I'm just gonna have to thank his holiness the pope (sporting a very sassy cowboy hat, I might add) for pointing out Malach's latest rant on me. It turns out I'm a terrorist, eh?
Honestly... why WAS I invited onto this blog? I'm still a little confused about that. That isn't to say I'm ungrateful... But, why would one pass up the chance to rant in a more public forum. I mean... Horatio's Land of Joy was a lotta fun, but just doesn't get quite the exposure I might get over here.
Yep... I'm an Arab lover. Actually, I'm not all that attracted to Arab girls (and don't have a man-crush on anybody, let alone Mitt). Personally, I think the Arabs are the most welcoming and hospitable people I have ever been around. And, gasp, I speak their language. It's amazing what happens when you learn to talk.
But... um... nope. Not a terrorist. I wouldn't mind having some of the amazing bow-hunting-type skills that terrorists gain in their boot camps. But, the awesome workout didn't seem worth the ideological issues and moral quandaries of crying "death to infidels". I'm a pretty religious guy... but I've never gone quite that far. (It turns out that I have not joined the military for exactly the opposite reason that I'm not a terrorist. IN that case, I fully believe in the cause, but still didn't think I would excel with all the other things. It would be a great way to get in shape, however).
See, terrorism and blind liberalism seem to have the same problem these days: completely distorted views of conservatism. One wants to shun us because we actually like religion. The other wants to shun us because we aren't religious enough. Both suffer from a terrible case of myopia.
Take Bush for example. People call him stupid, inept, ideologically lost, ineffective... but somehow he has been one of the most effective presidents in modern history. You may not like what he did to the country, but you have to admit he managed the process pretty well. He has played the political wave better than even Clinton did. And, the only reason liberals can find to hate him is a) the war or b) he's dumb. Well, obviously he pulled a fast one on us, because he has gotten a lot of stuff done.
What is my point of this rant? I don't know actually... I'm just writing. Yep, I'm a conservative. Yep, I'm probably going to vote for Mitt Romney (I mean, competence is always a nice thing to have in a chief executive... even more than ideology). Nope... not a terrorist. But, I have spoken to a few of them. They're an interesting lot.
If you don't like my rants... um... fire me. Until then, you can live with the fact that liberal politicians can't seem to get their heads out of their butts and actually do something... that socialism (to any degree) has NEVER worked because the people who tout socialism always tend to be capitalists at heart... And, though you hate Bush, he has certainly seems to have the world wrapped around his finger... and nobody on the other side seems competent enough to take his place.
Pity.
Furthermore... Uncle Mitt doesn't want your blood... just a small contribution.
:-)
That is all.
Horatio
Exposed Again: I'm a Terrorist
Hump Day Jokes
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
~*~*~*~*~
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.
~*~*~*~*~
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
~hump day love for the wicked~
Andrew Meyer, once again, more rent a cops with Tasers
What is happening to free speech in this country?
Yes, the Andrew Meyer was resisting, and a bit of an idiot, but why did they suddenly attack him after mention Skull and Bones?
Too it is refreshing to see someone doing this to someone other than a Republican.
I am Malach, and next time I do something like this, I will make sure I have to take a shit, that'll teach 'em. Don't Tase me Bro.
Man-gina, the Pope, and other nonsense
What did Malach tell you.
As Camera-gate broke this weekend in the NFL, Malach told you a few things.
- The Patriots were not the only team doing this
- Mangini with his snitch gave this team the inspiration it always seeks.
- Their might be some reprisal on Mangini from other members of the coaching franternity for breaking a code of silence.
So, point 1, several highly regarded former and current coaches and players came out this week to corroborate the point. Howie Long, John Madden, Jimmy Johnson, Mike Martz, Bill Cowher, Sean Salibury, and several others.
Point 2 I think was proven by Sunday Night's Game and the Pats absolutely dismantling of the Chargers
Now point 3. Check out this article. Brian Billick, the head coach of the Ravens is asking the league to investigate the Jets, for simulating snap counts with theird defense, while their offense was on the field. Technically, it is illegal, against the rules, but ask anyone who's played the game, it happend quite a bit during the season. Is this a message to Mangini for breaking this coaches code?
Most coaches, have already stated that if they knew this was going on, they would just try to fool the camera, was Mangini just not smart enough to do this? Also, has Mangini cut his own throat? Suppose the Jets win on 5 games this year and Mangini is fired. He will have to go back to being a coordinator . . . who in their right mind would hire him after this fiasco.
Da Pope
Guess whose back! I also fixed our blog directory for ease of the fans we have. Some of you may remember the Pope's old blog, funny as Heaven.
It's back
Yeah, The Murk and Malach Show is back. The buckos are happy again, so much so we have had a few people contact us about being guest stars. Currently negotiating with Ben Byrd, who would like to clear his name.
And Some May Enjoy This
I am Malach and I am an internet person
Why, people, WHY?
Why aren't you reading Meet the Heroes?
1. You don't read fiction.
Assinine. This isn't fiction, it's future history.
