The Bailout did not pass!
What did Malach tell you? He outlined his bail-out plan at ROYTERS but did all those jerks in Congress and the White House didn't listen? Read it, it was a foolproof plan! Call your Congressman, there might still be some time!
So now, Malach brings you the end of the world as you know it, but I feel fine. Before the internet goes off the air, read this. Before they fire up that Death Machine the Large Haldron Collider, read this. It is Mad Max time, and Malach, who has seen all the movies and watches all the survival shows, he has a plan.
First, get some guns, use the last of your money to buy an arsenal, and make sure you overstock the bullets, cause a few years from now you gonna wish you had more bullets. Next armor, make you own from leather biker outfits and football equipment. Go here, and print out everthing you would need to know about emergency and first aid. Finally soup up a car and mount weapons on it, your gonna do a lot of travelling.
You will want to avoid cities, and head for Wal-Mart first, they got all your supplies. Keep a large supply of water purifiers, canteen, jerky and such. THUNDERDOME IS COMING! Be prepared, you might have to eat you family, surprise them when they sleep, they will never no what hit them. NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC! Money will mean nothing once the world goes to shit, but now it will mean everything. Don't pay any bills, a year from now it won't matter.
Now if you are one of those religions types, you reveling in your glory. "See it was in the Bible", finally after 2000 years, it finally relates to the text for onces, but you be dead rotting in the ground, walk Malach will be stalking the countryside, finding happiness in the flowers of the fields and he blows away some mutant with a sawed off shotgun.
Now is the time to learn magic . . . someone out there knows all the secrets, beat it out of them! That old man down the street, he is a rich wizard, get him before he gets you. Soon R'yleh will rise, and our souls will be devoured!
Heed my advice little ones, the end is near!
I am Malach and I incite panic!
How to survive the collapse of the World Economy.
Zangief Back With Vengeance!
Hello Amerikanskis!
So many things to tell, Zangief not know where to start! Zangief back at last from long World Tour of Street Fighters! Zangief fight Rubber Band Man Dhalsim. Zangief stretch him out long and thin like linguini noodle then use him as jump rope. Don’t worry about Dhalsim. He bleed a little, but he bounce back. Zangief wad him up in ball when done.
Get it? Zangief make joke!
Even though Zangief lose to Ken’s Flaming Dragon Punch (again), Zangief get some mad bitches, yo! Zangief knock boots with many Street Fighter groupies. They bleed a little when Zangief done, but they ok.
The other day Zangief go to Zangief’s friend Malach the Merciless’s house with Zangief’s other friend The Angry Piper. Angry Piper say he want to pay Malach a surprise visit, and Zangief love surprises! Zangief and Angry Piper find Malach in small building behind Malach’s house. Malach call it his “art studio”. Angry Piper knock on door. “Open up,” say Angry Piper.
“Uh…who’s there?” Malach’s voice come from behind door. He squeak like female mouse.
“It’s me, Piper,” say Angry Piper.
“Oh…uh…hold on a minute,” say Malach. Zangief tired of waiting, so Zangief grab doors and pull them open. Zangief tear doors off hinges by accident! “Surprise!” Zangief yell.
Inside, Zangief find out Malach is true artist! Malach hard at work painting three naked men! All three scream in fear of Zangief and try to climb over couch, but all are covered with slippery oil and fall down in big pile on floor like Keystone Cops!
“Ho Ho Ho!!!” Zangief laugh.
One of Malach’s naked friends poke head up from behind couch. “Holy shit—it looks like the Russian has a huge papaya down his shorts!” he say.
“Oh, Christ,” say Angry Piper. Then naked men giggle like girls. Zangief consider giving them all Spinning Piledriver, but that might damage Malach’s painting, so Zangief decide not to.
“Why didn’t you call first?” Malach scream at Angry Piper.
“Because, Malach,” say Zangief, “Angry Piper want to surprise Malach!”
“Surprise,” Angry Piper say, not sounding excited at all. He cover eyes with hands. “Uh, maybe we should leave Malach alone with the Pet Shop Boys here, Zangief.”
Just then Zangief see something very cool. Zangief see bullwhip sitting on chair, and think of American hero Indiana Jones, who is really just ripoff of old Russian hero Slomensk Petrovitch! Zangief grab bullwhip and almost drop it, handle so greasy! Then Zangief pretend he is Slomensk Petrovitch and start whipping like crazy! Malach’s naked friends try to run away, but they so oily all they do is fall down over and over. One even start crying. It so funny!
