Hump Day Jokes!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am SO glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

(HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS. )

*~*~*~*

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him whispers, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair.... given that you are blind.... that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman who doesn't need a baseball bat.
3. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to you on the other side also is blonde and she's a professional weight lifter.
5. And the woman standing right behind you is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister.....Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, Nah. . . ..... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

~*~*~*~

(This one is for Malach, because he LOVES Wally World)

Wal-Mart has everything ! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

~wicked love to all~