Congress Alters First Amendment; Stops Russert Coverage

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

ROYTERS –
Congress acted swiftly to rush through legislation to make a minor change to the First Amendment. States held online conventions and quickly ratified the change. The new First Amendment is now governing law and reads:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
However, nothing shall limit the power of Congress to prevent excess news coverage of Tim Russert’s death.
Congress responded to the change and passed a law preventing any further news coverage regarding Russert. Congress took the unprecedented action in response to a swell of public outcry regarding NBC’s extensive coverage of the death of Tim Russert. MSNBC and NBC have been devoting nearly 45 minutes of every broadcast hour to Russert’s death, despite the fact that Russert was not a world leader, political figure, or Britney Spears’ crotch. “Was it really necessary to devote all of Friday to Tim Russert’s death? Was it appropriate to have news anchors start crying all the time? Did the media totally lose their objectivity on this one? We didn’t give this much coverage to Gerald Ford, for Christ’s sake,” complained a media critic who spoke on the condition of anonymity, fearing that criticizing anything Russert-related may result in expulsion from the news media for ideological crimes, “I’ve never been one to accuse the media of exploiting coverage, but images of Mary Matalin and James Carville crying on the set of Meet the Press come pretty close. This level of coverage should only be reserved for celebrity trips to rehab.”
The change to the First Amendment have left many former strict-constructionists and First Amendment protectors having to explain their sudden change in course. “Look, I’ve fought hard against attempts to change the First Amendment for a long time,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “I’ve resisted the urge to introduce an anti-flag-burning Amendment and I’ve fought against restrictions on donations to political campaigns, but enough is enough. If I have to hear one more thing about Tim and his dad, I’m going to lose it. He wrote a book about how much he loved his dad; it’s wonderful and touching until you HEAR IT FOR THE EIGHT THOUSANDTH TIME! The media’s been playing this non-stop since Friday and it has to end. If this keeps up, I’ll have to turn off my TV and read a book. You’d think Russert was Anna Nicole Smith or something.”
“While I generally think that Mitch McConnell is a total douchebag, he’s right on this, enough is enough,” commented Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), “I mean, good Lord, is it absolutely necessary to devote the Saturday edition of The Today Show to Russert dying and to have it hosted by Matt Lauer? The tribute on Meet the Press was completely appropriate, but did Lauer really need to interview Russert’s kid on Monday? Does MSNBC really need to keep replaying it? You all know that I voted against the PATRIOT Act out of concerns for its intrusions on personal freedoms, but I don’t think that this sort of non-stop coverage is the kind of thing that our Constitution was meant to protect. Also, my Iowa colleagues’ houses are under water. Do you think that the media could take some of its precious time to talk about that? And, hey, by the way, what ever ended up happening to that disputed election in Zimbabwe? Is that even a country anymore?”
NBC is greatly troubled by the recent course of action. “There goes our 58 Days of Tim: One Day For Every Year of his Heroic Life!” said Chris Matthews, “What do they expect us to cover? I mean, a celebrity’s not in trouble or dead, American Idol is over until next year, and there’s no hurricane. Even worse, we don’t have an international crisis or a threat to national security. Wait, I vaguely remember somethig about a war in one of those camel jockey countries. Can I get a fact-check on that?”