I have had many enemies, not really for legitimate reasons but simply because this is America and I can hate who I damn well please. I would now like to introduce you to one of my mortal enemies. My entire life is dedicated to taking this person down, whether it happens in this life or the next.
Yes, I'm talking, of course, about Alex Trebek. Just look at him. Those beady little eyes, that large forehead, that damn suit that he is never seen without. We have a hell of a problem on our hands.
I watch Jeopardy , or, as I like to call it, "reconnaissance," while doing my homework, and I can't help but notice that this guy's a total dick. He reads out the funny ("funny" is used subjectively, here) little category titles likes he wrote them himself, completely cockblocking the writers who thought up the things. Also, when the contestants fail to answer, he oh-so-smugly tells them the answer with that cheeky little bastard grin of his. I'll bet money that he didn't know the answer. Put down the answer sheet and fight like a man, Trebek.
I love when someone stays on that show long enough to win in about a week more than he makes in a year. Trebek starts to act like a total asshole around them, enviously trying to psyche them out with his forehead of doom. Up yours, Alex.
I have created an organization that I'd like all of you to join. It is called Citizens United Negating Trebek For Life And People's Safety (get it?). When we get big enough, we will start our campaign...
Rise Up and Take Down!
The Alphabet of Manliness
It comes out June 6, 2006, and the top scientists in the world have said it will rock so hard, that 26 different species of animals will die out that day.
Here is a real quote: “So manly that even its sentences don't have periods.”
-Dan Berman
You may be thinking, who could write such a kick-ass book? Well, this has a simple answer:
Maddox
To the left is the cover, and needless to say, it's the sweetest cover ever.
I will buy 5, and have them signed by maddox 7 times each.
Original
The Original Star Trek Theme had lyrics to it. Here (in all of their pathetic glory) they are:
Beyond
The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand'ring in star-flight
I know
He'll find in star-clustered reaches
Love,
Strange love a star woman teaches.
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.
Oh, my heart.
You think... uh, um, well... I think it might be love. I mean, I might be too young, but... Well, let me expand upon that.
There's this girl I really like, everytime I say her name I find myself breathless. Jaime Allen might as well be the name of an angel. We've been sitting back, enjoying each other's company on weekends, in class, and whatever free time she manages to have. There's a pile of books I haven't read, cds still in their wrapping, the PS2's been neglected, and I've lost any knowledge of what's happening in various television shows (Not to mention that the money for all of these things are used for my excursions with her. XP)... And I don't care. At all. I've lost sleep, stayed up hours into the night thinking of her, yet when I see those beautiful eyes staring at me, I'm reinvigorated, amped up, if you will. I've listened to songs on the radio, quoted lyrics, in the hopes of using them for her, but then I realize... None of them are good enough. I need to write something that will capture her perfect visage; I want to learn guitar and write songs about her. It's kind of funny though; around her, I want to be this perfect guy, the epitome of composure and decorum. I try to say things, think intensely about them, I want to be enthralling, I want her to fall in love with me, I want blushes to suffuse her cheeks, the red outlining her porcelain skin. Of course, real life never goes as planned, and I end up saying something extremely dumb, mostly monosyllabic grunts.
But I don't really mind.
If I'm blessed with her giggle, it's music to my ears.
Next plan: stop the shivering when she hugs me. And get that damn Teddy Geiger song out of my head... "I'm going to muster every ounce of confidance I have, and cannonball into the water... For you I will.
^_^"
(Oh yeah, and she's studying with me for our AP Euro exam on Friday... She's super-smart too! God, I'm so excited...)
Las Vegas Style Forum Posts.
Okay, you know what I hate? Well okay, you know that I hate lots of things, but here is something new that I hate; Enormous fucking sig files in forum posts.
Look, snookums, I know you want to advertise your site, or that you found this hilarious animation you just HAVE to show everyone thousands of times over. But reading a forum which allows images in sig files is like trying to read a newspaper with 95% of the space taken up by personals adds. It looks like shit, it’s painful to pick out a single sentence post from a post that has a 100x500 banner add, or dancing hamsters or farting trees in it. And worst of all, it’s really obnoxious to see the exact same banner adds over and over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over again because the same person is posting an online discussion.
I refuse to read forums that allow such high noise to signal crap, I read forums or visit websites as part of my leisure time. You would have to pay me for my time if you want me to slog through a series of posts that look like Wal*Mart puked on the computer screen. You wouldn't watch news, or a talk show that had comercials after each person finished talking, now would you?
And incidentally, my time is worth about $40/hour. Make the check out to Dr. Mantodea. Thank you.
PiMP Party Updates all night long!
At . . .
Dropping My Daily Stool Sample!
I am Malach, more booze now!
Rocking on with the Devil.
That's right, I'm totally on Satan's side here. After an "enlightening" forum discussion, I realized I'm destined to burn in Hell along with gays, minorities, and advocators of liberalism. Confused? Let me elaborate. So, I post a topic about gay marriage, right? You'd think that people, living in this age of political correctness, of self-awareness, would probably be pretty cool with the idea, right? No.
Fuck no.
"It's disguisting because its a sin...thats about the only reason why i don't support it one bit."
"Gay marrage is both sick and wrong, gays can be together yes but not married, its not right, marrage has been between a man and a woman for centrys and should stay like that. Also i have to say its an shame to live in THE ONLY state (massachutts) that allows gay marrage."
