10 Things I Did Do Today

Sunday, December 30, 2007

1.Masterbated in the shower while thinking of Tequila masterbating in the shower.
2.Made some red hot cinnamon scented candles.
3.Cleaned the crappers.
4.Farted half a dozen times.
5.Blog surfed.
6.Made some homemade veggie beef soup.
7.Initiated the new mattress.(wink)
8.Took all of my meds on time.
9.Sang along to some Celine Dion songs.
10.Played with my youngest sons Optimus Prime helmet.

Ten Things the San Francisco Zoo staff will do today

Friday, December 28, 2007

1. Stop old feeding program of only allowing tigers to eat after they have successfully attacked a lifelike human effigy.

2. Finally get around to putting tigers in actual tiger grotto, not keep them in old penguin grotto anymore.

3. Stop taking the shady contractors word for how tall walls are.

4. Purchase measuring tapes.

5. Borrow luminol from SFPD, see if there are any other blood trails we should now about.

6. Start new public education campaign: "Don't taunt the tigers."

7. Cancel old advertising campaign: "Bet you're not brave enough to put your leg in the tiger grotto."

8. Cancel Tatiana's scheduled performance on Letterman's "Stupid Animal Tricks."

9. Stop laughing at the cop who told Tatiana to "stop!"

10. Wonder what in the hell Police Chief Fong has on Mayor Newsom that could possibly be keeping her employed.

The 10 things I will do Today

These are entirely more entertaining than Capt. PaperFlakWhateverPants.

1. Masterbate in the shower (check.)
2. Write a porographic story to another blogger (this person shall remain anonymous)
3. See Alvin and the Chipmunks against my will.
4. Refuse extra cheese on my sandwich at lunch
5. Do stomach crunches to distract myself from the obesity statistics of Wisconsin.
6. Try to hide my snide haughtiness that I do not live in Wisc.
7. Become frustrated for the gazillionth time at the dial up I am using.
8. Refuse cheese shreddings in my dinner salad.
9. James Bond sneak some bourbon into my eggnog.
10. Retire early to my room to send filthy text messages to my lady whores.

MurToon

Thursday, December 27, 2007

This is another MurToon for all you WoW Hookers out there!

The Latest

Fellow revolutionaries, comrades and faithful readers:

There are some interesting developments in WoWville. First, in January, we will commence the launch of Wand of Wonder LIVE. This blog will remain active, but the new WoW Live will provide readers and official WoW bloggers to create interactive content instantly. Malach is the point man on this one, and Captain Flak has a vision of over 1 million subscribers in one year. Feel free to chime in with any suggestions.

Also, the work with Monster Worldwide continues. We are currently producing video material for internal purposes for them. In fact, I'm taking a brief break to write this. Those of you interested in helping with this or any Third Option Media innitiative may contact me at drmurk@hotmail.com . Remember, this is a business venture and pays to keep the lights on here and at our affiliate sites, so please, if you want to discuss financial things like compensation for writing your dumb little articles, forget it. We work very hard on these projects and we only get paid for projects we actually work on. The WoW etc is a side benefit (albeit a nice one).

Last but not least, Mr. Morris, Mr. Hurst and myself are embarking upon a long literary project of the utmost importance. I truly believe we have solved a few of the critical problems facing most modern people today, and we will share as the book reaches its completion. Several of you have asked to collaborate on just such a project. That's wonderful, but I need to know what you bring to the table and we are on a timeline. If you want to help, contact is above.

Thank you for your time.

M

Christmas Treat

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Hey everyone! Merry Christmas!

I thought I'd share a nice chocolate treat with you. Try not to eat it all in one bite.

Enjoy!

Merry Xmas WoWees

Monday, December 24, 2007

The WoW wishes you all Happy Holidays
To the contributers who make this popular, the readers, and anyone else. Happy Holidays. Now don't get jealous, I got a special gift for the Angry Piper . . . For you next thread on Who You Want to Do the Sex With . . . I present your love, Toyi, expecially dressed for you:I am Malach and I get the job done

Merry CHRISTmas from Murk and Malach

Friday, December 21, 2007

That's right.
The Murk and Malach CHRISTmas Podcast is up, and this year, before Xmas. Check it out.

Show 18: CHRISTmas Without the Piper! It is the third annual Murk and Malach Show CHRISTmas Podcast, out in time for the Holidays (for once)! Unfortunately the Angry Piper could not join us this year but we carried on without him. We of course discuss the holidays, have some festive music, talk a bit of Boston Sports, answer fan mail, a special CHRISTmas Pageant, and in our annual tradition, give out presents and lots of them. There is a CONTEST TOO! So get your egg nog, and sit around the fire and listen to the annual yuletide tradtion. Your holidays won't be complete without it!

Man, I feel like I am tooting my own horn here, but this one is funny. I have listened to it three times already. Presents galore for all the WoWees! Click here to link directly to the mp3. It is about an hour and half long, and ok for work, but does contain some profanity. Enjoy it and Happy Holidays!

I am Malach and I am festive

A Christmas Carol

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Courtesy of Siouxsie Sioux.
Scary that Murk, Malach and I all know the words.

The Dark Knight

So the new trailer for the Dark Knight was on the net a few days ago. And for those who have not yet seen it, here it is:

Hump Day Jokes ...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."

~**~**~**~

This penguin was having car problems, so he pulled his car into the garage for a check-up. The mechanic points at the restaurant across the street and says, "Go over there and get a bite to eat, and I'll take a look." The penguin does exactly as he says. After a while he waddles back, and the mechanic is looking under the hood. The penguin asks him if he's been able to figure out what went wrong. The mechanic glances over his shoulder and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no, no --That's just tartar sauce."