2. You don't like comic books.
Dumb. These aren't sissy comic book heroes. These are pissed off people with flawed characters who try to fix stuff without the advantage of super powers.
3. I hate self promoters.
But you read this and eveyone else's crap. You all read Joey Polanski and his dummy IDs that draw you to his blog.
4. I don't care for your writing.
Good. Comment on it here (previews of the new sections up weekly). Tell me what you don't like. I actually like criticism. But, be intelligent if you can.
5. You're not a published author.
That means I'm free and I write for me, not for some stuffy stuck up sticky beaks at a faceless corporation that tells you want to hear.
6. No, seriously, your writing sucks.
So does Malach's. You still read him.
7. It's a gimmick.
For now. Get in on the ground floor and get a mention in the book when it gets published.
But seriously, if you like what you're seeing, let me know and let the people know. Start forum threads on it. I do it myself. Let's be open minded and help a guy who you barely know. God will give you a new bike. Guaranteed. You want a BMX Bike, not a leather jacket.
Chris
Yet another WoW Expose: Horatio K. Frankenziemer
Yet another Buckos Brigade exclusive.
Not much was known about the man Horatio when he joined the Wand of Wonder, beyond his exhaustive Man Love for a one Uncle Mitt "I want your Blood" Romney. He would occasionally post right wing rants here at the WoW, and over at this own blogs but that is the little contact we had with him.
But once again, the Buckos Brigade has uncovered the truth. Malach was sent a package to his office, delivered by by capable hand of General Choas. Inside was a picture and a letter.
The picture was a large 8 x 10 glossy. I scanned it for you, here it is.
Interesting . . . but the enclosed letter was even more interesting:
All exhaulted Malach the Merciless
I write you with an aim to reveal the truth. I am a high ranking official in a covert organization, my name is not important, but the identity of one of your WoW bloggers is.
The included photo was shot in 2006 at a meeting in Syria. The Picture is of one Horatio Bush-Bin Laden, aka Horation K. Frankenzeimer. Shocking I know.
My organization has been tracking Horatio for some time now, it was only recently we realized he was the blogger Horatio.
Let me explain a bit more. We all know the Bush and Bib Laden families have been very tight since the early 1880's. Over that time, their bloodlines had occasionally merged. Sometime in 1942, H. W. had an affair with Alzubra Lama Bin Laden, a little known sister of Muhammed Bin Laden, and Horatio Bush-Bin Landen was the product of that.
Not much is know after his birth, he was hidden by both families in a effort to save face, but evidently Horatio remained in the Middle East.
Sometime around 1967, Horation formed a group called El Kiedia, which ultimately failed but was a inspiration for his half brother Osama. Horatio has been Osama secret right hand man ever since.
Horatio over the years has been responsible for Al Queda's web presence, the Mad Burt fiasco, being the main architect behind the attack of the USS Cole, getting the most recent pope elected, and most recently, Osama metrosexual make over:
Ability like that is very dangerous. Now, he has developed his blog persona, and now is using his internet fame to convince young people to vote Republican, and some really nut job candidates.
He must be stooped . . .
Sincerely,
Gung Ho
Well, know, I see this might be a matter of national security.
I am Malach and I warn you of dangerous . . . rise the level to red.
Five Women The Angry Piper Would Totally Do The Sex With
1. Beth Smith, aka Dog the Bounty Hunter's Wife
2. Susan Sarandon
Any man who even has to ask why is a flaming queer.
3. Raquel Welch
4. Leila Ali
5. Michelle Rodriguez
Now, if his were "Five Non-Famous Women The Angry Piper Would Totally Do The Sex With", the list would read like this:
Honorable Mention: Tainted Love, because it would be cool to say I had sex with someone named Aasta.
Hump Day Jokes
Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Testagain.!!!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
Things that make me go HMMMMM . . .
So I checked my work email this morning, and this appeared.
FW: Picture . . . see carefully
Picture of Mary
The President of Argentina received this picture and called it 'junk mail', 8 days later his son died. A man received this picture and immediately sent out copies...his surprise was winning the lottery. Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot to distribute: she lost her job and he lost his family. This picture is miraculous and sacred, don't forget to forward this within 13 days to at least 20 people. Do Not Forget to forward and you will receive a huge surprise!!
Of course Malach has replied to everyone of these forwards with: " Yeah, Jesus, that is his style to punish and kill people because they did not forward an email picture of his mother."
Do people think when they send these things out? Am I wrong, or has God created new rules regarding e-mails and internet based commication (notice how I covered my ass by posting this here).
I am Malach and I wonder . . .
In Honor of the Victims on 911
Some administration
Bear with me.
I am in process of totally redesigning Third Option Media (TOM), as there is a number of opportunities the combined forces of TOM and Rubbersuit Studios is strarting to get (more when it is official). With that end, I am creating a new directory for the blogs we plan on hosting. With that being said, The Wand of Wonder has a new web address
http://www.third-option.com/WoW/
Now, don't fret, none of your links are broken, becuase I put a redirection page on the old address, you can change your links at your leisure.
This will make TOM much more structured and allow us to better direct client around our site.