"\The bible is a rule book for those who beleive it is and was rased in a christan and relouis family. I for one am so i was tought it is WRONG to be gay or a lesbo!!!"
"I DISLIKE GAYS...GOD WILL PUNISH THEM...but if that's what they want......let them...we can't change the world....it's up to them if they want to change and quit being gay or whatever.....but...I don't think they should allow it at all becuz it's showing God that we don't care about his rules..
So if your gay....stop...smack your gay girl or gay boyfriend...and say.." I DON'T WANNA BE GAY!!...then leave them the heck alone...
Anyway.....all over the world....they should make a law....and it should say You should not be Gay, and never have Gay Marriages...."
"God created Adam and Eve.
Not Adam and Steve!"
Eloquent, no? So when did religion necessarily have to dictate every decision we make in life? How come the most devout followers of religion happen to be the most ignorant? Religion should serve as an influence towards your decisions, not a final authority. Jesus Christ, who's doctrine is based upon faith and compassion, would never condemn a man to Hell based on sexual preference. If God is really against gay marriage, wouldn't he send out a sign? Plauge of locusts, sweeping floods, tulumptuous rainstorms, another successful t.a.t.u. album; nope, no signs at all. Maybe Voltaire WAS right about Deisim.
Oh well, at least I won't be alone when I'm doomed to an eternity of fire and brimstone, want to see more, click the link.
Voice of Reason
Far be it from me to be the voice of reason. I disagree with everyone on the immigration issue.
1. Coming into this counrty illegally is a crime. Do you know what the police in other countries do to people when their papers aren't in order?
2. Speaking of papers, it is not just a matter of "filling out a few papers". I have 4 personal immigration stories. I'll share one. In 1973, my wife was brought over from Viet Nam at the age of 6 months old. She would have been here sooner, but immigration kept fouling up the papers and asking for verification that the (at the time) 2 month old little girl was not an active member of the communist party. Seriously. They helod up the paperwork for a long time. Not nearly as long as my sister in law from Columbia. That's been about 2 years.
3. The illegal immigrants are here now, we can't stop them from getting in, and they're taking jobs, not paying taxes and getting free healthcare somehow. This isn't Wal Mart and we cant just return them for cash or exchange them. We need to make use of them.
Here's my idea.
If you enter this country to work, you are issued a 3 year work visa. You work for the government under government supervision doing public works stuff, like highway cleaning, city beautification, sewer maintenance and other menial labor for a per diem and government housing, with liquor stores and gun shops on every corner...
Wait, nevermind. I think this is already being done by Tropicana.
But seriously.
There is no way to close the borders at this point and no way to relocate all of these illegal immigrants. We are vulnerable to terrorist infiltration and cheap labor forcing our own citizens out of jobs. Juts watch reruns of friends and shut the fuck up until we have another 911 or an economic collapse.
In other words, enjoy life and let the immigrants bitch. I have what I want and let's see them come get it if they can. BUT, lets neither side of the aisle propose stupid plans like automatic citizenship or deporting everyone. I'm not paying for that.
Murk
Vampires Suck
I hate them. they are like a goth that turns into a bat. They are almost as bad as emo's. we will get back to emos at a later time.
First off, they turn into bats. that's like the worst thing to turn into. The only thing they can do is fly and suck some more. And they suck blood. That's how they kill, sucking someones neck.
Let's compare Vampires to a much better creature of the night, Werewolves.
How To Become One:
Vampires: Have one bite you and suck some blood. try not to let them suck all of it.
Werewolves: Have a werewolve bite you, and hope he just dosen't eat you.
When the Prowl and who they hunt:
Vampires: They come out at night only and they hunt mostly women, but the aren't really that picky.
Werewolves: They only come out on a full moon once a month, but when they do, they eat everything. animals, people, buildings, whatever.
What will happen if they fought:
The vampire wouldn't show. pussies. but if he did come, he would do the gay bat thing, and try to get behing him, and bite him. When the werewolves gets him, it's all over. The vampire will be mauled and be eaten. Vampires may be smarter, but that will only work if there is many of them. 1 on1, the werewolve would kill it.
That's enough of why vampires really do suck, and it's not blood that they suck, it's cold, hard, cock.
Immigrant Problem Solved
Look, there's been a whole lot a doings a transpiring about the illegal immigrant situation. Well, I got a solution. Next time there's a rally, we send the Bureau of Immigration and Customs Enforcement to the rally. We either catch 'em all, or drive 'em bag under ground where they will continue to do thankless jobs for little to no pay. And then the world will be in its proper balance.
Failing that, we can just start shooting and let God sort 'em out.
Malach has done it again.
Malach the Master of Search Engine Optimization.
So, WoW is only showing up on a MSN Search right now. Which is itself pretty amazing to have the top spot considering the site is only a week old. Malach is famous for making site names that link to fetish/porn (not intentionally by the way no matter what the Angry Veteran says). For example, my websites RubberSuit Studios, and Stool Sample Webcomics, get constant hits for latex fetishes, and fecal matter; neither site has anything to so with those. Add my most popular webcomic JesusMan! to the mix, and you should see how many search hits I get for the phrase "rubbersuit wearing jesus stool sex" (the third link is my personal blog) or a combination of something to that effect. So now to "wand of wonder".
Type it into a google search, and you get these results (this blog should come up on the first page next week). So let's see, the first few links are some Dungeons and Dragons sites and most of the rest are for the Wonder Wand Vibrator (I did not know Hitachi made sex toys). Ahh we should get some interesting visitors here, especially after the spiders hit this post.