~**~**~**~

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down." So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking. The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight." "I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking." "So why are you shaking?" asked the lion. "Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

~~wicked love~~

Things Not To Say

In the spirit of the Holidays, fuck off angry women bitch! And for you guys out there, some ammo for the next round of humilliating psycho fit throwing by your woman:

Things we don't say to our wives, but wish we did:

"The point is, we both know you could have done a lot better than me... and still been just as pissed off at that lucky guy."

"Truth is you should have married a slave dressed up as a punching bag."

"Look, I made some tea for you to drink while eating my soul."

"You're right. I need to do more around the house. And I will. Just let me finish rubbing your feet and back and doing the laundy and shoveling the walk and making you dinner and clearing the dishes and carrying you to bed so that I can leave your TV programs on while I watch you sleep."

"You bitch. Sorry, but it's so true."

"I believe we agreed to two blow jobs per year."

"Wow. Well since you put it that way, I'm super motivated and wicked happy to grant all your fucking wishes, my Queen."

"How did I get so lucky? And to think, I could have been hit by a car and killed and missed all this."

"Next thing you know you'll be asking me to help with all the whining and the bitching too."

"I'm sorry honey. I'll make it up to you. Here. You go to bed and I'll sit up crying for you."

"We can't always get what we want. I wanted less yelling at me. Did I get it?"

"I'll agree to be more understanding if you'll make enough sense to understand."

I can make webcomics too!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Introducing:

MurToon

Meet the Heroes, Issue 2, Epilogue

Friday, December 14, 2007

Epilogue

Jane Doe arrived unnanounced to Mercy Medical Center, another body found in the flood. The doctors wondered at her scars and skeletal trauma. The collected the stable facts: white caucasion female, mid fifties, had given birth at least once, in excellent health (before drowning). The flood had removed her clothing. Dental records gave her name as Erica Thomas. There was no surviving family to contact. Janes and Johns pulled from the river were many these days, but everyone could sense she was special.

A few of the orderlies and nurses got permission to spare the body from cremation. They found a plot out on old Seven Hills Cemetary, dug her a hole and burried her. She was a hero, they said in her eulogy. Any mother who died in the flood was a hero for being a mother at all.

Each woman present created her own tale of what Jane Doe had done to receive her injuries. None made her a victim, but a heroine, fighting for her children and for justice. It fit. It fit her every aspect. Even dead, she was vibrant and attractive, the envy of all present, beautiful, strong, heroic, at peace finally after the great struggle. They wept for themselves. This woman could have lead them and nurtured them. She'd have inspired them to greatness. She'd teach them to be strong.

As they tossed mud on her, they resigned to fate. Not everyone can be a hero. Few people can. The choices involved are glamourous and brave at a distance. Up close, they are poison versus rot. Heroes strengthen others while destroying themselves. Heroes live in guilt and die in hell. To be a hero is to regret. Knowing the ending, very few volunteer for the job. The ones who do were doomed from the start.

The night before, Kosmos had told me that they didn't need me and I'd be better off leaving. It was the first and last fight we had. He died the next day, as did The Son, as did Mercy, as did many others who weren't heroes, but victims. I stayed, despite what he told me. In a fit of anger, he said, "You can't possibly imagine what will change tomorrow if you stay." But they needed me. He was lying to save he. I hated that.

I can't even wish I had died. How awful if I ruined what they did by being a self pitying kid. So, I watch them sling mud on Jane Doe, a.k.a. Erica Thomas, a.k.a. Mercy, beloved of Harmless Man and Mother of the Son. She'd seen them all die and somehow managed to let go and drown. There are no heroes, just good and bad people too stupid to stop fighting, like me.

Ebard

Anyone up for some techno?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I thought of this at 4:00 AM last
night and I just had to make it.

What can I say?

It's been a slow week at the office.

Steroids in Baseball

See, you can get all you new here
Malach has loaded up a copy of the Mitchell Report over in our articles archive here at TOM. 400 pages but interesting read, especially some of the people named, including Roger Clemens and Captain Flakpaperpants. So read up buckos.

Not Your Father's Cartoon Network-

A few days ago we reported that Paddington Bear will be questioned by British immigration authorities regarding his legal status. That news has caused so much comment among our readers that we decided to bring you an extended report on other Cartoon Characters in the News.

I'm afraid it's not pretty, people...

Rudolph "The Red" Reindeer is currently wanted by Federal authorities on a wide variety of terrorism-related charges. A Homeland Security spokesman reports that "Red Rudy" Reindeer is known to have violated restricted military airspace on a number of occasions and to have been in contact with "Yukon Cornelius", a/k/a Mohammed Bin-Yaken. He is considered horned and dangerous.

Snoopy was sentenced to 3 years in a Federal Minimum Security Prison yesterday, following his conviction last month on 47 counts of Insider Trading in Dog-Bone Futures. He is expected to be eligible for parole in time for next year's Peanuts' Halloween special.

The Grinch remains at large despite a nation-wide manhunt. He is wanted for questioning in connection with the disappearance of Cindy-Lou Who, who was last seen on the way to the bathroom for a cup water on the night of Christmas Eve. Authorities refuse to say whether the Grinch is a suspect in the disappearance, and refer to him as a "person of interest, with cobwebs in his soul".

Arizona Prosecutors have announced that they have arrested The Roadrunner in a Phoenix motel room with 3 suitcases stuffed full of amphetamines. Well, nobody wanted to say anything at the time, but, well- I guess we always suspected, didn't we?

Superman was named today as the central cartoon character involved in the Cartoon Steroid Abuse Scandal. According to the long-awaited Snitchell Report, the Man of Steel supplied illegal body-building drugs to at least 20 fellow cartoon characters, including Popeye, Spiderman, Batman, and Flash Gordon. Superman tried to avoid reporters on a New York street this afternoon by ducking into a phone booth, but couldn't find one.