I am Malach, logistics man
Bobble-Head Fred
So... Fred Thompson has finally declared he is a candidate for President. And, so far, I am really unimpressed.
Take a look at his first TV ad (announcing his announcement):
To quote a good friend of my family (who is more actively conservative than I):
"I just looked at the ad. ...Thompson's head movements are so distracting, I don't know what the dickens he said. I watched it twice.
I guess you can call him bobble-head Fred."
The man that is supposed to be the next Ronald Reagan seems to have a really interesting nervous tick. Beyond the fact that he was a mediocre senator who didn't really accomplish much and he has absolutely no executive experience... he doesn't seem to be that good of a natural actor!
It gets even worse--his announcement video was a continuation of the same thing. You can watch it here.
Are you asleep yet? Do you realize that the video is FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG!?!?
So, yes... Fred Thompson is now in the race. And, so far, he is as lackluster as we had expected him to be. Ladies and Gentlemen who tend to vote Republican: THIS IS NOT THE REINCARNATION OF RONALD REAGAN.
I'm sorry... I know we hate to hear this. But, Bobble-Head Fred is not the guy I want running this country.
That is all.
Horatio
Riposarsi nella pace
Here is my WoW tribute to Luciano Pavoratti.
October 12, 1935 – September 6, 2007
Riposarsi nella pace (Rest in peace).
Malach 2007-2008 NFL Preview
With the games starting today ..
It is high time Malach puts out his popular NFL Preview for the 2007 - 2008 season.
AFC
AFC EAST
The New England Patriots: This team was one first down aways from going to yet another Super Bowl and winning it last year. Now, you have added Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth, when your top recievers last year were Reche Caldwell and Jabbar Gaffney. You added Adalius Thomas to a already nasty defense. Yes, Rodney Harrison is supended for the first four games, but the rookie Brandon Merriweather is a carbon clone of him. Eugene Wilson is also healthy. Yes, Richard Seymour might miss a large majority of the seasons, but he missed a lot games last year. And I would go to war with Ty Warren, Vince Wilfork, and Jarvis Green anyday. The Patriots are one of the top three team in the NFL, if not the top team, and look for another Super Bowl Ring to grace their fingers unless there is some type of catatrophic injuries.
The New York Jets: Mangenius and the Jets surprised a few people last year, they are still a few steps behind the Pats, but they might sneak into the playoffs considering how weak the rest of the division is. Again, Chad Pennington (a poor man's Tom Brady) is the key, if they keep him healthy and don't rely completely on his arm, they will win their fair share of games.
The Buffalo Bills: They are another year closer, but still need some pieces. This is JP Lossman's key year to try and finish above .500. Their offense might surprise a few.
The Miami Dolphins: Things are a bit of a mess in Miami, new coaching staff, player turnover. Trent Green alone will keep them in some games, but their defense is long in the tooth, and Teddy Ginn Jr. is not the answer.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: A top 5 AFC team, can their offense catch up to their Defense. Unless Pittsburgh comes back strong this year, they should take this division
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers were an enigma last year. Roethlisberger was the biggest reason for that. Perhaps the multiple near death experiences? If the gets his head on straight, and he is not required to win them games (ie control the game with the run and short controlled passing), Pitt should give Baltimore a bit of run. A new head coach is interesting here too, from the same mold as Cowher, but we will see the differences.
Cinncinati Bengals: If the multiple Bengals don't go to jail, or get suspended, they should have a respectable year, maybe even 10 wins, but there still is no defense in Cincy.
Cleveland Browns: Well, still rebuilding, maybe the worst team in the AFC, and it won't be long before Brady Quinn is starting. Romeo, I had higher hopes for you . . .
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Coming off their Super Bowl win, and Payton Manning finally expelling his demons, the world will be gunning for them. They also lost a number of key players, and don't have an easy schedule. They will still put up points, and it will be interesting to see if teir defense continues from last year'ss playoffs or falls back to Earth. They are also in a cupcake division perhaps even weaker than the AFC East. They should easily win 12, and remain in the top 3 AFC teams. Plus, Payton has more commercials to film.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Dumping Byron Leftwich (who I affectionately call the black Drew Bledsoe) was a good move, but David Gerrard is not the answer. The Jags are too one dimensional on offense, and Gerrard won't win you any games. Still good enough to win 10 and sneak into the playoffs, but that will depend on the Jets.
Tennesee Titans: Now, the Titans. They will give some teams some fits, they will also upset some teams. They are a scrappy little team (Not counting Pacman Jones, or Albert Haynesworth), no one will want to play, but will finish around .500. They still need more pieces, and taking away Pacman Jones will hurt them alot.
Houson Texans: So, Houston dumped David Car for Matt Schaub, at least Schaub can scramble . . They MIGHT BE better than the Browns.
AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers: Very interesting division with a lot of questions, the Chargers being one of them. Basically no off season changes for the Chargers, except for the entire coaching staff. Norv Turner, yeah another .500 coach. They still have LT. They still have a scary defense. Phillip Rivers should be better. They are still probably a top 3 team in the league, but those question about Norv Turner . . .They will win this division, and then we will see.