“Ho Ho Ho!!!” Zangief laugh again.
Soon Zangief lose grip on bullwhip and wipe greasy hand on chest hair. Malach’s naked friends slip and slide out the door.
“Please don’t tell anyone about this!” Malach beg Piper and Zangief.
“Okeydoke!” Zangief give Malach thumbs-up sign.
“Whatever,” Angry Piper say. He still covering eyes.
Zangief think Malach not want to reveal naked masterpiece painting until it finished, so Zangief not tell anyone. After all, Zangief love surprises!
Hey Dubya, Bail My Ass Out
With Dubya poised to bail out poorly run companies to save the US economy (sounds like Dubya's previosu business life), Malach busted out his massive brain and has a better solution. Bail my ass out. You want to prevent a long term recession (what Hell has been going on the past 4 - 5 years anyway?)? What is our piss poor economy effecting the Upper half now? So now we need to do something about it?
Malach has a better plan, BEHOLD THE POWER OF MALACH . . . what would it take to bail out Malach? About $265K. That is much less that $700billion Dubya plans on spending. So that got Malach thinking. Instead of bailing out these companies why not bail out every American? There is an estimate 304Million Americans. 25% of those Americans are under 18 that leaves 228million Americans. Give each of them $250K, that comes out to $57trillion. What would happen then? Let see, the wife and I would both get $250K, we would pay off our debt, invest a large part of it, and maybe by some investment property, and of course go on a shopping spree: right back into the system. Most Americans would pay off their mortgages or BUY HOMES (wow, that would solve another problem), pay off their debt and then go on a spending spree. How much money would be put right back into the economy? If I had no debt (I don't use credit cards, my debt basically consist of a car loan, a mortgage, and a school loan), I would be pumping money into the economy like Gary Glitter pumps his man juice . . . well you know where I am going here.
So where we gonna get this all this money? Well the government deals with pretend money they don't have anyway. Hell, if the bail out is costing $700billion, and the Iraq War has cost us $600billion, you see where I am going here? Again that money would be tossed right back into the economy . . . Hey if were are going to practice socialist capitalism, lets go all the way. How about Universal Health Care?
Oh and John McCain. Suspending your Presidential Campaign? You do realize the President has to multi-task right?
So Malach is here outside the Capital Building trying to get in there to testify about his plan, but I keep getting stopped by guys in suits. Every so often a Congreeman goes buy and I get little words for conversation like "Thuderdome" and "Master Blaster". I'm scared, and now I have to wait until Spring to be destroyed by the Large Haldron Collider . .
I am Malach, and I WANT MY $250MILLION
The Heist- Day Two
So, Day Two of the largest robbery in human history didn't go especially well for Bouncing Ben Bernanke and Henry "The Hood" Paulson on Capitol Hill today, although it is looking more and more as if Congress may ignore the will of the American people and actually give the bastards on Wall Street their blackmail for screwing the economy. The Shrub is going to address the American people tonight and tell you all that this is an emergency- just like the invasion of Iraq was.
How do you know when GeorgeFuk is lying- ?? You all know the answer to that...
I urge everyone to write and call their congressman and tell them to "just say no".
John McCain, down nine points in the polls overnight, suddenly wants to stop Friday night's debate and have both presidential candidates suspend their campaigns. Huh? But he's not done- McCain says we need a "bi-partisan congressional committee" to negotiate a bail-out deal with the Treasury.
Well, excuse me, Senator McCain, but last time I checked we had a "bi-partisan" committee looking at the deal- it's called "Congress". What McCain really means is that it's easier to strong-arm 20 people than 435. Fuck you, Senator McCain.
Maybe what Congress needs is more bars. I know, I know, many Congressmen have a reputation for being "lit up", but apparently the English Parliament is even more dedicated in that regard. There are 17 bars in the House of Commons building, and if you want to get sense out of many parliamentarians you had better catch them before lunch. A correspondent on NPR told the following tale this week-
A well-known English politician, having had an especially "liquid" lunch, went to an official function afterwards and spotted a shapely figure in a wonderful, flowing purple gown. When he lurched over and asked for the next dance he was rebuffed-
"Firstly" said the object of his affection, "this is a diplomatic reception, not a dance party."
