Hump Day Jokes

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

You Might Have a Redneck Thanksgivings if:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

~*~*~*~*~

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

1. Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left

those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition,

and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

3. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the

turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

5. Whenever someone at the table says a word

beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

6. When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

7. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

9. Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on

just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

11. As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd,

I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

12. Hold your nose while you eat.

13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom,

I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender,

and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

16. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,

he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms,

and then they are free to go.

17. During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

18. Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

19. Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug"

gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,

"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

~*~*~*~*~

A lady was pawing through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough to feed her large family.

Annoyed, she asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The startled stock boy replied, "Heck no, ma'am, they're all dead."

~*~*~*~*~

Have a happy happy turkey day everyone!

~turkey lovin for the wicked~