Interestingly enough, there is also a "vacuum cleaner attachment" called the Wonder Wand . So have any of the fellas tried this one out?
PiMP Party.
This is a repost from my blog, but I figured you buckos might want to know this:
This Saturday, the PiMP Party!
At Malach's House! Not only will it be a large party! We will be filing the Crap Vacuum video for Master's of Crap! Meet all you favorite D-List Internet celebrities, Malach, Dr. Murk, Mr. Rubbersuitman, The Angry Piper, Tremendous Brunette, *Jennifer*, ~*Steph*~, Ken, Betty Number One, Hard to Quit me, Kim, Darren, Russel the Love Mussel, and whomever else stumbles in. Seriously, if you want to come, RSVP me. Saturday baby!
See you there?
Stupid Malach.
Accidently deleted the file that contained the forums for this site. Malach uses GoDaddy for all his and his clients hosting needs. I LOVE GoDaddy. Why? Value is awesome, not ony cheap, they give you all sorts of stuff. Customer service is also top notch. Well Malach figured he contact GoDaddy and see if they can recover the file . . . sure they can, but they charge a flat fee of $150. Yeah. Needless I did not use that service; I have yet to decide what to do with the forums. I will probably spend the time, rebuilding it, which will be a huge pain in the ass. GoDaddy, I love you, but your killing me.
I am Malach, the SEO King!
Changing History
Headaches
They're just as worse as migranes if they last for a 10 days and make you feel all funny inside.
Snopes.com: Urban Legends Reference Pages
If you are like me, well, even if you are nothing like me, you are constantly receiving emails that have dubious credibility.
Whenever I receive a forwarded email that contains a story (gang members will shoot me if I flash my headlights) or claims to provide me with valuable information (Microsoft will send me money for forwarding this email) - I always check in with my friends at Snopes.
As a public service, I provide the link to all of you. I wholeheartedly recommend it for your review and addition to your bookmarks. I know you will enjoy being able confirm that Lee Marvin is, in fact, interred at Arlington National Cemetery, but that Mr. Rogers was not a sniper for the Navy SEALs during the Vietnam War.
Visit the Reference Pages at:
http://www.snopes.com/snopes.asp
MySpace Girl Fight Club
THE FIRST RULE about MySpace Girl Fight Club is that you don't talk about the MySpace Girl Fight Club.
THE SECOND RULE about MySpace Girl Fight Club is that you have the fight during daylight hours in the middle of the road.
THE THIRD RULE about MySpace Girl Fight Club is that your mom should just stand by the fight and allow it to continue.
THE FOURTH RULE about MySpace Girl Fight Club is that you must post the fight on the internet and allow easy access to school and law enforcement authorities.
THE FIFTH RULE about MySpace Girl Fight Club is that the Media must, on one hand, tell us how awful it is, but on the other hand, give it much more exposure than it would have ever gotten on MySpace alone.
THE SIXTH RULE about MySpace Girl Fight club is that you don't talk about the MySpace Girl Fight Club.
Teenagers
Now remember that little "Every 15 Minutes" thing I talked about? Well, we had an assembly today. And I got to say that teenagers are scum (Myself being one). Now why do I say this? Well we had guess speakers who were affected by a drunk driving accident. And the most amazing thing (or maybe not that amazing) happened....Most of the students didn't give a damn. The people behind me giggled and said that they take drugs and drink too a nothing bad happens to them! What the hell is wrong with these people? Do they not have one ounce of emotions? Or is just their self-esteem is a steaming pile of shit?!?! But wait, there's more! MORE! The people sitting in front of us were actually cracking jokes about being drunk and even laughed at some of the speeches...That were extremely sad at best. Also a majority of people were clapping at the most inappropriate times. Oh and the screamed when the gym went dim...Who the hell screams when the lights slowly goes out? Sadly this was technically at least 75 - 80% Of the school...I'll leave that statistic their. When a teacher shuts them up they just giggle, quietly of course. I mean what happened to morale values? Is today's kids so stupid that they can't shut up when they need to? Or do they just do as the please? One day, I'm going to walk into a fastfood restaurant and order a goddamn burger from those idiots....Pardon the French of course.
Bill Gates is a failure, and I'll tell you why;
Here we have the consummate geek, a total nerdy computer guy. Hell, he is the archetype for the computer nerd. He makes some good, if ruthless, choices and ends up being one of the richest men ever to live on the face of the earth. He has more personal fortune than many corporations and even a few countries.
And he doesn't have a personal submarine-yacht or a personal zeppelin.
William; What. The. Fuck?
What kind of geek are you? You work 75 hours a week, take no vacation to speak of, and otherwise work like a megalomaniac dog, (just like, say... Lex Luthor), and yet you do not have a personal submersible yacht or a dirigible. Yeah, sure, you probably have a few cars and I heard your mansion is kinda cool, and I'm sure you have a private jet but that's all shit any successful real estate tycoon, football player or Don King would have. None of that has any geek cred at all.
And please don't try defending him with "Well, maybe he does have one and hasn't told anyone." The guy is a geek, and one thing ALL geeks love to do is show off their toys to rub in the face of other geeks who don't have them. So, you know he doesn't have either, and because of that; Bill, You suck, dude, you really suck.
Immigration Reform: What does God Think?
Quoted from Here:
"MEXICO CITY - Five Mexican children were killed when a large metal cross they were praying at was struck by lightning in central Mexico, local media reported Monday.
