1st please read this
Okay coming back to that tight night in the safe room, we stayed there for the next 3 days, helicopters were flying really low releasing bombs, it was horrible to feel the earthquake when the bombs landed, it was horrible to feel a helicopter flying above us because we couldn’t see if they were releasing a bomb on top of our heads, we had no windows, there was a weird feeling when helicopters were speeding & flying low, yes their vibration was very strong and as a kid I felt my heart shaking as much as the house material. We were ordered to stick to the walls as much as we could and never close to a door. How we ate? Always the 1st food to go was whatever was in the fridge because is obvious that during a bombing what goes out first is electricity, and electricity comes back only after repairs are made and obviously electricians will not fix anything unless the shoot out is completely done… (And believe me, shoot outs would go on for days and days man) after anything in the fridge is done then my granny would come out and set the mud stove quicker put to boil some bean soup in an “olla" And come back inside the room, then she would be checking by time, there we would have at least meal for 2 days because ollas have a big capacity, so how the food inside the olla lasts for 2 days w/o spoiling? Well easy after the food is finished cooking, we take out our portions… by the end of the day after the last table spoon the olla is set to boil again, so next day we are able to eat again from it and expect it to be alright. Oh yeah were we bored with the food, of course but honestly there was little we could do, there was nothing else to cry for lol. There was always a jeopardy cooking because of the smoke, and that was the reason why the mud stove was far away from our staying/guarding room, helicopters were very particular about smoke coming up from homes, we could create a madness and get a free bomb in return. Lol
Well what was grandpa doing? Oh I tell you I always thought Grandpa was some sort of evil scientist, he was very smart and I can’t remember a challenge that he never surpassed, Well you can figure out that he had already some batteries to put on his favorite pocket radio and look for “Venceremos” Radio station just to find some news about location of Military, he would’ve love to find out about guerrillas locations too but Venceremos would never jeopardize their people by announcing were they were hiding (lol believe me this is not US media), places being bombed etc, etc. And of course if batteries were too low; he would charge them (Somehow, don’t ask me) cause I was 6 years old and all I saw was him running away dissembling something else and then coming back with those batteries fully charged. He was very cool, the only thing that kept me prevented from hugging him carefree… was that little cigarette that got on my skin few times (and hurt as hell, well accidentally but hurt anyway).
I Oh I can’t forget about a “Nica” lol that was basically a pot to crap in it during night time. (Believe it or not that was very important, because shoot outs always create flying bullets and you don't really want to be out side and get hit by one of those while you are crapping eh eh)
If there was something I was grateful to be a child was to avoid cleaning that up by early morning. Eh eh. And of course most of the times was one of our aunts that had to go out make a hole in the ground and bury family's crap, 'cause there was no running water and would be a bad idea to flush the toilet (“cause the tank wouldn’t re fill as you might figure. FYI (If there is no electricity, there is no running water) and we would never use our reserve water for something that wouldn’t be drinking it.
Toyi's war experience Chapter VI
Happy Halloween, HAIL SATAN!
Happy Halloween WoWees!
There is a lot of internet talk about how Halloween is just a front to convert people to worshipping Satan. It's alot of hooey. I am not a Satanist, and I have celebrated Halloween since I was born. Halloween is about having fun, dressing up in costumes, and socializing with your neighborhood . . . maybe playing a trick or two. The conversion to Satanism to me is a strange thought . . .
Well Happy Halloween WoWess . . . a couple of Halloween vids for you.
And
Are you ready for some football?
As the Patriots sneak up on the rest of the league, Malach reiterates 2 bold predictions . . . The Pats will end the Colts undefeated streak next week, and if they are still undefeated, the Bears in four weeks.
I am Malach, and I give out rocks . . . rock cocaine.
Notice
In light of recent events, I am imposing a one week ban on myself. My actions were reprehensible. I defamed the character of other posters, stole a classic one liner and made a few typos. I have no reasonable explanation of my actions. Rather than vote on it, I, as the second in charge around here, have decided to act quickly and decisively for the good of the WoW.
I hereby turn in my key, my golden trumpet and my derby until I have been through a sensitivity training course and sworn off the insults, the flip flopping and the bear baiting.
I wish you all well during the following week and I hope to return a better person (although fictional).
bennie goodman will take over for me in my absence. God save the Queen.
Murk
Murk's Maze
Murk once again requested my presence, so I went to the mansion before he decided to send someone to retrieve me. After parking my purple Hyundai Accent in the drive, I followed his directions to a part of his estate I had never seen before. I found Dr. Murk wandering the vast grounds. He carried a croquet mallet in his hand. There were no balls or wickets apparent, nothing to indicate a game was underway. I approached warily, as is my usual practice when the doctor is armed.
“Hello, Piper,” said Murk. “Glad you could make it. I’m just tending to a small problem my gardener, Arturo, has made me aware of. It appears I have a small gopher infestation. Simply won’t do to have them burrowing about. So when they pop up, I smack them down again. With this.” He playfully spun the mallet in his hands.
“Don’t they make poison for that?” I asked, appalled.
“Mmm. Quite,” said Dr. Murk. “Anyway, I asked you here because I want you to do something. See this hedge maze?” Dr. Murk gestured to what I assumed, until then, was merely a large, well-maintained shrubbery. An opening between the hedges was barely visible. “You must enter it and meet me in the middle. There we will hold palaver.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I said.
“We will talk, you imbecile.”
“Can’t we talk here?” I asked, apprehensive.
“No. It’s very important that we talk in there. Besides, there’s a surprise waiting for you at the center of the maze: one of my wife’s apple pies. All for you.” Murk smiled at me.
I thought of the pie: golden, flaky perfection, paradise in pastry form. A delight for all the senses (except hearing, as pies are silent). Always Murk would torment me with his wife’s apple pie, eating it in front of me and refusing to offer me a slice, while he moaned orgasmically with every bite. I longed for the pie. Dr. Murk knew this, and thus played me like an emotional xylophone.
“Fine,” I said. “See you in the middle.” I started towards the entrance.
“Wait,” said Murk. “There is an entrance on the other side. You must use that one. This one is for me.”
I sighed in exasperation, but thoughts of the pie soon had me circling the hedge maze seeking the second entrance. I found it right away. A sign in the shape of an arrow pointed to a break in the shrubbery. “Enter here, asshole!” was painted on the sign. So I did.
It was much darker within the close confines of the hedge maze than I first expected. As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I berated myself for blindly following Murk’s directions. Although I knew that no possible good could come out of entering a maze at Dr. Murk’s house, I wanted the pie so much that I was willing to risk my sanity and my very life to get it. I knew there was a trick to finding one’s way through any maze, but I could not remember what it was. Try as I might, thoughts of the pie pushed all other thoughts from my mind.
I came out of my ruminations to find I was hopelessly lost amidst the dark passages and switchbacks of the maze. I took a deep breath, fighting panic, as that would do me no good at all. Suddenly, the tinny sound of Dr. Murk’s voice sounded over a loudspeaker, concealed somewhere in the shrubbery around me. “Hey, Piper, did I tell you about my trip last year? Wifey and I went to Mt. Kilimanjaro in Kenya for our seventh honeymoon.”
Great, I thought, wondering where this was going.
“Well, I don’t need to tell you the wife is quite the animal lover, and wouldn’t you know it, she fell in love with the wild mountain baboons there! Vicious, ill-tempered things, known to pack-attack (and eat) humans, but hey—the wife loves ‘em. So I arranged for us to smuggle a dozen or so home with us. The wife was away for a while, and, well…I’ve just been so busy, I forgot to feed the little devils. Now, I don’t want to alarm you Piper, but I suppose I should tell you I just accidentally released them into the maze with you. You’ll probably hear them soon, so you might want to hurry.”
I felt my veins fill with ice. All thoughts of the pie vanished and I began to panic, blindly running in a random direction. I plunged ahead, following twists and turns as my heart pounded fit to burst and my breath came in ragged gasps. I could hear the sounds of the starved baboons somewhere in the maze. By now they had my scent and were on the hunt. I ran around the corner and skidded into a large white crate on the ground. Instantly, the air was filled with angry buzzing. A beehive!
