Cap'n Flak's Really Shitty Career Advice

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

1. Figure out which bathroom the executives use. Only use that bathroom and if an executive comes in, mimic everything they do.


2. Never, ever, ever turn your office lights or computer off. A dark office or cubicle is a clear sign that you are not at work and most people will think you are off wasting time on one of your hobbies.
   


3. Use the scrolling text screensaver. Set it to say "HOLY SHIT I AM SO FUCKING BUSY." Make sure it is scrolling as fast as possible.
   


4. Ask your vendors to send you a price quote for contracting Herpes.
   


5. Spot some blood on your shirt or pants. When asked about it, yell "business is war!" Then briskly walk away. Keep looking back over your shoulder while making a clicking sound.
   


6. Every time you answer your phone, pretend to be out of breath. People are always impressed by someone who is out of breath.
   


7. Tell everyone that there is a chemical fire in shipping and they need to evacuate the building. When they run to go outside, bring up some really nasty porn on their computer screens. Leave it there until they return. Trust me on this one. Everyone will think that is totally hilarious! This will be even funnier if your workplace doesn't have a shipping department.
   


8. Talking to your boss? Make sure you are always pointing at them! Remember to use both hands!


9. Go ahead. Be clever.


10. Whenever you leave your desk, tip your chair over. People will think you left in a hurry. Hurried is cool!
    


11. Perform strange ritual dances in the hallways. Claim that it is your "god given right, god dammit!"
    


12. Sell your co workers hopes and dreams on Ebay. Bid often.


13. Insist on only doing business with Disabled Jewish Freemasons.


14. In every single PowerPoint presentation you create, make sure the last slide always has a crappy diagram of a Warp Field Generator. Label this slide as CRITICAL. Provide handouts.
    


15. Put pictures of Chuck Norris all over your office or cube walls. Autograph them yourself. Make sure people see you doing that.


16. Always bring a steel briefcase to work. Hand cuff yourself to it. When you arrive at your desk, cuff the case to a chair or something else in the area. State out loud that you "stand relieved." Salute the briefcase every hour, on the hour.
    


17. Going to a meeting? Bring a clipboard, take notes, nod your head, squint your eyes and say "mmhm" a lot (even if no one is talking.)
    


18. Pretend to repair your car in the parking lot using nothing but duct tape and a box cutter. This shows initiative and ingenuity.
    


19. Smile. Always smile. No matter what, no matter when, SMILE. The creepier you look, the better. Think: THE JOKER.
    


20. Finish all emails with anyone of the following phrases::

• TEE HEE HEE!
• THAT'S NOT A KNIFE. THAT'S A KNIFE.
  
• IN MY PANTS!
• WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
• BE AGGRESSIVE! BE BE AGGRESSIVE!
  
• HEY, THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!
• DUDE! LYNYRD SKYNYRD ROCKS!
  
• ASSHOLESAYSWHAT?
• OMG! LOLZ! KTHXBYE!