Five children between 9 and 16 years old died and several others suffered burns when lightning struck a white-painted metal cross set on a hill in the town of Santa Maria del Rio early on Sunday, according to two newspaper reports.
“The lightning went straight into them and killed them instantly,” local Red Cross chief Eduardo Suarez told the daily El Norte.
Officials in the state of San Luis Potosi were not immediately available to confirm the report, also in the newspaper El Universal.
A photo showed charring on the cross’s turquoise-painted cement base, although the cross was still standing.
Several families had been participating in a midnight ceremony as part of a local religious festival that centers around the cross.
Santa Maria del Rio calls itself the “cradle of the shawl” for the traditional silk shawls that artisans have woven there since pre-Hispanic times."
Apparently that whole "President Bush talking to God" thing is really paying off for Mr. W.
Every 15 Minutes
You know that statistic that says every 15 minutes someone is killed by a drunk driver? Well we had an assembly recreating an accident after a drunk driver hits a car. Now while informative at best.....It was really, really "weird". First to recreate the effect, they had the area smell of booze, pretty strong booze. Now is it all that smart to have the whole scene smell of that crap? Though the effects of the injuries look nice they had to show the Grim Reaper.....Would've been better without the man in black. Now the whole spectacle was fun but the physics of it sucks. Frankly when someone flies out of a car window they don't land on their back they land face first. And the point of impact is just ridiculous. Hitting that car at that particular diagonal angle and having the cars extremely far apart was just ridiculous also. However....I did like it when they brought out the jaws of life. Am I a monster for criticizing it? Maybe, but at least they should have got the physics of it right.
The Downhill Slide
It's a slippery slope to full-blown alcoholism, and I feel like I just put on a pair of greased rollerblades.
Last week, my bill at the liquor store was $44.47. Sweet, merciful crap.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, The Angry Piper did not drink at all. Not a drop. This was mainly due to a rather unfortunate experience I had in high school. One crazy New Year's eve I drank way too much of way too many different things with predictable results. That night (1/1/1988), well after the ball dropped, I threw up all over my best friend's bathroom, including (but not limited to) his counter, sink, toilet, floor, and worst of all: his toothbrushes. I wasn't in any hurry to drink again, and for 12 years I didn't.
(Incidentally, this episode was only the second time in my life I drank alcohol. My then-best "friend" would later go on to fuck my then-girlfriend, so I guess there's such a thing as pre-emptive revenge.)
A couple of years ago I started drinking beer, because I discovered I like beer. A lot. Prior to that, I thought beer = shit like Budweiser and Miller Lite. A few Guinness, Harp, and Bass later, I knew different. I’ve also developed a taste for full-bodied red wine (kinda goes with my taste for full-bodied women, although I haven’t enjoyed both together in a long, long, LONG fucking time.). I really enjoy Australian red wines like Yellowtail, Kelly’s Revenge, and The Little Penguin. My preferred red is Shiraz, although I like Merlot and Cabernet too. I stick to the $8-$10 range for a bottle of wine; if this makes me a wine Philistine, so be it. My palate isn’t sophisticated enough to tell the difference between a $40 bottle and an $8 bottle, and last I checked, 8 goes into 40 FIVE times.
Up until now, I’ve always taken some measure of security from the fact that I can’t stomach hard liquor. It’s not that I can’t drink it; it’s that I don’t like it. I think tequila is the single most disgusting drink ever created. I don’t like vodka, liqueurs or brandy. I hate the taste of whiskey and scotch, so I can’t pound the Manhattans like Dr. Murk and Mr. Tooserious.
But here’s the problem: I recently discovered I like martinis. I’m not talking TGIFriday’s “Appletinis”, chocolate martinis, cosmopolitans, or any lame martini derivative. The martinis I like are dry and dirty: lots of gin, a splash of vermouth, and a generous helping of olives and olive brine to salt things up a little—the kind of martini that makes your breath smell like jet fuel.
A few weeks ago Dr. Murk, Mr. Tooserious and I went to see Gaelic Storm at a local restaurant function room. Not the best venue to see Gaelic Storm, but it was a benefit concert and they’re so fucking good I’ll see them wherever I can. I planned on guzzling down the pints while I was there, but the layout of the room and the venue made such an endeavor difficult as a trip to the bar meant fighting my way through a crowd of bluehairs—not something I really wanted to do. I got a martini to drink with my pints so that further trips to the bar would be unnecessary. I finished it much quicker than I thought I would and paid a cocktail waitress to get me another one.
Turns out a martini has a much higher alcohol content than a beer. Who knew?
Contrary to popular belief— a belief perpetuated by Malach— The Angry Piper is not often drunk. My tolerance is quite high—or so I thought. I didn’t feel the effects of my drinks until I “came down,” i.e. stopped singing, doing the funky ceili and shaking my groove thing. When the adrenaline wore off, I realized I was much drunker than I had been in a long time, and I wondered if Gaelic Storm’s left-handed piper—a rarity— was a figment of my imagination. Of course, 2 martinis and 5 pints of Smithwick’s will have that effect.
And so last week I felt a twinge of concern when I spent over 40 bucks at the packie, but it’s the first time I’ve ever bought hard liquor—gin and vermouth—as well as wine.
Those of you concerned for my liver need not worry—at least not yet. I rarely drink to debilitating excess and when I do—as I did in the night above—I find a ride home. I have never drunk myself to “overnight guest” status unless it was planned. I don’t drink to forget, drink in the morning or drink alone in the dark. I haven’t been sick from the drink since I was 16. You won’t be calling me “The Jaundiced Piper” anytime soon.
