The scene: A beautiful and sunny autumn day. In a field in the shade of a small hill, blankets have been haphazardly arranged, upon which sit several small groups of people. Conversation is animated and lively; there is much food and drink and general merrymaking apparent. A picnic is underway.
Blanket #1
Malach: (spewing potato salad) So, I’ve got this great idea for a new webcomic. The Erotic Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Pretty cool, huh?
Hojo: Dude, chew your food. And no; you’d get sued.
Malach: That rhymes!
Otis Serungis: What kind of sick bastard would find Winnie the Pooh erotic?
Hojo: Are you kidding? He only wears a shirt. No pants. He’s begging for it.
Malach: That’s what I’m talking about!
Hojo: And he’s always getting stuck halfway through a window, hanging his ass out for anyone to walk by and take a big whiff. That’s called “presenting” in the animal kingdom.
~Fury~: You guys are sick, you know that?
Blanket #2
Shimmer-Love: Pass the mustard. So, I was thinking about collecting all my hump-day jokes into a joke book.
Angry Veteran: I’ll never read it.
Shimmer-Love: Whatever. Pass the mustard.
Angry Veteran: Don’t rush me, blondie. I can end you.
Dr. Jen: I’m a doctor. Just felt the need to remind everyone.
Atop the Hill
Two men sit in the lotus position, wearing only loincloths. They seem to radiate an inner peace, benevolently gazing upon the picnic below.
AutoC: Dude, can you believe this bullshit?
YPG: I know. We’re from the second most populous country in the world, and the assclown writing this post is resorting to stereotype. Why not just stick a flute in my hand and put me in front of a basket with a snake in it?
AutoC: At least he didn’t put us behind a convenience store counter. Malach would have done that.
YPG: What’s with this rice and water crap? Look at all the food down there! Does this ignorant douchebag really think we’re swamis or something?
AutoC: I don’t know. But I want some of that pie. I can smell it all the way up here.
Blanket #3
Helpful Critic: Dr. Murk, we pronounce your wife’s apple pie to be without flaw.
Dr. Murk: Damn straight, you pretentious, pluralizing prick.
Just Me: Hey, Doc, where is your wife? I wanted to meet her.
Dr. Murk: Oh, she’s nearby. Somewhere close. She could kill you in seconds, you know.
Just Me: …right. Well, I was just wondering if anyone wanted some of this granola I made from all natural ingredients. Or perhaps some of this wine I stomped with my own bare feet?
Malach: (from Blanket #1) Foot wine! Gimme some!
Dr. Jen: I’ll have some too. I love wine. Almost as much as I love being a doctor.
Choas Dragoon: I’m underage! Give me some wine!
Palmer: Me too! I have to have some! You see… I … love feet.
Dr. Murk: As you know, I’m off the booze, which is why I’m sitting so far from the Angry Piper. Well, that, and because he smells like bagpipe seasoning and beeswax. But I assure you, even if I was going through the DT’s, I wouldn’t drink your foot wine, you dirty hippie.
Just Me: Your loss. Where is the Piper, anyway?
Palmer: He’s over there, getting drunk with Dr. Mantodea and hitting on Toyi. She has nice feet.
Blanket #4
Toyita: Oh, Senhor Piper…your legs in this keelt are so beeg and strong…
Angry Piper: I know. I’m so glad we brought Dr. Mantodea with us. He’s keeping the ants away.
Toyita: Si. Senhor bug-face is good at that. I am glad he is also keeping away the escorpions.
Angry Piper: Do not worry, my spicy Latina goddess. There are no scorpions here.
Dr. Mantodea: Here's a novel idea: why don’t you both kiss my green, chitinous ass?
Suddenly, the center of the gathering erupts with a loud bang, followed by a sulfurous blast of dark smoke. It is very reminiscent of the arrival of the Wicked Witch of the West, in The Wizard of Oz. The smoke clears to reveal…Crumb!
AutoC: By Shiva, Ganesh and Vishnu!
YPG: Yoga Fire!
