Adrift: A Tale of the WoW

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The scene: an iceberg, roughly 50 ft, in diameter, adrift on a mostly calm ocean. Three women, one man, one man dressed like a woman and a huge insect are the iceberg’s current occupants.

Angry Piper (AP): Well, this sucks.

Just Me (JM): Sure does. How the hell did we get here, anyway?

Tainted-Love (TL): Beats me. One minute I was making a list of all the reasons I hate mustard, and the next: Poof! Here we are.

Toyita (T): Eet ees horrible. Nothing to see for miles and miles. Hold me, Senhor Piper.

AP: Sure, babe.

Malach (M): I’ll tell you why we’re here. It’s because we’re the only ones who post to the WoW anymore. Everyone else reads but rarely posts. (Speaking of reading, read Fat Bug.)

Dr. Mantodea (DM): How the fuck does that get us on an iceberg in the middle of nowhere?

M: Well, you see…the way I figure it, the iceberg is one of those metaphor things…

TL: Huh?

M: You know…the iceberg is the WoW. And we’re the only thing keeping it afloat. (Read Jesusman!)

DM: (Gestures towards the Angry Piper) You telling me that fat piece of shit is actually helping us stay above the water? Not likely, assbag.

M: You’re quite hostile.

DM: Fuck you. This is just about the worst day of my life, aside from the whole turning into a bug thing. Me, stuck on an iceberg with you five douche-nozzles. Maybe I should just drown myself.

AP: Sounds like a plan, bug-boy. Let me help.

JM: Wait, guys…don’t you think we should be trying to find a way off this iceberg, instead of getting into a dick-waving contest?

TL: Actually, I’d watch a dick-waving contest…

AP: At least I still have a dick. The bug has been sexless for years.

T: Let’s hold hands. I say we pray. God will help us.

DM: Congratulations, Toyi. You’ve just guaranteed you’ll be the first person I’m going to kill and eat.

M: I think we’re stuck here until more people post regularly.

AP: Then…uh…maybe we should start, you know…pairing off.

T: Pairing off?

AP: You know…finding mates. Three girls…three…uh…make that two guys and a freak of nature.

DM: Fuck you.

M: I can’t have sex with anyone else. My wife will absolutely kill me for even considering it.

DM: OK. Who wants me, then? I’m not fussy.

T: …

JM: …

TL: …

DM: That’s just great. Screw you all.

AP: You can’t blame them. What do they have to look forward to? Revolting sex that ends with you eating their heads. And did I fail to mention you have no dick?

DM: (To JM and TL) I hope you get Hepatitis and die. Piper has it, you know.

AP: I do not! You’re just pissed off because I get three hot ladies all to myself.

JM: Umm…actually… (looks at TL)

TL: We’re way more into each other.

AP: Figures. I guess it’s for the best. I can only disappoint one woman at a time.

T: And that woman ees me! Arrrrrriba!!!

M: I wish I could sit down, but my bum will stick to the ice.

DM: Serves you right for wearing those assless chaps. And you call me the freak of nature. Put some fucking pants on.

M: NEVER!

TL: Wait…is that a boat???

JM: Oh, my goddess! It IS!

T: Eet ees huge! Like the Piper’s manly parts!

DM: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

AP: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Mantis.

DM: So’s your mother.

M: It’s coming this way!

TL: Is that…

JM: Can it be???

M: It’s the S.S. Murk-errific!!!

DM: But Dr. Murk is dead…isn’t he?

A large harpoon thunks into the ice, dragging the iceberg towards the colossal ship. Suddenly, a brightly-colored figure appears over the rail of the boat, brandishing a star-spangled shield.

Angry Veteran (AV): Ahoy there!!!

M: It’s the Angry Veteran! We’re rescued!

DM: Thank Christ. This was already getting old.

JM: How did you get this swell boat, AV?

AV: Murk willed it to me. It’s mine now. I’d change the name to the S.S. Family Values, but it’s bad luck to change the name of a boat.

TL: With Murk dead, guess you’re out of a job, huh?

AV: Not exactly…

DM: Fascinating. Can we get the fuck out of here now?

AV: Sure. Climb aboard, all.

They all scramble up the ladder. The Angry Piper is last. Some might think this is for chivalry’s sake, but in truth he was hoping to see up the girls’ skirts. Instead, he comes face-to-face with the Angry Veteran at the top of the ladder.

AV: Sorry. Boat’s full.

AP: What? Stop screwing around. It’s a huge boat.

AV: Right. You can’t come on. Murk wouldn’t have wanted it.

AP: Murk’s dead. Now let me on!

AV: No. Besides, I work for someone else now, and he doesn’t want you aboard either.

AP: Get the fuck out of my way or so help me…

The Angry Veteran slams his star-spangled shield into the Angry Piper’s face, dislodging him from the ladder. He falls 30 feet, landing on the hard ice below sprawled in his kilt, his dangly unmentionables in full view.

AP: Ouch.

DM: Wow. He is huge.

AV: Hey Piper!! My new boss, Hobbs von Wackamole, sends his love and says, and I quote: “I’m back, bitch!” I’m also supposed to give you something. Wait a sec!

The Angry Veteran disappears below decks, returning after a few minutes holding a box at arms length. He drops the box overboard, where it shatters on the ice, dislodging a very irate skunk.

AV: Have fun making friends! AV...out!