Denver Broncos: Again, like the Chargers, have some questions after a disappointing season. Is Culter ready to pick up his game? Is there a running game? Travis Henry is the Jekyll and Hyde of running backs. Will age catch up with a pretty good defense. Denver too might sneak into the playoffs on a wild card.
Kansas City Chiefs: I am sorry, any team coached by Herm Edwards is hard to take serious.
Oakland Raiders: Well, they do have a good defense in Oakland, but will they score. They Culpepper but traded Moss. Jamarcus Russel isn't even signed. Gotta love Al Davis, unless your a Raiders fan.
NFC
NFC EAST
Philadelphia Eagles: Again the NFC East is a bit open to who wants to take it, but one would assume, the Eagles have the best shot at that. Considering what they did with Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb is a definitely improvement. The questions once again? Who is he throwing too? Is there enough of a running game?
New York Giants: Again, the Giants have what they need to perhaps be the best team out of the NFC, if, and this is a big if, Elie Manning comes into his own. The loss of Tiki Babar is huge, but I think Brandon Jacobs can take a lot of the that load, 10 wins will take this division and that is possible for the G-Men.
Dallas Cowboys: The Tuna is gone, but TO is still there. Romo, is he the answer? We will soon find out. I supposed they have a shot, of course, their new coach is Wade Phillips . . .
Washington Redskins: No defense, no quarterback, and a coach who rather be looking after his NASCAR team; sounds like a winning formula to me.
NFC North
Chicago Bears: Unless Rex Grossman is benched by mid season (for ugh, Brian Griese), The Bears will not make the playoffs, you heard to here first. But in one of the weakest division in the NFL, I could be wrong.
Green Bay Packers: Is this Brett Favre's last year? They added some interesting pieces, and it would not surprise me if they make the playoffs, and perhaps even win the division.
Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings were pretty good at beating bad teams last year. They are still rebuilding, but unlike the AFC you can rebuild and still be a playoff contender in the NFC.
Detroit Lions (thanks to Troy for pointing out my Faux Pas): Ok, no Matt Millen drafting wide recievers jokes, but Calvin Johnson will be special and fun to watch. John Kitna is a very good back up quarterback .. . maybe 8 wins in Detriot?
NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Here are the Colts of the NFC, if they can find some defense, they are clearly the NFC favorite. Will anyone challenge them in this division, maybe a sleeper like Tampa Bay, but they should run away with this division and win perhaps 12 games.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Lucky for TB this is the one of the worst divisions in Football, and they might have done enough with the additon of Jeff Garcia to be playoff contenders and maybe even upset New Orleans once or twice.
Carolina Panthers: OK, I give up on Carolina, the Panthers suck. Jake Dellhomme is the original Rex Grossman
Atlanta Falcons: Who let the dogs out? Gonna be a long year in Hotlanta
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: This should be a fun division, and all four teams have a shot at winning it. Seattle obviously missed Shaun Alexander, and lucky for them, Vince Young in on the cover of Madden this year. Seattle should win the division, but the teams behind aren't really that far behind.
St. Louis Rams: St. Louis keeps plugging along, with their above average seasons and short playoff runs, why should this year be any different.
San Francisco 49ers: This is a good young team and is going to surprise and dissappoint a lot of the upper teir NFC teams. 10 wins is not out of the question for this team, neither is the division, or 5 wins. Decent offense, and nasty defense.
Arizona Cardinals: This team is heading in the right direction, but is still a few pieces away. Will upset a few teams, and 8 wins will be a good season for them.
Once agains, the NFC sucks, expect the Patriot, Chargers, or Colts to take it all.
I am Malach the keelhauling master
Hump Day Jokes
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes", said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life.
~hump day love~
I knew it.
Your results:
You are Lex Luthor
| A brilliant businessman on a quest for world domination and the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mind of our time! |
Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test
Why Family Circus is the best comic strip of all time
Come to us Jeffy!
Hump Day Jokes
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?""
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, ""Daddy, what are you doing?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
~Hump Day Love for All~
BvB Blogger Battle
Look
The reason is:
Our hits go up when people slap at each other, but we'd rather cut the useless trash talking to get our message out.
Solution? A seperate Blog to vent issues, discuss heinous acts and take shots at other people's WoW post...
"Oh! That's so negative!"
Modern psychology suggests that expressing even angry motions creates a bond, and allows us to be more accepting. The prededing statment has not been verified.
Let's do it! Go the the new blog and sign up. I'll send you the invite. You are all prequalified.
As an aside, just for those new or clueless people, I only blog to improve my rhetoris and arguing skills. I believe in absulutely nothing. Fire back hard, but don't ever take it personal.
Dumb Blonde Jokes - Video Edition
I am Malach and like, I believe that South Africa, is like a suburb of Macon, GA.
