The scene: A beautiful and sunny autumn day. In a field in the shade of a small hill, blankets have been haphazardly arranged, upon which sit several small groups of people. Conversation is animated and lively; there is much food and drink and general merrymaking apparent. A picnic is underway.
Blanket #1
Malach: (spewing potato salad) So, I’ve got this great idea for a new webcomic. The Erotic Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Pretty cool, huh?
Hojo: Dude, chew your food. And no; you’d get sued.
Malach: That rhymes!
Otis Serungis: What kind of sick bastard would find Winnie the Pooh erotic?
Hojo: Are you kidding? He only wears a shirt. No pants. He’s begging for it.
Malach: That’s what I’m talking about!
Hojo: And he’s always getting stuck halfway through a window, hanging his ass out for anyone to walk by and take a big whiff. That’s called “presenting” in the animal kingdom.
~Fury~: You guys are sick, you know that?
Blanket #2
Shimmer-Love: Pass the mustard. So, I was thinking about collecting all my hump-day jokes into a joke book.
Angry Veteran: I’ll never read it.
Shimmer-Love: Whatever. Pass the mustard.
Angry Veteran: Don’t rush me, blondie. I can end you.
Dr. Jen: I’m a doctor. Just felt the need to remind everyone.
Atop the Hill
Two men sit in the lotus position, wearing only loincloths. They seem to radiate an inner peace, benevolently gazing upon the picnic below.
AutoC: Dude, can you believe this bullshit?
YPG: I know. We’re from the second most populous country in the world, and the assclown writing this post is resorting to stereotype. Why not just stick a flute in my hand and put me in front of a basket with a snake in it?
AutoC: At least he didn’t put us behind a convenience store counter. Malach would have done that.
YPG: What’s with this rice and water crap? Look at all the food down there! Does this ignorant douchebag really think we’re swamis or something?
AutoC: I don’t know. But I want some of that pie. I can smell it all the way up here.
Blanket #3
Helpful Critic: Dr. Murk, we pronounce your wife’s apple pie to be without flaw.
Dr. Murk: Damn straight, you pretentious, pluralizing prick.
Just Me: Hey, Doc, where is your wife? I wanted to meet her.
Dr. Murk: Oh, she’s nearby. Somewhere close. She could kill you in seconds, you know.
Just Me: …right. Well, I was just wondering if anyone wanted some of this granola I made from all natural ingredients. Or perhaps some of this wine I stomped with my own bare feet?
Malach: (from Blanket #1) Foot wine! Gimme some!
Dr. Jen: I’ll have some too. I love wine. Almost as much as I love being a doctor.
Choas Dragoon: I’m underage! Give me some wine!
Palmer: Me too! I have to have some! You see… I … love feet.
Dr. Murk: As you know, I’m off the booze, which is why I’m sitting so far from the Angry Piper. Well, that, and because he smells like bagpipe seasoning and beeswax. But I assure you, even if I was going through the DT’s, I wouldn’t drink your foot wine, you dirty hippie.
Just Me: Your loss. Where is the Piper, anyway?
Palmer: He’s over there, getting drunk with Dr. Mantodea and hitting on Toyi. She has nice feet.
Blanket #4
Toyita: Oh, Senhor Piper…your legs in this keelt are so beeg and strong…
Angry Piper: I know. I’m so glad we brought Dr. Mantodea with us. He’s keeping the ants away.
Toyita: Si. Senhor bug-face is good at that. I am glad he is also keeping away the escorpions.
Angry Piper: Do not worry, my spicy Latina goddess. There are no scorpions here.
Dr. Mantodea: Here's a novel idea: why don’t you both kiss my green, chitinous ass?
Suddenly, the center of the gathering erupts with a loud bang, followed by a sulfurous blast of dark smoke. It is very reminiscent of the arrival of the Wicked Witch of the West, in The Wizard of Oz. The smoke clears to reveal…Crumb!
AutoC: By Shiva, Ganesh and Vishnu!
YPG: Yoga Fire!
Angry Veteran: That’s some entrance!
Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!
Crumb: I have arrived! Gaze upon my magnificence! Look upon me! Behold!!!
~Fury~: OK, so we’re beholding, already.
Crumb: Witness: the coming of Crumb!
Otis Serungis: Uh...we’d rather not.
Dr. Mantodea: Yeah, dude. I can do without that image.
Crumb: Silence! I bring you tidings of great import! Harken unto me! One of you is…an impostor!!!!
Malach: GASP! Who?