Still, gin is hard liquor, and no one made me buy it. I feel like I crossed an invisible line, and try as I might, I can’t feel 100% ok with it.
Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's
Today, April 25th, is free cone day. Thanks to my co-workers for alerting me before lunch. I pass the love onto you, my WoW brothers and sisters.
http://www.benjerry.com/index.cfm
Speaking of Delusional: The U.S. Consumer
"DETROIT (Reuters) - U.S. consumers bought vehicles with big, gas-guzzling engines at an unchanged rate in the first three months of the year despite rising gas prices, according to a survey released on Monday.
In the first quarter, about 25 percent of all new vehicles sold in the United States were equipped with eight- cylinder engines, according to sales trends analyzed by the Power Information Network, a data tracking service of consulting firm J.D. Power and Associates."
Consumers, it appears, are still purchasing 8 cylinder engines for their commute. Gas prices are going to continue to rise until people start making different purchasing decisions; that is, they will rise to "whatever the market will bear." It seems the U.S. Consumer is under the delusion that they can continue their same behaviors (purchase V8's), but that somehow oil companies will change their behaviors (raising prices).
Supply and demand folks. Enjoy the $4 gas this summer.
Malach's Favorite Delusional People Part The First
Ah Delusion . .
Malach loves delusion, and especially loves people who are so delusional, they live in their own world, but still operate in ours. That rocks.
Delusion is defined as:
delusion
de·lu·sion (plural de·lu·sions)
noun
Definitions:
1. false belief: a persistent false belief held in the face of strong contradictory evidence, especially as a symptom of a psychiatric condition
2. mistaken notion: a false or mistaken belief or idea about something
The following list is in no particular order, and I am going to try to avoid getting to political with this first list . . .
TomKat
Now, Mr. Cruise to begin with, very delusional. Belief in Scientology that's also a bit delusional. Now add star struck, brainwashed Katie Holmes, and little Suri into the mix, you got Delusion Central. We all know Tom, no basis in reality there (we won't even get into the coming out of the closet stuff), and throw in the teachings of Papa Delusion L.Ron Hubbard. You thought his marraige to the Amazon Nicole Kidman was fun, this time, at least by claim, he actually has a genetic child (Imagine if you will, Suri Cruise at 18, she'll make Paris Hilton look normal). And then we have soon to be Mrs. Tom Cruise . . . Worshiped him as a teen, converted to Scientology, follows him around like a puppy dog . . . Yes Tom, yes, I need my Thetan audited . . I won't make a sound when I give birth . . . yes send the baby away, we don't need to bond with it. Your such a good dad, changing diapers and all. So much fun to watch.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 
The President of Iran . . . let's see. The Holocuast is all a trick by the West to give sympathy for the Jews; Israel needs to be wiped off the map; you'll be sorry if you give me sanctions; what, we can't explore nuclear technology? What speak up I can't here you? To top it off this guy controls the 4th largest oil producer in the world, and has the capabilty to reach Isreal with missles . . . and Israel ain't wrapped to tight either. I always find these psuedo-despots entertaining, trying to balance a fundamentalist religious ideal (which he really doesn't care about) with trying to be a supposed top teir country.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
Malach hates to pick on my Muslim brothers (there goes the price on my head), but the former Iraqi Iformation Minister is a cult hero to me. The type of publicity agent he could be, for the likes of TomKat! He could stand in the middle of Bagdhad with bombs falling all in the background, with US troops dragging Saddam Hussein away, and he would be all "My fellow Iraqis, we are winning the war, Americans lie dead in the street, their blood filling the gutters, stay strong". I believe you . . . where is he now? I miss him. And did you notice, he was so good, he did not need that Saddam mustache like everyone else. Imagine if you will, al-Sahaf, Iranian Infromation minister . . . huh, can you say Reality TV top show!
Dwayne Johnson/The Rock. 
Now Malach hasn't been a fan of Wrasslin' for about 8 years, but when he was, he loved the Rock. And not the fan favorite Rock, the Rock, back when people hated him. To be a pro wrestler you have to be a bit delusional to begin with, but The Rock took it to an extreme. Taking the best stuff from Ric Flair, and turning it up 10 notches, The Rock was so delusional, from his attempts to be Elvis, to his elbow drop, "People's Elbow finishing move, The Rock was entertaining. . . in a most delusional sort of way.
Stan Lee
Ahh Stan 'The Man' Lee. No one can deny your influence on comic books, culture, fashion, and business. But he has become a comic book character himself. He is like Superman with Alzheimers. I half expect the next interview I see with him for him to be dressed in tights and a cape, and then jump off a building . . . . .'nuff said.
Rev. Al Sharpton 
First, and this is more incidental . . any black man who thinks their hair looks good modeled after Ronald Reagan is delusional. And his hair is better than it was in the 80's. The Reverend (of what) and for the most part Jesse Jackson, are there if you are black, if you have been "wronged by the man". That's great, but they have gotten behind so many causes that were faked, they lost their credibility long ago. Can you say Tawana Brawley? I love Al when he runs for president. The debates are so much fun.
TO
Terrel Owens. Perhaps the most talented wide reciever to ever play in the NFL. No touch on reality. Now a Cowboy, joining the most delusional team in football. Bledsoe, the Tuna, Vanderjerk, and now TO. Gonna be fun to watch this implosion.