I slapped frantically at the insects as they swarmed in the air around me, stinging my exposed flesh. “Oh, I forgot to tell you about the bees,” said Murk’s tinny voice. “also from Africa. If you see a hive, don’t get too close; they’re quite aggressive. Just turn around and don’t make any sudden moves. They should leave you alone if you stay calm.”
I screamed and fled in the opposite direction, a black cloud of killer bees trailing in my wake. I tore through the maze, heedless of direction, certain at any moment to dive headfirst into another beehive or plunge into a pack of savage, starving baboons; where I would be dismembered and eaten to the accompaniment of Dr. Murk’s gleeful laughter. I rounded yet another bend and smacked into a hedge wall. Someone had affixed to it a poster of a kitten hanging from a clothesline, struggling vainly to get up. “Hang In There!” read the ridiculously trite caption. In vain I tore at the hedgerow itself, hoping to burrow my way through to the center of the maze, but with no luck. The foliage was too dense, and all I succeeded in doing was bloodying my hands. Desperate, I whirled and fled deeper into the maze.
“Want to hear something funny, Piper?” Dr. Murk’s voice came once again from the loudspeaker. “The wife tells me she’s been dressing up like you and poking those baboons with pointy sticks for months. Usually she waits until they’re asleep, then wakes them up with a sharp jab in the face. Wow, do they get cranky!”
I ran on, heedless of Murk’s taunts, intent only on surviving this murderous game. I stumbled and fell, crying out in pain and fear. My ankle was twisted; it was only a matter of time before the baboons or the bees or both caught up with me. I lay down, prepared to die. And that’s when I noticed a passage to my right, all but hidden in the darkness. I crawled on my strength of will alone to the passage, and fell through into a clearing in the center of the maze, bleeding from dozens of cuts, scratches and beestings. A metal gate slammed shut behind me, sealing the maze off from the clearing.
“Ah, Piper,” said Murk. “So glad you could join us.” The Doctor had changed into a deck shirt, Bermuda shorts and Birkenstock sandals. He smiled at me from a lawn chair beneath a sun umbrella, lazily fanning himself with a large hand fan while sipping an immense tropical drink. Behind me came the enraged howls of the baboon pack as they came face to face with the metal gate.
“P…P…Pie…” I gasped between deep breaths.
“Oh, right, the pie. There never was any pie, Piper. I just wanted to see if you’d run the maze.”
“You freakin’ psycho!!” I screamed. “I’m not a goddamn lab rat!”
“And yet here you are, at the center of what is undeniably a maze, which you just ran in the hopes of a reward. Sounds somewhat rattish to me.” Murk slurped his drink.
“You’re insane! I had killer bees up my kilt, for Christ’s sake!”
“You’re not allergic, are you? At any rate, it’s likely the most swelling you’ve experienced down there in a long time.” Dr. Murk laughed. His Asian wife laughed too, and it was then I realized the doctor and I were not alone.
Mrs. Dr. Murk stood in the midst of a fountain in the center of the clearing. Cascading water caressed her sleek skin, sending silver streams meandering down the graceful lines of her back and over her briefly flaring hips, to continue down her rock-hard buttocks (the buttocks of an assassin, I reminded myself) and bare legs into the pool of ankle-deep water at her feet. Her long black hair reached the center of her back and clung, matted, to her sun-bronzed flesh. Breasts the size of canned hams strained against the fabric and threatened to burst from her ridiculously skimpy bathing suit. Idly, she ran her hands through her hair, scattering droplets of water in a prismatic spray. She looked at me through eyes that promised miracles and ran her tongue over her pursed lips in a gesture that could only mean—
“Cease eye-humping my wife, Piper,” said Dr. Murk. “It angers me. Say hello to our guest, my dear.”
Languidly, Mrs. Dr. Murk extended a glistening arm in my direction and very casually flipped me the bird.
“What the hell was this really all about, Murk?” I snapped.
“Well, it seems it’s been a long time indeed since you have written a book review. I suppose this is my way of encouraging you to get back on the stick, you skirt-wearing homo.” Murk finished his drink and began noisily munching the cherry garnish.
“You asshole!” I screamed. “You could have just asked!”
“This was much more effective, wouldn’t you say?”
“For your information, a new review has been up already for a whole day! You didn’t even bother to check!”
“Interesting. Oh well, disregard this whole thing, then.”
“What?!!”
“You probably won’t want to go back the way you came,” said Murk, ignoring my apoplexy and gesturing towards the slavering baboons beyond the gate. “Take the path I took to get here. It’s a completely separate maze, with no bees and no baboons. You have my word.”
Angrily, I limped out of the clearing, taking the exit Murk indicated. It was a completely straight path, at the end of which I could see the familiar purple paint job of my Hyundai.
Son-of-a-bitch.
Attention Felllow Massholes.
Get a freakin clue!
Now that Murk is finally done attention whoreing like a high school cheerleader who got dumped by the Math Club president.
Check out this site and see if you really support the candidate for G’vnor you think you do, or if you actually support Zombie Jessie Helms (He’s a write-in).
http://www.votebyissue.org/election2006/
.
A Completely Insincere Apology
I am sorry.
Apparently, I offend. Apparently, my schtick is 'old'. and 'no fun'. Perhaps I should write fiction accounts of killing other members and making fun of their ethnicities. Those are funny. BUT, when I put up a joke about how dumb Americans are to believe in a dualistic misconception about science and religion being sworn enemies, it's just too much for some people.
I honestly think that a few members just wish to respond to any nonsense I spout with their superior intellectual high minded ideas and then claim that nothing can be fixed unless we blindly follow their ideas into a quagmire of liberal, one sided, close minded crap.
The problem with the intelligencia of American is that they cannot stand a common sense approach to ridiculing their ideas and showing how sometimes, their facts don't add up. Even when these attacks are deliberately couched in humor to avert the sting to the large egos of these people, they take offense.
Here is my major concern for this sort of knee jerk reaction to my posts. My posts are rarely vehement and largely not directed at any one individual. BUT a few of our fellow and former posters have taken it upon themselves to watchdog my posts and bury them by posting anit-Murk crap claiming all sorts of things, using me as their whipping boy.
Why should that bother me if my posts were jokes to begin with?
1. These attacks were not humorous and were used to further political/personal agendas on a blog which is by invitation only. We appreciate all posts and contributers, but as a founding member who only posts to amuse and rarely to intentionally piss off one particular poster, I find these directed responses which abuse my internet persona and generally give the impression that I am a 'clown' to be a product of misplaced anger.
2. Including my name in a 'discussion' in which one side of an issue is bashed and I am quoted out of context and my intent as a prankster is removed makes me seem like a bullheaded political neophyte who identifies with the extreme right wing and the Bush fiasco. Why am I the only one named in these rants? I don't know. Maybe someone is pissed off at me because they see me as a representation of all the millions of people who could give a shit less about the so called 'progressive ideas' of their chosen liberal set, who have no plan, no leadership and no agenda. In essence, when I satirically voice the mind of the backwater hillbilly redneck Jesus loving Red State MAJORITY, someone assumes it is okay to attack the satirist as if he were truly one of these rubes.
3. My typical defense of yelling CALM DOWN, IT'S A JOKE! is all part of the Dr. Murk defense plan for my idiotic, self indulgent, egotistical, passive agressive persona. I frequently contradict myself, anger people and tell them they are bad for over-reacting. Can you possibly think of anything more annoying? I couldn't, so I use it.
4. Fuck you.
5. It is not mandatory to post to this blog and someone has decided to quit altogether over one little spat which is NOTHING compared to the man handling AV and I gave each other and SpaceFarmer/Captain Paperpants doled out to each other. If that someone cannot handle this, then why did that someone decide to post a whole diatribe defaming me, a fictional character on a blog that obviously was designed to be weird and obnoxious.
This isn't a true political forum.
Dr. Murk is not a real person.
He is here for fun.
If it's not your kind of fun, then don't piss on my shit and tell me I had diarhea.