Crumb: HIM!!! (points to The Angry Piper)
Toyita: Oh, Senhor Piper, ees it true?
Crumb: Oh, I assure you it is more than true, mi serrano caliente. He is a fake! A phony! A sham! A charade! A liar! A charlatan! In short, The Angry Piper is…a FRAUD!!!!
Suddenly, a disheveled man rushes into the clearing, waving his arms frantically. He is soaked with sweat and raving. It is clear he has soiled himself, both front and back.
Hobbs von Wackamole: AAAAH! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! AAAAH! THE MAYANS WILL KILL US ALL!!!
Angry Piper: (to Toyita) Excuse me for a moment, my Spanish flower.
Toyita: Hurry back, mi amor.
The Angry Piper rises to his feet, taking a sharp spear in his hands. He hefts it, tests its weight, sights down the length, and then hurls it with all his might. The point takes Hobbs in the back, driving through flesh and bone with a sickening squelch. Hobbs spins like a parody of a broken windmill, finally toppling over to land shaft first on the ground. Slowly, his body slides down the spear, coming to rest in a gory heap. It twitches a few times, then is still.
Cap’n Flak Paperpants: HELL YEAH!!!
Choas Dragoon: Nice throw. I give it a 9.8.
Otis Serungis: 9.7.
Helpful Critic: 6.0.
(silence)
Helpful Critic: What? I’m just trying to be helpful. It could have been better.
Angry Piper: Christ, I've been longing to do that. I’m sorry, Crumb. Please continue.
And continue he will.
Tomorrow.
The WoW Family Picnic: Part the First
Something Interesting
I don't know how many of you watch Good Morning America on ABC. I do every morning but Sunday (then it's Sunday Morning ...love that show). Diane Sawyer has been reporting from North Korea for the last few days. This has been very interesting for me and I highly recommend you checking it out. It's amazing to see how different things are over there.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/
Check it out!
Parrot Hump Day Jokes
It's not Quantity, its Quality!
...So, Murk, you can blow me! You make fun of people for whining, yet you just posted the chief ultimate pinnacle of whining. You little b*tch! We can't help but love you, and show it by spitting on you!
On to the post! It's true, I am unable to be a post-happy maniac. I save my substance for my blog, but try to post some of it here. Sometimes I just find things that are damn hilarious, or creepy, to share with you all. Sometimes not.
Well, since you all like to brag about being a D-List internet celebrity, I'll do so too. Today I found out that the Greater Good is listed at the Blog of the Day Forum. Go see for yourself! And if you haven't read the post on the Greater Good, do so. Its a great rant on the Scum that people are.
And being that yesterday, America reached 300 million in population, and the world is way beyond 6 billion, let's talk about the bits of the population that need to be thinned out. Scum. There is lots of scum in this world. The population is out of control. It keeps getting worse. I honestly think there needs to be laws around population. Hell, look at the ratio's. The poor breed more, the educated, generally less. The podunk's in the midwest have kids like popcorn pops in a movie theatre, raises them poorly, they go through a horrible education system, but people, realize that there are WAY more of them than there are of us. They are the future.
But regardless, its not Quantity, its Quality. I don't care if its the dumb or the smart, people need to breed less. We all know that we are exhausting this planet. There is no need for this many people. Opportunity hasn't increased nearly as fast as population. We've flooded the market. I propose a 2 child limit. We need to at least stabilize the growth, put a cap on it, stop the increase. We can't fit what we have, much less more. 2 kids per couple. That means each parent has a replacement, and no more. You have a kid with one lady, then have one with another, you are done. Tubes tied. No more for you. This would also remove the problem of 'middle child syndrome,' which, believe me, can be a scary thing.
This population issue is direly effecting our culture. Its the concept of variables, and we have a hell of a lot more variables than we used to. Fist fights escalate to knife fights escalate to gun fights. Our education system can't keep up, and is subsequently in the toilet. You rarely see someone with a Master's Degree in a bar brawl, but you see 31 college football players get arrested in a huge on-field fight. This culture of violence and sexual repression is a state of entropy that is eating itself away. It used to be slowly, but like the Novelty ratio's that are bringing us to an escalation of monumental proportions, the instances of violence and discontent happen daily. Gone are the days of a beep and a middle finger when cutting someone off on the highway. Here are the days of the drive-by shooting, sometimes even with crossbows!