Jacko. 
This ones to easy, but this guy been out of touch with reality since the age of 8. Do I even have to list it all? The plastic surgery, the marriages, the moving to Bharain of all place, Blanket, Neverland Ranch, SLUMBER PARTIES! It is going to be interesting to see his downward spiral, as he losed more money, and sell few albums. It's a Thriller.
Lindsey Lohan.
Wow . . anyone remember Dana Plato? Or perhaps the teenage Drew Barrymore? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Thus ends Malach's first list of his favorite delusional people. I am sure another will follow . . .
I am Malach, and I am delusional.
Frank Miller
Crazy psychotic comicbook writer/artist or tortured and misunderstood soul?
Rainy Days
Stop Tom Cruise
A new blog worth taking a look at: http://www.stoptomcruise.blogspot.com/
In addition, I ask everyone to go see any other movie besides Mi3 on May 5th. Perhaps we could all agree to support one other movie in particular to ensure that Mi3 does not open in first place.
Ideas?
Ah, the inventions of the future!
rough commute?
gotta cold?
good beer, but i have to pee....
excellent!The Petition on MySpace
FIRST ~ Read Mal's juicy snid-bit below before you continue here. THEN read the comments. That way, I can make sure this post will make sense to you.
The following is from my MySpace bulletin:
I received the following petition on my bulletin and found some humor in this. So I'm going to post the original petition as well as my comments regarding it.
PETITION:
"This petition is to request that Tom add "Pagan" as an option for religion in the MySpace profiles. The choice of "Other" is quite demeaning as Paganism is becoming more and more socially acceptable.
Pagan in this sense is considered as, but not limited to, Asatruar, Wiccan, Shaman, Egyptian, et al. Pagan is by definition all religions other than those based in Christianity, Judaism, and/or Islamic beliefs.
Please add your user name (real name if preferred) to the list if you would like to have Pagan added as an option.
Thank you for your time."
[my] RESPONSE:
FYI......
Pagan means literally [when translated from latin] "country dweller" and was coined to be demeaning by the urban Christian faith in the early part of the fifth century to undermine those who live in rural areas for not joining the larger populated area's churches. It was a plot to get more church go'ers and to keep urban followers.
Shaman in Siberian means "he/she who knows" or in Chinese, (sha men) "Buddhist monk". Shamanism isn't just a religion, though. It's a way of life. Shamans are doctors, psychologists, interpreters of spiritual messages and above all else, spirit walkers for their tribes. Their role in their society is far greater then just being "pagan". Besides, you wouldn't call being an ObGyn, Dentist, or Herbologist a religion would you?
The ancient and modern Egyptian religion has several fractions in which case Tom/MySpace would need to add those traditions as well. For instance, someone who is part of the Golden Dawn (which uses parts of the ancient Egyptian pantheon) may not like having to put themselves as a Rosicrucian. Or a person who is a member of the Kemetic Orthodox Church (which uses nothing but the anciant Egyptian scribes for practice) having to put themselves down as Pagan would probably be an absolute insult since they aren't Pagan at all per the Kemetic Orthodox Church.
And another FYI...
Many Asatruers prefer the term "Heathen" to "Neopagan" or "Pagan" and look upon their tradition as "not just a branch on the Neopagan tree" but as a separate tree altogether. The reconstruction of Asatru has been based on the surviving historical records and its followers have maintained it as closely as possible to the original religion of the Norse people.
Further more, Wicca IS on the MySpace list of choices along with the following:
Agnostic
Atheist
Buddhist
Catholic
Christian - Other
Hindu
Jewish
Mormon
Muslim
Protestant
Other
Taoist
Scientology
I'd say that Tom [MySpace] covered a lot of ground when considering religious affiliations for his list. It isn't his fault that anyone feel they do not fit into any of them.
I'm against religious ignorance, prejudice, intolerance, hypocrisy and generalizations. To me, that petition is an insult to MY faith. What if I were a Shiite? What if I'm a Satanist? You can't lump those two into a "Pagan" catagory. What if I'm an Alchemist? What if.....my faith doesn't even have a name? I don't see Evengalists on that list. That would give them the right to petition. Or Baptists. Or the 7th Day Adventists..... and the author of that would throw a damn fit if she saw some Christian group petitioning for a title.
Someone stop me before I throw something.....................
MySpace . . . Tool of the Devil, or Socialization of the Future?
Malach's MySpace experiment.
I am sure most of you are familiar with MySpace. Now I am not going to go on a tirade about the evils of MySpace, the predators there, and the overall stupidness of socializing via MySpace, what I am going to talk about is Malach's MySpace experiment. First, this is my MySpace, some of our other contibuters also have a MySpace account. Malach's wife even has a MySpace. But enough of that.
What's good?
Well first if you have anything on the web you want people to see, put up a MySpace Account, why? Hits, Baby, and I have yet to find a better site that gets you this kind of traffic. My site has over 150,000 hits alone from MySpace, and I have only had a MySpace account since December, this is by about 50,000 the site I get the most hits from ALL TIME.
Second, do you know how easy it is to advertise there? Beyond putting up all the linkable banners? They have a few features I use on a regular basis. Bulletins. Bulletins are messages you can send to everyone in you friend network, in Malach's case that is 493+ friends. In turn, my friends can repost the bulletin to all their friends. MySpace has 7 million users.