I'm done.
For all my Jesus Freaks!
If you have never seen Life of Brian, you don't know what you are missing.
That's Life of Brian. This movie was banned in some Scandinavian countries and Blasphemous, imagine that.
I am Malach and I always look on the bright side of life.
Since we all seem to be into jokes
Here's a Halloween one fer ya.
Care of Memere.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart ispounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and. . . .
The coffin stops.
Yeah, oldie but goodie.
And how's this for a Deja WoW?
I am Malach, Mal B. Sure.
Protectin the People, Part 2
HI! IT DOCTER MURK HERE AND DIS POST IS FO TH PEOPLE WHO NEED TO SHADDUP! I WIN THE HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE CLUB AND AM SO SMART. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AN AM HERE TO SAVE YOU OKAY?
DUH, VOTE FOR CANDIDATES WHO DON'T LIKE TAXES! YEAH YEAH! AND UH... UH... PUT YOUR FEET RIGHT ONTO THE FIRE WHEN CAMPING TO GET YOUR HEART WARMER OUT YOU SNARKY!!!
Oh, bah.
I can't do this anymore.
You try to entertain with an exagerated persona, and rant about non-issues and mke up facts and STILL there are some post graduate degree morons with old grudges against people I've never met that insist on bashing me to prove a point. Well, maybe it's time I protected you all from them.
Look, fair readers, there are political minded people who have no sense of humor on this blog that want me destroyed and defamed. They want you to wallow in their cold vulcan intellect, yet buy into their sappy liberal agenda. I must now inform you that this is all crap.
Politics is a dog and pony show, only the dog left after taking a crap, and you are the pony that's eating it. Now the agents of the enemy will post to this blog again and say science and democracy rule!!! BUT, it's all a lie. Lies lies lies. You are all being kept down.
Oh, and let's not forget our faith based sisters who will swear by Jesu's healing hand or their wiccan stone circles that faith fixes everything. They will also tell you Bush is a moron.
Seriously.
Remember when Clinton was embroiled in scandal? It was the same damn thing. Everybody was hypnotized by the political train wreck and buzz word like integrity and honest were thrown about like a child at a Wal Mart family picnic.
Politics, science and religion are all crap.
But hey, what do I care? You want to worship science or pay Jesus to mow your lawn, go right ahead.
There ARE two camps in America. To talk of a huge invisible majority of enlightened and yet religious people is just bullheaded nay saying. Especially when most of you, before I said this, were calling most religious people idiots, and scowling when it was proposed that faith and tolerance thereof might be a good idea.
I am Dr. Robert J. Murk, that is Protecting the Poeple, and if you don't believe me, flip back and forth between CNN and Fox News for a few hours.
Amen and may Sir Isaac Newton bless you all.
The preceding post is completely a freaking joke so calm the fuck down.
In Answer to Protecting the People Part 1
Murk has said there are two groups that are fighting for the hearts of minds of the average person in the national political debate; one based on pure religion and one based on pure science.
This is based on the fallacy that there aren't a huge number, the majority as a matter of fact, of people with a science background who still have some degree of spiritual faith. And that they are not capable of looking at the world using logic while maintaining a compartment of their mind for the emotional buffer that belief in a higher power provides.
That's what you have been led to believe by the media, and popular culture, and by the Religious Right; that you can't have any faith and still be scientific in your thinking. That if you are a proponent of rationality and scientific literacy and secularism that you must be a cold logical unfeeling Vulcan.
Now if all your saying is that there are people on both isdes who are just as extreme, then I say that is about as interesting as staing the sky is blue. What matters is how much influence these two "groups" have relative to each other in shaping the debate.
Seriously Murk, how may scientists have you seen trying to convert us all to pure cold logic and discounting God in all things, other than the occasional and I mean occasional mass market book like that recent silly one by the otherwise brilliant Dawkins. You make the false equivocation that science advocates and religious advocates are the same. How many science lobbying groups are there that are trying to turn the world into a steel gray amalgam of numbers and facts?
Most science advocates don't try to destroy your faith in a higher power, they DO try and push agendas that are based on scientific research such as stem cell research, environmental awareness, and evolution. And they DO use their training to educate the public on what they know, not based on pure dogma but based on actual evidence they and others have worked hard to find. They aren't trying to destroy faith. There is no science based lobby in the government that is trying to get religion banned. Can you make the same claim of religious based lobby groups?
If you say scientists are trying to destroy region by advocating actions based on empirical evidence instead of blind emotion, then the same thing can be said about any group whose job it is to study facts and present a course of action that seems logical based on the facts. In other words; plumbers, accountants, financial advisors, doctors, exterminators, auto mechanics or any other respectable profession. They all are expected by you and everyone else to use their skills and knowledge to investigate a problem and then advise you on the appropriate course of action using empirical evidence instead of blind faith.
If your plumber, after spending an hour looking for the reason why your sink isn't working, comes up and just says "Well looks like you need to pray to God if you want that pipe unclogged", would you follow his advise, or tell him to take a hike and get a real plumber who will use his skills to find the real cause and solution?
If you are going to make a comparison, be honest when doing so. Just because you say two things are the same doesn't make them so.
Of course there are examples on internet discussions of people who push for a complete abandonment of relgion in approaching the world. It can be said that I am one such person. But a few cranky atheistic scientists do not equal a political movement. However, there is a very powerful and active religious based movement in the US and other parts of the world that have used their power to try and destroy logical debate and mold society into one of blind obedience based on nothing more than their particular brand of faith. Our own President has routinely ignored the scientific advisors in the EPA and the FDA and has also publicly put his weight behind teaching creationism to our children in the science classroom, all to appease the religious lobby.
And the tactics of some of those who push for faith based politics are very diiferent from secularists. The Judge who ruled against the creationists in PA has received death threats. How many scientists or advocates of secularism and science do you know are likely to make death threats against those who publicly disagree with them (other than that psychopath Dr. Mantodea)?
I know many scientists who go to church, and I know many atheists who don't know jack shit about science. The world in which a powerful group of Science Only advocates work feverishly to obliterate any trace of religious faith exists only in fiction. The problem we have is that their ISN'T a powerful counter to the Religious Right. If there was such a creature, then we would be in far batter shape. But the battle is decidedly lopsided right now.
Anti-scientific thought has been steadily growing the US for the last couple of decades. In the industrialized world our average citizense are currently only ahead of Turkey in the level of our scientific literacy.
Sweet, Sweet Sacrilege
My thoughts tend to wander before I go to sleep. Sometimes these thoughts are so random that I have no explanation of their origins. For example, I was just about to dose off last night when I sat upright with my head filled with an idea for a movie that will mold the era. It will change lives. It will heal the sick. It will touch MC Hammer. What is it, you ask? Samuel L. Jackson in: Moses
Just imagine how well these two character fit together. I mean, think of all of the quotables that your high school-aged child will repeat ad nauseum:
"Watch this, b*tches, I'ma part the motherf*cking Red Sea!"
"What the f*ck?! That motherf*cking burning bush is talkin'!"
"F*ck you, Pharaoh, let my n***as go!"
"To the Promised Land, motherf*ckers!"
"Mmmm, this is some tasty manna."
"Gather round, motherf*ckers, I'm about to read some Commandments."
"Thou shalt not kill, or I'ma whoop you dumb motherf*ckers."
Sacreligious? Probably, but I have this theory that if I can make this movie good enough and donate most of the proceeds to a church of some sort God will be willing to cut me a deal. Also, it will get more kids interested in Bible stories. Who knows, if this thing kicks off I could start a series. Al Pacino as Jonah? Mel Gibson as the Good Samaritan? I like where this is goin'.
Protecting the People, Part 1
Today I want to discuss something that has been bothering me. I frequently listen to and read people's opinions on politics, faith and science. Generally speaking, there are two very confusing camps.
People with a background in science tend to discredit anything taken on faith. They want empirical proof. If it can't be described in an orderly system, it is discarded. If it flies in the face of scientific theory, it is not only wrong, but stupid and destructive.