Until we come to grips with this repression, it will be difficult to change. At the moment, I'm thinking of violence and sex. Look around you. Violence is just fine, its entertainment, its history, its acceptable. Sex shouldn't be spoken of, can't be on TV, can't be in education. Look where this has led us: Population explosion, teen pregnancy, devastating virus'. Couple that with this culture of violence, and, well, we see what is happening, but how far will it go. This country reminds me of a junkie clawing at his arms because he feels bugs under his skin.
Folks, what we need is an increase in quality, and a drop in quantity. The quality of our people is based in the quality of our education. The land of opportunity has become a clogged toilet, where opportunity is a winning lottery ticket, not a reward for hard work.
Hey kids!
You f*cking bore me.
First, everyone is complaining that their posts are buried.
Now, a few slow days and no one takes up the slack???
What they hell is wrong with you idiots?
Let me tell you what I think. I think most of your are sideline super wuss out amateurs who'd rather complain than pick up an axe and start chopping. There's only one cure for the static crybaby freaks I collectively refer to as 'you', and that's a good old fashioned carpet call out. By name.
Hobbs Von Wackamole. You suck. You ruin the blog with posts when we need none, and you abandon us when we actually need posts. You are a true nitwit. You'll be dead soon. I promise old man...
Angry Veteran. Um, hello? You ask us to create thoughtful posts and you put up a link to... online bubblewrap popping site??? Look, I might masterbate to that. There. I ruined it for everybody.
Angry Piper. Boo hoo. Poor you! Wake the f*ck up. You're worse than Hobbs and twice as dead, if your site is where I'm looking for a sign of life. Not even a blog post since I got sober? Dude, that was 19 days ago. Trust me, I've been counting.
Captain Space Flak PaperFarmer. ACTION! I said ACTION!!!! Jeez. It is so hard to find talent and people skills in the same talent set. You have both and still fail me! Put down the monster suction cup gun game and tippy type us a little action.
Shimmer Love. Jokes on Wednesday. Jokes on Wednesday. What are you, rainman? Hey, I hear Wopner's on in five minutes. How about mixing it up and giving us something more? No, don't stop the funny, make us O.D. on funny.
Hojo. Do you even post here anymore? I vote you least frequent poster since Nibbles (who is probably too high on cough syrup to type). Loser. LOSER!!!!
AngryMan. Thanks for wasting my five minute to send you the invite.
Malach... Naw, too easy. Plus everyone else insults you well enough.
Who did I miss?
Speak up and I'll get to you. I'll get you!!!! I'll get you all!!!!!!
LONG LIVE THE WOW!!!!
*shoots his own foot*
BEHOLD THE POWER OF MALACH
See Malach is a D Level Internet celebrity.
As many of you know, Cartoon Orbit was supposed to close yesterday. Well it is still functioning. Not only was it functioning, it was busy. Additionally it seems someone "hacked" the site, tossed a bunch of new ctoons into auction, including a 15 release one, and changed the chat menu. Orbit has this vanilla chat menu with phrases like "Wanna play Gtoons?" and "I'm gonna win this aution". Well whomever hacked the site added the phrase . . . "I am gonna kill you effers". Needless to day that was tons of fun. Malach made some new phrase suggestion in a Orbit forum which the "hacker" or someone associated with him saw. They also added it to the chat menu, check it out.
"I like to wear women's clothing". Nice. I just put in a suggest to add "Go to stoolsamplewebcomics.com" We will see. If you need more info on orbit, check Wikipedia.
I am Malach Destroyer of Children's Games!
When we go from good to bad or backwards?
Here why morals have its own back up fire sometimes, soooo what US is going to do about freedom of speach?
I can't stop myself
I cannot explain why.
Why does this feel so good? Where does this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction come from?
Once I start, I don't want to stop.
How about you?
Malach tells jokes too.
"Laugh at the Funny Joke!"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.. but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
Sometimes Truth, is Stranger Than Fiction.
As many of you know, I am putting together Piper's wow posts based on the members of the WoW into an anthology, look for that possibly tonight. Stay tuned to my feed for the update.
Malach, the sensitive man . .
Question. Why is it, that everytime I hear this song, I get tear in my eye?
I am Malach, smaking the bitched up.
An exclusive Fat Bug preview . ..
Only here at the WoW.
And who is this? Well, guesses are welcome, but I won't tell. Also, I have one more exclusive image. This one might knock your socks off, it might give up too much of the plot . . . I don't care, I do this for the WoWees.
Now, don't you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I know I do.
I am Malach and all I ever do is give, give, give.
C.J.Owen's Fiction Foray
Hi my fellow WoWians. I've decided to attempt my hand at some fiction writing, and figure you folks could lend me your eyes if you would be so kind.