I also get more "fans" contact me via MySpace, than I do via e-mail and forums combined. I was surprised, now I wonder what would happen if I ever use my IM. Now, you all realize Malach doesn't turn away any friend requests, which to me is just more people visit the site.
Also, and this is something I just recently tapped into is the school listings. For example, Malach's high school. Not only can I tap into people I haven't seen or talked to in years, like my nude fitness model friend (we had a nice MySpace convo the other day, I went to Catholic Grade School and High School with Nikki), but I can leave a bulletin for all the Stang Bangers I want.
Interestingly, it is a very easy way to download music and discover new bands, and any band whose out there has a MySpace account.
What's Bad?
Well, beyond the child molesters, and sexual predators (and trust me, there are a lot of horny idiot male and female there), there are a few annoying things. MySpace whores, and there are a lot of them. Don't get me wrong, their fine, when they are whoring you out, but they are annoying the rest of the time. What is a MySpace Whore you ask? Take a look. Basically, they just want as many friends as they can get by any means possible, and they send very annoying bulletins.
What else, I also find it very weird the people who do a large chunk of their socialization via MySpace (or for that matter, IM's). The conversations always seem pretty ultra vapid. Perhaps I am just an old fogey though.
What Kind of People MySpace?
I was surprised, that is was not all annoying teens. Now granted, these people could theoreticall be anyone, but it is interesting:
Political Activists
Occultists
Transvestites
Mind Expanders
Other Webcomic Artist (Man Love in the house)
Old Ladies
Fuggin's Cool Ass Underground Rappers
The Devil Himslef
Person just out of Mental Institutions
People with God Complexes.
Pro Wrestlers/Actors
Conspiracy Theorists
Sluts
Former Presidents
Man Whores
And I guess I could go on and on.
Summation?
I don't really have one, or perhaps I do. You got a website? Shit to sell? Want to get noticed? Join MySpace. If you kids are on MySpace, watch 'em like big brother.
I am Malach and you want to go w4w? Contact me. (Only MySpace People will get that).
Comic Books
Recently Marvel Comics have made the Young Avengers (Pictured)
All I can say is what the fuck? Are they getting so desperate that they have to ripoff DC comics and vice versa? I mean what happened to the good old days when publishers actually made original ideas. I mean sure Captain Marvel wasn't original, it was a blatant rip-off of Superman but at least they didn't go as far as ripping off a whole team of Superheros! Sure the JLA was a ripoff of the JSA, but that was under DC comics themselves. Because the JSA hasn't been used in such a long time they wanted to make a time for their modern heroes. Plus the JSA did return indeed! Such a shame in the comic industry today....FIGHT THE POWER AND BUY BONE!!!!
Price check on the...uh...
My mom was shopping at Goodwill (a non-profit thrift store, for those who have none locally) recently, and she came across the most horrific creation ever known to man. Even more terrifying than the fact that some sicko would think poor kids would want to play with this is that my mom actually paid money for it.
Yes, someone ripped the head off of a clown doll and created a new body for it out of yarn that smells like several cats with an addiction to cigarettes. If anyone ever needs an argument against genetic research, I want to be cited and linked directly.
If you look closely, you'll see that the hat is secured to the Face of Evil by a dissecting pin. Even scarier than a transplanted clown head is a hat bolted down to a transplanted clown head by a needle that has been inside countless dead or living creatures (probably clowns, given this person's track record). The maker was probably hoping to transmit tetanus to whichever deranged little kid begged their parents to buy this for them during a normal afternoon shopping trip.
Against my better judgment, I keep this thing where it can view me while I sleep. I have no problem waking up, though, because who the hell needs coffee when you wake up to see this...thing staring you down? Don't worry, though, I make sure to kiss it every night to appease the sick bastard that crafted this soulless stalker.
Beef: It's what's for dinner.
But what if it's not what's for dinner?Have you ever thought of that?
I mean, have you ever really thought of that?
Hmmm? Hmmm? Have you?
Geez... I think I just blew my own mind.
George W. Bush
Now everyone here knows a man by George W. Bush right? If not, then piss off....or stay we love comments (I think). Lately he has been making major mistakes, like living for one. But why live? Why be president? I'll tell you why, he's a robot in disguise! Sent by the evil Decepticon leader Megatron he has come here to weaken the world's defenses! And by not agreeing to the terms of the Kyoto Protocol he has helped contribute to weakening the world's ozone. Thus causing global warming which will flood the Earth and make it possible for Megatron and his cronies to dominate Earth and call it new Cybertron! Only you, the people can stop this from happening....TODAY!!!
Zen Buddhism will cut you down to size
"The realm of reality is as vast as cosmic space; it is the knowing mind of sentient beings that is small. Just as long as you do not become egotistic and selfish, you will be ever sated with the spiritual food of nirvana."
-Pao-chih
Welcome to WOW
It's Official and Open.
Yes, the Wand of Wonder or WOW is now open to the public. Sign up for our feed, add us to your favorites, to del.icio.us, add our link to your blog, post us in forums, subscribe to us via e-mail, one thing we can guarantee, we will entertain you.
What is WOW?
Those of you in the know, will immediately recognize what a "Wand of Wonder" is . . . it is Malach's favorite magic item . . . oh, just take a look. And that sums up the goal of WOW. It is a blog, of multiple persons, personalities, and ideas; you'll never really know what you get.
