the time! Their solution? Buy it, vote for it, work for it, worship it or kill for it. So, you do. And afterward you’re still no closer to your goal.
What’s our solution? First, realize there is no action necessary to attain that level of friendship, love, acceptance or fulfillment. Chances are, you already have it.
Quick story: A friend of ours wanted to be in a romantic relationship with a particular person. He was already friends with her. He wanted so badly to be with her, that he didn’t realize that he was already with her. He was so caught up in making her fall in love with him, that he forgot to do all the things that make women fall in love with men. Things like making her laugh, or politely complimenting her, or even just listening to her. These were all the things he imagined himself doing with her, but he didn’t realize that all he had to do was do them and enjoy them! He was too busy wallowing in fear of never having that special relationship to build that relationship. All he had to do was to continue doing the things that made them friends in the first place. Even if they had never become intimate, at least he would have enjoyed every aspect of her that he could have. But even more than that… There were probably fifteen girls at the time that did want to have a romantic relationship with him. No. He wouldn’t even give them a chance. It’s a shame, one of them might have been his future wife, but he was blinded by the fear of losing that particular girl.
The moral is that we are usually given what we need. When we aren’t, we find the strength to get what we can and survive without the rest. Every human being should be able to boil their desires down to one sentence. You’d be surprised how similar all our sentences would be if we did. Once we have a good handle on our desires, our fear will lessen. Without needless desires, there are no more needless worries. Eliminate needless desire. Write the one sentence that defines your needs and ignore the rest of the bullshit. You’ll find that what you really need is neither bought nor sold, neither legislated nor fought for nor worked for etc. Realizing this is the end to needless fear.
Picture fear as a lever. You are standing on the low end of a seesaw, and they are going to push down on the high end to launch you off. You can clutch at the ground or hang on to your end for dear life. Perhaps, you could just step off the seesaw. Once their lever is gone, they have no way of moving you. Once they no longer can move you, you will move yourself. That leap off is the first step. It’s the only step.
The two final fears to be conquered are the fear of death and the fear of the unknown. Those fears are quite different and are not within the scope of this article. Suffice to say that fearing death or the unknown prepares you for neither. Unknown things will happen, and we can prepare for them by training our minds and our bodies. Death is, as of yet, unavoidable. We prepare for death first by accepting our temporary nature, then by training our soul.
The culture of fear we live in can only be overcome by constant vigilance on our part. Whenever we feel anxious, we must first remember what it is we really need, and then slowly realize that our anxiety is not related to those true needs, but usually something insignificant. We must remind ourselves that ‘sweating the small stuff’ literally saps our energy to deal with true crises. Not only does our anxiety make us feel bad in the present, but it leaves us under prepared and over tired in the future.
Focus on your true needs. Write down that sentence again and again until you really get it.
It is only when we conquer fear that the true part of our work in this life can begin.
We have a confession to make.
We are Helpful Critic.
We did not intend any of this, though we are quite enjoying the fallout.
We simply commented on one little post, but were forced to continue due to the backlash.
And now, watching all of you, we simply can not resist the urge to continue.
You are all the Helpful Critic, but none of you are us.
We are the Helpful Critic
And we will be watching you.
We did not intend any of this, though we are quite enjoying the fallout.
We simply commented on one little post, but were forced to continue due to the backlash.
And now, watching all of you, we simply can not resist the urge to continue.
You are all the Helpful Critic, but none of you are us.
We are the Helpful Critic
And we will be watching you.
A short message
Monday, September 25, 2006
As most of you know, my adventures in sobriety begin this Friday. I've had a bad day today and it's Monday Night Football, and I am going to drink my usual pint (of brandy) while watching the game.
But I want you all to know that my bad day has been almost completely erased by the posts and the comments on today's blog. Capn... nice booke review. AV "I'm much funnier when I'm searching you for contriban." Classic. Malach, perfect mustard and ass kicking comment. Hojo, open your own Pizza place and call it "Ho-Jo's. Where Hos make pizza for Joes."
Everyone else, you're funny too.
Except for the helpful critic, who is not funny and we all know it;s Shimmer Love. Only someone as funny as her could be as non funny in her alter ego.
