Meet Your Figureheads: The Angry Veteran

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

In these dark times, our world needs heroes. The Angry Veteran is the hero who Bonnie Tyler is holdin’ out for.

Back in Dubya Dubya Two, there were rumors of a secret U.S. government project to create the ultimate human fighting machine for use against the Third Reich. This project, code-named “Project Super-Soldier”, was more than mere rumor. It was, instead, a resounding success; the result of which is the man we now know as the Angry Veteran. Impossible, you say? Not so. For although the Angry Veteran we know today is a young man of 33 years old, he is without question the same man who—possessed of grit, moxie, pluck and a legendary right hook—gave those stinkin’ Ratzis what-for back in the Big One.

Back then, he was not known as the Angry Veteran. Back then, he had a different name. Many of our generation do not believe he truly existed; that instead he was mere myth and legend; Allied propaganda for use in rallying troops to the American cause, a living symbol of patriotism; a “Star-Spangled Avenger”, if you will. This rare photo shows him in action against the Nazi menace. Note the square jaw so strong you could bend steel around it. He was aways a big hit with the ladies. This artist’s rendition depicts him with the now-famed French Resistance fighter, Mireille St. Jacques, codenamed “Mrs. Slap-n-Bap” by the OSS. Together these two fought bravely against the Axis powers in the European theatre, performing legendary feats of derring-do and inspiring thousands to “Kick a Kraut for Cap” (The AV had the nominal rank of Captian in the US Army).

Unfortunately, as history (or myth, depending on your point-of-view) records, the man who would one day be known as The Angry Veteran met his “end” when, strapped to a VX rocket he was barely able to disarm in time, he plunged into the icy waters of the Arctic ocean and froze to death. But he did not freeze to death. Rather, he entered a state of suspended animation while decades passed. Eventually, he was found and thawed…then trotted out like a show pony for the Bush Administration, who desperately needed a miracle to revive their sagging approval ratings. But before the first press conference, the man who is now known as the Angry Veteran was given access to the Internet, where he learned about what has happened to America since his heroic sacrifice in WWII.

He decided not to “play ball”, and fled.

At least, that’s the story. Over the next several years, reports of his activities are scarce. Rumor has it he single-handedly repelled an invasion of the U.S. by the theretofore-neutral Swiss Army, who, in a fit of imperialistic mania and armed with very sophisticated knives, sought to impose their will on the American Midwest in a parachute raid reminiscent of “Red Dawn.” But this cannot be confirmed.

Everything above should be considered a falsehood, perpetuated by a government that seeks to obscure, inveigle and obfuscate rather than inform. The U.S. government officially denies the existence of the Angry Veteran. An unnamed government spokesperson is quoted as saying there is no one by the name “Angry Veteran” currently serving in the military in any capacity. The President has gone a step further, saying in a press conference: “Angry Veterans? No such thing. All veterans of our great military army are proud and happy people who are glad to have done their bit to find and punish these radical Islamo-fascist terrorist killers and keep our nation, country and America safe and protected form these Islamo-fascist terrorist killers, and to punish them. After they find them first, I mean. Amen.”

Much of what you are now about to read was learned at great personal risk. As stated above, there are those who wish to keep you uninformed. Those who wish to mold our thoughts and herd us like cattle. Those to whom the truth is dangerous. Through undercover informants and shady sources, I have discovered the current whereabouts and activities of The Angry Veteran.

The Angry Veteran is currently [ BLOCK DELETE 89 BYTES]. He is known to be responsible for at least [ BLOCK DELETE 107 BYTES] unsurprising, given his proclivity for [ BLOCK DELETE 99 BYTES] extremely large testicles and [BLOCK DELETE 64 BYTES] films of the “women’s prison” genre. He is to be considered highly proficient in the following areas [ BLOCK DELETE 199 BYTES] crossword puzzles and fellatio, but is also known to enjoy [BLOCK DELETE 120 BYTES] spooning with [BLOCK DELETE 40 BYTES] “low-class rent-boys.” The Angry Veteran’s current suspected activities indicate it is extremely unlikely that he has left active service, if not with an officially sanctioned branch of our government than with [SERVER ERROR---SYSTEM CRASH---DATA LOSS 99.9999999%---CONTACT BLOG ADMINISTRATOR]