Job Opportunities-

Friday, October 19, 2007

I was in my White House basement office eating a bag of hot sulphur chips and bullshitting with Hillary on the phone, when there was a soft knock on the door. I hastily hung up and a second later Dick Cheney entered without waiting to be asked. He poured himself a scotch from the bar, took a long sip, and then sat down in one of the leather office chairs.

Sure, I thought. Go ahead, act like you own the place. Then it occurred to me that this was the White House and he actually did own the place.

“I wanted to talk to you about careers,” Dick said slowly. “Don’t you think it’s time to move on to better things?”

I may not be a Vice President in Hell or anything, but I got my Demon First Class badge a few years ago, I’m upper management now, and I didn’t think it was any of Dick Cheney’s business telling me when a job I'm on was done. Besides, I serve a higher (well, ok, lower) Authority. I told Dick all that in a way that may have been a bit more dramatic than I really intended.

“You misunderstand me,” he said hastily, looking down at the scorch marks on his lapels with some annoyance. “I meant me. It’s time I moved up.”

“You want us to call in George Bush’s contract so you can take his job?” I asked. “That’s highly irregular. It still has more than a few years to go.”

“No, no, I don’t want to be President,” Dick said scornfully. “I think my record is deserving of bigger, better things. I was wondering, um, just what the qualifications for your line of work might be?”

I was surprised. I knew that quite a few people hoped Dick Cheney would go to Hell, but it never occurred to me that he might want to come on down himself. I mean, sure, he’s signed a contract with us and all, but to be quite frank, Dick has always struck me as the type who’ll try as hard as he can to wiggle out of it on a technicality at the last minute. I opened my drawer and took out his folder.

“Well, you’re certainly qualified,” I said. “You supported the Vietnam War while refusing to go yourself, in Congress you voted against sanctioning South Africa for apartheid, as Secretary of Defense you directed the invasion of Panama, you were CEO of Halliburton, you picked yourself as George W. Bush’s running mate, you’ve sold your country’s energy policy to your friends in the big oil companies, tried your best to create an “Imperial Presidency” which doesn’t have to answer to Congress or the courts, you used lies and falsehoods to start a disastrous war in Iraq which has ended up only benefiting your own corporate interests and friends, you’re a vulture, a liar, a hypocrite, a mass-murderer, and-” I flipped the page, “you shot a lawyer in the face. Well, we’ll give you a mulligan on that one.”

I put the folder back. “As you know, you’re coming down anyway, as stated in the contract you signed with us, but I’d be more than happy to put in a good word and see if we can get you a commission in Hell’s Cadre of Demons.”

Dick shook his head impatiently. “I think I’m more than “cadre” material,” he said roughly. “With a resume like that, I was thinking upper management.”

I had an unsettling thought.

“You’re saying you want my job?”

Dick looked at me, his lips curling into that slight smile that so reminds me of the look on Hannibal Lechter’s face when he’s getting the fava beans out of the cupboard for a dinner guest-

“Dear me, no,” he said softly. I don’t want your job. Taking orders is boring. I want to give the orders.”

The realization hit me hard enough to make little wisps of smoke come out of my nostrils. Of course Dick Cheney didn’t want to be a mere Demon. As usual, he was playing the all-or-nothing game. Dick wanted to usurp Satan himself!

I said nothing, but nodded slowly. Dick’s little smile turned into a grin and he put his scotch down, stood up and walked out the door without saying another word. He didn’t need to. If it had been anyone else I’d have laughed in his face, but Dick...?

I just hope it doesn’t come down to choosing sides, because in a contest between Dick Cheney and Satan to see who's more qualified to run Hell, I’m not really sure who’d win.