Some request and more begging for money
Requested T-Shirts!
and
And now I beg for you money
First I need to thank you for the generous donations you have given me for the upcoming Special Olympics Fundraiser I am helping to sponsor. But I got a new charity. If you’ll notice to there is a First Giving widget with in this blog entry. Donating to that will help raise money for a special cause. It will sponsor my wife’s walk team for the Community Autism Resources Hearts and Hands Walk-A-Thon. This in turn helps programing in South Eastern MA for persons with autism, like my sister-in-law.
I am Malach and I am just loaded with charitable causes
Hill Clint
That idiot Hillary Clinton is in the news again. She believes a terrorist attack will help the GOP (those are the Republicans).
OMG! SU! WTF?
This is why women, specifically Hill Clinty, should not be President. Only a silly woman would connect a terrorist attack to her own suffering. She should have added, "How come this always happens to me? Every time a terrorist kills someone, I lose voters!" Real freaking bright.
Here are Murk's top 11 reasons a woman should never be president.
1. Every month, the secret service would think she got shot in the privates.
2. She'd turn the White House into the gay Pink House with stupid lace curtains.
3. Other leaders could kidnap her and set a trap until a real man freed her.
4. Women are dumb.
5. Men are freaking so smart, dude.
6. A woman President would spend all her time gossiping with the wives of other leaders instead of running the country and doing the damn laundry.
7. Women. Hahahahaha. That's funny.
8. A woman President would resign like fifteen times because it's too hard and then complain when someone else does it right.
9. All women are crazy hypochondriacs. We'd have to get the "Presidential Illness of the Day" from CNN. Idiots.
10. Feminine hygine products strewn about the lawn. Not going to help our image.
11. Carter and Kennedy. We already had 2 women Presidents and how'd that work out?
Bonus: Hillary already had her turn for 8 years.
Murk.
Hump Day Jokes
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Things Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
~Hump Day Love~
REVEALED: Palmer
Palmer is a mystery . . .
But Malach has sources, and they have found all you need to know about the man. One of the West Coast buckos sent me this picture, and a little but of a biography:
He refuses all help, and mumbles something about "Ginny". He can be found around the city, with his sign, and his little gimmick of being a "honest bum". I reality he spends the money on discount movie houses, hentai, sleeping at nerd conventions (like ComicCon) and his pickle smoking habit.
He is also known for his tagphrase: "Avenge Me!" which he frequently screams in crowded areas, and then runs off down a back alley humming music from Ladyhawke.
If you see Palmer, please call the locale mental health services. Consider his armed and dangerous, and he is not afraid to distract you with his Dance of Hanging Genitalia.
So, there you have it, the real Palmer.
I am Malach and now you know.
The Nut Bag
I want a party with a giant nut bag.
Almonds of Cyanide flavor,
Walnuts to crush,
Brazil nuts to choke on.
Forever the nut bag
And sandwiches too.
Dancing to rhythms from space
Eating cashews and peanuts,
Pecan and others
More dangerous to follow.
The nut bag St Nick had
On old Yuletide Eve,
Like Jesus incarnate,
Giving whiskey to all.
The nut bag so pure and brilliant
It makes my teeth hurt.
Confusing little nut bag
The chipmunks are scared of you.
My party with nut bags
Will waken the neighbors,
Those useless third graders
With middle aged bodies.
I'll sing of my nut bag
In loud angry verses,
'Til blue lights come flashing
My lullaby home.
Politics....only better
Australian Senator Discusses Oil Spill - Watch more free videos
Superbad: A Review
Jonah Hill: Seth
Michael Cera: Evan
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Fogell / McLovin
Bill Hader: Officer Slater
Seth Rogen: Officer Michaels
Martha MacIsaac: Becca
Emma Stone: Jules
Scott Gerbacia: Jesse
So you think you can play softball part II
Let Malach teach you how
I am Malach the best thing to softball since sliced bread
So you think you can play softball?
For the Local Buckos of the Greater New Bedford Area
Sandlot Softball and RubberSuit Studios is presenting a slow pitch softball tournament fundraiser to benefit MA Special Olympics.
WHEN: Saturday September 22nd and Sunday September 23rd, and possibly September 29th and 30th as well. Rain Dates: 29th and 30th.
WHO: Any group of men (18+) that consider themselves a softball team.
WHERE: Cushman Park in Fairhaven (parking via Main St. and Green St.)
HOW TO ENTER: Mail completed registration form along with the entry fee to Darren Fleurent @ 1030 Shelburne St. New Bedford, MA. 02745 (Registration forms are located here)
- Registration is due Friday Sept. 14th. Tentative Schedules will then be mailed to the team captain on Monday Sept. 17th.
- Entry Fee is $20.00 per player. As team captain please collect this money from your team and get a money order or make out a check payable to SOMA – Greater New Bedford. Please do not mail cash in case of the mail getting lost. (if you risk mailing money we are not responsible if it is lost in the mail)
- Teams can register day of tournament, however, entry fee for teams day of will be $25.00 per player.
- Teams must have 10 players registered via preregistration. Teams that preregister may register additional players (up to 5 additional) on the day of the tournament @ $20.00 per player.
- You may also register as a individual player and we will put you on a team.
AWARDS: TBD. Remember that this tournament is all about having fun, pride, and raising money for Special Olympics. But we’ll see what we can do for awards.
