Senator down! We have a Senator down!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

WASHINGTON -- With Democrat's grasp of the Senate currently looking thinner than Nicole Richie after a night of binge drinking and endless purging, ultimate control of the chamber hung on the health of a South Dakota senator who underwent brain surgery Thursday morning.

Sen. Tim Johnson, a lowly Democrat, was in critical condition, said David Boyd, a male nursing supervisor at a George Washington University Hospital.

Should Johnson not be able to complete his term, which ends in 2008, South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds, who coincidently happens to be a Republican, would appoint his replacement, which could shift the balance of power in the Senate.

Democrats gained a 51-49 Senate majority after last month's election. A GOP appointee would result in a 50-50 split and allow the GOP to retain Senate control through Vice President Dick Cheney's tie-breaking vote.

Johnson, 59, was out of surgery at 12:30 a.m. Thursday, a source close to the senator told The WoW. He was hospitalized Wednesday morning after he appeared to suffer stroke-like symptoms.

Adm. John Eisold, attending physician of the U.S. Capitol, told The WoW that Johnson had "an intracerebral bleed caused by a congenital arteriovenous malformation. He underwent successful surgery to evacuate the blood and stabilize the malformation."

Reporters at The Wow are guessing that doctors will use trans balanced harmonic muffler overbearing ceramic implants that will be surgically inserted into Johnson's cerebral flux cavities to repair the damage.

Conspiracy theorists are already coming forward to say that the Republicans are behind the injury and somehow either poisoned or injured Sen. Johnson in a deliberate attempt to win back the Senate.

What else might the Republican Party be willing to do to win back or maintain control?

• Watch every single episode of The WB's Pinky & The Brain to see if they can glean any helpful knowledge.
  
• Reinstate the Confederacy and drop nuclear bombs on anything north of the Mason-Dixon line.
  
• Have all Democratic senators go on a hunting trip with Vice President Cheney.
• Ask the Russian government for tips on posioning people with radioactive materials.
  
• Reactiviate Chuck Barris as a CIA Assassin and deploy him to work throughout the blue states.
• Bring Ronald Reagans' brain out of cold storage and attach it to a IBM Supercomputer to see what diabolical schemes it can come up with now.
  
• Take Barack Obama down to the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas, TX and teach him a lesson he won't soon forget.
  
• Party like it's 1999. (or, 2001, actually.)