People who approach life from the perspective of faith in a higher power tend to rely on their feeling, emotions and intuitions. They consider science to be cold, lifeless and heretical. They have a system based on traditions and teachings they don't quite understand, but trust because it was given to them by people they consider to be messengers of faith.
These two groups love to face off and prove each other wrong or condemn each other to hell. It's more complicated than that, due to the smaller fringe groups and extremists and branches of science as well as differing levels of understanding in both camps. But one thing is constant. Each group believes the other is wrong and feels it is their mission to convert those who don't accept their views.
Why do they do it? Is it a simple matter of satiating their egos? Is it a cover for their fear and insecurity? Are they merely compensating for their own flaws? Did their mommies not hug them enough or too much?
No.
These two groups are the designated Protectors of the People. They are here to save us all with answers they read in a book, heard in church or studied in school. They only wish to serve human kind by proving once and for all that they know the real deal. They are very smart and cool. We should be worshiping them!
If you don't believe in Jesus, you should. They say you should. We all know that science is a bunch of hooey made up by fallible men and women out of a desire to control. Let go and let GOD! Belief and faith are paramount. It's true. Look how happy the faithful are!!!
If you don't accept scientific laws and study everything in minute detail using our super instruments and our big number sentences and formulae, you are a cow worhiping ignorant savage. The Age of Enlightenment was 300 years ago! If there is a God (and there most certainly isn't, because that would admit that science is just a whim of some fictional man with a beard or space creature), He uses science to make everything work and nothing can happen outside of the realm of human influence and observation. Wake up, ya bread eating wetbacks!
You see, they are here to teach us how we are wrong. No no. The two ideas cannot both be true. The world doesn't work that way. What are you, some New Age pothead who thinks science and God can point to the same things? You need help.
They are here to help you. The moral right and sagacious left only want to make you see that you can't possibly think for yourself. They argue so elequently that you must pick a side or be labeled a wacko, a dreamer or worse... a moderate. Accept their help.
I am Dr. Robert J. Murk, and this is Portecting the People.
Public Service Announcement
Don't forget about Daylight Saving Time - turn your clocks back an hour before you go to sleep on Saturday night.
Or, if you want, wait until exactly 1:59 a.m. on Sunday morning, and then, when the clock is about to strike 2:00 a.m., intervene and set it back to 1:00 a.m. Then laugh at all the lesser folk who care so little for precision.
Man, I'm glad I'm not obsessive like that.
Whew.
More Random Shiznit from the Mouth of Malach the Merciless
Sacha Cohen
Malach is a big fan of Sacha Cohen, from Ali G, to Bruno, to Borat, the man is consitenly funny, totally convincing in character, and intelligent. He can mutate himself endlessly, from Jean Girard in Talladega Nights to King Julien in Madagascar. I really cannot wait to see BORAT!
So, I was online looking at his stuff today (check out some of his YouTube vids), and found this freaky strange fact out. Simon Baron-Cohen one of the most famous Autism researchers in the world, is his first cousin. I have met Simon a couple of times, and cannot wait to see him again.
Some plugs.
Stool Sample is coming together. As you know our Reading Room is open and I have reprinted several of Angry Piper's WoW pieces in Tales of WoW. I have just finished redoing the Art Galleries page. Next I will be working on RubberSuit Records. Once again, you have webcomics, fiction, art, music or something like that you want to get hosted, contact me.
Also, I will be redesigning this site, and moving much of the stuff over at Hill - TV here. The hill is becoming Murk's personal site, and TOM, will become a site to host articles, podcasts and other things.
Also, I broke down and opened a Cafe Press account, more on that soon.
I am Malach arial acrobat
For those who forgot to rock.....
Yeah right! Shut up! No you weren't going to rock, you chicken-ass. Just listen to this tune instead.
For those who do rock....you're not even reading this so whatever. HAPPY FRIDAY MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF CUBICLE HELL!!
Holy Crap, I love our stats.
We all know Malach is a statzi. . . .
And by far his favorite stat is Keyphrases. Keyphrases are phrase people type into search engines, and then links here. There were some extra funny ones today.
cleaning the smell out of a backpack - Use Vinegar. Actually it depends what is stinking. Decaying flesh, tough one to get rid of.
escorpions in arizona - Toyi bringing in our Latino readers.
how to dismount from a dragoon - Choas, you want to take this one.
nurse pregnant husband erection coma movie plot - Don't know about you, but this could be a hit.
dakota fanning foot tickle man on fire - Yeah . .. perverts.
how to recognize and avoid douchebags - By far my favorite, even funnier than DAMN! Someone stole my Thetans. So when mulling this one over . . Well, this blog could definitely show you a bunch of douchebags, now avoiding them? Don't come here.
Malach's Rant.
We (the State of Massachusetts) need Deval Patrick as governor. I will tell you why. Patrick has stated, he will take the state surplus and return it to the programs that it was cut from. I am sickof dealing with some of the crap is state services. Why does a kid, who is metally retarded, only deserves 10 hours of service when he comes out of the schools? When I was in MR services everyone got at least 30 hours. I went to a meeting today, and this poor kid and his family can only get 10 hours of services from DMR. This is is mentally retarded, his parents work full time. So now one of them needs to quit their jobs . . .
Vote Deval Patrick
I am Malach, GET IN THE OVEN!
Check This Out
This was so neat I had to share ....
http://snowflakes.lookandfeel.com/
I made a million of them already! *giggles*
~wicked love~
Check this out!!!
This is a very controversial Issue and has people in congress fighting yet Bush found the answer lol
Bush's Substantial Lie
....Today, our Idiot in Chief is going to make a ‘substantial’ statement on Iraq. Hmmmm.
Yesterday, the Idiot’s administration ‘tossed out’ the mantra that they have been using throughout the course of the war: “Stay the Course.”
In two weeks, the 2006 elections take place. All across the country, people will vote, and the voting machines will hopefully not be rigged.
These days, people overall are very displeased with the republican ‘leadership.’ People are not happy with the war in Iraq, with the troubled economy, with the ever-present threat of terrorism.
Now, I’m the first to point out that overall, people are stupid. I mean, hell, we’ve had the Idiot in office for 2 terms. How stupid can people be? But, does the Idiot really think this will work? Folks, do you see what he is trying to do?
Let me spell this one out for you. The Idiot’s administration is hoping to capitalize on the gullibility of the populace and get people back on their team. They do this every election with whatever ‘hot button’ item they can find. They used Gay Rights to win an election. They used Immigration to win an election. Now, as the war in Iraq is the biggest hot button around, Bush figures he can simply change the view of the republican agenda and win back voters. For years people have been telling them that this war was foolish, and its been ‘stay the course’ over and over again. Suddenly, we’re not going to stay the course anymore?
Please. How stupid do they think people are? Folks, they think your as stupid as the idiot in charge! Not that I can blame them, but we can’t let them be right. Don’t fall for this dis-information campaign. Nothing is going to change but some buzzwords. And its all so the republicans can hold on to our government and exploit as much as they possible can for 2 more years.
You watch. At 10:30 EST today, the Idiot will make his bold statement. Don’t fall for it.
Hump Day Jokes
*~*~*~*~*~*
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Winnie and Piglet walked in the forest.
&
Eeyore walked in the forest and saw Piglet lying there without one leg and one eye...
Some Programing Notes
Must See TV.
So, I have been waiting for Heroes to dissapoint me or piss me off . . . I though when the whole "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" crap started that would happen. I can tell you it has not. Every episode, is engaging, twisting, fun, mysterious, and exciting. It is now one of only 3 shows that is required viewing for me (the other two are Battlestar Galactica and Ultimate Fighter, I also try to catch Dr. Who whenever I can but the TV schedule seems to interfere with the kids going to bed, so I miss the first half hour.). You will not be dissappointed.
Last night I saw the documentary The World According to Sesame Street. Beautifully moving documentary on how Sesame Workshop has begin to develop versions of Sesame Street in other countries, produced in those countries, with those coutries cultures tied in. How in a country like South Africa, where 50% percent of the population have HIV/AIDS, that 40% of children have at least one parent who has died from HIV, they introduced an HIV+ Muppet, and in Bangladesh, how this show unites the different faiths, classes, and people. It was amazing to watch hundreds of people in front on one TV to watch the premiers of the Bagladesh version.