TOURNAMENT RULES
- Wooden SOFTBALL bats will be used, if you are in need of wooden softball bats for this tournament please order them. They can be found at http://www.directsports.com/, click on the “slow pitch bat” link on the left and scroll all the way down. Bats are VERY reasonably priced at $19.95 per bat. Order them at least one week in advance to ensure they arrive in time. We recommend ordering at least 2 bats of different sizes to give your team options. ($5.00 per player will buy 2 or 3 bats).
- There will be no umpires. The catcher calls balls and strikes. Any pitch that hits the mat or plate is a strike. The 1st base coach makes the safe/out calls at 1st base and homeplate. The 3rd base coach makes the safe/out calls at 2nd and 3rd base.
- There is a 6 – 12 foot arch rule. This will be monitored by the scorekeepers.
- Steel cleats will not be allowed.
- There will be no infield or batting practice prior to games.
- Teams can start with 9 players. Catchers WILL NOT be provided by the opposing team if there are only 9 players to start.
- The home team shall be determined by a pregame coin flip.
- A volunteer will be the official scorekeeper for each game.
- Each game will run 7 innings. There MAY be a time limit in forced to ensure all games are played. If so, games will not last any longer than 1 hour and 15 minutes. No inning shall start after the 1 hour mark unless the game is tied.
- A 10 run mercy rule after 5 innings and a 15 run mercy rule after 4 innings will be in effect for all games.
- All batters will start with a 1 ball and 1 strike count (no extra foul balls).
- Absolutely no refunds shall be made under any circumstances – unless the tournament is cancelled completely. In that event, checks will be mailed to the team captain with 10 days of cancellation.
Rules are a combination of Special Olympics Unified rules and Sandlot Softball Rules
ABOUT GREATER NEW BEDFORD SPECIAL OLYMPICS
Thank you so much for your participation in this softball tournament fundraiser. The Greater New Bedford Special Olympics Program is always grateful for community involvement in fundraising. The Greater New Bedford Special Olympics Program has been in existence for over 20 years. The approximately 175 athletes and coaches compete in a variety of sports activities all year round.
Athletes in the Greater New Bedford area currently participates in 5 different sports including: Ten Pin Bowling, Basketball, Track & Field, Swimming, and Softball. This year we look forward to possibly adding two more sports to the mix: Volleyball and Soccer. Each year it costs over $10,000.00 just to provide the bare minimum of transportation and tournament fees to our athletes. All of which we as a local program are responsible for raising. Extras such as uniforms and sports equipment are often not purchased due to lack of funds.
The program primarily consists of adults with intellectual and physical disabilities. Most of the athletes live either independently or in a group home situation with little to no family involvement. Fund raising can be a difficult and daunting prospect; and for most of our athletes, asking them to pay their own fees or for their own uniforms is an impossibility. That is why this tournament is so important. Hopefully it will be a fun way to raise funds for a very worthwhile cause. Thank you again for your participation!
Malach and two of Malach's teams will be there, The Kombucha Mushroom People, and my SO Unfied Team, The New Beford Rangers. Hope to see you there.
Additionally, since many of you don't live in the area, or don't want to participate in a Softball tournament, I have set up a KMP Team donation button for you, all proceed will go to Special Olympics from the KMP team, click button in side bar.
EDIT: There is a page on my site with all the information including contact info. It is located here.
Hump Day Jokes ...
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' "Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk because of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complement the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.
A few days later he received a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess —— you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
The Traveller
A Book Review
Malach has just finished reading The Traveller
First I want to talk a bit about Twelve Hawks and the mystery surrounding the author. Very reclusive; supposedly Twelve Hawks and his editor have never met. They communicate via the Internet, and a untraceable satellite phone, using a voice scrambler. No photograph of him has been seen by the public, and the only biographical information on him is based on four sources.
- A 2005 USA Today article
- A 2005 interview in SFF World
- A 2006 interview published in Germany in Titel Magazine
- A small tidbit in a 2007 Daily Telegraph article
Random House's biography for the longest time only stated Twelve Hawks "lived off the grid" (a term we will explore a bit more in this article), and has recently been replaced by the line "John Twelve Hawks is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The Traveler."
Theories abound about who Twelve Hawks really is, some are interesting, Malach has his own. some have been recently discredited. One thing is know, Twelve Hawks is a pseudonym and he is not an American Indian.
Much of the "information" about him has come from interviews. In one, Twelve Hawks made the statement when asked if the situation in Iraq was "Hell", Twelve Hawks relied Hell was more "like Lebanon in the '70's", a remark that suggests he was at least old enough to have some intelligent thought about that, putting him in his 40's or 50's or even older.
Twelve Hawks has also stated he grew up in a sort of commune, learned writing from stealing books from a restricted University Library, drives a 15 year old car, and does not own a television. His road agent has stated Twelve Hawks lives in London, LA, and New York, and by his writing he shows some familiarity with these cities. Twelve Hawks also states he does not plan in going public with his identity.
