An Interview With a Vampire... no... Mel Gibson

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Interview conducted by Dr. Robert J. Murk via Skype Chat feature:

Dr: Mel Gibson. How are you doing tonight? As opposed to last night?

Mel: Actually, it was morning. I was drunk, in jail and embarrassed. Tonight I'm sober, in deep shit and embarrassed. Looks like I was better off before. At least I was drunk.

Dr: You're Australian by birth.

Mel: Right.

Dr: Can we really be expected to hold being drunk against you seeing as how you're Australian by birth?

Mel: Nope. It's not my fault.

Dr; Were you so drunk you thought you were Austrian and not Australian?

Mel: Look, I only hate the Jews when I'm drunk or awake. Let's move on.

Dr: When was the last time you slept?

Mel: During the advanced screening of Lethal Weapon 3.

Dr: What about during The Man Without a Face?

Mel: I... got kicked out.

Dr: Why?

Mel: I kicked a baby on the way in.

Dr: Were you drunk?

Mel: I'm always drunk. And I was dressed as William Wallace.

Dr: But... Braveheart wasn't even written then.

Mel: Yeah, your a smart guy eh?

Dr: I am.

Mel: I wrote your life.

Dr: You're crazy.

Mel: And I play with doo doo for fun.

Dr: I am upset. I loved Braveheart. I loved you.

Mel: Three times in one night, if I remember right.

Dr: But this is too much. What has happened to you?

Mel: Jesus got a hold of me. He's still mad at the Jews and he makes me drink all day long.

Dr: This is pretty inflammatory.

Mel: My doctor said to take the antibiotics and the swelling would go away. He lied.

Dr: Do you have syphilis?

Mel: I'd like to think so. I screwed some pretty skanky trannies in Thailand.

Dr: You mean Detroit?

Mel: Yeah, Detroit. That's it.

Dr: Is it true you once tried to sex up a cabbage?

Mel: No. A Cabbage Patch doll.

Dr: That's hurting.

Mel: What? I signed those stupid adoption papers. It was mine. I can do that if it's mine.

Dr: I hope you don't have any pets.

Mel: Not live ones. Not anymore...

Dr: Mel, is it true that your entire career has been a series of phenomenal success followed by social faux pas and misery?

Mel: I... I like my mittens.

Dr: Let's cut right to the chase. No pun intended. Why, if you were drinking, did you even get behind the wheel of a car and go for a drive? Can't you just get drunk and hate ethnic groups without endangering lives by drinking and driving?

Mel: I could. But why? What would be the point? You know, I could bake a loaf of bread, take a dump on it and hire a male prostitute to eat it while I played the violin, but would that make me Charlie Chan?

Dr: You're drunk again, aren't you?

Mel: Yeah... but listen. It doesn't mean that I don't mean what I'm trying so hard not to say! You went kinda nuts in '76 and we all just smiled and figured it was the coke and the hookers, but we all forgave you.

Dr: I was two years old.

Mel: Yeah, and you're all grown up now. And ten times as sexy. Shame on you and your self righteous search for the truth. You think life is as simple as beating up on a guy when he's drunk and hating Jews, but life comes in three flavors, my friend. Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla. Just because no one wants to eat the vanilla doesn't mean I can't tell a bean from a brink, ya froogmanger!

Dr: You mixed the booze with pills, didn't you?

Mel: It was baby aspirin. St. Joseph's baby aspirin and Flintstone vitamins, you cockring!

Dr: I'm looking for a graceful way of getting out of this interview without you trying to kill me.

Mel: It's not possible. Just say bye and wait for the cold cold steel of my knife, asshole.

At this point, Dr. Robert J. Murk signed off, moved to another state and watched Braveheart for the last time. There are some who say he cried at the end.

So long, Mel. Thanks for ruining the one movie that made me feel like death might bring about redemption...

Murk.