One for the kids. My kids are so excited about Class of 3000, so I am I. The brainchild behind this show is Andre 3000 Benjamin of the OutKast. My kids love the Outkast music, I think they are one of the best things in modern Hip Hop/Rap/R&B (BTW, Outkast is my featured artist in my blog for the next few days). The show is about a music teacher (Benjamin) who teaches music to a groups of racially diverse music students. I looks a lot of fun, the animation is very stylish, and the music sounds amazing.
Drew Bledsoe.
Well, there are a lot of Bledsoe haters here in New England. Many relish the fact he is once again being replaced by the younger QB. Drew has basically stated that he will retire if relegated to back up. Unfortunately Bledsoe lives under the shadow of Tom Brady around here, and that is a very hard thing to live up to. But give Bledsoe credit. Kraft, Parcells, and Bledsoe brought the Patriots out from the doldrums and the laughing stock of the NFL. Bledsoe is the second best QB to ever put on a Patriots jersey. I appreciated what he has done, and if not for Bledsoe, there is not 2001 Super Bowl.
Now, as I stated way back here: I just can't wait for Bledsoe's inevitable implosion .
I am Malach and I bring you llamas.
Dinosaurs explained
Here you go morons.
Not only is this well thought out and logically, it is totally true.
Making the Piper's Ass famous . .
Tales of WoW. There a new one up all in the hissouse. Just Another Day at Dr. Murk's House.
The Return of Deja WoW for your face
And for kicks
I am Malach . . . Run Wonder Woman Run!
Helloween post #1: freaks in America!!!
Has anyone seen this yet? This is a great example of uncontrolled mental illness running rampant in America. WE NEED TO HELP OURSELVES!!!
Oh, M&M Show 12? Where art thou?
I found this image of Dr. Murk working in his
recording studio and it made me wonder...
WHERE IS THE FUCKING
PODCAST YOU PROMISED US!??!?!
DAMN! A Honkey Stole My Thetans!
What the Hell Does that Mean.
So here I am checking the stats for my website , and I delve into my favorite section . . . searchphrases. Now I get some weird search phrase, many having to do with Jesus, strange fetish porn, feces and such. Some of my favorites include:
what does it mean when i have black bugs in my stool?
Jesus having sex porn
jeter is a fag
smack my ass and call me charlie
Most of these can be logically understood . . . Stool Sample and Stool Sample Webcomics, JesusMan!, Fat Bug, and my Blog generate most of these weird search hits. Well today, this one knocked me off my chair:
DAMN! A Honkey Stole My Thetans!
Where did that come from? Man, wouldn't that be a good name for a TV program?
Speaking of TV Programs.
Cartoon Network has some interesting superhero ones. Beyond their awesome series Justice League (Unlimited) , which has been running for several years, and replays of both Ultimate Avengers movies, they have a new series, The Fantastic Four. Interesting, the series has gotten quite a bit better as the series has advanced. The characters have also developed to be a little less sterotypical, and the plots have become entertaining, almost typically F4. The series which I rated 6 out of 10 initially has worked it's way up to a 7.5 or 8.
Now this weekend, Saturday October 28th, CN will premiere Hell Boy at 9:30PM. Like the Ultimate Avengers, this is another straight to DVD release, but unlike Ultimate, it will first premiere in CN. It looks, the little that is available, very good. So catch it.
You have no idea my power!
WATCH AND UNDERSTAND!
I am Malach, aka Heck Boy who is popular on the Internet.
Lambs to the Slaughter
Run from the Gun.
When the CRACK of the .50 caliber split the air, the Angry Veteran just happened to be looking at Spacefarmer; his usual look of derision suddenly changed to shock as the exit wound sprayed blood and organ all over poor Just Me. The spray of the exit wound went South, so the gunner must be north. Before he had consciously processed this information, AV was already in a full sprint to the South. The picnic was being held in a clearing with a tree line about 1500 meters to the north and about 1000 meters to the south.
One thousand meters - one klick. His only chance to survive was to run that one klick before the gunner could take him down. He ran a full sprint, bent at the waist to reduce his silhouette and keep from exposing his head. Just make it to the tree line. Even if he was injured, most body shots, with today’s technology, won't be fatal - just avoid the headshot. Get to the tree line without a headshot; then make it back to that logging road and call for help.
While everyone else panicked, Dr. Murk laughed out loud and began slowly walking to the northern tree line. He adjusted his hat and stroked his beard as he ambled forward. "Yes! Yes! That is the way my sweet little honey bear! Kill them if you can! Kill them all! YES! ALL!"
CRACK, slickslick
A second shot rung out. Pooh loved that smell; the smell of gunpowder. The smell of the first round that burns off the ever so light coat of oil that maintains the barrel in storage. The sound of a perfectly cared for bolt sliding in its tray. The feel of the bolt handle in his paw, pulling back and pushing forward with just the right amount of steady resistance. "Ahhhhh. So smooth. Do you see, Piglet, how they run just like mice? Except slower and with so much noise. Now you know why our home is such a peaceful and wonderful place. None of them. No Bloggers."
Choas Dragoon lay lifeless next to SpaceFarmer; their massive exit wounds played silent tribute to the power of the rifle and the marksmanship of the Pooh Bear.
CRACK, slickslick
AV was running at a full sprint. "Don't bring your shield, they said. It's going to be a nice friendly picnic, they said. Come and just relax and enjoy the party, they said. No one will ask you to read a book, they said." Luckily, he heard the third shot, so he knew it didn't hit him. Well, he knew it didn't kill him, anyway.
Just Me and Toyi had made the awful mistake of trying to help their two fallen fellow contributors. They had both rushed over and tried to stop the bleeding, but no application of pressure is going to help when your heart has been shot out of your chest. Both of them now lie lifeless on the comrades they were trying to save.
"Two-fer!" Pooh exclaimed as he looked up from the scope and reloaded. He turned and explained to Piglet; "I got two of them with one shot! They just lined themselves right up on top of the first two. Tell me this isn't more fun than PoohSticks!"
Pooh settled back down and lined up his next shot. He had a dead bead on the back of some oblivious fool, but before he could squeeze the trigger a skirt came into his view. Piglet saw Pooh snap his own neck back and vomit over the right side of the rifle stock. That had been no skirt; it was a kilt. And when the wind lifted it up and filled the scope with its awful contents, even the battle scarred Pooh could not keep his hunny down.
Wiping the bile from his lips, Pooh returned his focus. “That will leave a mental scar” he murmured to himself.
CRACK, slickslick
Malach’s exposed buttocks went limp as he fell onto the vinyl mat. A pool of blood slowly poured out off the shiny polystyrene and into the thirsty prairie grass. The grass would be well watered today.
CRACK
Hojo now had a posthumous appreciation for the quality of Canadian military equipment. Pooh, however, knew that his 5 round magazine was empty and it was time to reload. In a smooth, easy motion, Pooh slid the release with his right paw and pulled the empty clip out with his left paw. A fresh clip was taped upside down to the spent one, so he simply turned it upside down and pushed the fresh clip back up into the LRSW. 5 more rounds of AMAX Match .50 cal was ready to go.
slickslick
“We believe the sniper is over there,” the Helpful Critic pointed out.
CRACK, slickslick
CRACK, slickslick
“It’s not polite to point,” Pooh cautioned as the Helpful Critic was sprayed across the lawn chairs they had brought.
“I can’t see anything much from here” said Piglet. “All I can see are the ones up and the ones down” Piglet announced with a frown. “Look in the box – you’ll see a little scope, like this one, but on a small tripod; go ahead and take it out. It’s a spotter’s scope – you’ll like it. And while you’re in there, be a great friend and get me some more of these double taped magazines. The ones with the blue tape, not the red tape.”
CRACK, slickslick
Otis Serungis said about as much in death as he did in life.
CRACK, slickslick
“What, I thought I already did this guy?” Captain Flak Paperpants lost his head for the final time.