"Secondly, that is not a waltz, it is the Brazilian national anthem."
"And lastly," he was told coldly, "I am not some chorus girl, I am the Archbishop of San Paolo!"
Please, call your Congressperson again and tell them to "JUST SAY NO!"
UPDATE: There are nationwide protests Thursday. Please, for the sake of us all, and your children and grandchildren, we MUST say NO!!!
Tell Your Congressman-
Last Thursday Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson got Congressional leaders together and gave them a message- give Wall Street $700 Billion dollars now or the entire global economy will go belly up within a week.
Today he told Congress that unless we give Wall Street $700 Billion dollars now the American economy may suffer a recession.
Hmm- that's QUITE a change of story.
TELL YOUR CONGRESSMAN - JUST SAY NOOO!
TELL YOUR CONGRESSMAN - JUST SAY NOOO!
TELL YOUR CONGRESSMAN - JUST SAY NOOO!
TELL YOUR CONGRESSMAN - JUST SAY NOOO!
TELL YOUR CONGRESSMAN - JUST SAY NOOO!
Just Say NO!!!!!
Last Thursday Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson got Congressional leaders together and gave them a message- give Wall Street $700 Billion dollars now or the entire global economy will go belly up within a week.
Today he told Congress that unless we give Wall Street $700 Billion dollars now the American economy may suffer a recession.
Hmm- that's quite a change of story. and pardon me for pointing this out but, as far as the working person goes- we're ALREADY IN A FUCKING RECESSION.
I'm proud to present the following message from the American public to Treasury Secretary Paulson and all the Wall Streeters who are currently salivating at the thought of having $700 Billion taxpayer dollars to play around with, no strings attached-
Our Message:
Fat fucking chance. You guys have spent the last decade playing fast and loose with the rules, the economy, and even fundamental logic. You discovered that you could create new financial "instruments" faster than the government could regulate them, and then discovered that the government had no intention of even trying to. You discovered that you could make billions off the staid, boring old mortgage market by bundling mortgages, chopping and dicing them, and re-bundling them as "investment-grade" bonds, and then insinuating them into every sector of the economy so that the entire thing would be harder to unravel than the world's largest ball of rubber bands.
You let your street pushers, the mortgage brokers, know that you'd buy -anything- *wink* *wink* that they brought in. You bought those mortgages knowing that your pushers had lied to a bunch of the lendees, telling them that adjustable rate mortgages were actually fixed rate. You bought adjustable rate mortgages that you knew had been sold with the assurance (which you knew was worth nothing) that before the rate went up they could be re-financed at a lower rate, and then you bundled and sold those mortgages on the basis that they would give a rate of return based on the original, adjusted higher rates.
In other words, you and your minions, you and your street pushers, sliced and diced the mortgage market, the economy, and hundreds of thousands of home-owners, and you made billions and billions in profits for yourselves while you were doing it. And now, having brought the economy to the brink of collapse for your own selfish gain, you're threatening to push it over the edge of the cliff if we don't pay you not to.
So here's what we're going to do- first, you can have the fucking money, but there's a price to pay. To begin with, we now own you. We're not giving you money, we're buying you with it. You and your firms belong to us now.
Second- you're fired. All of you, from the top CEO to the last secretary. Ever hear of common responsibility? You have 24 hours to clean out your desks.
Third- those of you at the top, don't go too far, because you're going to be prosecuted for fraud. Your bank accounts, portfolios and property all now belong to the US taxpayer. You can't profit from a crime, remember? So everything you have belongs to us now. Don't worry, you won't need it- you're all going to spend the next 20 years in prison.
So, you think this is harsh, do you? Listen up, fuckheads- you're damned lucky that thousands of middle-class Americans are not descending on Wall Street right now with torches, burning your fancy-ass Republican banker's skyscrapers to the ground and pulling you out of the smoking debris so that we can beat you to death with manhole covers.
So show us a little fucking gratitude, fucktards!
Message over.
CALL OR EMAIL YOUR CONGRESSMAN NOW-
TELL THEM THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO PAY $2500 TO WALL STREET NEOCONS FOR THREATENING TO SEND OUR ECONOMY INTO THE DUMPER.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST FRAUD IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
TELL THEM NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Murk is Malach show is now up!
That's right, the Murk and Malach Show is back!