Bye and thanks for all the fish.
Murk
Is this our Dystopian Future?
Presenting EPIC 2015.
Watch this one it will make you think. Comments very much appreciated. Copyright Robin Sloan and Matt Thompson.
I am Malach and Googlezon scares me.
Cap'n Flak's Book Club: Reviewing Titles for the Kids!
This is a classic! Originally written in the 1950's, I found this book at an antique store in Plymouth, MA. My son thinks it's hilarious and he regularly tells his mother to "make me some chicken nuggets, or I will give you a nice warm glass of PUNCH IN THE FACE."Ha! Kids! They say the darndest things!
Oh, that poor Babar! He went on a trip to visit his family in Africa, and BLAMMO a poacher takes his fat ass OUT! Well, the moral of this book will teach your kids that life doesn't always turn out the way you thought it would. No shit, right? I always tell my kids that I thought I'd be President of the United States or a famous actor or whatever, but instead, their Mommy decided it was baby making time and, well the rest is depressing history. They usually cry themselves to sleep after reading this one. That's fine with me as long as their sleeping and I'm drinking!
I tend to read my kids this book when I am mad at my wife over some bullshit or whatever. Most of the time, I skip right to the "Mommy doesn't love you anymore" part, but every once in a while I read it all way through under the pretense that they better behave for Daddy will run off, find a hooker, get AIDS and die. And, they understand that's probably not a good thing. So, they learn something with this book too!And that IS a good thing!
I'm a big believer in kids working as soon as they are able to do so. But, I'd rather my kids work at something that builds confidence and style as opposed to just sticking them in a Chinatown sweatshop and hoping they live long enough to bring home a paycheck that Daddy can use to put a new Flowmaster exhaust system on his Camaro.
Well, this one was better than Daddy Sucks Pole.
This one is my personal favorite. I mean, any book where a lonely albino elephant who has some serious gender issues hires a transvestite from "the wrong side of the Amazon" works for me. I won't even go into the stories about how my kids now approach women at the local grocery store and ask them "hey, you... how much?"God, I LOVE AMERICA!
Random Thoughts, by Malach the Merciless
First, some housekeeping . .
Welcome Coolsuffdude to the Wand of Wonder. Malach has known Coolsuff for a few years now. Not only should he be a good productive member, but he should also post some interesting articles and comments.
There are several contributers here who have never posted an article, even further there are a couple who have never posted or commented. Get your act together or you will be disintegrated.
I have had some interesting discussion with fans of WoW via e-mail and forums. They all love the characters, the topics, and the interaction. One thing most of them see as a negative is the "hectic" pace of the postings. I am really at loss on how to fix this. Murk and I have knocked around reviving the Minimum Security Forums, only here at TOM. Will this help? Several of these people who I spoke stated they would prefer to interact with us via a forum . . .
Race.
The Human Race. Malach has always been interested in race, the differences between races, the mixing of races, and why there is racism. Firstly, racism is so rediculous. You don't see Horse hating each other for the color of their fur.
With that being said, the stereotypes about the different human races have some kernel of truth (most stereotypes do). Some races have certain advantages over others. Whether it is physical skill from muscle mass, more brain power, or just better sun protection. Malach is not going to go through them all, we all know them.
What has become most interesting over the past 50 years is the mixing of races, especially as this country and the world has become more open and accepting this. We are creating a race of superhumans. And as Public Enemy said : Skins protected 'gainst the ozone layer, breakdown, 2001 it might be best to be black or just brown, countdown!. It is also interesting to see what a mixture of races does over a few generations.
With that being said . . .
It is time to play WHAT RACE AM I?
Today on what race am I, we will one of these mutts.
Look at me, what race am I? Obviously, there is some type of Asian race in there, but my name is Ryan O'Callaghan (OL, New England Patriots). So, I am Irish too, perhaps. I am also about 300lbs, which is not Asian. perhaps some Somoan?
I am Malach and my race is Demi God
Stick it to the Man
Sunday, September 24, 2006
It was a dark and stormy evening yesterday. I had just finished mowing my grandparents' lawn before the rain came, and I was making my way back home on foot, because there are no cars in Louisiana and my air boat was in the shop. As I got out onto the main road I saw a man lying on the pavement, groaning as he reached out to me.
