An Eyewitness Article on Satan Himself

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Most people see Satan as a red guy with horns and a tail. Others remember him only as the serpent from the tale of Genesis. Some (the Bible included) say Satan has the ability to appear as anything that you may be wanting at the time. Some have said there is an antichrist for every generation. Nostradamus (i.e. the crackpot mystic that everyone still believes) said there would be three antichrists before the end of the world. People have said Napoleon and Hitler were two of those. I gave it a little thought, and I was actually shocked by what I found. All of these stories (except the red guy story, but that's just a silly story anyway) overlap when they are applied to one person. One person in this generation has the eyes of a serpent, the ability to warm the hearts of American moviegoers, and the spirit of pure evil. Ladies, Gentlemen, and whatever Malach is, I have found Satan.

Yes, I concluded that Satan can be no one else but the young actress Dakota Fanning (seen here holding a freshly sacrificed pig). How do I know? I have prepared a list:

1) It's no secret that Hollywood sold its collective soul to the Devil long ago. Dakota Fanning is in every new movie imaginable now. Why? Because she keeps Hollywood's soul in John Ritter's skull by her bed. Hollywood was all too willing to give up their humanity, and now Dakota owns them.

2)Look at those teeth. Miss Fanning is now 12 years old. By the time I was 12, all of my teeth had grown in. It's a little too convenient that neither of her canines have completely grown in. Wouldn't you say it would take a wee bit longer for someone to grow fangs?

3) Did you see War of the Worlds? All she did was scream, and I do say she was quite good at it. Some think she was such an incredible screamer because she practiced a lot. I think it's because she created the place of eternal suffering and hears painful, ear-splitting screams on a daily basis and loves it.

I can guarantee you that you've seen a movie/TV show with Dakota Fanning in it. She has already seeped her little self into the cast lists of blockbusters, and it is only a matter of time before she corrupts the Academy. Satan, an Oscar winner? We're doomed. The third antichrist is here, and with her comes Armageddon.