Angry Veteran: That’s some entrance!
Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!
Crumb: I have arrived! Gaze upon my magnificence! Look upon me! Behold!!!
~Fury~: OK, so we’re beholding, already.
Crumb: Witness: the coming of Crumb!
Otis Serungis: Uh...we’d rather not.
Dr. Mantodea: Yeah, dude. I can do without that image.
Crumb: Silence! I bring you tidings of great import! Harken unto me! One of you is…an impostor!!!!
Malach: GASP! Who?
Crumb: HIM!!! (points to The Angry Piper)
Toyita: Oh, Senhor Piper, ees it true?
Crumb: Oh, I assure you it is more than true, mi serrano caliente. He is a fake! A phony! A sham! A charade! A liar! A charlatan! In short, The Angry Piper is…a FRAUD!!!!
Suddenly, a disheveled man rushes into the clearing, waving his arms frantically. He is soaked with sweat and raving. It is clear he has soiled himself, both front and back.
Hobbs von Wackamole: AAAAH! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! AAAAH! THE MAYANS WILL KILL US ALL!!!
Angry Piper: (to Toyita) Excuse me for a moment, my Spanish flower.
Toyita: Hurry back, mi amor.
The Angry Piper rises to his feet, taking a sharp spear in his hands. He hefts it, tests its weight, sights down the length, and then hurls it with all his might. The point takes Hobbs in the back, driving through flesh and bone with a sickening squelch. Hobbs spins like a parody of a broken windmill, finally toppling over to land shaft first on the ground. Slowly, his body slides down the spear, coming to rest in a gory heap. It twitches a few times, then is still.
Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!!!
Choas Dragoon: Nice throw. I give it a 9.8.
Otis Serungis: 9.7.
Helpful Critic: 6.0.
(silence)
Helpful Critic: What? I’m just trying to be helpful. It could have been better.
Angry Piper: Christ, I've been longing to do that. I’m sorry, Crumb. Please continue.
And continue he will.
Tomorrow.
The WoW Family Picnic: Part the First
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Posted by The Angry Piper at 8:16 PM
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24 comments:
nice, but I'm straight-edged. I wouldn't want wine.......
HAHAHAHAHAHA, I love Auto C, and YPG, that is so them. This is going into WoW stories, this weekend.
I'm now going to college to be an animal sexpert.
uhm yeah and that not soooo like me... o-0
Your all liars, this is perfectly you all.
Is that a Kahuna burger? Damn, that's a good burger. Pass me another one.
Ok that was funny. Especially the ones about the flute and the rice.
Toyi sounds french though, isn't she latin american?
I haven't read this.
It's kinda hard to tell that's me, but from only 2 lines of text, I can tell you it's not.
^Yeah, he left out your penchant for talking in a effeminant accent and your sassy attitude.
you wish, Piper. You wish.
the only thing that resemble my personality on this convo will be that I am a women of short wording and long thinking, most of the times my real fun is inside my head cause I am very sarcastic and I pick on people inside my head and laugh about it, but only people that knows me very well can catch when I am doing it.
Loved it ...but hates mustard! *grins mischievously*
I also love how Otis Serungis is just thrown in their. He reads, but hardly posts.
Please pass me a refreshing beverage.
I don't drink and I totally would never make a granola something from all natual ingredients...if at all.
Hippy yes......that is correct.
Now....I WOULD bring some nag champa incense, a few crystals, some homemade chocolate chip cookies, maybe a homemade apple pie, some peppercinni-salami-cream cheese fingerfoods, and some iced black tea.
And I would totally be making out with shimmer on blanket #2!!
And the piper would be filming for GooTube.
Actually, I have a boston accent and I have a deep personality........ Well, I at least have a boston accent....
I want just me at all future WoW parties, please.
I second that
I'm a doctor. Just wanted to say it again in case anyone forgets.
I can't wait for part douche!
MMMM my wicked one. I for sure would let you! ~WEG~ ~kisses~
Okay, I read it.
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