Murk and Malach present Show 20, The Murk and Malach MidSummer Nights Dream! In this show we discuss the 2008 Summer Olympics, Mixed Martial Arts, Spaniards, homosexuality, cheap wine. and once again NO ANGRY PIPER (well not really)! We get on a roll about movies, and read your letters. Listen to us wax poetically about politics, and a very special interview, someone who has been missing for a few years now. A fellow WoWee! IA! IA! CTHULHU FTHAGN! COME GET RACIST WITH US!
For a direct link to the mp3, click me!
I am Malach in the waiting room
Occasionally Saturday Night Live still brings it
I am Malach and I am trying to convince Tina Fey to make a McCain/Palin YouPorn Vid.
Sarah Palin Doesn't believe in Dinosaurs
Don't mind me buckos, just whoring myself out right here!
Sarah Palin Doesn't Believe in Dinosaurs!
by
Malach
Create a personalized tshirt online at Zazzle
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I am Malach and the internet makes me feel like a whore!
Hello, Birds 'R Us???
WASHINGTON—People calling a federal phone number to order duck stamps are instead greeted by a phone-sex line, due to a printing error the government says would be too expensive to correct.
The carrier card for the duck stamp transposes two numbers, so instead of listing 1-800-782-6724, it lists 1-800-872-6724. The first number spells out 1-800-STAMP24, while the second number spells out 1-800-TRAMP24.
People calling that second number are welcomed by "Intimate Connections" and enticed by a husky female voice to "talk only to the girls that turn you on," for $1.99 a minute.
Malach's 08' - 09' NFL Preview
It is back once again, I know you missed it.
Malach's 08' - 09' NFL preview is brought to you today by ROYTERS New Service your place for the news you need, and Branwe, the new fiction series from Christopher Morris. It is also brought to you today by Meet The Heroes.
Before we begin, I must invoke the name of Hastur the Unspeakable; Hastur will assist Malach in his domination of his Fantasy Football League, because no one knows Fantasy Football like the King in Yellow.
Right to it now, it will be a very interesting year, let's break it down by Divisions:
AFC EAST
The AFC East should once again be dominated by the New England Patriots. While there is some improvement in the rest of the division, only the Jets with their addition of an actually quarterback will be the only other team to finish in the playoff hunt. Miami is still a major work in progress, and when a pot smoking guy whose taken a couple years off is you main offensive weapon, you know you got problems. The Bills might surprise a few teams, but they are still no more than a .500 team. Now the Jets, even with a old Brett Favre they have a major improvement at quarterback from Spaghetti arm Chad Pennington, that alone might allow them to win around 10 games, but Favre has never played smashmouth style AFC Football, and he will probably toss a number of interceptions. As for the Patriots, they also have some issues. The loss of Asante Samuel will hurt, but the pickup of Deltha O'Neil will give them a playmaker they are sorely lacking in the secondary. The part that concerns me most is their O-Line, which has some major injuries to starters. Returning are Sammy Morris and the addition of Lamont Jordan should help with that though. The Patriots also have an every easy schedule. The final standings?
NE: 12 - 4
NYJ: 10 - 6
BUFF: 8 - 8
MIA: 6 - 10
AFC NORTH
Very interesting division with a number of teams that could challenge or fall flat. Pittsburgh is the cream of the crop in the division, not a ton of changes there, and Rothlisberger is now a season removed from that Hell Ride he had; and has become one of the best QB's in the league behind Brady and Manning. Hines Ward, though older is still a very good wide receiver, and Pitt has not lost really anything that important on a pretty impressive offence last year. Their defense as always will be tough and very physical. Cleveland is very interesting. I am not convinced Derek Andsersen is a long term answer for the Browns at QB, and I wonder how long before Brady Quinn begins to take the reins of this team. Look for a high flying attack like last year, and a slight stiffer defense. The Bengals, the NFL's Prison Team: again no defense, they will be in shoot outs the entire season, and until they get rid of Marvin Lewis, the won't go much farther than the first round of the playoffs. The Ravens? Their defense will keep them in most games, but with a new young QB, and age really starting to show, this could be a lost season for them.
