Hump Day Yucks.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

And Oldie but Goodie

Once upon a time there was a old man, in a beat up jalopy, and he was going on vacation, about halfway through his trip, he saw storm clouds up ahead. He wanted to out race the storm, and get back on the highway. He drove down the dark rickety dirt road and came to a fork, not marked on his map. The left fork led into the woods, the right, down a open field, but right into the storm. He went left and entered the woods. The woods were dark and a bit scary, and soon, the storm caught up to the man, and it was pouring. Lightning flashed, and hit a tree, spilling into the path of the man, who crashed into it. The man car was totalled, but he was unhurt. He cilmbed out of the car and looking around saw a old victorian mansion about a mile away, with lights on, he headed toward the mansion for help.

Just at that time a young couple on their honey moon, was heading down the same rickety dirt road, just a few minutes behind the man. They were lost and trying to find the highway, and came to the split. They too saw the dark storm clouds, and took the left passage into the dark scary woods. They soon came upon the tree and the wrecked jalopy. The stopped their sleek european sedan next to the jalopy and got out, looking for the owner. Just then lighting stuck another tree, which tipped over onto the couples car crushing it. They did not find the owner of the jalopy, but saw a huge victorian mansion, about a mile away, with lights on. They decided to walk there and seek some help.

A few minutes after the couple a hippie in a VW Bus, was driving the same dirt road. Pot smoke poured out the open window. The Hippie was high and lost, and lo and behold takes the same rickety dirt road as the old man and the honeymooning couple, the same fork into the scary dark wood. High and not paying attention he smashes into the pile of cars. He is unhurt, and quickly sees that there is a old victorian mansion up ahead, that has lights on, he decides to go there to seek help.

A few minutes after that, a nun, driving a beat up sedan, comes down the dirt road. She decides to take the fork into the woods, and as that will take her through God's Country. She turns down the road and comes upon the massive pile up of cars. She stops and gets out hoping she can help, that is when a huge gust of wind, knocks a large limb off a tree, and crushes her little car (sorry angry piper). She sees no one in the wrecks, but does see the large victorian mansion with lights on up ahead, she decides to go there to seek help.

About this time the old man walks the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain and arrives at the mansion in about 20 minutes. He walks up the large marble stair, to the front door and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentleman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yes," says the old man,"I seem to have been in a accident down the road, may I use you phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines; but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"That is very nice of your master, I will accept his offer", says the old man.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes the man through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the first one on the left, and says "you may stay here", and the old man enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for him.

About this time the couple has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain to the mansion. They walk up the large marble stair, to the front door, and ring the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yes" says the couple, "We seem to have like been in a accident down the road, and need to use your phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Well this is a fun start to our honeymoon", they say.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes them through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the second one the left, and says "you may stay here". The couple enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for them.

About this time the Hippie has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain to the mansion, and come down from his high. He walks up the large marble stair, to the front door, and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yeah man" says the Hippie, "I like, was in a crash back there and need to use your phone, man."

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Groovy man", he says.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes him through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the first one the right, and says "you may stay here". He enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for he. He immediatle crashes onto the massive bed.

About this time the nun has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and now pouring rain to the mansion, praying on her rosary beads. She walks up the large marble stair to the front door and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Thank Jesus" says the nun, "I seem to have like been in a accident down the road, and need to use your phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Your master is very kind, thank you", says the nun.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes her through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the second one the right, and says "you may stay here". The nun enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for her. She immediately kneels down to pray.

Aproximatley a hour after the group are lead to there rooms, and they have all but gotten ready for bed, there is a knock on the door of the old man. The Butler is there, "the master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow, me" and the old man does.

Next, there is a knock on the couples door, they have all but gotten ready for bed. They opne the door and the butler stands there with an old man. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the young couple get in line behind the old man.

Then there is then a knock on the hippies door, he has all but gotten ready for bed, he opens the door and there stands the butler, an old man, and a young couple. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the hippie gets in line behind the young couple.