I ran towards the man, and as I approached him I saw, in slow-motion, a Papa John's pizza delivery man speeding by. I could hear myself screaming "Oh my God, that's Kenny Rogers!" before the car hit him. I lay there, weeping over Kenny's body, when the most prolific thought of my young life occurred to me:
Pizza is sexist. It's true. Think about all of the pizza companies. Papa John's, Little Caesar's, and in my area we have such testosterone-laden pizza companies as Johnny's Pizza and Mr. Gatti's. Even the big ones like Pizza Hut and Domino's make no mention of women, making them effectively neutral. Women have toiled for years for equality, only to live in a country where we are forced to eat misogynist pizza.
Do not get me wrong, I am no feminist. To me the only excuse for a burned bra is leaning a little too far over the stove in an attempt to stir the gravy. I just would like to eat a pizza that was made by a woman for once. It's cold, hard fact that men cannot cook, which means every pizza I've ever eaten has been sub-par. Please, ladies, make me pizza!
^The above statement, even the story, is completely true. Well, maybe not the bra part, but I digress. I can only speak from the perspective of someone from my area, though so if any of you WoWees know of a feminine named pizza store, please tell me so I can have peace. Fight the power, WoWees.
Q and A Session
Saturday, September 23, 2006
So, anyone know . . .
who this is? More specifically on this post of May 18th, this person seems to have copied a bunch of this from this blog, and several other blogs associated with this one. Theory? Yet another alternate identity, or a insane person who wants to be part of our madness.
A poem.
Now let's talk about self expression, true expression
Open your minds without question
No doubt,
tell me what you're thinking about
Let's try to set aside pride and clout
Can you believe I feel the same exact way you do?
You truly do believe these modern ways have fooled you
Systems exist so we never meet each other
Pretty soon from now that I'll long the word "brother"
And that's true if they see you walking with a crew
If you don't know,
that means more than two
I'll tell you what they'll do
They'll pull over, hunt you over
Kick your ass, nightstick to your shoulder
I know it's unjust, as if it wasn't enough
If you try to fight back they're locking your ass up
And Chuck already told you that a cell is hell
But I'm waiting for the phone so I'll sit for a spell
Call the guard,
tell him I'm a piece of God
With no beliefs in his streets or his boulevards
I eat, read so my mental is hard
And the heat from my anger just melted the bars
They reach for their guns so I put them to sleep
Break the chains and put the shoes back on my feet
He's on the loose with no discernible scars or marks
Just the mind of Mandela and the heart of Rosa Parks
So I dip,
time to see the governor and mayor
Tell them life ain't fair and see if they care
Well they do, but only if they are the heir
So they appear to have a heart and make a flair
But they haven't done shit for us and that's a fact
Their only function is to keep the funny money where it's at
And it causes pain, stress
Ask me if we need a different way of life (yes)
Headline: Bush steals the presidency
He needs the backing of the media what could the remedy be?
The country's headed for recession reminiscent of the Great Depression
Are lives worth a world of power?Easy question
Planes hit the towers and the Pentagon
Killing those the government wasn't dependant on
It's easy to control the scared so they keep us in fear
With their favorite Middle Eastern demon named Bin Laden this year
Bush disguises blood lust as patriotism
Convincing the living to love "Operation Let's Get 'Em"
But when he realized we don't support their attacks
They needed something to distract,
hmm, anthrax
This further demonizes Afghanis
So Americans cheer while we kill their innocent families
And what better place to start a war
To build a pipeline to get the oil that they had wanted before
America supported the Taliban
To get Russia out of Afghanistan
That's how they got the arms in
They're in a war against the Northern Alliance
And we can't build a pipeline in hostile environments
Here's what your history books won't show:
You're a dead man for fucking with American dough
They killed several birds with one stone
While you're at home with anti-terrorism up in your dome
But my eyes are wide open and my TV is off
Great,
'cause I save on my electricity cost
And you can wave that piece of shit flag if you dare
But they killed us because we've been killing them for years
I am Malach and this is a test.
Okay, my confession...
