A couple of really fucked up emails.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

OK, these emails just came into my Inbox from a classified source. Enjoy:

From: NAME AND ADDRESS REMOVED
Sent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 10:04 AM
To: Captain Flak Paperpants
Subject: BIG Date

Sometimes after my first BIG COFFEE and can of duster in the morning, I like to wrap myself up in a false blanket of personal grandeur and think of myself as a true ladies man. It’s just a way of keeping on my toes in case some woman is actually thinking about bedding down with me for the night. So, how does the Dr. J prepare for a big date? First things first; I am very superstitious, so I must have a hearty breakfast of BIG COFFEE and Ka-Boom brand cereal. Then I take a shit, for lack of being able to hold in all the caffeine and fiber. I will wipe my mud butt and then instinctively smell all my fingers just to make sure I didn’t drag one of my fingernails through my shit-stained ass while wiping. I will only wash my hands afterward if did indeed cake the underside of my nail with dookie, or if I get the feeling someone I encounter today will ask to smell my hands for some reason. I’m so nervous for this date tonight I will decide to skip work and hide in some stranger’s crawl space. I will remain there until 5:00 when I hear the Schotz Brewery whistle blow. I then get in my car and head home, while driving 80+ mph, listening to Paul Anka, and rubbing the exterior of my prostate gland. Just for good measure, I’ll smell my finger again, as you can never be too sure if the dude at the toll booth will ask to smell my hand. What’s with these fucking weirdos? Smell your own hand bitches, that’s why the animal gods gave you 2 of them. After getting home, I will apply Lectric Shave to my entire body and commence with the hair removal. Everything goes, except the tuft of hair above my man-meat, in the shape of a Scottish Claymore. By this point I’m so infatuated and aroused with the look of my smooth, glistening body I end up masturbating over and over again until I pass out and don’t wake up until the next morning. I must admit, I really haven’t had a date in 3 years, but I was embarrassed you would think I’m a putz and unable to get laid. Want to smell my finger?

From: NAME AND ADDRESS REMOVED
Sent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:48 AM
To: Captain Flak Paperpants
Subject: BIG time.
Importance: High

I do have an incredibly busy day ahead me; nevertheless I must recess from my work load to tell you about something that has been bothering me for a long time. I’ll cut right to the chase. You are guilty of it, as well as every other soul I seem to meet in this world. I’m talking about everyone’s unwarranted criticism of………………BIG COFFEE. Everyone should know by now I have an open, giving relationship with my BIG COFFEE. However, what most are ignorant to is I also have several meaningful friendships with BIG COFFEES belonging to other folks. Of course, I am somewhat partial to my BIG COFFEE, but I will oftentimes go out of my way when I see someone holding a BIG COFFEE I’ve never seen downtown before to say, “Hey BIG COFFEE, welcome to Naptown. Haven’t we met before; possibly at the Mitch Daniels roasting a few years ago?” I keep this upbeat relationship with other BIG COFFEES even if I’m not so fond of the person holding said, BIG COFFEE (usually because they are not the same color as I and personally don’t believe other races are responsible enough to care for a BIG COFFEE, given their track records at raising their own kids). Personal differences with BIG COFFEE handlers aside, I just have to set the record straight about not only my BIG COFFEE but the BIG COFFEES of others as well.

What BIG COFFEE is not: a way to gain acceptance from your parents for being a rump wrangler. the answer to David Hasselhoff’s prayers. a small coffee (and never will be, no matter how much you belittle it). the worthy scapegoat of all that crappy stuff going on over there in Iroc (I still can’t believe they named a country after my dream car) with them there crazy sand people (but it is capable of depressing the ‘launch’ button on a surface-to-air nuclear device).

What BIG COFFEE is: the perfect compliment to a bagel smeared with Nutella. something to keep my left hand warm in the winter with the snow coming down, while my right hand is jerking me off to the beat of Phil Collins’ Against All Odds. something you should ever look at the wrong way because it will instinctively launch itself out of my hand and explode all over your face. the holder of fabulous jewels and treasures long-thought forgotten.

The time has come to set the record straight before I die of Scoliosis.