HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF by Cap'n Flak Paperpants

Thursday, September 21, 2006

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "donations to Murk & Malach in 2008."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Then, scratch your ass, finger your belly button and rub your crotch. Smell fingers.
5. Stomp on little plastic mustard packets and refer to them as silly Asians.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Use your washer fluid only when it's raining.
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think, FUCKO."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Farting noises apply here as well.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy" or "in my pants."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Or just holler random numbers at anytime.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. Tell everyone you know them.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. Stare at everyone else in the establishment until you are asked to leave, and then say "I will be seated now. Amen."
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk while saying "tee hee hee" over and over.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera. Even better... RAP along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme... even if it does.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." This will work even better if you look just like Teddy Roosevelt.
33. Be a man, but wear a skirt.