Friday, September 22, 2006
I am bennie goodman.
For those of you who haven't heard the podcast yet, I am going into an alcohol recovery program next Friday. Okay, too dramatic. I'm going to see my Doctor and he and I are going to get me a plan and the proper treatment to quit drinking.
It turns out that bennie goodman is an alternate personality of mine. As I drink one of my final glasses of brandy this eve (they say not to try to stop on your own, because if you do, you might get stressed out and never show up for your appointment, or feel too overconfident and never show up for your appointmanet) anyways, I'm drinking this damn poison when I logged on as bennie goodman... it took me a full 2 minutes to realize that:
1. I was about to write a post that bennie goodman is the helpful critic (who knows if he is, even though he's me).
2. I had no clue how I knew his login password and why I was posyting as him.
3. I hate bennie goodman and he hates everything else, which is evry un-Murkish.
4. I've denied being bennie goodman so many times that I had to be him. It was only logical.
So, stay tuned to this blog and Murk's World and future podcasts for updates on my integration of bennie goodman into my true personality and my adventures into sobriety, a land which I hear has many treasures and poisonous snakes (imaginary).
I swear to you that this is my only other alter ego, unless bennie has been hiding stuff from me.
Oh, and I was Aunt Ginny, but that got too difficult to maintain. Contact me at hex2323@yahoo.com if you want to take over as her.
And I am the writer Elias I Dolon. I'm keeping that name for when I get published.
Oh, and I'm responsible for about 1/3 of the anon posts and harrassing emails you receive.
AND, the character Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights was based on me.
AND although I don't wear women's clothing, the Angry Piper is not the only cross dresser in our vast blogging community.
I feel better now.
Hojo's Act of Contrition
I have always stayed in the shadows on this blog, allowing the more colorful characters to take the spotlight. I haven't let that affect what I do and do not post, but my interaction with the members has been formal at best.
The thing is, I don't act like a big jerk in the comments because I have this weird dislike of people associating bad thoughts and ill will to my "name."
WoWees, I am Helpful Critic. I made the name so I can act like a complete crotchmunch to people without them hating me. I am sorry, WoWees, how many Hail Mary's must I say?
THIS JUST IN!
And now a message from Rip Taylor:
My, whoa, ho, ho, ho, fe, fi, fo... FRIENDS!
I have to admit something. I wear a toupee. You knew that, didn't you? OH! HO! HO! HIYEA YOU DID! Actually, what I wanted to tell you is that I am helpful critic.
I called Cap'n Flak today (I know him personally because I went to school in Montreal with his Father wayyyy heyyy heyyy back) and he suggested that I fess up. UP! HUP! HUP! HO!
Anyway, that's it. Really. Look, I don't dance, folks! This is it! That's all.
I spank you for your time. HEYOH!
-Rip
A video report from the Buckos Brigade
All I can say is WoW.
A high ranking Buckos Brigade member sent me this video just now, as a reponse to the previous video of Steve Irwin's death here at the WoW. This is from Operation Aussie Revenge.
Good, work Buckos.
I am Malach and I am proud of the buckos!
The Steve Irwin Video.
Here at the WoW?.
I debated about posting this, but perhaps we can see this as a lesson. WARNING, MAY DISTURB SOME VEIWERS.
I am Malach and I miss Stevie.
Can we freakin settle this already?
OKay look... I'm The Helpful Critic, and so's my wife.
There, the joke is now officially finished.
Moving right along.
I have a confession to make
I cannot deceive you, my internet friends, any longer.
I, the Angry Veteran, have been posting as The Helpful Critic.
I am, at heart, both Statler and Waldorf, and, quite frankly, always have been.
However, that is no excuse to abuse your love and trust. I am truly sorry and hope you can forgive my awful abuse of you.
I have a Confession to make
I lay my fate in your hands.
I am The Helpful Critic. It was just silly experiment, but I cannot maintain this secrecy.
I am Malach, helpful and critical.
Here's a Solution
Thursday, September 21, 2006
If we have 10 consistent posters, and 300 visitors...
Why not get 5 reliable like minded persons to read or join up.
More people equals more power.
