News Flash

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Found on a reliable site:

Archaeologists Discover That Mayan Calendar Is Actually A Pile of Rocks

Newsboys - Mexico

A team of archaeologists has discovered that the famed "Mayan Calendar" is actually just a pile of rocks with some strange writing on it. They also revealed that bits of paper were the only clues they had to go on to make this discovery. Henry Beautwa Milliue, head of The Great Big School of Archaeology and the left arm of the second Voltron super robot made the boring announcement.

"Much to zee displeasyure of conzpirasie buffs," he said in in snooty French accent, "Zay are jjjjjoooost ROCKS!" He then spit upon Newsboys correspondent Will Smith (yes, that Will Smith. He's going to make a better life for his son, dammit. Who cares what his shirt looks like!)

The team made the discovery while examining some old buildings in the jungle. The buildings were also made of rock. Newsboys is pretty sure the jungle is somewhere with lots of snakes and trees and dark skinned people live there. That's why we sent Will Smith. He's less conspicuous. My editor says to remove that remark. What an asshole.

Rocks are thing in the ground that are heavy and solid. You can throw smaller ones, called stones, and larger ones, called boulders, can never be moved. The rocks in question were somewhere in between the two sizes and no one knows how they got piled up for sure. Theories range from alien intervention, lost advanced civilizations (like Atlanta) or just plain old hard booty scratching work. If my editor calls me a racists one more time, I'm going to punch him. He's reading this right now. Go on, Mike. Say it you fat fuck! Thought so.

Anyways, somebody drew a bunch of stuff on these rocks and a few bits of paper helped smart people figure out it was a calendar. In the midst of all this, many people forgot they were just rocks like we all have in our backyard.

Conspiracy advocate Dwane Finance believes the calendar is more than 'just rocks'. "The calendar has fortold many events in the past and will fortell the future," he explains. When asked to give some examples he says "World War II, the Gulf War and September 11th. Plus it predicts the end of days on December 21st 2012." When told that Newsboys had watched a special on Nostradamus that claimed he did the same things, Finance shouted back, "It's not the same!" Newboys then teased him by saying that the rocks in our backyard agree with the Mayan rocks. The interview was concluded when Newboys correspondent Will Smith immitated Muhammed Ali and stuck his big fat lower lip out and made monkey sounds.

Will Smith is funny.

The controversy refuses to die, much like Rasputin, who is also a controversial figure. That was quite clever. But for now, Archaeologists brightest stars shine on in their conviction that the Mayan Calendar is made of jungle rocks.