The WoW Family Picnic: Part the Second

Thursday, October 19, 2006

When we last left our intrepid WowWees, they were all assembled at a picnic, enjoying the food, conversation and company, when lo and behold, their idyllic retreat was interrupted most shockingly by the theatrical arrival of the man known only as…Crumb! Crumb points his accusatory finger at The Angry Piper like a rigid member, accusing him most heinously of being a complete fraud!

(Oh, and Hobbs von Wackamole was brutally killed. Whatever.)

Crumb: As I began to state in the previous post, you, “Angry Piper”, are nothing more than a pretender! A player! An actor! You, sir, are the tom-fool and the merry-andrew! The harlequin and scaramouche!

~Fury~: Scara-what?

Dr. Murk: Scaramouche. A character from the Commedia Dell’Arte. Also featured in the book of the same title by Rafael Sabatini—

Angry Veteran: I never read that.

Dr. Murk: —and in the song Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen.

Just Me: Wow. You’re a smart fella.

Dr. Murk: It’s called a PhD, you goddamn beatnik.

Crumb: Silence! I am telling you morons that in real life, The Angry Piper is nothing like he pretends to be online!

Shimmer-Love: Pfauugh! I just realized I hate mustard! So what about the Piper not being who he is online: that’s kinda the whole point, isn’t it?

Dr. Jen: Well, he’s not completely different…

Angry Veteran: He’s much worse.

Toyita: And yet I steel love heem, Senhor.

~Fury~: I can barely stand his company.

A rock, thrown from somewhere, hits the Angry Piper in the head.

Angry Piper: Ouch! Jesus! Who threw that?!!

Mrs. Dr. Murk: (unseen) Hate you, Angry Pipah!!!!

Crumb: Fools! He pretends to be Scottish!

Dr. Murk: No, he doesn’t. He keeps telling us he’s Irish. We just ignore him.

Angry Veteran: I can tell you he likes books much more than people. And he is Irish. I can vouch for that.

Crumb: Not as Irish as me. Erin go Bragh! Cead Mile Failte!!! Brits out of Ireland! 26+6=1!!! Get out ye Black & Tans!!!! See?!!! I can name any Pogues tune in one fucking note!!! I‘m so goddamn Irish, every shit I take is green and stamped with a shamrock and Arthur Guinness’s signature!!!!

Choas Dragoon: You should see a doctor about that. Seriously.

Dr. Jen: Don’t look at me.

Crumb: He probably doesn’t even play the bagpipes!

~Fury~: Actually, he does.

Crumb: Look at him! He’s not even angry!!!

Angry Piper: True. I’m fairly indifferent to this whole conversation. Could you hurry this up? (looks at Toyita) I’m about to seal the deal here.

Toyita: Si. Hurry up, crazy shouting man.

Shimmer-Love: I’d call you more cynical than angry.

Angry Piper: Thanks, hot stuff. When I’m done rocking this chica’s world you’re next on my list.

Shimmer-Love: Can’t wait.

Crumb: He only wears a kilt because he thinks it’s a skirt, and he’s a big fairy!

There is murmuring assent.

Malach: Well, I’ve been saying that for years.

Dr. Mantodea: Look, Crumb, the point is that none of us (except Malach) are exactly as we are in real life. For example, I do not truly look like a mantis. I wish I did, because I would be better looking, but I don’t.

Angry Veteran: I don’t dress like Captain America (in public). And I don’t work as a lackey for a shadowy organization or an eccentric billionaire.

Dr. Murk: (loudly) Of course he doesn’t! That would be ridiculous! Ahem…while we’re on the subject…my facial hair is fake. There. I said it.

Just Me: And Dr. Murk’s wife isn’t really a cold-blooded Asian assassin.

Dr. Murk: Actually, that part’s true. As any of you who have eaten the apple pie will soon discover. Hope none of you made any evening plans.

YPG: Still want some pie?

AutoC: Nope.