Ask yourself this: How many people have you directed to the WoW? How many people have you invited to contribute?
hex2323@yahoo.com
MORE PEOPLE = MORE POWER.
Most sucessful enterprises are based on referrals. reffer an friend. NOW!
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF by Cap'n Flak Paperpants
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "donations to Murk & Malach in 2008."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Then, scratch your ass, finger your belly button and rub your crotch. Smell fingers.
5. Stomp on little plastic mustard packets and refer to them as silly Asians.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Use your washer fluid only when it's raining.
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think, FUCKO."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Farting noises apply here as well.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy" or "in my pants."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Or just holler random numbers at anytime.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. Tell everyone you know them.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. Stare at everyone else in the establishment until you are asked to leave, and then say "I will be seated now. Amen."
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk while saying "tee hee hee" over and over.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera. Even better... RAP along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme... even if it does.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." This will work even better if you look just like Teddy Roosevelt.
33. Be a man, but wear a skirt.
Meet Your Figureheads: Dr. Robert J. Murk
Darkness, and then a sudden light. Groggy, I fumbled upwards towards the light, my head swimming. I blinked and the world began to resolve itself into a multicolored blur. Gingerly I probed the back of my skull, finding a lump there the size of a hen’s egg. My mouth tasted of ashes. Where the hell was I? At last my double vision began to clear. I was sitting in a hard-backed chair. I appeared to be in a well-appointed study. Across from me on the other side of a heavy mahogany desk sat Dr. Robert J. Murk.
“What…what the hell happened?” I asked, rubbing my neck.
“I sent for you,” said Murk. “I told my men to be ungentle.”
“Christ, you could have asked!” I said.
“I think not. I did it this way because it pleased me, and to prove that I can.”
“What’s to stop me from leaving?” I said, defiant.
“I can kill you eight different ways from this chair without changing my position in the slightest. Do not test me. Besides, even if you did manage to get out the door, you would never leave the house alive. My wife is out there…somewhere.”
I shuddered. Dr. Murk stared at me. Minutes passed. He continued to stare. I felt a bead of sweat roll down my forehead. Still his eyes bored into mine, daring me to move. And then:
“Now,” said Murk, “I shall tell you my tale. And you shall listen. And while you listen to my tale, you will listen to the sweet soundtrack of my life.” He pressed a hidden button, and the room was awash in strains of Midnight Star’s “No Parking on the Dance Floor.” As the song began to play, Murk visibly suppressed a sob. “This song chokes me up every time,” he said, and then began his story.
“I grew up a young boy in the Apennines Mountains of northern Sicily,” said Murk. “My father worked long days as a goatherd, leaving with the flock before the sun crested the horizon and not returning until well after dark, reeking of sheep. Sheep stink. Oh, how they stink.
‘We lived in a lean-to, my father and I, made of sheepskin. We drank unpasteurized goat’s milk and ate goat cheese and gamy mutton. When I got older, I would be expected to tend the flock with my father. My life, in short, revolved around sheep. I am not proud of all the things I have done. I was a lonely boy in a world of sheep. Draw your own conclusions. At last I could bear it no longer. One day I drugged my cruel father with fermented goat’s milk—“
“Are you shitting me?” I asked, incredulous. “I KNOW your father! He’s a great guy! You expect me to believe—“.
“If you speak another word before I am finished, you will die in that chair,” Murk said.
I stopped talking. Murk glared at me for a few seconds, then continued:
“While my father was drugged, I stowed away on a Turkish freighter bound for Valparaiso and left the hated life of a goatherd behind. The crew were mainly Turks and Greeks; strong, virile men with the easy camaraderie of those born to the sea. Such an abundance of swarthy Greek flesh proved too much of a distraction for me, and I never made the trip around Cape Horn. I went ashore in Cuba, where I made a few friends, deposed a government and lived the carefree life of a marlin fisherman for several years.
‘Then, one night while watching “Solid Gold” on American TV, I saw the man who would influence my life more than any other person before or since. I speak, of course, of the great Waylon Flowers, and his lap-puppet, Madame. I marveled at his total domination of the hapless woman, and I realized that if such skill could be learned, there is nothing that could stand in my way of complete control over any who would oppose me. To that end, I traveled the world to exotic locations—Vienna; Nepal; Schenectady, New York— where I learned arcane sciences and how to cloud the minds of men.’