CRACK
Dr. Jen would find no pill to cure this ill. Someone else would be picking up a shift at the Pharmacy this week.
Piglet handed Pooh a fresh double magazine and it was loaded while Piglet set up his spotter’s scope.
slickslick
“Oh! I see! I SEE!” squealed Piglet. “LOOK! There is a big green shiny one that’s almost made it to the trees! Pooh – what’s this little red number in the corner?”
“The spotter scope has a built in laser range finder. That number is the distance in meters to the target. What number on the green one?”
“It says 1230, wait, 1240, wait, 1250…”
“Got it.”
CRACK, slickslick
Dr. Mantodea, well, this currently inhabited clone body, exploded like a water balloon full of jello. He was going to be pissed when he woke up in clone body 12 back in the lab.
“YES! NICE shot! Well placed!” shouted Dr. Murk as he looked back and admired the scene of mass slaughter – especially the spectacular shot on Mantodea. “What are you doing?!” Angry Piper yelled out; his mind finally clear of the alcoholic haze.
“Exactly what I want to be doing. You have escaped one of my death traps for the last time.” Dr. Murk tilted his head ever so slightly in the AP’s direction and gave, what the AP thought, was a slight bow. The full realization of what was happening, and who was responsible, hit the Angry Piper the same time the bullet did.
CRACK, slickslick
Murk watched as a mixture of blood and Guinness poured from Piper’s belly. A look of disbelief, and then shock washed over Piper’s face as he dropped to his knees. He reached both his hands out, as if to try to strangle Murk, but the vision of Murk became blurry, faded, and then black. The Piper was no more.
Dr. Murk’s laughter could be heard in between the authoritative CRACK of gunfire and the sickly slickslick sound of a bolt sliding back and forth over the next few minutes as Crumb, Fury, Shimmer Love, YPG, AutoC, and Palmer all fell to the deadly aim of Winnie the Pooh. One could hear the small, precious voice of Piglet calling out directions and ranges as the last of the contributors left in the field were cut down.
Vultures began to circle high in the sky as Dr. Murk approached the grassy knoll where Pooh and Piglet lay. Piglet was picking up the large brass casings and diligently stacking them in the box. Pooh would be hand packing fresh rounds tonight.
“Well done my hunny suckle friend! Well done! I am not one who is easily impressed, but you, sir, have the brilliance of a true master. You are an artist, and I, a well satisfied patron.”
“Blood makes the grass grow,” Pooh said as he brushed off his shirt and stood up. “But it doesn’t pay the bills. The bounty is as we discussed.”
“Oh yes, and worth every drop” Murk assured him; and handed him a key.
The logging road was desolate, the vehicles of the contributors all there, empty, right where they were left. But there was one delivery truck there that wasn’t there before. The Angry Veteran approached it, looking for traps. Satisfied that there were none, he went around back and saw the back doors were padlocked.
Then, the AV noticed something else. Quiet. The gunshots had stopped. He quickly went over to his star spangled red, white, and blue Harley Davidson and reached into the saddlebag. There, by the compass, was his crowbar.
Popping the padlock off, AV unlatched the cargo doors and swung them open. The cargo hold of the delivery truck was full of clay jars marked “Hunny” with one of the “N’s” written backward.
“MURK!” AV screamed to no one who could hear.
AV waited and sure enough, Dr. Murk came into the clearing of the logging road.
“I see you enjoyed our little picnic more than everyone else” Murk said with a grin and tone of self congratulation.
“You are a sick, sick man. You almost got me killed back there – what the hell was that all about?”
“They all began to bore me. Their posts, they did not please me. I have assembled a new crew of contributors. For consistency sake, I shall assign the internet personas of all the dead contributors to this new crew. To the casual reader of the WoW, there will be no disruption. It was just a long needed pruning, old boy.”
“What about me? You almost got me killed!”
“Well, we both know, if you aren’t fit enough to survive one little sniper ambush, you certainly aren’t worth the payroll, are you. The contract specifically states that I may test you at any time without warning.”
“You just make sure the checks keep coming.” AV was about to continue, when he heard the soft “whopwhopwhop” of a low flying helicopter in the distance.
“Another test” AV asked.
“Oh no!” Murk chuckled; this is our ride home. “You don’t’ think I’m actually going to sit through an entire drive all the way home, do you. Please.”
Sure enough, a small black helicopter landed in the clearing. “You take too long, fat man!” Mrs. Dr. Murk screamed over the whirling rotor blades and motioned for the both of them to get in. Murk strapped himself into the co-pilot seat and AV took his position on the door gun.
A cooler full of Diet Coke and Coke Blak was tied down to the floor, and slices of apple pie were ready to eat.
"I love pie," Murk smiled through a mouth full of crust and baked fruit.
Kate Winslet Finds Herself 'Fascinating '.
Newsboys News Agency
London England
In a recent interview with Newsboys News Agency, Kate Winslet summed up her acting career in two words, 'utterly unstopable'. The girl from Titanic, Winslet is set to be the voice of Juliet in in the animated joint of Miramax Studios and Sir Elton John's Rocket Pictures, Gnomeo and Juliet.
"It's true," Winslet said, in her over done British accent, "I'm stunning. Quite fabulous, in fact. Right. Now then, now then!"
Winslet's agent, Poof Doc MeGregory Allen Smith-Waddel, admits, "She has really nice tits." MeGregory Allen Smith-Waddel also contends that her portrayal of Juliet is 'refreshing', 'complex' and 'moody to a fault', but that he adores her bosoms and hopes to make lots of money and to one day touch her.
"I'm the reason Leonardo DiCaprio is gay, " Winslet confesses. "After me, there were no women for him. I discarded him and continued on with my career. Fascinating."
Winslet is best known for her roles in Hideous Kinky and Flushed Away, but her fans complain that critics never recognize her less well known, but horribly fantastic roles in Titanic and Fining Neverland.
"It's utter rubbish," said Santa Peppers Moneo, vice president of the Kate Winslet fan club, which Winslet herself runs from her own bathroom on Sundays. "Kate is future-r-r-rific. It's total bullshit and we refuse to accept this award." Moneo was later hospitalized for minor burns, but was released and placed on suicide watch.
"I can't even watch me sometimes," Winslet said, sobbing, "Do you know how difficult it is to see me in the mirror every morning? How can I live up to my own reflection every day? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?"
When asked about her future plans, Winslet could only say that they are "enormously important and life altering" and that she intend to "crank up the super stunning dynamo of amazement that is me. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
Why no posts yesterday?
Huh?
Well Blogger went Kablooey for most of yesterday, sorry. It is up today. I noticed the Angry Veteran has a draft waitng to be published . . . it is interesting and funny. AV, copy, delete it and make a new post so it will appear above this one.
For you Orbit fans.
CO:TCG.com is starting to develop. It is going to be a fun long term project, perhaps a bit of a recreation of Cartoon Orbit, a bit MySpace thrown in, article about online games, perhaps a unique game, and more. I am working with Chris, the brains behind the Massive Cartoon Orbit Archival Project. I believe our goal is host his site at CO:TCG for free, were started last night by loading over 9000 orbit .swf images onto the site. Stay tuned.
I am Malach signing off!
Stool Sample is proud to present . .
The Reading Room
Our new hosted fiction directory. It is now up. Along with the long running, but little update Lying . . . is two new series. Choatic Thoughts presents the fiction and fanfics of our own Choas Dragoon. Already up is his X Men fanfic Armageddon. Additionally, and relatively soon (maybe tonight) the Tales of WoW will be up, reprinting the classic stories of the WoW by the Angry Piper. Follow my feed for updates.
UPDATE AND EDIT
Tales of WoW is now loaded. I put up the WoW Family Picnic, parts one and two, as I feel this is a good intro to the characters, the rest to come at a later date!
I am Malach and that was just the Mother of all quickies, but I got a second wind.
No Picnic: Trespass on the Hundred Acre Wood
"Oh, bother" said Pooh as he watched the very strange picnic that was taking place right here in a favorite field in the Hundred Acre Wood.