WOW is the brainchild of Malach, Murk and a number of our associates. We thought we would put together a blog, and invite interesting people to be contributers. There are, beyond the 8 contributers, 20 or so others that have been invited (HEY PIPER, I SENT IT TOO THE ANGRY PIPER E-MAIL. Idiot). They are only under a few simple instructions. Post something cognizant, it does not have to be intelligent, or even be particularly informational, but make it entertaining, insightful, annoying, funny, angering, what ever. And it is all for you. One poster might post something about Scientology being the religion of the future, while another might post things about the world ending in 2012, some might post stories, pictures, or jokes. Left Wing, Right Wing, whatever, s'all good. Some might post personal things, and you can respond to it. Have fun.
How can I join WOW?
You think your up to it? Contact me or Murk, send us some examples of your work. We'll decide.
Feel free to comment.
Here or in the WOW forums, located at Minimum Security.
The Legal Stuff.
WOW is brought to you by, and whole owned and operated via the Third Option Media Network (TOM)and convered under the copyrights of TOM. Individual contributers to WOW retain all rights to their personal work and posts. Use of the writing here can be used only with permission of the author and TOM. You like something here, just link over.
Advertising here.
Is possible, please contact Malach or Murk.
So . .
Post and have fun, we are open for business.
I am Malach and I wear many hats.
Nutty Shit
"CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Utility workers trying to blast out a grease clog from a sewer line forced 3,000 gallons of raw sewage into a couple's home, forcing them to abandon their house while hoping that the city makes good on a promise to clean up and repair the damage." (AP)
It's like the Exorcist, only it's THREE THOUSAND GALLONS OF SHIT.
Subscribe
As you can see to the left WOW, now has an RSS Feed, and a e-mail subscription. Now we can be with you always. We're gonna make you idiots famous!
On Spelling Etc...
This blog is not intended to be a Language Arts class. If someone has a typo or error and you know what they mean, read it, accept it and move on. The only time one should correct a spelling or grammar error is when they need clarification, not to flaunt their superior grasp of the written word. This is not the spelling bee blog.
Myspace.com predator saves the day
So, you all heard about the Myspace.com post that led to a "Columbine" being averted. Part of the CNN story says:
"But Riverton school district Superintendent David Walters said the significance of the threat did not become clear until Wednesday night, after a woman in North Carolina who had chatted with one of the suspects on MySpace.com notified authorities there would be about a dozen potential victims, at least one of them a staff member."
My question is: why was a grown woman in North Carolina "chatting" with a boy in Kansas?
My next question: if I use the phrase "Myspace.com" several times in this post, will it be seen by thousands of pedophiles and other sexual predators?
My follow-up question: President Bush, will you use the power of Myspace.com to stop the evil Chinese President from persecuting the Falun Gong? I mean, I think that's what she was trying to scream from the press stand.
Angry Piper has yet another website
While he won't admit his identity - as no ninja would - this is certainly our friend the Piper.
http://www.askaninja.com/
Repeat and Rinse
For new WOW contributers
Repeated to keep it at the top!
Welcome to those of you who have accepted invitations to the Wand on Wonder Blog! This blog is going to be run by myself and Dr. Murk so you may contact us at anytime with questions or requests. If you would like links added, please send them to me. This blog is not yet "official", while live, it has yet to be linked to and promoted, give another week to annouce it before you start telling others and posting.
What is WOW. WOW is a free for all blog, post anything you want, at anytime. Any subject, any rant, any video, any photo, any image, what ever. What to talk about how much you love Jesus? Be our guest. Want to tell us the Bush Administation orchestrated 911? Go for it. The only limits are what me and Murk, delete, and as of right now, that would only be hardcore porn. We also ask that you post be something cogniscient, that is something people will be able to read enjoy, they don't have to be intelligent, they could be babbling or even incoherrant babbling, but make something we can laugh at, get mad at, or comment on.
This will be an ongoing experiment so enjoy. Example, Murks post below is a piece of shit and would be something normally deleted. Enjoy! If you have anyone else, (Blogger or non blogger) you feel would add to this blog, please send their email to me or Murk.
I am Malach the King of the Internet.
Adding to the giddy nonsense
I wanted to be one of the lame-asses who got her rocks off on the newness of WOW. Now that I've done this, I think I can move on to something a tad bit more intelligent.
Or not.
cog·ni·zant ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kgn-znt)
adj.
Fully informed; conscious. See Synonyms at aware.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: The last time Dr. Murk was fully cognizant was when I kicked him in the balls.
Welcome New Contributers to WOW.
Welcome to those of you who have accepted invitations to the Wand on Wonder Blog! This blog is going to be run by myself and Dr. Murk so you may contact us at anytime with questions or requests. If you would like links added, please send them to me. This blog is not yet "official", while live, it has yet to be linked to and promoted, give another week to annouce it before you start telling others and posting.
What is WOW. WOW is a free for all blog, post anything you want, at anytime. Any subject, any rant, any video, any photo, any image, what ever. What to talk about how much you love Jesus? Be our guest. Want to tell us the Bush Administation orchestrated 911? Go for it. The only limits are what me and Murk, delete, and as of right now, that would only be hardcore porn. We also ask that you post be something cogniscient, that is something people will be able to read enjoy, they don't have to be intelligent, they could be babbling or even incoherrant babbling, but make something we can laugh at, get mad at, or comment on. This will be an ongoing experiment so enjoy. Example, Murks post below is a piece of shit and would be something normally deleted. Enjoy!
If you have anyone else, (Blogger or non blogger) you feel would add to this blog, please send their email to me or Murk.
I am Malach the King of the Internet.