“I will not bore you with the details of how I amassed my great wealth and how I came to own this palatial estate. It is enough for you to know that I have these things, and that you do not.” The door behind me opened, and Murk’s Asian wife entered silently, bearing in her arms a warm, golden and very fragrant apple pie, straight from the oven. “Ah. Here are two more things I have that you do not,” said Murk, as his wife set the pie on his desk and served him a generous slice. It was without question the most beautiful pie I had ever laid eyes on.
On her way out, Mrs. Murk raised her fist as if to strike me. I flinched. She laughed contemptuously and left the room.
Dr. Murk put his face close to the pie, his whiskers brushing the flaky crust, and inhaled the sweet scent of cinnamon and sugared apples. “And now,” he said, “while I enjoy this delicious slice of pie, I will allow you to speak. Just this once, you may ask me about my business, Piper. One question. Ask.”
The obvious question was to ask for the pie, so tantalizingly out of reach, but I knew what the swift answer to that request would be. Instead I asked, “Why is it you never take your hat off?”
Dr. Murk forked a piece of pie into his mouth. He chewed slowly, the look on his face orgasmic. Watching him was torturous, the scent of the pie driving me mad with desire for its golden promise of gustatory bliss. At last, he spoke.
“This delicious pie has put me in a good mood, and so I will answer truthfully. Some think that I cannot doff my hat; that in fact I had the top of my cranium removed surgically and the hat now serves to encompass and protect my enormous brain. In effect, the hat is my skull now. Others think that I am horribly disfigured beneath the hat, much like Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back. Neither one of these theories is true, however. Here is the real reason.”
Murk reached up to his hat band and I heard a slight click. Instantly, the brim of his hat was encircled by a razor-sharp blade. I gasped in wonder. “A Scott Hurst original,” said Murk. “In my hands my hat becomes a flying death Frisbee. I have become quite adept at throwing it. But, like all of Hurst’s blades, it cannot be returned to its sheath (or in this case, my head) until it tastes blood. Removing it is no minor matter. Would you like me to remove it presently?”
“N-no…” I stammered.
“Then you may go." Murk returned his attention to the pie. "Now.”
I got up and hurriedly made my way to the door. “Wait!” Murk called. I looked at him.
“PULL THE STRING! PULL THE STRING!!!” he yelled, spewing flakes of pie crust and pantomiming a sharp pull downward, as if turning off a light. I screamed and fled, his maniacal laughter at my back all the way.
I still hear it in my dreams.
Next week: Angry Veteran and Dr. Mantodea.
Steve Irwin Memorial Post
I am dedicating this post to Steve Irwin. He was a great man who cared about animals and loved childre. Much like Jesus, Steve was nailed to a cross and rose again drom the dead and began converting the sinner stingrays, even though they killed him.
Raise ANOTHER f*cking glass to th king of all kings.
Steve
Irwin
Steve
Irwin
ROCKS!
He could handle any animal on land without fear. A stingray killed him out of jealousy. You anti-Irwin people are sinners and should repent before Irwin comes again and says "Crikey, you're going to hell!"
I love Steve Irwin!!!!!
A Week at WoW!
Or should that be Weak?
Plugs
The New Murk and Malach Show is up! - 9/21
Be saved. Join the Landover Baptist Church. - 9/19
Come on, man, HURRY UP! WE'RE DYING TO HEAR IT! - 9/19
Don't forget to join my new blog!!!! - 9/16
Looking for a new job? - 9/15
BRING IT ON! BRING IT ON! - 9/15
Public Confessions
I have a confession to make. Please read this post. - 9/20
WoWees Fight Club
The general's battle: Choas - 9/20
WoW Admin/Members
Meet Your Figureheads: Malach the Merciless - 9/20
Step right up! Place your bets! Place your bets! - 9/20
Ut Oh... - 9/20
Meet Your Figureheads - 9/20
We have won - 9/19
Return of the Statzi! - 9/19
Dear Wowees - 9/18
I SMELL NERDS!!! - 9/16
Babbling/Incoherrant Babbling/Rants
Dear Dr. Murk, - 9/20
And now some visual treats from your friendly neighborhood ATTENTION WHORE! - 9/19
BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! - 9/19
'Tis the Season - 9/16
Steve Irwin, our hero.
