Meet Your Figureheads: Malach the Merciless

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Malach the Merciless burst upon the webcomics world without warning some 3 years ago. Since then, he has insulted and annoyed countless web-surfers. Despite this, he has managed to attract a loyal fanbase. He is the owner of Rubbersuit Studios, and is the creator of Fat Bug, The Wraith, and co-creator of Jesusman! under the Stool Sample Webcomics banner. He is one half of the dynamic web duo of Murk and Malach; together they record a more-or-less monthly podcast at The Third Option Media Network. Malach is also co-founder of the Wand of Wonder, this very blog that you're reading now.
Malach personally owns more music CDs than any one person should have in his home. His most prized possession is his Picasso print. He got his start in broadcasting with the Angry Veteran, years ago, performing public service announcements over a Public Address system. He once almost murdered Dr. Murk with a carelessly fumbled cue ball. All of these stories are true.
But who is Malach, really? What makes him who he is? The following is also a true story. None of the names have been changed. This is the transcription of an event that happened recently as four friends met at Malach's house to pay the reclusive artist a visit.

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Dr. Mantodea (DM): (entering) Sorry I’m late. Actually, I’m not sorry. You can all go to hell.

Angry Piper (AP): Yeah, whatever. Where the hell is Malach?

Doctor Murk (RJM): He’s in his studio.

Angry Veteran (AV): Studio?

RJM: Yeah. All supposedly great artists have them.

AP: And Malach has one?

AV: Right. This I gotta see.

They approach the studio door.

DM: Let’s have a look inside… Oh, Sweet Jesus! Sweet, merciful God and Baby Jesus! In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Blessed Virgin, Joseph of Arimathea and Mary, Queen of Scots!

AP: What the hell!?

Malach: Oh, hi, guys!

DM: Good Christ! It smells like Godzilla’s ass in here!

AP: Is…is that poo on the walls?

Malach. Uh-huh! I ran out of art supplies. "Stool Sample Webcomics", get it?

AV: Swell. Why the hell are you chained to the wall?

Malach: My wife chained me here, so that I can get inspired. You know, like H.R. Giger and his “black room”.

AV: (aside) Anyone else think she just doesn't like poo in her house?

RJM: Giger. Right. What’s with the diaper? And the newspaper on the floor?

Malach: Sometimes my tummy leaks. (holds out a cartoon torn from the newspaper) Guys, you ever realize just how artistically groundbreaking The Family Circus was? That Bil Keane is a genius! Look! In this one, the whole family’s standing around, and the Dad says, “OK, now which one of you sodomized the dog?” And Billy, Jeffy and Dolly all say “Not Me!” And look! There’s a little “Not Me” ghost running away! Ahahahaha!!! It’s precious! And the art is just amazing!

AV: I never read it.

RJM: The “Not Me” guy looks like Casper. Casper is the ghost of a dead child, likely murdered. By me.

AP: Wow. I just realized the Mom has huge cans.

DM: Christ, you sick bastard, she’s a cartoon!

AP: Just saying. Ugly hair, but a rack that won’t quit.

AV: Well, she’s had 4 kids…

DM: You’re encouraging him. Stop it.

Malach: (to DM) I must paint you! You look like Zorak!

DM: Die.

RJM: You know, this is actually a pretty big space. Could be kinda nice, without the poo. And without Malach.

Malach: I eat paste!

AP: Can we leave now?

AV: Yeah. Let’s get the hell out of here.

RJM: I need a bath.

Malach: Bye, guys! Come visit me again!

AP: Sure thing. Hey-can I, uh… keep this cartoon?

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It's all true.

Tomorrow: Dr. Murk.