Loyalism

Friday, November 30, 2007

I was doing jello shots with Rudy and arguing about which Arab country he should nuke first if he gets to be President when my cellphone rang. It was Dick, and he wanted me in the Oval Office, right away.

“We need you to sign this paper,” Dick explained, pushing a form across the desk at me. I touched the paper, which immediately burst into flames and incinerated itself. I smiled at Dick.

“Oops. Sorry. What was it, anyway?”

“It’s a Loyalism Oath,” George broke in proudly. “We’re gonna make everyone sign ‘em, make ‘em promise to only vote for Republicans, like they’re doin’ down in Virginia.”

“Why not just outlaw all the other political parties like your pal, Putey-Pute?” I asked, laughing. “That would be more efficient.”

George turned and stared at a signed photo of Vladimir Putin he kept on his desk and frowned. “He don’t call me no more,” he said sadly. “You think he’s mad at me or sumthin’?”

“Never mind that,” Dick broke in roughly, “I’ll get another copy. You have to sign it, everyone will have to sign it if they want to vote in the next election”.

“You could just arrest all your political opponents, like your pal, Pervez,” I suggested.

“Or we could just Deportize ‘em all, you know, like illegal alienists,” George added.

Dick shook his head. “Not for another few years. I think this is an easier way to get Congress back and keep the White House. We are going to call it the Patriot Pact”.

I had to hand it to Dick, the man’s clever with names. But I wasn’t signing.

“I don’t sign anything, Dick,” I reminded him. “Other people sign my pacts. You know that. You signed one yourself”.

Dick shrugged. “Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

“That’s right,” George broke in. “My pal Putey’s got a new system for elections where you have to vote for his party to keep your job”. He looked wistfully at the photo on his desk. “I wish he’d call me,” he whispered mournfully.

I slipped out. I hate it when George gets whiney. And I had to be over at Hillary’s place in an hour. She was going to be re-aligning her policy positions, and she’d asked my to bring the dart board and six pack.