by Christopher Morris:
Where have I been? Where have I been?
I awoke in a dimly lit, smokey chamber with the smell of ether still clinging to the hairs of my nostrils. Fuck. Never sleep! Never SLEEP! I had slipped up again. When you sleep, he sends his hatchlings for you.
My head swam in the sickening afterglow of the crude anesthetic, no doubt administered by the "Good Doctor" himself. Jumble vision flipped itself rightways, then askew, then aright and blurred edges gave way to ultra sharp, psycho-delic vision. Of course. Two drugs. One to keep me sleeping, one to cloud the depth of my mind. I saw him. I saw The Piper standing behind him. He'd promised me revenge.
I'd accidentally ordered a few men to beat him to death. Such a thing is possible. The Piper, louse that he is, had removed the body and... well, no one was sure. There were rumors. Someone had started a new blog, but come on, now! He was dead. I saw him dead on his own floor.
Mistakes. I've made a few. Living in his house after killing him was one. I should have reasoned that on the off chance he did survive, the last place I'd want to be when he was ambulatory was in his lair. Fucking den of sin and surprise that it is. Now he had me and he had The Piper. One part of the story was solid. This was Murk. I could smell him. Even through the dual action of ether and LSD I could smell him. This was no phantom, no charade, no trick.
Why the hell are you wearing that turban?
"Simple," Dr. Murk replied. "A safe place is necessary. Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Food, Safety and Shelter are the base of the pyramid. So, I found someplace safe and I took you there. Well, actually, I can't walk very well... yet, so Piper brought you here."
Where is here? Araby?
His laghter was like the sound of large icicles falling in staccato.
"No, you ass," he laughed again. He nudged The Piper and The Piper laughed too, but not nearly as heartily. Something always creeped me out about The Piper. Something about that hollow baritone and those dead, souless fish eyes made me wary. "I'll give you a hint..."
"... after I torture you a bit."
Mistakes. Like forgetting to eliminate his seat of power, the Queen of the Widow Spiders: Mrs. Dr. Murk. She appeared from her usual nowhere, bearing an elegant woman's shoe in one hand and a scorpion in the other. The shoe was rather large for her but, oh... oh no... Scorpion goes in shoe, shoe goes on my foot, blah blah blah.
Next thing I know, I'm wearing a Spiderman mask and eight fists are pummeling me at once.
"This is the coolest thing I've ever seen," I heard The Piper mumble.
"Silence," Murk hissed, "Let my colleague concentrate on my dear brother's face. DR. OCTOPUS! CONTINUE TO OPERATE!"
I black out after five minutes.
Mistakes. I should have blacked out quicker.
"Brother?" I hear his voice. "Oh brooottthhhhhherrrrrrrr?"
Correction: I should have not blacked out at all. Maybe old Doc Oc would have pummelled me to death. Wait! That was it! We drugged him, beat him to death and then...
"Well, it's been fun," Murk said. I could only see him as a squiggle between the slits of my broken eye sockets. "Piper, chase him to the door."
"Wait! You said you'd tell me where we are!" I needed to warn everyone. I needed to round up a posse and take him down. "Hey," I said, "Isn't every Supervillain supposed to reveal his secret plan when you ask him? That's like Supervillain 101."
Murk stopped The Piper before he leapt from his 'Crouching Ninja' stance (complete aside here, but The Piper does it so that you see his gonads. I know he does this on purpose. He has to. What certified Ninja would Sharon Stone you by accident every time he attacked?).
"Villain?" Murk gasped. He could fake being hurt like that. Jerk-off. "Piper, Piper Piper?"
"Yes, m'Lawd?" Piper boomed.
"Have I killed anyone?" Murk asked plaintively.
"Naught in weeks, m"lawd." Piper ansered.
"Villian. I abhor this. Fine, I'll tell you if you take that villain crap back." Murk said.
"No," I said defiantly.
"He took it back, m'Lawd." Piper pronounced proudly.
"No I didn't!" I yelled.
"In denial again, m'Lawd." Piper grinned.
"In denial indeed," Murk matched him grin for grin. "The answer is: I'm wearing a turban because my Bowler can't be in two places at once. Now, get out." Piper sprang, and this time with no warning. I ran like hell through mazes the likes of which even King Minas would have nightmares about. The whole while Piper was trying to urinate on me while running after me, heedless of his own backsplash.
I finally found my way out and was on the brim of an enourmous Brown Bowler Hat. "Oh my God!" I screamed as I looked down. They'd burried him upright. Before I could wonder about all of this, one of the gigantic eyes opened and looked directly at me. I stopped still, afright.
The smell of ether and Piper's rotten, stale ale breath.
I awoke in the basement of the Palatial Murk Estates. Alone.
Beware!
Beware!
BEWARE!!!!!
I awoke in a dimly lit, smokey chamber with the smell of ether still clinging to the hairs of my nostrils. Fuck. Never sleep! Never SLEEP! I had slipped up again. When you sleep, he sends his hatchlings for you.
