For Shimmer-Love

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A young 1st grade teacher finds herself in front of a new group of 7-year olds. Well, at least most of her kids are 7. All except Little Johnny. He's repeated 1st grade twice already, and he's here for year 3.

"Ok, class," she says, "Today we will be learning the alphabet. I'm going to give you a letter, and you must tell me a word that starts with that letter. So, let's start at the beginning...who can tell me a word that begins with letter A?"

Immediately Little Johnny raises his hand, begging to be called on.

Oh no, thinks the teacher. I can't call on Little Johnny. He's a behavior problem. If I ask him this question, he'll say "ass" or "asshole". Trying to spare her new class from Little Johnny's behavior issues for as long as possible, she calls on Suzy, who answers: "apple."

"Very good, Suzy! Now," she asks the class, "how about the letter B?"

Once again, Little Johnny raises his hand.

If I call on Johnny, he's sure to say "bitch" or "bastard", the teacher thinks. Instead, she calls on Clarence.

"Baseball," says Clarence. "Very good, Clarence!" says the teacher. "Now, class, how about the letter C?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, a sly smile on his face.

Now way, thinks the teacher. If I call on Johnny, he'll say "cock" or that other c-word. Better not risk it. And so she calls on another kid, receiving the perfectly acceptable "candy" as an answer.

The teacher proceeds through the alphabet, resolutely ignoring Little Johnny's increasingly desperate attempts to be called on. Finally, she gets to the letter R. Little Johnny is practically apoplectic. He's dying to be acknowledged. The teacher looks around the room, realizing she has called on every student except Johnny at least once.

The teacher ponders for a long moment, unable to think of any remotely offensive word that begins with the letter R. "I may as well get it over with," she says to herself, "since the next letter is S, and he's bound to say shit if I call on him."

She heaves a deep sigh. "Ok, Little Johnny," she says. "What word starts with the letter R?"

Little Johnny sits up straight in his chair. "rat," he says.

"Very good, Johnny-"



"A BIG FUCKING RAT WITH A BIG FUCKING DICK!!!"