Are You Ready?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Murk and Malach for President in 2008! Now that we've put Polanski in a concrete and steel pillar in South Boston, the way is clear. We want change just like you do. Unlike our esteemed competition, we'll do more than say Yes We Can, or Shut Up Blackie, or 4 More Oil. We'll lay out a step by step plan.

1. You all elect us. It's a write in thing. You can still be a Democrat or a Republican and vote for us because the popular vote doesn't count anyways!!!

2. We win the popular vote and still don't get the Electoral votes and we lose.

3. Unlike Al Gore, we ignore the Electoral College and squat the White House. If they kick us out, we run the nation from The Palatial Mansion. Come on, you all want a leader who is actually two different people with no legitimate claim to power that dictates broad social reforms from a Palatial Mansion, don't you?

4. We immediately declare the election null and void, close down congress (the REAL problem with this country) and let the Supreme Court wildly interpret laws in ways which send money and hot supermodels to all our cohorts. And they'll do it too, because we'll fucking burn them if they don't.

5. We will change the national anthem to "We're Not Going To Take It" by Twisted Sister. We also kick out all religious people unless they convert to the People's Church, which will be run by Jim Jones' son (with Jesse D. holding a gun to his head and shouting "SAY IT! SAY IT!" even though he hasn't told him what to say).

6. We begin the wholesale cruel slaughter of all vegetables across the land for a huge feast. We force Coca Cola to bring back Coke Blak and then smash every last bottle of it.

7. We put more drugs in our schools. Wait, no. More books ABOUT drugs. No. Just some beanbags and a few Pink Floyd posters. The new educational mantra is "Wait! Just fucking think about THAT for a second!"

8. We give all pit bulls and talk show hosts sex changes and euthanize people on our Secret List.

9. We ALWAYS wash our hands before returning to work. No schmeg or dick cheese fouling up our laws...

10. We return to the Monroe Doctrine. Except our interpretation is "Take All Land and Property from Italy and Give It To Australia." Imagine the possibilities.

Feel free to submit other thing we could do to help this great nation great again even though it's a great nation now.