An Invitation to Join the Ranks of the Autoubermenchen.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I would like to take a moment to brag.

You see, there is something I am very proud of. A trait that demonstrates, in my view, a strength of character which puts me on a different level than many of the those around me.

What is this marvelous trait? Can I heal the sick? Build great works of art? Accurately forecast the stock market?

Nope.

It’s even more superhuman than any of those things.

You see, I am a Boston driver (bare with me). I drive though the streets of madness every day, in all manner of weather and traffic. I deal with people whose level of driving skill, were it scored, could be measured in a negative number. I face the most notoriously rude, aggressive, clueless and dangerous drivers in the US.

And yet, I don’t honk my horn.

That’s right, were I to actually record the times I honked my horn this last twelve months, I would be able to tally them up on one hand, and none of them were done out of anger, but instead to warn someone who was going to hit me because they didn’t see me. (You know because actually looking in your mirrors before you switch lanes on the highway at 80mph is for wimps.)

My reason for this supreme level of self control was the realization some time ago at how asinine the horn honk has become, it’s the one socially acceptable form of tantrum throwing in pubic that is equivalent to the hysterical rage of a cranky two-year-old.

I would sit in slow traffic, or walk down the sidewalk near such traffic, and people would lay on their horn in frustration as if it were going to part the sea of vehicles like Moses.

“But that person is an asshole and I’m pissed at them!” You say.

Well, no shit. But let me clue you in on some physics. You see, a horn produces sound waves. Sound waves are our perception of vibrations through a physical medium, be they gas, fluid or solid.

Still with me?

Okay.

The funny thing about sound waves from a car horn is that they are not a LASER beam. They do not focus a tight coherent beam of your anger at the person who offended you. Nor do they courteously detour around others who happen to be in the direct line between you and the offending party and they also are incapable of stopping at the offender. They blow right past, as oblivious to the target as the target likely is to them.

In other words, you aren’t just blasting your horn at the 17 year old who cut you off, you’re blasting your horn at all the other people in earshot. And you know what? It’s just as obnoxious to them as it is to the guy who annoyed you. Even more so, because chances are the clueless whelp doesn’t give a shit about what you think of his driving, otherwise he might have been more courteous in the first place.

You are not being mature when you use your horn in anger. Horns do not undo rude behavior, they just make it more obnoxious. They don’t actually change anything. They don’t fix any problems! The guy who cut you off, will take the next turn and will never see you again. And you know what? He’s going to keep cutting people off.

Another thing, next time you are sitting in front of someone’s house to pick them up, How about this; how about you get out of your car and ring the doorbell? Or maybe the person could keep and eye out if they know you are coming. Or you could CALL them on your cell phone to privately let them know that you are there. You carry the damn thing around with you all the time, why not use it?

What, you think the entire neighborhood wants to be alerted to your presence?
People live around here! They go to work everyday just like you do, they want to be able to relax a little at home. Maybe take a nap, maybe watch some TV or play with their newborn child. Why are you being so rude as to disturb their domestic tranquility with your obnoxious behavior? Should they have to wear earplugs at home just on the off chance that you are picking up your kid’s friends for a soccer game that Saturday morning?

If someone was walking down the street with an air horn (you know, like those morons at football games use), and just blasting it at people who pissed him off, or using it instead of the doorbell when visiting a person’s house, you would think they were an intolerable asshole. Maybe even call the cops on them for disturbing the peace. And yet you do the exact same thing with your car horn every day.

I have a challenge for you. From now on, DON’T HONK. Just try it, for a couple of weeks of driving. You know what? Once you break the habit, you begin to realize how obnoxious it is when other people around you do it. You’ll begin to realize how asinine and childish the act is, and I’ll bet you will become even more resolved to not be like those rude bastards you share the road with, because you are now BETTER than them.

Join me.