Cartoon Officials are still investigating the deaths of J. Peterson "Porky" Pig and his girlfriend Petunia Pig in a tragic accident at the Hormel plant last Tuesday. Services for "Porky" and Petunia will be held at the Warner Brothers Studio on Friday afternoon, to be followed immediately by the studio's Annual Staff Christmas Party, where Porky and Petunia will be featured on the buffet table, in all their honey-baked glory.

T-t-t-t-hat's All, Folks!

Holday Hump Day Jokes

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask "what seems to be the problem?" " My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?" Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He wake up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said "son what did Santa bring you?" I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can’’t find the little bastard.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

~holiday love~

Have a Heart, Support This Charity

It’s the time of year that everywhere we go we are confronted by charities, telling us their worthy cause and how we should step up and help. Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure if these people will be using our money for what they say they would or if they even really need it. Well, I felt I could no longer ignore one girl’s Christmas wish.

For many moons now, there has been an ongoing flirtation between myself and C.Rag. Both of us are nubile, supple breasted, young women who have an interest in experimenting with each other (I could link to a myriad of comments the both of us have posted, but there are so many; I will just suggest that you look at either of our sites). To deny us this pleasure because of the price of a plane ticket is cruel, and not at all in the holiday giving spirit.

With your generous gift, you can make two redhead’s Christmas wish come true. So, don't be a Scrooge, give the gift that keeps giving all year round, not just in our memories, but in your imaginations!

Corey... this is for you, man.

Well, that pretty much sums

up my college roommate.

The Golden Compass

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wow.
So, many of you know, Malach works for an organization that is based it's funding in part from Catholic Charities. Malach was shocked to find how vehemently, the Catholic Church has come out against Phillip Pullman, and The Golden Compass movie, and his Dark Materials books. There is a very active movement in the Catholic Church (and Christianity for that matter) to ban these books. Pullman, a "devout" atheist (who Malach affectionately calls "Bizarro C.S. Lewis), is very active in his opinions about religion in general, but so are a lot of people.

What surprises Malach . . . the Church itself, while it has made suggestions of "non Catholic" work (Harry Potter and The DaVinci Code come to mind), they have never come right out and banned a book, which they have with these books. The Catholic Schools in the area have sent a memo home stating these books were not allowed in any of the schools, and any teachers found with them would lose their jobs. They haven't openly banned a popular books since the 60's. The Catholic League (a media arm of the Vatican, but they will deny it) has come out against the book as blasphemous and evil.

Malach reprints for you below a interview from Zenit.com another Vatican based Internet media company:

What Every Parent Should Know About "The Golden Compass"

Interview With Pete Vere and Sandra Miesel

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana, NOV. 14, 2007 (Zenit.org).- The film "The Golden Compass" isn't simply about using fairy-tale magic to tell a good story, it corrupts the imagery of Lewis and Tolkien to undermine children's faith in God and the Church, says Catholic author Pete Vere.In this interview with ZENIT, Vere and Sandra Miesel discuss the movie adaptation of the fantasy novels written by Philip Pullman. The film, staring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, will be released in the United States in early December.

Vere and Miesel are co-authors of the booklet "Pied Piper of Atheism: Philip Pullman and Children's Fantasy," to be published by Ignatius Press next month on the topic of "The Golden Compass."

Q: The first movie of "The Golden Compass" trilogy is being released at Christmas. For those unfamiliar with the series, what kind of books are these and to whom do they appeal?
Vere: To begin, the books are marketed for 9-12 year olds as children's fantasy literature in the tradition of J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, and J.K. Rowling. "If you're a fan of 'Lord of the Rings,' 'Narnia ' or 'Harry Potter,'" the critics tell us, "you'll love Pullman."

Personally, I just can't see a child picking up these books and reading them. I see them more as books that adults give kids to read.

Having said that, "The Golden Compass" (1995) is the first book in Pullman's trilogy. The second book is titled "The Subtle Knife" (1997) and it is followed by "The Amber Spyglass" (2000).

Collectively, the trilogy is known as "His Dark Materials," a phrase taken from John Milton's "Paradise Lost." This is appropriately titled in my opinion, since each book gets progressively darker -- both in the intensity with which Pullman attacks the Catholic Church and the Judeo-Christian concept of God, as well as the stridency with which he promotes atheism.

For example, one of the main supporting characters, Dr. Mary Malone, is a former Catholic nun who abandoned her vocation to pursue sex and science. The reader does not meet her until the second book, by which time the young reader is already engrossed in the story. By the third book, Dr. Malone is engaging in occult practices to lead the two main characters, a 12-year-old boy and girl, to sleep in the same bed and engage in -- at the very least -- heavy kissing. This is the act through which they renew the multiple universes created by Pullman.

Another example is Pullman's portrayal of the Judeo-Christian God. Pullman refers to him as "The Authority," although a number of passages make clear that this is the God of the Bible. The Authority is a liar and a mere angel, and as we discover in the third book, senile as well. He was locked in some sort of jewel and held prisoner by the patriarch Enoch, who is now called Metatron and who rules in the Authority's name. When the children find the jewel and accidentally release the Authority, he falls apart and dies.

Additionally, Pullman uses the imagery of C.S. Lewis' "Narnia" chronicles. "His Dark Materials" opens with the young heroine stuck in a wardrobe belonging to an old academic, conversing with a talking animal, when she discovers multiple worlds. So the young reader is lulled early on with the familiar feel of Lewis.

Nevertheless, Pullman's work isn't simply about using fairy-tale magic to tell a good story. He openly proselytizes for atheism, corrupting the imagery of Lewis and Tolkien to undermine children's faith in God and the Church.

Q: Many Catholics, including William Donohue of the Catholic League, are speaking out against the movie. What should parents know before they let their children watch this film?
Vere: I don't recommend any parent allow their children to view the film. While the movie has reportedly been sanitized of its more anti-Christian and anti-religious elements, it will do nothing but pique children's curiosity about the books. I'm a parent myself. My children would think it hypocritical if I told them it was OK to see the movie, but not to read the books. And they would be right.