Finally, there is a knock on the nuns door, she has all but gotten ready for bed. She opens the door and there stands the butler, an old man, a young couple, and a hippie. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the nun gets in line behind the hippie.

The group of them now go down the long hall, and down a long flight of stairs, and then down another long hall, and down another flight of stairs, and then down a long hall, and down another long flight of stairs, into the foyer, and through a archway into a dining room, they can see a kitchen beyond. Standing by the table is a older distingushed gentleman, with a pipe and a smoking jacket.

"This is the Master", says the butler. And everyone is introduced to the master and each other.

The Master speaks, "I am sorry at your unfortunate incident, but feel free to stay the night, one thing, please do not leave the floor you are on as this house is haunted, and the ghost are very violent". The Master leaves the stunned audience before they can question him any further.

"You may follow me" says the butler, and he leads them out of the dining room, via the archway, to the foyer and up the long stairs, and down the long hall, and up another long flight of stairs and down another hall, and finally up a long flight of stairs, and down a hall to their rooms, they all thank the butler and soon are fast asleep.

The old man wakes up in the middle of the night, he is deathly hungry, and decides that there should be some food, somewhere in here, so he leaves his room. He goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the old man finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, four armed scary monster, but before the creature can do anything, the old man rips off one of his arms, and takes a bite. "MMM, rich food is good." He shuts the fridge, and cradling the arm, he leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the first door on the left, and into his room. By that time he had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

Just as the old man fell asleep, the couple wakes up, are extremely hungry. They decide that there should be some food, somewhere in this large mansion, so they leave their room. They goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the couple finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, three armed scary monster, but they are so sleepy they don't notice. Before the creature can do anything, the couple rips off one of his arms, and takes a bite. "This is good, honey try some". They shut the fridge, and share the arm, as they leave the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time they had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

Just as the couple faded off into slumberland, the hippie wakes up, and has the muchies. He decides that there should be some food, somewhere in this crazy funhouse, so he leaves his room to find a snack. He goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the he finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, two armed scary monster, but he is still feeling the effects of the shrooms, and doesn't notice it. Before the creature can react, he rips off one of the creatures arms, and takes a bite. "Yum, that is far out". He shuts the fridge, and eats the arm as he leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time he had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

About this time the nun wakes up, is extremely hungry. She decides that there should be some food, somewhere in this large mansion, so she leaves her room to find some. She goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen, all the while blessing the house. It was very dark, and aspooky, but the she finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, one armed scary monster, but the nun hardly notices. Before the creature can do anything, the nun rips off his last arm, and takes a bite. "Wow, this is better than Mother Superior's gruel." She shuts the fridge, and eats the arm as she returns to her room. She leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time she had finished her meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

The morning arrives and there is a knock on the old mans door. "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

There is then a knock on the couples door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

Next, there is then a knock on the hippies door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

Finnally, there is a knock on the nuns door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

A half hour later, the old man, couple, hippie and nun leave their rooms, and meet in the hall at the simutaneously. The Butler is there waiting. "Follow me" he says. They follow down a long hall, and down a long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, and down another long flight of stairs, and finally down a third hall, and a third flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch and into the dining room. The master is already there. The guests take a seat and the master speaks.

"We have a problem," he begins, "I asked you not to leave your rooms, but some one did; but before we discuss this nasty matter, please have some breakfast. I don't have much to offer, but Corn Flakes and Rice Crispies, please tell my butler what you would like."

The Old Man says, "Corn Flakes."
The Man and Woman from the Honeymooning couple both state "Rice Crispies."
The Hippie says, "Rice Crispies."
And the Nun states, "Corn Flakes"

"Good" says the Master, "Now we can talk about who ate the arms off my monster."








And do you know what the moral of this story is? DO YOU?

The moral of this story is that 3 out of 5 people prefer Rice Crispies to Corn Flakes.

OK, if you heard this one before, how about this?
Zombie movies . . Malach does Zombie movies!

I am Malach and I am provocative.