I have the first of hopefully many stories up on my page, so feel free to visit and if you have anything helpful to say, either comment on the blog or just fire off an email to me.
Or just ignore this and move along.
Here, it's finally here!
CRISIS IS HERE, The webcomic world, will never be the same!
EDIT!
I forgot my Deja WoW! A fave:
I so badly wanted to be on this show as a pre teen. Why? I DON'T KNOW!
For all you YCDTOTV fans, check out the huge fansite. Several downloadable episodes! And it seems Christine McGlade (Moose) also has here own site. Lady, crappy site, contact me, I'll make you a much better one, and for free.
I am Malach, and this is my empire
we are helpful critic
we are helpful criticwe are helpful critic
we have come to control you
we are here to own you
we are helpful critic
we are helpful critic
A Chink in Amazon's Armor: Fisher-Price Toys
Until this morning.
I have become so impressed with Amazon that I have almost stopped doing comparison shopping at other sites. However, I am a new uncle and birthdays and holidays are coming up, so I was purchasing toys I am not familiar with.
To wit: the See and Say "The Farmer Says" and the "Chatter Telephone." People my age will remember both of these toddler toys fondly. They are both available for sale at Amazon: $25 for "The Farmer Says" and $15 for the "Chatter Telephone." At the Fisher-Price site, in contrast, the Farmer Says is $10 and the Telephone is $5. Amazon prices are afull 150% higher than the Fisher-Price site. Needless to say, yours truly now has an account at Fisher-Price.
So, my news to you, sweet World of Wonder, is that if you are going to be buying Fisher-Price toys over this coming holiday season, make sure you check out the Fisher-Price site first.
Oh, and if you want to buy the T.M.X. Elmo this season, you better be packing heat.
Toyi's War Experience Chapter VI
Okay Today I will just speak a bit of what is shown in that video, well you can see how the ES landscape looks like at some point, there are some cuts about the "Venceremos" radio station, you can also see how Guerrillas looked like and how their training was set, most of the people joing Guerrillas and Military armed forces were poor, brave and given to death for their cause. There are some pictures about the remains of "canton El Mozote" where a big Massacre took place (Actualliy what the song speaks about), but in peoples faces you could see sadness, even if their mouth its smiling sometimes.
I like that little picture where the helicopters are going and the one where the helicopter was taken down, helicopters were fully equiped with technology to bomb places and their drivers were experts handling the infrareds at night.
One thing that we loved when we were kids was the lights of the helicopters, and actually they were not just lights, they were bombs being dropped sometimes or they were gun machining sometimes, while we were far from really understanding the deepness of the situation or that maybe someone was dying at that same instant.
Well see you next time, I won't take the attention away from the video.
Malach says: READING IS AWESOME
Reading is Fundamental (RIF).
Malach congregates a few forums, though he does not congregate the Do You Want My Bum forums like some of us do (yeah WoW gets a ton of links from there). Many of the forums Malach joins are congregated by the youth of the world, those in the 13 - 18 range. Malach also helps run a large forum where the average age is about 16. No I am not a child molester. Somethings that is regularly discussed in literature . . . I want to post some comments for a thread.
Reading is a waste of time.... Ive read 5 100+page books my whole life
I even think it's pretty much a waste of time. So boring and wastes so much time.For class assignments on books I just put down random stuff that comes to my mind. I pass English all the time without even reading.
lol same here, or i just read the back lol
I don't care about grammer?
This is just the tip of the iceburg but you get the point. This is entirely too common on some internet spaces I congregate. So my question becomes why? Now granted, some people don't like reading, that is fine. But there seems to be this group who thinks reading, grammar, fiction, etc, is useless. There are some who won't read anything unless it is electronically based. This attitude seems to get more and more prevalent. I assumed the stuff like Lemony Snikett and Harry Potter would revive reading in this country. I guess I was wrong. This is sad. Do you know what you miss when you don't read . . . or just watch the movie adaptation? The stories, the information . . .
As my man Flavor Flav said: READ A BOOK OR SUMPTIN'!
Deja WoW!
These next couple are for Murk.
I am Malach, and ate tacos for lunch.
To Self-conscious Pets:
We know that you had no idea what you were in for. No one could see what was in store for you when that charming family appeared outside the pet store one day. Who knew that these people would tear you away from your mother and siblings, take you home to some strange-smelling house that was full of the scent of other dirty animals, take you to the doctor to get you full of needles, and oh the horror...neuter you?