It's not OK for children -- impressionable as they are -- to read stories in which the plot revolves around the supreme blasphemy, namely, that God is a liar and a mortal. It is not appropriate for children to read books in which the heroine is the product of adultery and murder; priests act as professional hit men, torturers and authorize occult experimentation on young children; an ex-nun engages in occult practices and promiscuous behavior, and speaks of it openly with a 12-year-old couple; and the angels who rebel against God are good, while those who fight on God's side are evil. This is wrong. And while it's been softened in the movie -- or at least that's what Hollywood is telling us -- it's still there in the books.

Miesel: Furthermore, there's a great deal of cruelty and gore in the books, not just battles but deliberate murder, sadism, mutilation, suicide, euthanasia and even cannibalism. There are also passages of disturbing sensuality and homosexual angels who are "platonic lovers."

I agree with Pete. Avoid both the movie and the books. It would be best if people didn't picket or make a public fuss because that's just free publicity. If the movie fails at the box office, the second and third books won't be filmed.

Q: The author, Philip Pullman, is an outspoken atheist. Does this come across in the books and the movie as a secularist position or more in the form of anti-Catholicism?
Vere: It's not an "either/or" situation. What begins as a rebellion against the Church turns into a rebellion against God. This then leads to the discovery that God -- and Christianity -- are a fraud.

The 12-year-old protagonists -- Lyra and Will -- discover there is no immortal soul, no heaven or hell. All that awaits us in the afterlife is some gloomy Hades-type afterlife where the soul goes to wait until it completely dissolves. Thus Pullman uses anti-Catholicism as the gateway to promoting atheism.

Q: The trilogy is being compared to "Harry Potter" and "The Lord of the Rings." Is there a comparison to be made with either?
Vere: On the surface, yes. You've got witches, heroines, strange creatures, alternate worlds, etc. Although for reasons already stated, the real comparison -- by way of inverted imagery -- is to C.S. Lewis' "Narnia" chronicles. Pullman, who has called "The Lord of the Rings" "infantile," has a particular dislike for Lewis and "Narnia." This is reflected in Pullman taking Lewis' literary devices and inverting them to attack Christianity and promote atheism.

As Pullman said in a 1998 article in The Guardian: "[Lewis] didn't like women in general, or sexuality at all, at least at the stage in his life when he wrote the 'Narnia' books. He was frightened and appalled at the notion of wanting to grow up. Susan, who did want to grow up, and who might have been the most interesting character in the whole cycle if she'd been allowed to, is a Cinderella in a story where the ugly sisters win."

Miesel: That nasty quote is factually wrong on both points. Lewis began corresponding with his future wife in 1950, the year the first "Narnia" book came out, and married her in 1956, the year the last one was published. Susan's problem isn't "growing up," but turning silly and conceited. She doesn't even appear -- much less get sent to hell -- in "The Last Battle."

Vere: Thus what we see here is more contrast and corruption than comparison. Also, the work of Tolkien, Lewis and Rowling is primarily driven by the audience. It is the average reader who purchases these works, reads them, and makes them popular.

Pullman's work, on the other hand, appears to be driven by the critics. The only people I know recommending Pullman's work are English majors and university professors. I don't know a single electrician, hairdresser or accountant who recommends Pullman's work by word of mouth. Thus the books haven't resonated with the average person to the same degree as "Lord of the Rings," "Narnia" and "Harry Potter."

Q: Nicole Kidman, a Catholic who stars in the film, has said she wouldn't have taken the role if she thought the movie was anti-Catholic. What do you make of this response?
Vere: The film has not yet been released, so I cannot comment on it. However, Christ asks very pointedly in the Gospels: Can a good tree bear rotten fruit? The movie is the fruit of the books and Pullman's imagination. These are anti-Christian and atheistic at their core. How does one sanitize this from the movie without completely gutting Pullman from his story?

During an interview with Hollywood screenwriter Barbara Nicolosi a couple of months ago, I asked her whether it was possible to tone down the anti-Christian elements for the movie. Nicolosi is the chair of Act One, a training and mentoring organization for Christians starting out in Hollywood.

She had given the question thought. A few years ago one of her friends -- an evangelical Christian -- had been asked by her agent to pitch on the project, that is, propose to write the screenplay adapting "The Golden Compass" to film.

"We read [the book] and there was just no way we could come in on this," Nicolosi told me. "Pullman's fantasy universe is nihilistic and rooted in chaos. You cannot fix that in a rewrite without changing the story Pullman is trying to tell -- which is atheistic, angry and at times polemical."

But let's suppose it is possible. Let's suppose Kidman is right and that the movie has been sanitized of its anti-Catholicism. The books remain saturated with bitter anti-Christian polemic. So why promote a movie that will only generate interest in the books among impressionable young children?

For the Christian parent, the movie cannot be anything but spiritual poison to their children -- for the movie is the fruit of the book.

Wow. These are very strong words from people representing the Christian view, and you can just read this being repeated across the Internet with Christian sites and bloggers.

Here's what bother Malach. Why is the Church so nervous about a book. Are their followers that brain dead that reading this book will turn them into atheistic zombies? I mean The Chronicles of Narnia did not turn me into a Christian.

By the way, I have not read any of the books (surprisingly they sell the whole set at Wal-Mart), but is it on my list of things to read.

I am Malach, your prophet.

Things You Can't Say

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Here are some things you can't say to get out of a speeding ticket.

"You were going just as fast as I was. Here's your ticket, ass-shit."

"How can I tell how fast I was going when I'm shooting up a speedball?"

"Y M C A!"

"I thought I flushed you this morning."

"Blue makes you look fat."

"I'll give your mother a ticket for having sex with me."

"Are all cops as gay as you?"

"That show CHiPs gives me a hard on."

"I had to go that fast to get back to the future."