More on Steve Irwin! - 9/20
Steve Irwin... you are my PRIVATE JESUS. - 9/20
I Declare a WoW Holiday - 9/20
Entertainment: TV, Movies, Music, Jokes and spoofs, Etc.
A whole new spectrum of pain! - 9/20
Early Hump Day Joke & A Shameless Plug - 9/19
Two Terrfyingly Cool Bands! - 9/19
For all you LOTR fans! - 9/14
News/Government/Politics
A change in the political landscape of MA? - 9/20
Composite sketch of a woman?!?!? - 9/18
GO VOTE! - 9/18
Don't they have jobs? - 9/18
My vote for Person of the Year: Update! - 9/16
Boycott Survivor on CBS (or, Mark Burnett stars as Hilter in the 1936 Olympics) - 9/14
Sports
Long awaited - 9/19
I'm Tired of Seeing all this Wrestling Shit. - 9/18
Malach's fascination with garbage wrestling. - 9/17
Go Raider Nation!!!! - 9/17
Wikibombs
Roger Ebert - 9/18
Fun with Wiki - 9/17
The Angry Piper pointing out things that are gay, because he is gay.
Cosplay is Gay. - 9/14
The Captain's Observations.
Speaking of racisim... - 9/14
I am Malach and I have a jar with the spirit of JB R in it!
The New Murk and Malach Show is up!
You have been patient, and Murk has delivered.
Show 11 is Real Media and MP3 format. Show 11 is appropriately entitled September 11th. Murk and Malach attempt to make sense of the attacks on September 11th, 2001. Also, a call in from the Angry Piper, the mailbag, a drunken angry Murk (for the last time) and an interview from beyond the grave. This one is long, a shade over 2 hours. It might insult a whole lot of you . . so be warned! In both Real Media and MP3 format.
The Station Night Club Fire.
For those of you unfamiliar with this (if there is anyone), click me. Well the criminal part is resolved in a plea, we will see where civil litigation goes. As of this morning it is a bit of an uproar really. Not to knock the victims of this down, but legally, I don't think the Dederian's would have recieved a harsher sentence from trial, and they might have walked. As an aside, Jeff Derderian (thanks Dr. Jen) used to be a beat reporter for WHDH Channel 7 and WPRI at the time of the incident. I met him once, he is really, REALLY short.
RIP Dr. Phillip Melanson
Phillip Melanson, a professor of mine, and a person who opened my eyes to the great conspiracies of the US government (along with my father), passed away yesterday. I will miss you on the History Channel. If you ever take a visit to the campus of UMASS Dartmouth, take a look at the RFK Assassination archives. Their collection is amazing. Hobb's would have a field day.
I am Malach, and I am Once Bitten Twice Shy.
I have a confession to make. Please read this post.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Ok, ok, I admit it.
I am helpful critic.
Yes, it's me.
Look, I'm an attention whore. I have been my whole life. This is no secret to any one who knows me on or offline. I come from a long line of attention whores. Even my kids are attention whores. And, don't even get me started about my Jewish wife.
I just figured that I could get more and more attention by using two online personalities. Then, I figued that if I pretended to be someone else making fun of this second personality, then... well, that would generate more and more attention.
It's a sickness and I should have known better. For that I am sorry. I want you all to know that I have booked an appointment with my psychiatrist and renewed my prescriptions to Zoloft and Lamictal. I hope this will help with my clear and present addiction for attention.
You darn kids are just too smart for me. Especially you Murk. You figured it out much faster than I thought you would.
I salute your technical investigative skills!
Once again, my sincere apologies to you all.
The general's battle: Choas
Now, this is to look at the 2 generals in this army we call the bucko's.
I of course mean Hojo and I. Now, we will get to the stuff:
Hojo's pro-list:
2nd only to Hobbs in the conspiracy theory department.
Has seemed to have no enemies.
Was appointed to general recently, about (2?) months ago.
Has been in the army for much longer, about (7?) months.
