Drinking the Kool-Aid-

Friday, November 02, 2007

Fall is my favorite time of year- all the trees look like they’re on fire (ah, sweet memories of home!) and being election season, it’s the time my services are most in demand by politicians desperate to make last-minute deals. With the Presidential race heating up incomprehensibly early, it’s been pretty busy. The Political Kool-Aid suppliers have been busy too, as you can tell by the way some of the candidates have been twisting themselves into psychotic pretzels. In fact, the behavior of some of the candidates had gotten so bizarre that I decided to call in one of the biggest Demonic Kool-Aid suppliers and find out exactly what she was selling the folks this year.

“What on earth did you sell poor John McCain?” I asked when the supplier, a young blond Demon named Gayle, arrived at my office. “The man’s a walking pharmaceutical experiment. He’s crazier than a rabid golden retriever in a room full of squirrels!”

Gayle shrugged. “He started off with ‘McCarthy’s Triple-Strength Self-Righteousness’ pills, completely standard stuff,” she assured me.

“Started off with? And then what?”

“Well, I may have sold him a double-strength brew of ‘Barry Goldwater Nuke ‘Em All’ powder,” she admitted. “He was paying cash”.

I nodded. “Good work. And the rest of them?”

Gayle leafed through her order book. “Rudy Guiliani ordered a dozen cases of ‘Hastert’s Has-Been Self-Referential Rub’, two boxes of Souter’s ‘Certainly I’m Conservative’ suppositories, and a six-pack of ‘Wacko Cola’.”

“What about Fred Thompson?”

Gayle looked annoyed. “He can’t seem to decide what to order.”

Gee, there’s a surprise. “Fred Thompson just needs some No-Doze,” I suggested. “The man sleeps most of the day, wakes up, yells ‘Mr. Kruschev, Tear down this wall!’ and goes back to sleep again”.

“Wasn’t it Gorbachev?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, well, Fred's an actor, not an historian.”

Gayle laughed. “Here’s Mitt Romney’s order. Are you ready? Two cases of ‘Sean Hammity Self-Righteous Hypocrite Blend’ bars, and 6 pounds of our ‘Oblivious Self-Contradiction’ salts as well. They’re very popular this year. Hillary bought a bunch too.”

“What else did you sell Hillary?”

Gayle flipped through a dozen pages. “Hillary’s been a big buyer. She’s bought a kilo of ‘Newt Gingrich Neo-Con Tendencies Masker’, 2 gross of ‘Bill Clinton Smugness’ pills, and a quart of JFK Extract.”

“Really? A quart? I thought the JKF Extract was pretty powerful stuff?”

“It usually is,” Gayle said, frowning. “There may be something wrong with this year’s batch. Obama bought 45 gallons of it, and it doesn’t seem to be working at all.”

Gayle got to her feet. “It’s good to see you, but I’ve got a big sales call lined up and I should really get going.”

“New client?”

“No.” Gayle smiled. “I have a sideline of Humorless-Hatred Hi-Colonics for Venomous Tarts, and Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin are in town. I could make enough on this order to spend January in Rio this year.”

I nodded and she left. I sat at my desk, watching the coals glow in the fireplace, and noticed that Gayle had left a bottle of ‘Barry Goldwater Nuke ‘Em All’ powder on my desk. I grinned and picked up the bottle. It would be a Very Bad Thing indeed if any of that got mixed into Dick’s coffee. I looked at my watch. I just had time to get to the Executive Dining Room before breakfast was over if I hurried...