Hump Day Jokes!!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Rednecks:
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

*~*~*~*

Rectum Stretcher:
While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked "what's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I'm a Rectum Stretcher," I responded.
The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to 2 fingers, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ..."

Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face ... Priceless

~*~*~*~

While visiting his niece, an elderly gentleman had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is alive, but his heart has stopped."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

~wicked love for all~