"95? Pretty good for a guy they told would never drive in the state of (instert state here) again."

"That show Prison Break makes this whole thing moot."

"Oh, sorry. I only take tickets from K-9 unit cops."

"How 'bout I fucking bite you and we call it even?"

"Dude, this is the best bachelor party ever. When do you take that uni off, hon?"

"But officer, I've never paid a ticket in my life!"

"Does your wife know we're meeting like this?"

"Is this being taped for a show? I'll make a break for it so it looks good."

"Seatbelt... preventing... spinning... backhand..."

Digital Restoration of aging art

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Last night I gave a short talk at my masonic lodge about the potential benefits of using digital restoration for some of the wonderful paintings inside historic Trinity Lodge.

These are but a few rough example of what is ultimately possible using digital photo enhancement (let alone complete physical cleaning and restoration of the paintings themselves.)

Using such techniques, it can become possible for us to see features previously hidden by years upon years of aging and exposure.

• Here is a BEFORE & AFTER image of the George Washington portrait hanging in our lodge room. Please note the rich colors of his Masonic apron, the gold leaf "G" with square and compasses on the chair behind him, the color of his Bible and even the faint hint of blue in his eyes!

• In the King Edward VII BEFORE & AFTER image, notice the amazing woodwork detail on the table, the various colors in his medals, and the fact that he is clearly holding a place in the book he has in his right hand (which I assume is the bible.) There also appears to be some detail to the carpet and a shimmering shine upon his shoes!

Once I have better source images to work with, I can show far more color and detail as was originally present in these beautiful portraits. I will also be examining some of the other works throughout the lodge. I have a professional photographer coming in to the lodge to take some super high resolution images (which will be shot at a better angle as well.)

Once I have a decent collection of before and after images, I will post them up on Trinity Lodge's web site.

Hump Day Jokes

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." P

riest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

~*~*~*~*~

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

~*~*~*~*~

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.""Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

~wicked love for the wicked~

(Yet Another) Five Women The Angry Piper Would Totally Do The Sex With (Besides Toyi)

Monday, December 03, 2007

1. Mimi Rogers
She was once married to Tom Cruise. She is no longer married to him. Since then, Tom has been married twice: first to Nicole Kidman and now, Katie Holmes. In case you needed it, here is further proof that Tom Cruise is a fucking whackbag.



2. Sophie Marceau
Once named “The Woman Most Men want to Sleep With” in her native France. Not very hard to see why.

3. Famke Janssen
Look at this picture. Just look at it. If I still need to explain myself, I cannot help you. You obviously love cock.

4. Catherine Bell
However, not even her incredible hotness can entice me to watch JAG.

5. Jennifer Tilly

Yes. For exactly the reasons you think.

Bonus: Queen Latifah
Is anyone who knows me at all surprised by this?

Cap'n Flak's Digital Art

It's been a long time since I shared with my fellow WoWees the latest additions to my digital art gallery.

You can click here to see the complete gallery.

Check out The Mist series, Hammer of The Gods, The Sword In The Stone, Pale Rider and many more!

The Letter Meme

Sunday, December 02, 2007

A meme by Malach
OK, I want everyone who reads this to comtemplate trying this. Malach created a meme on the following subject. Write a letter to your thirteen year old self, whatever year that is in. The full rules are in this post, along with my letter back to 1985.

Some of my buckos and WoWees, have already done so, and the results are pretty awesome. Mike's is an awesome read and C.Rag's is one part serious and one part her usual self.

So go for it, and if you remember, I would love you all to link it back to the original post. You can even post here at the WoW.

I am Malach, no longer 13, but sometime act it.

BREAKING WoW NEWS!

Friday, November 30, 2007

EVEL KNIEVEL DEAD AT 69 YEARD OLD
Legenday stuntman practically invented "being on balls!"

Evel Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil whose stunts -- including an attempted leap over Idaho's Snake River Canyon and his insane taste for hideous 70's fashion -- made him a popular cultural figure, is dead, according to his Web site, evelknievel.com. He was 69 and loving it.

Over his career, Knievel was said to have broken practically every bone in his body -- some multiple times.

With his red-white-and-blue jumpsuits, abnormally large shirt collars, shock of hair and stone-faced mein, he was a fixture on ABC's program "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s, his stunts perennial ratings-grabbers.

Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle." (He had hoped to jump the Grand Canyon, but couldn't get permission.) The attempt failed, but the publicity was priceless.

His fame even spawned a movie, "Viva Knievel!" in 1977.

Robert Craig Knievel was born October 17, 1938, in Butte, Montana.

Earlier this week, Knievel amicably settled a lawsuit with rap star Kanye West over West's use of a persona called "Evel Kanyevel" in his video for "Touch the Sky."

"I was very satisfied and so was he," Knievel told The Associated Press while eating broken glass and drinking gasoline... LEADED GASOLINE. "Now, I am planning something really big. I'm going to take the biggest jump of all: the jump to the other side, baby. You know what I mean? HELL YEAH YOU DO."

To pay their respects, friends and family are expected to jump over Kenievel's flaming casket at his funeral on Sunday.

Peace in the Middle East

You been very patient
And today you can rejoice. JesusMan! 5.3 is now loaded! And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, I have created a new t-shirt for this episode, the very first JesusMan! t-shirt.

Peace in the Middle East; JesusMan! 5:3
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

Do you not love it? On the back the shirt says: "Nothin' says Peace in the Middle East like a 100 foot naked hottie on roller skates" and then is labeled "JesusMan! 5:3" underneath. So enjoy buckos!

Loyalism

I was doing jello shots with Rudy and arguing about which Arab country he should nuke first if he gets to be President when my cellphone rang. It was Dick, and he wanted me in the Oval Office, right away.

“We need you to sign this paper,” Dick explained, pushing a form across the desk at me. I touched the paper, which immediately burst into flames and incinerated itself. I smiled at Dick.

