Sports News

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The United States Government has traded Donald Rumsfeld for North Korean Premier Pak Pong-ju and a minor politician to be named later. Rumsfeld and his agent issued a 'play me or trade me' ultimatum to the United States after being benched in favor of rookie Robert Gates, who has shown promise over the last year.

The U.S. frequently cited Rumsfeld's behavior as a distraction and he has been compared to Terrell Owens in his tendency to be a bad locker room influence.

North Korea is excited at the prospect of having an all pro Secretary of Defense and have cited his ability to play both offense and defense as illustrated by his orchestration of the Second Gulf War. "We wish to invade Belgium," said Kim Jong Il in a press conference, "And Rumsfeld is our guy. He has unique abilities and we believe he can incite a war against any nation for any reason at any time and get away with it." When asked if Rumsfeld's antics might be a distraction, Kim Jong Il responded, "What were we talking about again?"

President Bush refused to comment by saying "Hey, man. Rummy had good hands and was a smart smart smart smart smart smart guy who we liked a lot. We had to trade him. He was awesome! This Ping Pong-po dude's got some big pants to fill, but I think if we feed him some children, he'll fatten up and get tough enough to start a great war in somewhere sandy and warm, like Hawaii. I love that volcano they got there. And them women are naked under those grass skirts. Can you see me winking in my mind, eh? Naked. Now, hush up, my bath is getting colder than my glass of milk and cookies. Mamma crumbles them up into the milk, you know? Kinda streamlines the process. Say, that's a nice tie! Give it to me or you'll go to Gymto or somewhere we can hit ya real nice and solid, hear?"

Sources around the league don't expect much to change for either nation, noting that all countries are really run by a secret cabal headed by Charlton Heston and Bee Arthur's ghost.