Helpful Critic: We are far from helpful. And we don’t think Hobbs von Wackamole is really an old man. One need only look at his corpse— wait a moment…where did he go? He must have lived and made his escape while we were talking!

Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!!!

Angry Piper: Son of a BITCH!!!! You’re on borrowed time, Hobbs!! BORROWED TIME!!!!!

Dr. Jen: Well, I AM a doctor. Really.

Palmer: And I do love feet.

Just Me: If I may say something…

Choas Dragoon: Pfauugh!! I just realized I hate your foot wine!

Just Me: Whatever. I didn't really make it. I just remembered I don't drink. Anyway, I think that having an Internet persona allows us the freedom to say and do things we would not normally do, and have fun while we’re at it. You see? Look at the Angry Piper over there…he and Toyi seem madly in love. Yet in real life, Toyita is nowhere near plump enough to satisfy the Angry Piper’s big girl fetish, and he is nowhere near moral and religious enough to satisfy her…um…religion fetish.

Angry Piper: True. But it doesn’t stop me from romancing Toyi by singing like Tony Bennett… (singing)

You know I’d go from rags to riches…
If you would only say you’d care…
And though my pockets may be empty…
I’d be a millionaire…

Hojo: Wow. That even sounded terrible just reading it.

Toyita: I survived a war. I can deal with hees horrible seenging.

Suddenly, Malach stands up, brushing a multitude of foodstuffs from his clothing, and clears his throat.

Malach: I have something to say…

Angry Veteran: Think he’s going to sing “Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord” again?

Dr.Murk: Don’t worry. He ate the pie. He won’t get halfway through it.

Malach: The Wand of Wonder is a multi contributor freeform blog. Contributers range in different personalities, political leanings, ethinicities, and religious ideals. Like a Wand of Wonder, you never know what will come out.

(soft orchestral music begins to play)

When I first hatched the idea for the WoW, I envisioned a place where intelligent and creative people could all come to share ideas and philosophies without fear of repression, judgment or censorship; where our combined creativity would be a force the likes of which the Internet has never seen!

(music builds)

Instead, I got all of you.

Despite this, we get an insane amount of traffic. Every day, new people arrive and see the Wand of Wonder for the first time. We are growing, much like the Angry Piper's gut and self-hatred.

(music builds)

And it does not matter if at the WoW we wear different faces than our true faces. It does not matter that we, for the most part, do not know each other in the flesh. All that matters is we continue to be productive. That we inspire others to join our forum and contribute. And that all of you—and in time, many more—will continue to arrive, bowls empty and waiting to be filled, like Oliver Twist, saying, “Please, sir, may I have some more?”

Angry Veteran: I never read that.

Otis Serungis: Anyone else notice Malach got way more eloquent all of a sudden?

Malach: The Angry Piper, for all his flaws (and there are far too many to list here), fulfills a role at the WoW. As soon as I remember what it is, I’ll let you know. Yes, he may be hideous to look upon. Yes, he may enjoy “Sharon Stoning” us way too much in that kilt. And yes, he is most likely not all he claims to be. But…he is our Angry Piper, and we love him.

(Music ends. There is much applause)

Dr. Mantodea: Speak for yourself. I hate the fucker.

Just Me: Just what is your problem with the Piper, anyway, Crumb?

YPG: Yes. It is bad karma to be so upset.

AutoC: You will be reborn carrying the burden of your envy. And now I must go and contemplate my navel.

Just Me: Why all the negative energy?

Crumb: (sobbing) He…he….he has a much cooler name than me!!!!!!!

Hojo: True. “Crumb” doesn’t exactly conjure images of greatness.

Malach: It does not matter. Pathetic though your name may be, you are welcome here. Now come, Crumb, wipe away your tears and join the WoW fold. Embrace me.

Crumb: Isn’t that kind of gay? You’re wearing assless chaps.

Malach: Yes. It is.

---end---