Piglet stood by his side and wondered aloud: "How do they not notice the fires they started and all our small animal friends they have scared away?"
"Bloggers" said Pooh, "Bloggers don't notice anything but hit counts" and a very sad, determined look washed over his normally smiling face. Piglet noticed the change on Pooh's face and decided to imitate it - so as to fit in. "What can we do" he asked in an oh so serious voice.
"The only thing we can do; unless we want all of hundred acre wood to be overrun by more of them. You know how Owl keeps the wood from being overrun by mice? That's how."
Piglet was confused. He gave a tug and pulled on Pooh's shirt and whispered, even though no one else was around to hear. "How are you going to swoop down and gobble them up? You don't have wings like Owl and those Bloggers are too big for your mouth. Look at that one - he must be as big as a hundred jars of honey!"
Piglet was right, of course. "You are right, of course." But swooping and eating wasn't what Pooh had meant. "But I wasn't meaning to swoop down and eat them." With this, Piglet was extremely confused; Pooh had just said he was going to be like Owl.
"What I mean, Piglet, is that like Owl ends the threat of the mice, I will end the threat of the Bloggers."
Minutes later, Pooh was returning to the grassy knoll that had a clear view of the "picnic." Piglet was anxious to find out what Pooh had in the long box he was carrying. The two lay down in the tall grass and Pooh opened the box. Piglet had never seen anything like it.
"What - what is it?" Piglet was confounded.
"It's a gift from a friend in the Canadian Military" (Pooh thought back to an old friend, but wasn't sharing his thoughts with Piglet.) "It's a Long Range Sniper Weapon ("LRSW") and was adopted by Canadian Forces from the McMillan Brothers .50-cal. Tactical Anti-Material Sniper Rifle System in April of 2000. The LRSW is modified for Canadian Army use with a movable cheek piece and shortened bipods, and is fitted with a 16x Leupold optical sight. See, the cheek piece and the bipods are perfectly adjusted for me." Pooh smiled widely.
"What! Where did you get such a thing? How do you know how to use it? What is going on Pooh?!" Piglet was very upset.
"I told you, a friend gave it to me. And of course I know how to use it. Haven't you noticed, Piglet, that there are never any hunters or poachers here in Hundred Acre Wood? Why do you think that is?" Pooh's eyes glinted and then relaxed as he pressed his brow to the optical sight.
"These Bloggers, they're even worse." The big soft pad of Pooh's finger rested gently on the trigger. His breathing was slow and regulated, so that his chest would not rise or fall and disturb his 1500 meter shot. A soft steady pull and a piercing CRACK echoed through the field as birds took to flight and a body fell.
The hot, empty, .50 caliber brass ejected smoothly as Pooh pulled back the bolt and loaded another round into the chamber (slickslick). This time, as he looked through the sight, he saw Bloggers running, screaming, and looking around in bewilderment. Except for one, who seemed too busy sitting and rocking back and forth on a vinyl mat. He would be next.
Pooh grinned. "It's a very special day for us in the Hundred Acre Wood."
Oh I think its too late for me lol
Hey check this out lol extra small sizes well why is this so funny to me? well I've always been a slim girl, most of my father's side family have extra high metabolism and so we tend to be skinny.
Acording to TV images, I had the Idea that US girls were very slim, yet in ES I had no trouble finding cloth of my size (short but) cause after all in CA you walk a lot and people tend to be within a reasonable size, just to tell you that the biggest bra in ES is a 38C despite the over sizes you find here in US.
Well then I was told that I was coming to US, I thought YEAH!!! That will end the short leg issue, because that was something I had to deal big time on ES, pants fits me but they are short..
I come here and by my surprice things were backwards, I had the biggest trouble ever finding my size, finally I walked into a GAP store and found jeans that fitted right (Including the long leg issue) I was like WOW YEAH BABY, the jeans cost me $40, oh I was devastated cause I made numbers and realized that with $40 I could eat an entire month in ES lol well I got home, my brother was with me, family says "so did you find jeans?" I said "yes well at least I have a butt that I am always proud of you know", my cousing pulls them out and laughs "AHAHAHAHAH size zero AHAHAHAH, the entire family laughs, I said well it'll have to do lol but I admit that I hated that only expensive stores had my size, I complitely hated it, few months later I come very happy and say eh eh I am not size Zero anymore lol my cousing ask so what size are you now? I said I am Size 1... he goes AHAHAH she went from size zero to size 1 AHAHAH, after few years I have gained some muscle playing soccer and I have gone up few more sizes... but I was just reading this article and I think.. uhm this is a little late for me, but yeah I mean WHO WILL FIT INTO THESE CLOTH, I mean? o-0
The WoW Family Picnic: Part the Second
When we last left our intrepid WowWees, they were all assembled at a picnic, enjoying the food, conversation and company, when lo and behold, their idyllic retreat was interrupted most shockingly by the theatrical arrival of the man known only as…Crumb! Crumb points his accusatory finger at The Angry Piper like a rigid member, accusing him most heinously of being a complete fraud!
(Oh, and Hobbs von Wackamole was brutally killed. Whatever.)
Crumb: As I began to state in the previous post, you, “Angry Piper”, are nothing more than a pretender! A player! An actor! You, sir, are the tom-fool and the merry-andrew! The harlequin and scaramouche!
~Fury~: Scara-what?
Dr. Murk: Scaramouche. A character from the Commedia Dell’Arte. Also featured in the book of the same title by Rafael Sabatini—
Angry Veteran: I never read that.
Dr. Murk: —and in the song Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen.
Just Me: Wow. You’re a smart fella.
Dr. Murk: It’s called a PhD, you goddamn beatnik.
Crumb: Silence! I am telling you morons that in real life, The Angry Piper is nothing like he pretends to be online!
Shimmer-Love: Pfauugh! I just realized I hate mustard! So what about the Piper not being who he is online: that’s kinda the whole point, isn’t it?
Dr. Jen: Well, he’s not completely different…
Angry Veteran: He’s much worse.
Toyita: And yet I steel love heem, Senhor.
~Fury~: I can barely stand his company.
A rock, thrown from somewhere, hits the Angry Piper in the head.
Angry Piper: Ouch! Jesus! Who threw that?!!
Mrs. Dr. Murk: (unseen) Hate you, Angry Pipah!!!!
Crumb: Fools! He pretends to be Scottish!
Dr. Murk: No, he doesn’t. He keeps telling us he’s Irish. We just ignore him.
Angry Veteran: I can tell you he likes books much more than people. And he is Irish. I can vouch for that.
Crumb: Not as Irish as me. Erin go Bragh! Cead Mile Failte!!! Brits out of Ireland! 26+6=1!!! Get out ye Black & Tans!!!! See?!!! I can name any Pogues tune in one fucking note!!! I‘m so goddamn Irish, every shit I take is green and stamped with a shamrock and Arthur Guinness’s signature!!!!
Choas Dragoon: You should see a doctor about that. Seriously.
Dr. Jen: Don’t look at me.
Crumb: He probably doesn’t even play the bagpipes!
~Fury~: Actually, he does.
Crumb: Look at him! He’s not even angry!!!
Angry Piper: True. I’m fairly indifferent to this whole conversation. Could you hurry this up? (looks at Toyita) I’m about to seal the deal here.
Toyita: Si. Hurry up, crazy shouting man.
Shimmer-Love: I’d call you more cynical than angry.
Angry Piper: Thanks, hot stuff. When I’m done rocking this chica’s world you’re next on my list.
Shimmer-Love: Can’t wait.
Crumb: He only wears a kilt because he thinks it’s a skirt, and he’s a big fairy!
There is murmuring assent.
Malach: Well, I’ve been saying that for years.
Dr. Mantodea: Look, Crumb, the point is that none of us (except Malach) are exactly as we are in real life. For example, I do not truly look like a mantis. I wish I did, because I would be better looking, but I don’t.
Angry Veteran: I don’t dress like Captain America (in public). And I don’t work as a lackey for a shadowy organization or an eccentric billionaire.