“Oops. Sorry. What was it, anyway?”

“It’s a Loyalism Oath,” George broke in proudly. “We’re gonna make everyone sign ‘em, make ‘em promise to only vote for Republicans, like they’re doin’ down in Virginia.”

“Why not just outlaw all the other political parties like your pal, Putey-Pute?” I asked, laughing. “That would be more efficient.”

George turned and stared at a signed photo of Vladimir Putin he kept on his desk and frowned. “He don’t call me no more,” he said sadly. “You think he’s mad at me or sumthin’?”

“Never mind that,” Dick broke in roughly, “I’ll get another copy. You have to sign it, everyone will have to sign it if they want to vote in the next election”.

“You could just arrest all your political opponents, like your pal, Pervez,” I suggested.

“Or we could just Deportize ‘em all, you know, like illegal alienists,” George added.

Dick shook his head. “Not for another few years. I think this is an easier way to get Congress back and keep the White House. We are going to call it the Patriot Pact”.

I had to hand it to Dick, the man’s clever with names. But I wasn’t signing.

“I don’t sign anything, Dick,” I reminded him. “Other people sign my pacts. You know that. You signed one yourself”.

Dick shrugged. “Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

“That’s right,” George broke in. “My pal Putey’s got a new system for elections where you have to vote for his party to keep your job”. He looked wistfully at the photo on his desk. “I wish he’d call me,” he whispered mournfully.

I slipped out. I hate it when George gets whiney. And I had to be over at Hillary’s place in an hour. She was going to be re-aligning her policy positions, and she’d asked my to bring the dart board and six pack.

I'll jump on the YouTube bandwagon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

If Third Option Media was hired to create a political campaign ad, it might look something like this...

WoW Presents: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong landed their Lunar Module on the moon's Sea of Tranquility and became the first two humans to walk on the moon.

This unprecedented heroic endeavor was witnessed by the largest worldwide television audience in history. Buzz was presented the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honor amongst over 50 other distinguished awards and medals from the United States and numerous other countries.

Since retiring from NASA, the Air Force, and his position as Commander of the Test Pilot School at Edwards Air Force Base, Dr. Aldrin has remained at the forefront of efforts to ensure a continued leading role for America in manned space exploration. He has also been active in the Freemasons, of which he is a member, past master and officer.

To advance his lifelong commitment to venturing outward in space, he founded his rocket design company, Starcraft Boosters, Inc., and the ShareSpace Foundation, a nonprofit organization devoted to opening the doors to space tourism for all people.

Buzz and his wife, Lois, live in Los Angeles. Buzz and his best friend Mario, however, live part time in a low-gravity, sub-orbital flying fun shack.

Hump Day Jokes

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

~wicked hump day lovin~

I Love the 80's

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Hey Malach, how many of these CDs do you own?



BEST VIDEO EVER!!!!



The only song worth listening to from The Lost Boys Soundtrack. Michael Hutchins, Malach and I sorely miss you.



Think this guy idolized Jim Morrison much?



Danny Elfman is a fucking genius.



I had a lot of sex to this CD back in 1990. I would have had a lot of sex to it when it came out, but I didn't actually have sex until 1990. One of the best, most underrated voices in contemporary music.



OK, so they don't want the video embedded. You can look at it here instead.



This song will forever remind me of Alice Fangueiro. Not that anyone aside from Malach will know who that is.



Three guesses why I love this song. Hint: it rhymes with "Magpipes".

I still love all of these songs. Anyone in high school in the 1980's was singing along. Admit it.

So Much Better Than Pilates

Try it! You just may like it!

If it's on teh internetz, it must be true!

Time has been one of the most complicated and less studied scientific issues since ancient times.

Eight years ago, American and British scientists who conducted investigations in Antarctica made a sensational discovery. US physicist Mariann McLein told of how researchers noticed some spinning gray fog in the sky over the pole on January 27 which they believed to be just an ordinary sandstorm.

However, the gray fog did not change in form and did not move in the course of time.

The researchers decided to investigate the phenomenon and launched a weather balloon with equipment capable of registering the wind speed, the temperature and the air moisture.

But the weather balloon soared upwards and immediately disappeared.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE OF THIS TRUE STORY!

Cap'n Flak's Football Game Review

Monday, November 26, 2007

Well, for those of you that have the sincere pleasure of knowing me, you know that I am not what some would call a sports enthusiast. I won't even go into my "60-yard line" story. I can count the number of sports matches I have watched in their entirety on my... well, actually I can't because I really never have watched an entire game of any sport.

Anyway, thanks to some time well spent with Dr. Robert J. Murk (awesome), I recently started watching football, specifically the amazing, seemingly unbeatable New England Patriots. I mean, Jesus H. Christ (aka: Bill Belichick), can these guys pass that leather oblong ellipsoid around a white lined rectangle or what!?!?

Knowing more about the Jaglavak ant colonies propensity to attack termites in Cameroon than I know about the rules and regulations of football leaves me with a somewhat unique perspective on this modern day gladiator-like spectacle.

I fully admit to being dazzled, if not overwhelmed, by the mind numbing array of flashing graphics, the fact that the company I work for is an NFL sponsor and the extreme hotness of Quarter-Back Tom Brady (and if you don't think he is amazing, be you man or woman, you are either blind, retarded or dead.)

Furthermore, I admit that I don't know what the announcers are saying and I sure as hell can't decipher any of the statistical information (Brady: CMP-284, ATT-392 YRDS-3439, CMP%-72.4 OMG WTF?)

But, I do know this: the battle-like scenarios played out on those big green fields are fun to watch and, if so inclined, you can get sucked in faster than light particles entering a black hole.

I can't help but be impressed by players like Laurence Maloney?, Maroney?, Marooney?, whatever, who I watched literally shove his way through a pack of angry men, some of which are even bigger than me, to score a touchdown and put New England back into the lead, 31-28.

