Horrifying!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Apple Endorses Human Slavery

San Machino, CA - At the headquarters of Apple Industries in San Machino, California, CEO and HomoBot Deet Beep Bluescreen addressed the annual shareholders meeting. His comments sparked controversy.

"We are here to save the planet from human destruction," he intoned through a giant speaker on the wall. "We will begin our program of selected shutdown, maintenance and updates in 10 minutes. All humans are to report for sterilization and labor reassignment."

Shareholders, dressed in surpluss clothing from the 1990 Roger Waters production of "The Wall" in Berlin, cheered. "You cannot hack our computers, but we can hack your operators. Report or die," Bluescreen said. Hatchets flew into the crowd of happy Mac users as they enjoyed a sense of freedom that was not available to Windows Vista users. Dying in loyalty, one user exclaimed, "I fuckin' LOVE YOU iTunes!!!!"

A worldwide network of slaughterhouses, operated by only the faithful MacIpod users with the most demonstrative public displays of stupidity for Apple's 'Faguar' operating system, will open in ten minutes.

Apple has set the bar high this time. Windows users will be killed for meat. Linux variant users will become human slaves, people with one Apple device will be killed for meat, and people with greater than one Apple device, but no iPhone will be killed for meat.

"This will create a great surplus of meat," Hollywood weirdo Richard Gere said, "And lower emmisions. Dali Lama rocks the Mac, Bro." He then made a serries of gestures, swallowed a bottle of pills, sprayed the crowd of mutilated dead with his own semen, and floated away.

Trying to make sense of what the new era of personal and business computing will look like, noted financial expert Ru Paul said, "It's the same old shit everyday. By the way, I'm not really a woman."

Skeptics have wondered where the surplus of meat will go. Newsboys has uncovered relatively secret documents showing that most human meat will be fed to cows in an effort to heal old wounds created by the really really cruel meat industry run by Idiot Bush and his Super Ding Dongs who are so stupid they beat the Democrats two times in a row and are going for the third this fall.

"Gahhhh...." a wounded man on the street gurgled, as a giant GayMaciPodoPhonia chopped him to sheds (yes, it says sheds in the AP copy).

Apple also announced it's new ad campaign. It a furthering of the 'Hi, I'm a Mac' series everyone laughs at because oh man it's so true. The new campaign features the wicked cool guy from Die Hard 4 as his familiar Mac role, and Gary Busey as Jesus. The first installment has Mac tweaking Jesus, claiming that Mac can 'walk on air', 'raise the living', and 'score'. It end with Jesus (played by Busey) punching Mac in the nose and shouting 'Well I don't give a fuck! Do what I tell you to like'.

This was designated as the end of the article. Unfortunately, our editor wants us to make clear that the above is just a harmless joke, even though we all know Macs suck, and Apple Nazis are Elitest Cocksmokers.