Dr. Murk: (loudly) Of course he doesn’t! That would be ridiculous! Ahem…while we’re on the subject…my facial hair is fake. There. I said it.
Just Me: And Dr. Murk’s wife isn’t really a cold-blooded Asian assassin.
Dr. Murk: Actually, that part’s true. As any of you who have eaten the apple pie will soon discover. Hope none of you made any evening plans.
YPG: Still want some pie?
AutoC: Nope.
Helpful Critic: We are far from helpful. And we don’t think Hobbs von Wackamole is really an old man. One need only look at his corpse— wait a moment…where did he go? He must have lived and made his escape while we were talking!
Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!!!
Angry Piper: Son of a BITCH!!!! You’re on borrowed time, Hobbs!! BORROWED TIME!!!!!
Dr. Jen: Well, I AM a doctor. Really.
Palmer: And I do love feet.
Just Me: If I may say something…
Choas Dragoon: Pfauugh!! I just realized I hate your foot wine!
Just Me: Whatever. I didn't really make it. I just remembered I don't drink. Anyway, I think that having an Internet persona allows us the freedom to say and do things we would not normally do, and have fun while we’re at it. You see? Look at the Angry Piper over there…he and Toyi seem madly in love. Yet in real life, Toyita is nowhere near plump enough to satisfy the Angry Piper’s big girl fetish, and he is nowhere near moral and religious enough to satisfy her…um…religion fetish.
Angry Piper: True. But it doesn’t stop me from romancing Toyi by singing like Tony Bennett… (singing)
You know I’d go from rags to riches…
If you would only say you’d care…
And though my pockets may be empty…
I’d be a millionaire…
Hojo: Wow. That even sounded terrible just reading it.
Toyita: I survived a war. I can deal with hees horrible seenging.
Suddenly, Malach stands up, brushing a multitude of foodstuffs from his clothing, and clears his throat.
Malach: I have something to say…
Angry Veteran: Think he’s going to sing “Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord” again?
Dr.Murk: Don’t worry. He ate the pie. He won’t get halfway through it.
Malach: The Wand of Wonder is a multi contributor freeform blog. Contributers range in different personalities, political leanings, ethinicities, and religious ideals. Like a Wand of Wonder, you never know what will come out.
(soft orchestral music begins to play)
When I first hatched the idea for the WoW, I envisioned a place where intelligent and creative people could all come to share ideas and philosophies without fear of repression, judgment or censorship; where our combined creativity would be a force the likes of which the Internet has never seen!
(music builds)
Instead, I got all of you.
Despite this, we get an insane amount of traffic. Every day, new people arrive and see the Wand of Wonder for the first time. We are growing, much like the Angry Piper's gut and self-hatred.
(music builds)
And it does not matter if at the WoW we wear different faces than our true faces. It does not matter that we, for the most part, do not know each other in the flesh. All that matters is we continue to be productive. That we inspire others to join our forum and contribute. And that all of you—and in time, many more—will continue to arrive, bowls empty and waiting to be filled, like Oliver Twist, saying, “Please, sir, may I have some more?”
Angry Veteran: I never read that.
Otis Serungis: Anyone else notice Malach got way more eloquent all of a sudden?
Malach: The Angry Piper, for all his flaws (and there are far too many to list here), fulfills a role at the WoW. As soon as I remember what it is, I’ll let you know. Yes, he may be hideous to look upon. Yes, he may enjoy “Sharon Stoning” us way too much in that kilt. And yes, he is most likely not all he claims to be. But…he is our Angry Piper, and we love him.
(Music ends. There is much applause)
Dr. Mantodea: Speak for yourself. I hate the fucker.
Just Me: Just what is your problem with the Piper, anyway, Crumb?
YPG: Yes. It is bad karma to be so upset.
AutoC: You will be reborn carrying the burden of your envy. And now I must go and contemplate my navel.
Just Me: Why all the negative energy?
Crumb: (sobbing) He…he….he has a much cooler name than me!!!!!!!
Hojo: True. “Crumb” doesn’t exactly conjure images of greatness.
Malach: It does not matter. Pathetic though your name may be, you are welcome here. Now come, Crumb, wipe away your tears and join the WoW fold. Embrace me.
Crumb: Isn’t that kind of gay? You’re wearing assless chaps.
Malach: Yes. It is.
---end---
Art Shell leading Raiders to perfect season!
There is always an excitement in the air when a team starts off the season with a perfect record. At week six in the regualr season, the citizens of Raider Nation are feeling that excitement.
It's true, thanks to Art Shell and his unbelieveable team, the Raiders are at a perfect 0-5 start to the season. No game has been spoiled by a victory; and it looks like Shell is going to be able to make it last all season long.
Some fans don't want to "jinx" the propsects of a perfect season by "talking about it" - so few Raider faithful were willing to talk about what is surely on everyone's mind. This type of superstition is not uncommon in sports, so it can certainly be respected.
Just know that there are many of us out there who are rooting for you to have your perfect season. Go Raiders!
Billy F'n Buckner
The Mood of Red Sox Nation.
We are coming upon the 20th anniversary of one of the most heartbreaking moments ever in Boston sports history. The 20th anniversary of this
If you have a heart condition or homicidal/suicidal tendencies view at your own risk. This was probably the highlight/lowlight of the Curse of the Bambino. A rolling grounder, that a high school player could field to lose game six, and game you were one out away to winning the Series . . .
This play has been analyzed and over analyzed, and yes, Schiraldi has as much blame for this as Buckner, but Buckner has become the symbol. Buckner, with is busted ankles, and average glove, should not have been in there, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Well, their is some new information brought to light by ESPN's Page 2. Evidently, after reviewing some pictures of Buckner for a 20th anniversary article about the play, someone noticed something. A picture of Buckner leaving the field, after the play, glove removed from his hand . .
That's right my fellow Nation Members. He was wearing a Cub's batting glove on his fielding hand under his glove. He was doubly cursed. Read more on Page 2's Uni Watch.
I am Malach and Bill Buckner, I forgive you (2004 has made us soft).
Armageddon
A fanfiction by Choas
We know not of the year. All time was discarded during the Revolution. All we know is that the rebels won. This all happened before I was born. 5 years to the date of the elimination of the old government.
The Revolution was started by one man, the one who we thought was powerless after that battle over the Leech. He fooled us all, we thought he was powerless after a great coup de grace that left his army scattered and dismayed. At first they were right. He was left powerless, his vast powers depleted. But he recovered, and his powers grew to unfathomable levels. He has been called the reincarnation of Hitler. But unlike Hitler, he had succeeded in his mass genocide. He has always believed his race was dominant. And from what he accomplished, he has unmistakably proven his belief. The lord of all that is live and dead is named………………………………………………………...….Magneto.
My father was a mighty general of Magneto’s army. I’ve never known is human name, but his mutant name is known by everyone, he’s almost infamous as Magneto himself. He is the Juggernaut. His mutant power is that he is invulnerable of the body.He could not be harmed or even feel pain. His momentum in battle made him impossible to beat physically in anyway. He could get no sickness. He did not age and he donned a helmet that made his mind invulnerable too and was created by Magneto himself. He could ricochet a rocket and be completely unharmed, but his confidence and ego grew to levels larger than Magneto’s powers. There was no surprise, he was the rebel’s hero. He had become royalty. And so had I. Magneto had no children, so my father was next in line. But he was killed in his sleep when I was 3. He had became so arrogant, that he no longer worn his helmet, and was assassinated by a member of a group to bring down Magneto. They were stopped hours after his death.
My mutant powers aren’t all that powerful. They are more convenient than anything. I have complete control of an alternate dimension that is a complete void. With a simple push or slap of my hand, I can teleport anything to the void, and it stays there till I make a backhand notion, then anything I want comes out of the vast void. I of course have many things in there, and I myself can go into the void. When in the void, if I push my way out, then I can teleport anywhere known to my knowledge. I’m a general now of the army, which basically means I do nothing all day, except boss around everyone and get a gigantic salary. I do wish for some excitement. Only if the X-Men could be resurrected somehow. But they are gone and will never come back………………………………….