At one point, I switched over to FOX and watched Family Guy. I gotta tell you that is one seriously funny show. Did you see the part where Peter shows up at Meg's school and smashes the popular girl's face into a fire extinguish... wait, sorry. Back to the game.

I have to hand it to the team wearing the green uniforms. (Jets? No, EAGLES! Yeah, that's it.) They played their best and when I finally decided to go to bed (even though there was a mere 5 or 6 minutes left on the play clock thingy), I actually thought the Eagles might win!

OK, well, honestly, I figured they'd blow it. I was just being nice. You know, I even felt bad for the Eagles Stephen Gostko-something when he missed a 32-yard toss. Ouch. SUX2BU guy!

It felt weird when I woke up this morning to the sound of my 1-year old bouncing up and down on his bed while asking for his "milkies" and yet the first thought I had was "did the Pats win?" That's never happened to me before. So, I sat up, switched on NECN and I found out that, sure enough, the Pats added another victory to their record by beating the Philadelphia (?) Eagles last night at Foxboro Stadium in front of 68,000+ alcohol warmed screaming fans.

WAY TO GO, PATS!!!!

One more thing: people keep comparing the Pats to the 1972 Miami Dolphins with head coach Don Shula. When I hear that name, I can only think one thing...


...isn't that the guy in those NutriSystem commercials?

The Color of Magic, a Book Review

Friday, November 23, 2007

The Color of Magic
Ok, maybe I am a little slow on the uptake here, but thanks to some prodding from Angryman, Malach has just finished the first book in Terry Pratchett's Discworld Series, The Color of Magic. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While is has a slight slow begininning, it quickly traps you into Discworld, and you don't want to leave. I am not a huge fan of Pratchett, but the stuff I have read by him, I have enjoyed. If you are at all a fan of high fantasy, Tolkein style, or fantasy based Role Playing Games, these books are for you. They is one way are intended as a spoof, a spoof of Tolkein, a spoof Dungeons and Dragons, Lovecraft, Leiber, Howard, C.S. Lewis, a spoof on everything high fantasy.

The first in series, The Color of Magic is about an inept and cynical wizard named Rincewind. So inept, he never completed wizard training, and can only cast one spell. One of the original spells of power, that he really can't remember how to cast. He comes into employment for as a guide for a out of country visitor named Twoflower and his sentient piece of luggage (Luggage). Rincewind leads him about the huge city of Ankh-Morpork, through a series of unfortunate events, leading to the city burning to the ground, and they then set off on the begininig of a grand adventure across the continent, and further.

Not only is the book funny, it is also throughly entertaining, and I couldn't put it down. It get 4 ass smacks from Malach the Merciless.

Eric Mangini
These are starting to sell well, so here they are, for the WoWees, the game is coming up soon.

BITCH SNITCH ERIC MAN-GINA
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

STOP SNITCHIN' MANGENIUS!
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

And as requested Sweatshirts will be up today.

And finally some exclusive video of the Angry Piper's ex

I am Malach and I want to rock with you

Point of View-

Our staff was far too full of turkey, stuffing, Jack Daniels and beer to regain consciousness this morning, so we bring you a Classic SoD, first posted in March of 2006. Happy Thanksgiving Weekend everyone, we'll drag The Demonic One back to the office next Monday to get back to work!

- - -

excerpts from the diary of President George Bush -PRIVATE!!!

March 1st- Flew into Pakistan with Laura. Saw Pervez, had a nice dinner. Didn't know what the Hell anything was, but it tasted good. Except the meat dish. I think I may have eaten a goat. I’ll have to talk to Pervez about that.

March 2nd- Went walking this morning before Laura got up. Got lost. Went down a side street and got grabbed by two men with guns. They asked if I was a Pakistani, and I said no, and they shoved me in the back of a truck. Could hear them talking up front about the United States government offering a bounty on foreigners caught in Pakistan and turning me in for cash. What a damned screw-up. Of course we offer a bounty. Caught quite a few bad-doers with it too, folks who are violent, and amoral, and who like to wage war and kill people for no good reason. But not Americans, for Chrissake! I'll straighten this out when I get to our own people. Boy are these two gonna be sorry. I'll throw their asses in Gitmo.

March 3rd- The assholes who grabbed me sold me to the US Army for 50 bucks. The stupid Army major wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. Kept asking me if I was employed in Pakistan. Idiot. I finally yelled at him that I'm not fucking employed, I'm the godamned President!

Now I'm on a godamned plane to Gitmo.

March 5th- Unbelievable. I'm in a damned cell with a Saudi carpenter and two Indian software engineers. This is a seriously screwed-up system. Nobody will listen to a word I say. I want a telephone! I want my lawyer! They just laugh at me. I have to talk with Cheney about this when I get back. I’m gonna talk with Don too. They can’t do this to me. I’m a do-gooder, not a bad-doer. Fucking assholes.

March 8th- Today I met my "lawyer", a junior-grade Lieutenant named Jack from the motor pool. Apparently Cheney set it up so we don't get lawyers, we get "representatives" who don't know a damned thing about law. Jack was sympathetic but said there was not much he could do. According to Jack they don't have to let me get in touch with anyone or charge me with anything or ever let me go. That doesn’t sound very American to me, and I told him so. He laughed like I’d said something funny.

When I get back some heads are gonna roll, boy.

March 9th- They got me up at 3 a.m. by playing Barry Manilow music full blast outside the cell. Played it for 12 hours straight. That has to be against some Convention or other. I wish I hadn't said we were going to ignore those, but nobody told me about Barry Manilow. That's just not right. It’s wrong.

March 11th- Jack says they've classified me as an 'enemy combatant'! I asked him why. Well, I didn't ask. I yelled. A lot. The guards came in and tied me up. Assholes. I’m making a list, boy.

