Hump Day Jokes....

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

(bet you thought I forgot ....smiles)

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

~*~*~

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

~*~*~

Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, father," she replied, "I once touched a man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "say a prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised land."

The second nun said, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, "Father," she shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!"

~wicked love to the ones ...I like!~