The Judgement of Dr. Mantodea

Monday, February 05, 2007

I found out later that Pooh's bullet, under contract from Murk, had exploded my green cranium like a melon. At the time I just felt a little sting, then I was weightless and floating towards a beautiful light. A Sense of peace overcame me, no doubt because all my stresss hormones were still back on Earth seeping from my ruptured skull.

As I ascended, the world around me turned to white clouds and light. I heard beautiful singing and children's laughter. As I came to stand on a ground that was made of pure cosmic energy, I saw a mighty gate open and a before me, sitting on a throne of pure light, was a gigantic figure, clad in silver and gold robes and his face obscured by a sun-like radiance that prevented me from looking directly at it.

[YAHWEH] COME FORWARD, MY CHILD, YOU HAVE COME BEFORE ME FOR JUDGMENT OF YOUR LIFE AND NOW KNOW THE TRUTH.

[Mantodea] "Holy shit!"

[YAHWEH] "DO NOT BLASPHEME"

[Mantodea] "What?"

[YAHWEH] "..."

[Mantodea] "You... You have got to be fucking kidding me! You mean they were right when they said you would care about shit like that?!"

[YAHWEH] "AS WRITTEN IN LEVITICUS TWEN..."

[Mantodea] "Whoa, Whoa, hold the frak on there, Toothfairy-Supreme, I didn't ask you to quote scripture. I can get that same shit without having to die first. You're sitting right in front of me! I want YOU to tell ME what YOU think, in 2007 American English."

[Mantodea] "Are you the biblical God that the Christians and Jews and Muslims follow?"

[YAHWEH] "I AM"

[Mantodea] "And do you condemn those who refuse to follow the word of the bible because there is not proof?"

[YAHWEH] "I SHALL NOT BE TESTED BY MAN! FAITH IN ME REQUIRES NO PROOF."

[Mantodea] "What the hell was with the plagues of Egypt then? Kinda proving shit there, weren't ya?"

[YAHWEH] "THE PHARAOH FOLLOWED HIS FALSE GODS, AND DID NOT HEED THE WARNING OF MY PROPHET."

[Mantodea] "Maybe the fact that you "hardened his heart" so he wouldn't listen might have had something to do with that. Oh, and I like the way you punished all those innocent kids who had no choice in the matter, but because they are the wrong ethnic group it was okay to kill them with the creeping death..."

[YAHWEH] "..."

[Mantodea] "Anyway... it's not important. I'm just asking-- is an atheist or an animist, or a Native American in the wrong because they don't believe some fat missionary who claims to speak for you?"

[YAHWEH] "ALL WHO ACCEPT MY PRESENCE SHALL KNOW ETERNAL LIFE AND THOSE WHO DENY IT SHALL FACE JUDGMENT FOR THEIR FOLLY. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, MY CHILD, TO QUESTION MY PLAN."

[Mantodea] "Bullshit! You gave me a brain with "Free Will" and I'm using that to question you, Maryfucker."

[Mantodea] "Like; why is it important what two lowly humans do in their bedroom if they aren't hurting anyone?"

[Mantodea] "And why is it important for people to accept you, and worship you, if they are capable of living good lives and not kill anyone without doing so?"

[Mantodea] "Why are you so uptight about people inquiring about the universe you made for us? Why is it wrong for us to use the brains you gave us for something other than memorizing your scriptures?"

[Mantodea] "And why is it OUR fault for not believing in You, if the only reasons we are given are from other, very flawed, mortals telling us you exist?!"

[YAHWEH] "MY PRESENCE IS OBVIOUS TO THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE OPEN TO ME"

[Mantodea] "But how are we supposed to open our hearts to you if we don't have a reason to think you're real? Are we supposed to just guess which faith to follow?"

[YAHWEH] "I AM THE HOLY FATHER. MY LOVE IS ETERNAL."

[Mantodea] "Yeah, my love can be eternal too, if I take enough Viagra."

[Mantodea] "Are the Christians right about your attitudes on things like premarital sex, birth control, sex education, teaching science and the role of women?"

[YAHWEH] "PRETTY MUCH"

[Mantodea] "Gays?"

[YAHWEH] "ICKY, THOUGH LESBIANS ARE KINDA HOT, UNLESS THEY'RE UGLY DYKES...THEN THEY'RE ICKY TOO"

[Mantodea] "Darfur?"

[YAHWEH] "UNFORTUNATE, BUT I HAVE TOO MANY OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT... LIKE GAYS."

[Mantodea] "G.W.Bush?"

[YAHWEH] "WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A BEER WITH HIM."

[Mantodea] "Okay then. I'm done."

[YAHWEH] "WE HAVE NOT YET STARTED YOUR JUDGMENT, DONALD MANTODEA."

[Mantodea] "Uh, don't bother. I've made MY judgment. You can save your infinite time. I renounce you."

[YAHWEH] "WHAT?"

[Mantodea] "Fuck you."

[Mantodea] "You're even more fucking pitiful that the humans who worship you. I can almost excuse them, because they have fallible human brains made up of a chemical stew that is way to easy to screw up. But you, Mr. Almighty, are just as petty and obsessive about stupid little crap as an 80 year old nun."

[Mantodea] "You created the whole freakin' universe and yet you give a shit about whether or not I jerk off to pictures of the Angry Piper in my bedroom."

[YAHWEH] "HMMM, THAT ONE ISN'T ON MY LIST. MUST HAVE SLIPPED BY, I'LL ADD THAT."

[Mantodea] "I was speaking hypothetically, you omni-idiotic-tool!"

[YAHWEH] "OH... I KNEW THAT."

[Mantodea] "You are the most powerful being in the universe, or so you claim, and yet you still have this petty need for acknowledgement by your creations. Like a six-year-old getting pissed cuz his ant farm is ignoring him. Furthermore, instead of encouraging us to develop morality based on adult concepts of ethics you insist on mandates that must be blindly followed. How is it a moral life to do the right thing because you want eternal reward or fear eternal punishment? A three-year-old will 'do the right thing' to avoid a spanking!"

[Mantodea] "I would rather spend an eternity in hell, than one more minute with you. Tell me how would being in your obnoxious presence and that of you're holier than thou..."

[YAHWEH] "THEY ARE NOT HOLIER THAT ME"

[Mantodea] "fine... holier than..er.. 'Thy'... God, I hate it when you interrupt! How would Hell be any worse? Like it's going to be a fucking eternal party hanging out with an assholes like You and Jerry Falwell?"

[YAHWEH] VERY WELL. YOU SHALL SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT IN THE DARKNESS BY BEING KEPT FROM MY PRESENCE.

[Mantodea] "Fine!"

[YAHWEH] "FINE."

[Mantodea] "Fine!!"

[YAHWEH] "FINE!!"

--

As I plummeted earthward, I saw a vast black chasm open before me, but then I was violently jerked to the left (that always seems to happen) and found myself shooting towards Boston at unimaginable speeds.

[YAHWEH] "AH, SHIT"

I woke up coughing amniotic fluid as my newest clone revived in the vat. I noticed the conveyer that shunts the new clones into the prep area was out of sync with the transponder I keep on my body to activate it when I die. I'll need to fix that.

Then my thoughts turned to the experience I had; the bright lights, the sense of peace, and the conversation with the Almighty.

"What a fuckin' putz" I thought to myself.

"I then went up to my room to spend some alone time with the Angry Piper's photo."

--