Dear Malach...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mal, my old friend, you and I have known each other a long time in every way but the Biblical sense. You are truly one of my best friends. And as such, I feel I can speak to you in a direct and no-nonsense manner that will efficiently convey my feelings to you with no dissembling whatsoever.

I hate your irritating habit of adding music to webpages. I fucking hate it. And every time I visit a fucking web page awash with the fetid stench your music-blasting spoor, I begin to hate you.
Yes, I know it is a small matter to simply hit the stop button on my browser to cease your embedded music files from polluting my ears, but in some cases it is not enough.

For example-- Take the post below me: one of your witty YouTube findings you wish to share with us. Jesus Christ: the Musical. At first glance, it would seem to be something funny,as blasphemy is always funny. Well, maybe not to Toyi, but to the rest of us it is. So I clicked it. And while it loaded, I found myself not laughing, but gritting my teeth in rage as I could not determine whether Jesus was dancing and singing to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" or Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On", as both were playing at the same fucking time.

So, I did what anyone who was annoyed would do. I swore. Then I clicked my stop button, but the Son of Man continued to cavort and prance to a maddening mishmash of musical merde, a Zeppelin/Gaynor cacophony which they must surely play in the 9th circle of Hell. If the demon sultan Azathoth writhes blindly to the horrid music of the spheres, that's the stuff he has on his IPod.

By now I was beyond pissed off. I was ignoring Christ's revelry, desperately clicking my stop button, to no avail. And then I found the source of the music, this post of yours. Why, Malach, do you subject us all to your (admittedly varied and unique) taste in music? Make it interactive. As in those people who want to listen can click on it. Don't make us all listen to it, especially when there's much better content available, like Jesus Christ: the Musical. Which I found hilarious, once I realized he was singing "I Will Survive."

Don't make me kill you.