Now for my EGO to be released:
Wiki-bomb creator
Part of Army for 1.5 years
General for 1 year
Alot of enemies as it seems
I'll let the rest of you attack at or cons. I hope Hojo will do the same, but show the respect not to list the cons, unless he so desires.
Post you comments and if you have a rather big comment, make it into a post. It would be great for this to be a semi-event.
I for one have no problem with Hojo, I think of him as a friend,but Malach sparked me with an idea. And if your going to be bias, please express the hate. Make us want to cry from your cruel words. Till next time.....
Meet Your Figureheads: Malach the Merciless
Malach the Merciless burst upon the webcomics world without warning some 3 years ago. Since then, he has insulted and annoyed countless web-surfers. Despite this, he has managed to attract a loyal fanbase. He is the owner of Rubbersuit Studios, and is the creator of Fat Bug, The Wraith, and co-creator of Jesusman! under the Stool Sample Webcomics banner. He is one half of the dynamic web duo of Murk and Malach; together they record a more-or-less monthly podcast at The Third Option Media Network. Malach is also co-founder of the Wand of Wonder, this very blog that you're reading now.
Malach personally owns more music CDs than any one person should have in his home. His most prized possession is his Picasso print. He got his start in broadcasting with the Angry Veteran, years ago, performing public service announcements over a Public Address system. He once almost murdered Dr. Murk with a carelessly fumbled cue ball. All of these stories are true.
But who is Malach, really? What makes him who he is? The following is also a true story. None of the names have been changed. This is the transcription of an event that happened recently as four friends met at Malach's house to pay the reclusive artist a visit.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Mantodea (DM): (entering) Sorry I’m late. Actually, I’m not sorry. You can all go to hell.
Angry Piper (AP): Yeah, whatever. Where the hell is Malach?
Doctor Murk (RJM): He’s in his studio.
Angry Veteran (AV): Studio?
RJM: Yeah. All supposedly great artists have them.
AP: And Malach has one?
AV: Right. This I gotta see.
They approach the studio door.
DM: Let’s have a look inside… Oh, Sweet Jesus! Sweet, merciful God and Baby Jesus! In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Blessed Virgin, Joseph of Arimathea and Mary, Queen of Scots!
AP: What the hell!?
Malach: Oh, hi, guys!
DM: Good Christ! It smells like Godzilla’s ass in here!
AP: Is…is that poo on the walls?
Malach. Uh-huh! I ran out of art supplies. "Stool Sample Webcomics", get it?
AV: Swell. Why the hell are you chained to the wall?
Malach: My wife chained me here, so that I can get inspired. You know, like H.R. Giger and his “black room”.
AV: (aside) Anyone else think she just doesn't like poo in her house?
RJM: Giger. Right. What’s with the diaper? And the newspaper on the floor?
Malach: Sometimes my tummy leaks. (holds out a cartoon torn from the newspaper) Guys, you ever realize just how artistically groundbreaking The Family Circus was? That Bil Keane is a genius! Look! In this one, the whole family’s standing around, and the Dad says, “OK, now which one of you sodomized the dog?” And Billy, Jeffy and Dolly all say “Not Me!” And look! There’s a little “Not Me” ghost running away! Ahahahaha!!! It’s precious! And the art is just amazing!
AV: I never read it.
RJM: The “Not Me” guy looks like Casper. Casper is the ghost of a dead child, likely murdered. By me.
AP: Wow. I just realized the Mom has huge cans.
DM: Christ, you sick bastard, she’s a cartoon!
AP: Just saying. Ugly hair, but a rack that won’t quit.
AV: Well, she’s had 4 kids…
DM: You’re encouraging him. Stop it.
Malach: (to DM) I must paint you! You look like Zorak!
DM: Die.
RJM: You know, this is actually a pretty big space. Could be kinda nice, without the poo. And without Malach.
Malach: I eat paste!
AP: Can we leave now?
AV: Yeah. Let’s get the hell out of here.
RJM: I need a bath.
Malach: Bye, guys! Come visit me again!
AP: Sure thing. Hey-can I, uh… keep this cartoon?
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's all true.
Tomorrow: Dr. Murk.
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