PITT: 11 - 5
CLE: 10 - 6
CIN: 8 - 8
BAL: 7 - 9
AFC SOUTH
After the Colts, there is a real drop off in talent in this division. Indy might end up the best team in the AFC this year. Like Brady, Manning is coming off a strange injury, and they might start with a few hiccups. the loss of Jeff Saturday could be big at first, but the Colts should survive and take this division by a few games. Jacksonville is a bit of a puzzle. They have major O-Line issues, and with the way their offense runs, that could be very dangerous. They also couple of key losses on defense, but should still have the physical stingy defense of past seasons. It will also be interesting if they use shooting of Richard Collier as a rallying point. After that we have Houston and Tennessee. The Titans should take another step forward, and this is the time for Vince Young to make another leap. They are still the team no one likes to play, but they have to translate that into wins. Houston on the other hand, well it's Houston.
IND: 13 - 3
JAC: 10 - 6
TEN: 9 - 7
HOU: 3 - 13
AFC WEST
San Diego is the darling of the media right now, and addition last year of Chambers actual gave them a viable Wide Receiver, but I am not convinced. Yes, they will probably take the division a particularly weak division, but Phillip Rivers is the guy that would concern me, I am still not convinced. Addition Shawn Merriman is and idiot for trying to play on the injuries he has. As for the rest of the division, Denver is the only other team, and they only have a very slight chance to make the playoffs. KC might be the worst team in football, and the Raiders, the Raiders have a good defense, and that is it.
SD: 11 - 5
DEN: 9 - 7
OAK: 7 - 9
KC: 2 - 14
NFC EAST
This is gonna be fun to watch, you have 4 teams, all who are pretty good, all who could contend. Dallas is still the team to beat, even with the Giants Superbowl win. They have the most talent, and I hate to say this, Romo could turn into a elite level QB this year. Overall very talented team, with no real weaknesses beyond the head coach. Malach does predict that Wade Phillips won't be back next year, and depending on preformance might get fired halfway through. Dallas has a huge advantage playing in the weak NFC but they are hurt by playing in the toughest division in football. The Giants. It will be interesting to see if they can come off their Super Bowl win with out a let down. Eli Manning is still a questionmark, he needs to improve his interceptions for the Giants to come close sniffing the division title. Defense again should be very tough up front, and they should at least on paper challenge Dallas for the division. Philly is should be ready to resurface and win a number of games this year. McNabb finally seems to be healthy and Brian Westbrook has turned into a elite runnning back. There is still a lot of question of who the hell McNabb will be throwing too though. Unlike much of the rest of the NFL, Philly has a very good secondary, and a more questionable D-line, LB package. And finally we get the Redskins. Someone has to come in last in the division and Washington is the most likely, though they steadily improved last year. I like Jason Campbell, but he needs to turn the corner this year.
DAL: 11 - 5
NYG: 11 - 5
PHI: 10 - 6
WAS: 9 - 7
NFC NORTH
Wow, what a mediocre division . . . there is no impressive team, nor really bad team. Mediocrity. Yuck, I don't even have anything smart to say about it. Well maybe I do, the division winner probably won't deserve to make the playoffs.
DET: 9 - 7
MIN: 9 - 7
CHI: 8 - 8
GB: 7 - 9
NFC SOUTH
The Saints are easily the best team in this division and since Gustav did not blow away the Superdome they have a home field. The Saint's issue is defense, they will get into a lot of shootouts, most of them they will win. Beyond that Tampa Bay might put up a little stink, Carolina still doesn't have a QB, and the Falcons? I kind of fell bad for Matt Ryan, he gonna take a beating this year (yes, he will be the start by mid season).
NO: 11 - 5
TB: 9 - 7
CAR: 7 - 9
ATL: 3 - 13
NFC WEST
Like the South, Seattle is best team here, and should have no issue taking the division, beyond the Seahawks, you have a mediocre and old Rams team; a Cardinals team unwilling to turn the team over to Matt Leinart, but with some real talent; and 49ers team, the should be up and coming but still a few players away from making real noise.
SEA: 11 - 5
STL: 9 - 7
ARI: 8 - 8
SF: 6 - 10
As for a Superbowl winner, I gotta go with a pissed off Pats. Sorry rest of the world.
I am Malach, and I am usually right one on this preview.
Hey Geeks
Arkham Horror
One of the the triumverate of geeks, Malach, the Angry Piper, and Dr. Murk's Favorite game is Arkham Horror. And just to show how geeky we all are, I post this for my Geek Brothers. Images from the original version, circa 1987.
I figured you might enjoy those friends . . .