Some of the more popular rumors and theories about Twelve Hawks. According to someone who knows someone from Random House. Twelve Hawks has a serious physical disability and prefers to remain out of the public eye. This has lead to the theory that he is Stephen Hawking. Interesting thought; Hawking has world travel experience, can write, and would have some thought of some of the science involved in this book. Interesting though, Hawking has never shied away from the public eye, and has never hidden his disability; in fact he is a huge proponent of the rights of the disabled. There are theories that he is another published author, some of the more popular guesses are Michael Cunningham, Craig Strete, Kage Barker, and Dan Brown. The Brown one has recently been denied by Twelve Hawks (personally I don't see it either, Twelve Hawks is a much better writer). Also having not read any of those writers, so I really can't give an opinion.
Malach's theory is that Twelve Hawks is William Gibson. Why? Read something by both of them. Their writing style is very similar. In addition, they explore many of the same concepts.
OK, what about the book?
The Traveller is set in a contemporary alternative reality. Elements of magic and technology interweave with a dystopian modern day 1984. The World and it's population are overseen by a secret organization bent on creating a perfect society, perfectly controlled by technology, the Internet, media, surveillance and a police state. This organization is called the Tabula, and over the centuries have infiltrated much of the world's governments, and businesses, creating a culture of fear and naitivity. This group is opposed by people who have realized what is going on, and have chosen to "live off the grid", the world wide blanket of surveillance and control. The Tabula in bent on destroying these groups, specific certain people called Travellers. Travellers are people who can project their "light" (Souls) into other dimensions and realms. From these realms they bring back information (free will, living off the grid, living off the land) that is against the society created by the Tabula . Travellers over the centuries have become great leaders of men: holy men, prophets, genius, and change society for the better. The Tabula sees them as dangerous subversives and are bent on destroying them, which they have over the centuries. Harlequins and sword protectors of the Travellers, lonely fighting machines, who's only purpose in life in to protect the Traveller.
Both Travellers and Harlequins, being systematically wiped out, only number a few as we come to the modern era. Maya is a Harlequin from birth, abandoning that life to attempt to live a normal citizen. The daughter of a famous German Harlequin, she is thrust into the midst of this war on her father's last wish. She is asked to find and defend the two last remaining known Travellers, and travels to the States to do so. While there, she uncovers a massive plot by the Tabula, to use one of the travellers to contact, and perhaps eventually cross over to the other realms.
The plot is well written, has some really nice twists, and the character development is excellent. And overall feeling of paranoia and mystery is carried through the novel, and several ideas of free will, anti-technology, and religion are also explored in the novel. The book has a very interesting Buddhist cosmology to it, and it a excellent mix of fantasy, sci-fi, magic and cyberpunk.
This will easily translate to the big screen and reportedly the movie rights have already been sold. Can't wait to read the next installment.
I am Malach and I can read.
Kick The Paranoia
After reading this, I have decided to up my paranoia and conspiracy theory quotient.
So, are the MASONS responsible for the New World Order?
Is the King of France a pygmie?
Aliens. Nuff said.
Here's your "Tag"
Like I have time for that kind of shit, people. C'mon.
Anyway, Here's Dick on why going into Iraq would be a bad idea (circa 1994)
Life Is: Voton the Conqueror
Sharp. I will make this stone sharp. I will make this stone sharp for my family and for Nod, almighty firey chariot of the heavens. I will have a sharp stone to remove the heads and limbs of my enemies. he sharp stone will bite at the heels of my warriors as they run into battle. The sharp stone will conquer.
The hunt is over. We must hunt men now. Those villages there, there and there. They will have food. They've hunted well. We will hunt them, my brothers. We will take their food and feed our own. What match is the stick for the sharp stone? We are not boars and hart. We are men. Men set traps. Men attack. Men are guided by visions.
We will put mud on our faces and skins over our heads. He will howl like this and frighten them. The sight of their own red blood will frighten them. Our women will wait for those who flee. Our women will set their sharp stickis in the ground and catch those who run in the thorns of madness. We will dot our faces in blood.
Men who feel pain will not go. We will test each man, then give him a weapon or send him with the women. We will drink from the root and see visions. Our visions will guide us. The sharp stone will clear the way. We will have food for the cold season. We will grow strong and take other villages. We will take their women and children and kill their men. If they have fire, we will add it to ours.
Nod willing, every man will have his own village before the planting season. Every man will have his own village of workers and women. We will be safe and well fed. Every village will be ours. Every man our family. We will be the only hunters.
Sharp stone, make this so.
Videos of the Piper's Vacation in Ireland
Another Malach exclusive.
Yeah, the Piper said he was going with his brother and old man, but you and I both know that was just a code phrase. It was really him and Hobbs, frolicing in the Irish countryside, and this video proves it.
I am Malach and I got a harem and I don't share'em
Dr. Mantodea is a Book-Thievin' Sonofabitch!
In other news, I'm back from Ireland.
Look for updates soon on my blog. I'll have lots to say.
SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE
Flash Gordon
Shame on the Sci Fi Network for making a new Flash Gordon Series. Don't you realize you will NEVER be able to compete with this:
I am Malach, and he will save everyone of us
Hump Day Jokes
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
~*~*~*~*~*~
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
~*~*~*~*~*~
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'". "Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
Life Is: The Town Drunk
I'm a cold morning song away from freezing and so I need money. Shelterfood coffee free and easy to get maybe a shower today. No shower. No hot water. No coffee. Just food. Fine. Need some money.
Oh cute when you and your daughter cross the street more human than me. I can take it. I was in the war but that was years ago and maybe I wasn't who knows I'm not telling you anyways. Raining. A shower after all. Two dollars, thank you sir, God bless you. A cup of coffee now. No need to rush I have all day and coffee will help the headache I already have cigarettes. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. They never look at me like I'm invisible. Maybe I can do anything. No one looks at me. How'd you know to step over me without looking?
Fat bastard. I could make ten suits out of his. You eat everyday fat boy? I'll eat you for dinner if you don't put down your phone and stop laughing at me inside you asshole. Get a job?
"Call Jenny Craig." Oh shit. Of course he can see me. No one else looks but here he comes and he's ten times bigger than me I'd hate to spill my coffee run. Ha! Look at the fatboy chase me. I can still run. My head is splitting but I can run from him or the cops and dentists. You heard me. Dentists come and take you off the street to practice at the local clinic only they don't ask and you have to run.
Five dollars thank you ma'am God bless you you fucking make up counter. Two more dollars. I love the park. I love my naked foot all bloody and green. Move to the bandstand and maybe catch a nap but leave the sign out no there's a dog. I hate dogs. Lay in the sun on the grass and sing my cold cold morning song with the dirty words and have a talk with officer Brown again about my singing and the families with their kids and ten dollars, well God bless you officer Brown and I will use it for food I promise. A good man officer Brown when he's not dragging you to the carpet and twisting your arm into his shiney freaking handcuffs smelling of Lectric Shave Aqua Velva.
No that's quite enough God bless you sir. It's lunch time already at the office. No time to eat. Lunch is served and ten dollars and God bless you and it's steak and cheese and a limo ride uptown and a shower and a new home. No it's a bottle of whatever's on sale. Oh! Fine by me fine by me. The world is my house how romantic. Perhaps a trip to the lue and retire to the den for the special cigarette.
Winter is dark early and there's no barrel fire tonight because the cops are running things and I can't seem to get warm. The shelter's not serving because of the booze and we're all out in the cold again so it's off to the steam tunnels. I'll let you have the other half of that funny cigarette with me and we'll split your bottle and eat the rest of this sandwich where did I get that from again?
My ribs are sharper than the ground I wonder. Never been afraid of being alone so go on if you're going to stay up and take the bottle it's yours anyway I think I'm tired. What a great sleep it is to dream but I rarely do except when I'm dry and exhausted which is never and always so I hardly dream ever. It's warm but not safe here who cares I'm tired and no one will make any of this go away that east but my shoe. I don't want to lose my one good shoe.
OK, I think I fixed the T-Shirt thing
Let see
I had to redo the WoW t-shirt becuase Zazzle did not like Palmer or Linkmaster's avatars, do I removed them and added something related to them. I think this one will pass.
The back says: The Wand of Wonder, where you find THE TRUTH in media.
As and added bonus, I also made this one:
The back on this one says: Wikipedia has determined this t-shirt is not relevant and a candidate for swift deletion.
Enjoy those.
I am Malach, and you smell; wanna take a shower together.
New 'Meet the Heroes" post.
And don't forget, if you haven't read the beginning, KEEP UP!
Link
I plug because I care and you'll like it. You will. Seriously. Just try it!
Hump Day Jokes
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it!
He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets.
He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
~hump day love~
I'm Loving It!
After a hard day of armed robbery, I prefer Mc Donald's to any other fast food place (even Arby's). Let's face it: fast food has to be FAST. I gotta get away from the Po-Po, you know!
Mmmmmmmm, mmmmm. Nothing like a f*cking BIC MAC for the mac dad of stealing sh*t. I get a 20 piece chicken Mc Nugget, a few cheeseburgers and a soda. They have Coke. Not just the Coke you drink from a glass, but the kind you smoke... FROM A GLASS PIPE! Gimme dat f*cking clown burger! Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmm. Sure beats Arby's.
Say, I got an idea. I could ROB a Mc Donald's and then an Arby's, abandon a few kids in my car and go on a killing spree that would make the Angry Veteran blush.
Man, I'm loving it!
BREAKING NEWS
George W. Bush Uses Executive Power to Limit Congress:
President Bush has apparently used a little known Executive Power to limit Congress' ability to pass legislation until 2009. I'm sure you liberals will have a field day with this.
Read on:
Here's the link.
Now, this may not be such a bad thing. Congress has had way too much power as of late. Also, congress really does nothing. They're useless. Why not let the more imtelligent branch of the government take over.
You know what else would be cool? If the Supreme Court had costumes and nicknames. And met only at midnight in a clearing outside the suburbs of Baltimore. Freaking cool...