Americans are all about convenience. Things that never bothered us before suddenly become tiresome and unnecessary once someone invents a way to make it faster, easier, and more streamlined. There's a new product out that does just that.
Now that you've seen an ad for birth control, I will console you. Scroll down a bit to see who wrote this. It's me, guys, your friendly, non-confrontational Horacian satirist. I'm not going to get into some political discussion about how birth control was invented by Dakota Fanning in order to halt the return of Christ or how birth control is a better invention than the combustion engine. You know what to expect with me, so take two breaths and come with me.
This new birth control pill is chewable, which is so much harder than, you know, swallowing a pill. Swallowing, which is so easy your grandparents do it every day to stay alive, is just way too hard. I can see where the whole "birth control on the go" idea would technically be a revolutionary step in a birth controlled world, but there is just one little thing that keeps this from being a miracle drug.
My mother pointed something out to me. If you'll take a look at the bottom of the ad at right about 12 seconds or so, you will see the phrase that is the two hours traffic of my rant:
"Followed by a full glass of liquid."
What? Wait, you mean to tell me that this pill is chewable, but it still requires the liquid that most people use when swallowing a pill? Isn't that, like, adding unnecessary exercise to taking a pill? And they're marketing this...to Americans? It seems like they are really missing the target audience here. They've not only destroyed any hope of "convenience" with their product, but they have actually tried to add steps in their process that make it more complicated than what is already available.
So the next time you rush out to buy the next tier of ultimate convenience for what is probably hundreds of dollars more than what you are currently paying, take a step back to realize that birth control was actually made by Dakota Fanning in order to halt the return of Christ.
A Self-Negating Convenience
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Posted by Hojo at 1:05 AM
Labels: Birth Control, Dakota Fanning is Satan, Hojo, Idiocy, Rants
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8 comments:
It has just occurred to me that swallowing is itself a form of birth control. Unfortunately, I realized this after press time.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stupid Women
Awesome. Hey, let the cows do what they do best, chew and swallow!
Ha!
Wait until they come out with the latex, unrollable, non gastric, apply directly to the penis pill. AKA the condom.
we believe that human population has gone out of control. We drive through the getto and see young people with 3 children. We notice that the less educated, the more breeding happens. We believe that chewable birth control is not enough.
We propose the 1 to 1 cap on humans having children. Each person is allowed one offspring. Only one. Which means, a couple may have 2 children. After that, tubes are tied. Unmarried? Essentially, what we propose is 2 children per female of the species in this case. If a man impregnates his girlfriend, and then she is no longer his girlfriend, he must get tied.
Hmm, maybe this should be based on a reward system. We have changed our proposal slightly. A Couple that is married is allowed 2 children. However, should someone get pregnant out of wedlock, that is it. One child. Both get tied. The end.
Is Hojo upset he don't have a chewable pill for his bleeding vagina?
I love when anonymous posters question other people's courage.
I love people who wear bowler hats to cover up the gross conjoined twin on the top of their head.
I love when anonymous posters need to post using the same lame name twice.
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