Anyway, Jack said he didn't know, they won't show him my file. He says they classified it 'secret', so they don't have to show it to him. I told him that I have rights, you know, like it says in the Constitution. That asshole laughed and quoted me stuff I said about it being a 'godamned piece of paper'.

I took a swing at him and they put me in solitary.

I hate Jack.

March 12th- They've been playing Roger Miller's 'King of the Road' outside my cell since midnight. 'No phone, no pool, no pets'. They think it's pretty funny. Assholes.

March 13th- I finally bribed a guard to smuggle me a cell phone. Called Dick Cheney. He said he'd "see what he could do". I said he'd better fucking "see", and damn fast! Cheney started dodging, he said that I signed some law or other giving myself no rights in here, and then he mumbled something about "rules" and "working with the system". I hung up on him.

I hate Dick Cheney.

March 15th- I'm free! Mom called Dick and gave him a piece of her mind, so Dick signed some papers and I'm going home. This experience has really opened my eyes. I understand now that it really is against all the values we stand for to round up people without any real evidence against them, jail them without charge, hold them indefinitely without trial or a lawyer, and leave them here to rot. When I get back to Washington tomorrow I'm going to make some changes, you bet!

March 16th- Back home! Watched tv with Laura for a while, and now I have to pack for the weekend. We're having a big barbecue at the ranch. I wonder if Ann Coulter is going to be there tomorrow? Laura doesn't like Ann, but I think she's a pistol. Andy Card came in and asked what I wanted to "do" about Gitmo. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Why should I care about a bunch of godamned terrorists? Let 'em rot, I told him.

I like Andy, but he can be pretty dense sometimes.

The Latest Recurring Character on The WoW!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

You've seen him lurking in the back of elevators.
He may have been interviewing for your job.
We even saw him hanging around the aquarium.
Well, this is Clem and, right now, he sells latex.

You like him? No. You LOVE him.

Stay tuned for more Clem.
Only on The WoW!*


*brought to you by Third Option Media Productions!

Hump Day Jokes

You Might Have a Redneck Thanksgivings if:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

~*~*~*~*~

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

1. Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left

those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition,

and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

3. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the

turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

5. Whenever someone at the table says a word

beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

6. When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

7. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

9. Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on

just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

11. As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd,

I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

12. Hold your nose while you eat.

13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom,

I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender,

and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

16. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,

he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms,

and then they are free to go.

17. During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

18. Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

19. Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug"

gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,

"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

~*~*~*~*~

A lady was pawing through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough to feed her large family.

Annoyed, she asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The startled stock boy replied, "Heck no, ma'am, they're all dead."

~*~*~*~*~

Have a happy happy turkey day everyone!

~turkey lovin for the wicked~

IT'S OFFICIAL: Cloverfield is coming.

Click here to see the brand new trailer for JJ Abrams monster epic Cloverfield!

I don't know about you, but I am excited to see this movie and I have been impressed and inspired by the mysterious viral marketing produced for this movie.

Will it be as good as all the hype? Knowing JJ's past work, I have to imagine it certainly will be.

A glimmer of hope and an attempted murder.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It never ceases to amaze me how much my kids can brighten my world. After I took my oldest boy to the New England Aquarium to watch Michael dive (see the video post below), he kept telling me what a great day he had and how glad he was that I was his best friend. I swear he reminds me that there is still pure innocence and good in the world.

And, then, on my ride into work today some asshole tried to hit me and run me off the road. I mean, WTF? If you were driving down the road, would you want to hit this?

Wait. Don't answer that.

The Daily Narcissist Goes to the Movies: No Country for Old Men

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Okay, no suspense here. Four swipes of the cat tail for No Country for Old Men. I feel giddy - giddily happy after seeing this movie.

How can one feel this way after having seen a whole lot of graphic murders? One can because one has been completely, thoroughly and superbly entertained. Based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, and written for the screen and directed by the inimitable Coen brothers, No Country for Old Men is a perfect movie. I love going to Coen brothers' movies because I am 100% certain I'm going to see something very different from the usual pablum of American film making. I was not disappointed.
















Plot summary: Llewelyn Moss, played spot on by Josh Brolin (who knew?), is out hunting in the west Texas desert one hot, glaringly sunny day when he stumbles on a drug deal gone very, very wrong, as evidenced by many shot up pick-up trucks and dead bodies, including one dog. He finds something that I think most of us wouldn't blame him for taking, and carries it back to his pretty young wife waiting impatiently at home in the trailer park.















A twinge of conscience sends him back to the crime scene in the middle of the night. This arbitrary act of kindness sets in motion a tension-filled, violent chase by first Anton Chigurh (played by the superb Spanish actor Javier Bardem, whom I last saw in The Sea Inside), then Sheriff Bell (Tommy Lee Jones, masterful and, as always, at the top of his game), and finally "fixer" Carson Wells (Woody Harrellson).

























In between all the mayhem and murder perpetrated by the deliciously psychotic Chigurh, you'll find humor slipped in that had all of us in the audience chuckling out loud many times. You have to listen carefully. I've read some reviews that try to equate the dessicated and violence-filled scenery with a metaphor for the current lawless and fucked-up state of the US. I don't know if that's McCarthy's intent, and I don't know if I see it that way, but it doesn't matter because the story in and of itself is so well put together, fantastically well-acted and perfectly filmed.

















If you're familiar with the nature of Cormac McCarthy's writing and the Coen brothers' affection for "noirish" film making, you won't be too surprised with how it ends. But really, the ending is almost besides the point. Watching Bardem's fastidious Chigurh mess with a sincere but hapless Texas gas station owner, and Jones' humorous, world-weary intelligence effortlessly and accurately (almost) assembling the pieces of this bit of "dismal tide" is just way too much fun to miss.

And if anyone can find me the soundtrack, especially the track, "Blood Trail", that plays during the ending credits, I'll be forever grateful.