Hump Day Jokes ...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

~*~*~*~

10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving but Aren't...

1. "Reach in and grab the gibblets."
2. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
3. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!"
4. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
5. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
6. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
7. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
8. "It's cool whip time!"
9. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
10. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

~*~*~*~

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an Occupational Benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden?

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about?" The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about?"

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK, you win!" "The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

(Don't ya just love lawyers!)

~Have a Happy Turkey Day Woweees~