To Self-conscious Pets:

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

We know that you had no idea what you were in for. No one could see what was in store for you when that charming family appeared outside the pet store one day. Who knew that these people would tear you away from your mother and siblings, take you home to some strange-smelling house that was full of the scent of other dirty animals, take you to the doctor to get you full of needles, and oh the horror...neuter you?

Yes, my pup, neutrality is embarrassing. No motivation to do much of anything. Run, play, procreate. Not to mention you are the laughing stock of all of those other dogs at the park. Sometimes you even feel like less than a man. Life is indeed rough for a neutered dog. There's no need to whimper, because some perverted scientist has found a way to help.

Introducing Neuticles, the most useless implant in existence. I bring you a direct quote from the website:

"Neuticals allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering."

Firstly, great grammar. I'm certain Neuticals allowing all of those things.

Secondly, "natural look?" Neutering a dog does not turn it into a cat. It still looks like a dog. Besides, who besides Choas looks at a dog's genital area first to determine whether or not the dog as a whole looks "natural?"

Thirdly, I don't think a dog has self-esteem. I think self-esteem was ruled out of a dog's emotional capabilities the first time it humped a human leg and licked its own rectum. Self-esteem is probably the least of worries when considering a dog's health.

However, let us first assume that a dog is capable of the idea of self-esteem. Let's say I was in a dog's position. After being neutered, which is humiliating enough, some dumbass decided to put a sack of fake testicles where my "cash and prizes" used to be. That wouldn't increase my self-esteem at all! In fact, I would consider it an act of complete mockery. If you want me to have self-esteem, leave my freakin' balls on. End of story.

Fourthly, and I know this is wrong, but who doesn't read that quote without at first wondering why these scientists would want some pet to retain its AIDS? As my final point, this guy won the Nobel Prize. He isn't deserving of the Nobel Prize. Anyone without a degree who decided to place synthetic balls on a neutered bull would be considered "sick" and "creepy." I bet Gregg Miller had a fetish website dedicated to this type of "research" long before he decided to make a science project out of it. You make me sick, Miller. Please, go cure cancer or something for God's sake.