The Secret Life of the American Family

Monday, July 20, 2009

The laundry never gets aired but every family has weird crap. In speaking with a cross section of people from all ages, shit gets weird when family is involved. The normal vision of a family is a fabrication. Families are never normal. Some are cut throat corporate style families, some are like cults, some like secret clubs, others like dictatorships.

And oddly, the more normal the outward facade, the creepier the innards. The Murks have a very open media style of public relations. everyone knows we're nuts and we pay a social price for that. But when I examine the secret lives of other families, I see that oh my fucking GOD are they twisted. The less you see going wrong, the more they seem to have hidden.

I used to laugh at the old cliche made for TV movies. People ain't like that, I'd think. Families in my view were more like sitcoms. Brash blabbermouths and idiots acting out their inner oaf daily while the neighbors looked on in disgust. But NO!

Those neighbors, the normals? They be fucked up kids! They pull the blinds and bury the bodies in the woodshed. What, I made like 1/3 of a century before I got the inside scoop that Mr. and Mrs. Apple Pie are secret necrophiliacs or pill poppers or sadists. I mean, I saw some weird families growing up, but I assumed I just got lucky and saw ome cool dirt, but hey man, it's everywhere! WOW!

All the old sayings about people seem to be coming true, much to my dismay and delight. I'm dismayed because I swore anyone older than me was dumb, but I'm delighted to know that they were right but they're FUCKING CRACKED homey!

Ever watch cops and wonder where they find these people? THAT'S US!!!! Holy hot fucking shit balls! That's what we really are and we just make everything seem prettier in our minds so we don't feel like swine rolling in shit.

Keep an eye open and watch even the highbrows go trailer park. Open the eyes and see it.

Why am I bothering to post this? Dunno. I honestly thought the human race had some nobility. But no! Joy! We're all just grunting shit processing machines with bad teeth and acne! Now that is awesome. Indeed, sir. Indeed.

This Just In...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

You suck.

Nope. I'm dead serious.

We've all been discussing it and we're pretty sure that you blow, bite the big one and are indeed grodie to the max. It's because we care about you that we let you know. Most of your other friends are too busy hitting on your significant other to even take notice.

Why? You never post here anymore, and when you do it's stupid self indulgent me fuck stuff of gayness, except for the chick who posts the humpday jokes. Now those are good. But everyone else... you're a lame piece of lame cake with a glass of douche baggity sauce on the side.

The solution? Post some cool shit for the people, todos! Bing! Problem solved. You get your hair back, your dog back, your house back and your half back. In short, you will be cool again... or at least we'll pretend you are so you can get back to feeling like you're worth something.

The Uravelling of M

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Let's get one thing straight again... you all suck. Well, now that the pecking order is established:

1. Murk
2. Angry Piper
3. Everyone else

let's get down to business. Brass tacks as they say. I want y'all to bear one thing in mind. The whole blog circle we had going was awesome. Truly spectacular until one fine fated day... it fell apart. That parting coincided with the demise of one Dr. Robert J. Murk. Look it up, fagzilla. It was growing when I had an active hand in it. Now, it is dead. Why did I leave?

You. You people. Self important, arrogant lime suckers. I did everything for you. Then, you claimed I wasn't needed. Oh, oh, Murk you're too negative and bombastic and hairy-sexy-o! You make us want to leave! So shut up and make us stars! And I did. But you all fucked up. You pretended it was YOU who made traffic bump up here.

Na na. Na na na. Twas me, fuckers! Eat that.

And I will bring it all back. Watch me.