My head swam in the sickening afterglow of the crude anesthetic, no doubt administered by the "Good Doctor" himself. Jumble vision flipped itself rightways, then askew, then aright and blurred edges gave way to ultra sharp, psycho-delic vision. Of course. Two drugs. One to keep me sleeping, one to cloud the depth of my mind. I saw him. I saw The Piper standing behind him. He'd promised me revenge.
I'd accidentally ordered a few men to beat him to death. Such a thing is possible. The Piper, louse that he is, had removed the body and... well, no one was sure. There were rumors. Someone had started a new blog, but come on, now! He was dead. I saw him dead on his own floor.
Mistakes. I've made a few. Living in his house after killing him was one. I should have reasoned that on the off chance he did survive, the last place I'd want to be when he was ambulatory was in his lair. Fucking den of sin and surprise that it is. Now he had me and he had The Piper. One part of the story was solid. This was Murk. I could smell him. Even through the dual action of ether and LSD I could smell him. This was no phantom, no charade, no trick.
Why the hell are you wearing that turban?
"Simple," Dr. Murk replied. "A safe place is necessary. Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Food, Safety and Shelter are the base of the pyramid. So, I found someplace safe and I took you there. Well, actually, I can't walk very well... yet, so Piper brought you here."
Where is here? Araby?
His laghter was like the sound of large icicles falling in staccato.
"No, you ass," he laughed again. He nudged The Piper and The Piper laughed too, but not nearly as heartily. Something always creeped me out about The Piper. Something about that hollow baritone and those dead, souless fish eyes made me wary. "I'll give you a hint..."
"... after I torture you a bit."
Mistakes. Like forgetting to eliminate his seat of power, the Queen of the Widow Spiders: Mrs. Dr. Murk. She appeared from her usual nowhere, bearing an elegant woman's shoe in one hand and a scorpion in the other. The shoe was rather large for her but, oh... oh no... Scorpion goes in shoe, shoe goes on my foot, blah blah blah.
Next thing I know, I'm wearing a Spiderman mask and eight fists are pummeling me at once.
"This is the coolest thing I've ever seen," I heard The Piper mumble.
"Silence," Murk hissed, "Let my colleague concentrate on my dear brother's face. DR. OCTOPUS! CONTINUE TO OPERATE!"
I black out after five minutes.
Mistakes. I should have blacked out quicker.
"Brother?" I hear his voice. "Oh brooottthhhhhherrrrrrrr?"
Correction: I should have not blacked out at all. Maybe old Doc Oc would have pummelled me to death. Wait! That was it! We drugged him, beat him to death and then...
"Well, it's been fun," Murk said. I could only see him as a squiggle between the slits of my broken eye sockets. "Piper, chase him to the door."
"Wait! You said you'd tell me where we are!" I needed to warn everyone. I needed to round up a posse and take him down. "Hey," I said, "Isn't every Supervillain supposed to reveal his secret plan when you ask him? That's like Supervillain 101."
Murk stopped The Piper before he leapt from his 'Crouching Ninja' stance (complete aside here, but The Piper does it so that you see his gonads. I know he does this on purpose. He has to. What certified Ninja would Sharon Stone you by accident every time he attacked?).
"Villain?" Murk gasped. He could fake being hurt like that. Jerk-off. "Piper, Piper Piper?"
"Yes, m'Lawd?" Piper boomed.
"Have I killed anyone?" Murk asked plaintively.
"Naught in weeks, m"lawd." Piper ansered.
"Villian. I abhor this. Fine, I'll tell you if you take that villain crap back." Murk said.
"No," I said defiantly.
"He took it back, m'Lawd." Piper pronounced proudly.
"No I didn't!" I yelled.
"In denial again, m'Lawd." Piper grinned.
"In denial indeed," Murk matched him grin for grin. "The answer is: I'm wearing a turban because my Bowler can't be in two places at once. Now, get out." Piper sprang, and this time with no warning. I ran like hell through mazes the likes of which even King Minas would have nightmares about. The whole while Piper was trying to urinate on me while running after me, heedless of his own backsplash.
I finally found my way out and was on the brim of an enourmous Brown Bowler Hat. "Oh my God!" I screamed as I looked down. They'd burried him upright. Before I could wonder about all of this, one of the gigantic eyes opened and looked directly at me. I stopped still, afright.
The smell of ether and Piper's rotten, stale ale breath.
I awoke in the basement of the Palatial Murk Estates. Alone.
Beware!
Beware!
BEWARE!!!!!
5 comments:
You're hallucinating, chum. I don't work for Murk. The Angry Veteran does.
Now ask yourself why you think of my dangly unmentionables so often?
I am scared
You just can't beat his 401(k) matching.
Oh come on! First Piper now you??? Who's going to hose my rose petal reputation with slanderous fiction next?
Hojo?
I was in Reno.
But, yes, Piper is in my entourage now. He just lies to hide out among you.
Funny,
You both deny it. Piper. Murk.
You will deny me three times before the rooster crows.
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