Yes, my pup, neutrality is embarrassing. No motivation to do much of anything. Run, play, procreate. Not to mention you are the laughing stock of all of those other dogs at the park. Sometimes you even feel like less than a man. Life is indeed rough for a neutered dog. There's no need to whimper, because some perverted scientist has found a way to help.
Introducing Neuticles, the most useless implant in existence. I bring you a direct quote from the website:
"Neuticals allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering."
Firstly, great grammar. I'm certain Neuticals allowing all of those things.
Secondly, "natural look?" Neutering a dog does not turn it into a cat. It still looks like a dog. Besides, who besides Choas looks at a dog's genital area first to determine whether or not the dog as a whole looks "natural?"
Thirdly, I don't think a dog has self-esteem. I think self-esteem was ruled out of a dog's emotional capabilities the first time it humped a human leg and licked its own rectum. Self-esteem is probably the least of worries when considering a dog's health.
However, let us first assume that a dog is capable of the idea of self-esteem. Let's say I was in a dog's position. After being neutered, which is humiliating enough, some dumbass decided to put a sack of fake testicles where my "cash and prizes" used to be. That wouldn't increase my self-esteem at all! In fact, I would consider it an act of complete mockery. If you want me to have self-esteem, leave my freakin' balls on. End of story.
Fourthly, and I know this is wrong, but who doesn't read that quote without at first wondering why these scientists would want some pet to retain its AIDS? As my final point, this guy won the Nobel Prize. He isn't deserving of the Nobel Prize. Anyone without a degree who decided to place synthetic balls on a neutered bull would be considered "sick" and "creepy." I bet Gregg Miller had a fetish website dedicated to this type of "research" long before he decided to make a science project out of it. You make me sick, Miller. Please, go cure cancer or something for God's sake.
The American Electorate Are The Real Traitors.
Murk's post about the nonesense that is U.S. politics shows how it's easy to pontificate about how we need better politicians who are not a member of either of the two big parties, but for those of you who persist in this dream, I'll just say that you're all as screwed as a nun in a prison movie. You're screwed because the only way for elected officials to stop pandering to the special interests and playing the public for a bunch of rubes is for the public to actually take their responsibility as citizens in a representative democratic republic seriously. In other words you will never see your government clean its act up as long as your neighbors are such traitors.
Why are they traitors? because they willfully shirk their duty as voters and put people into office time an time again who are not qualified for postions tha are vital to our national security and national prosperity.
Why do the politicians follow the money? Because in order to hammer their message into the thick skulls of the barely aware electorate they need to spend millions on media advertising blitzes, and advertising has to use simple, neatly packaged rhetoric to penetrate. (That message being "Elect me, I'm swell! Or more often "Elect me, 'cuz the other guy is a cock!") So no issue will ever get the intelligent approach it deserves as long as the only way to talk about it publicly follows the same rules for advertising that are used to sell sneakers.
Why do politicians fixate on meaningless wedge issues while ignoring the things that actually matter to the daily lives of people? (You know.... like Gay Marriage?) Because the electorate are childish in their thinking, they don't bother to approach civics like an adult. The only issues that get any traction with the majority of voters are these hot-button, emotional, but ultimately meaningless, propaganda topics. The fact that you can get votes just by saying you will lower taxes without actually have to outline in minute detail how you will work that into the governing budget, is a prime example of how stupid and uninterested the voting public is.
It's easy to blame the politicians for being the wretched scum sucking child molesting bunch that they are, but the electorate are the ones who keep leaving the chicken coop doors open for the foxes (weasels is more appropriate), the electorate are the ones who keep listening to the loudest most obnoxious voices, while never expending any effort to actually find qualified candidates. Candidates who might not be the most dynamic personalities but might actually be qualified to make decision on our behalf that are intelligent. It's the electorate that keeps falling for the same shit every two years, and they don't care! They are like a mother who keeps dating convicted sex offenders and doesn't bother to think of the risk to her kids.
"I've been dating Rocco for a month. Sure he just got out of prison for fondling a 13 year old, but he did his time and said he was reformed, and so I see no reason not to trust him with my 12 year old daughter while I go out with my girlfriends."
Americans have the government they deserve because they are chumps who deserve to be used and taken advantage of by con man politicians. For all I care, until they start actually paying attention and taking their responsibility as citizens seriously, they can keep dying in pointless wars, keep watching their kids grow up stupid, keep breathing bad air, eating shitty food, and barely scratch out a living in what is laughably called the American Middle Class. They deserve to languish in suburban misery because every single one of them who voted for some slimeball based only on the information they got from campaign commercials and what the TV news told them is a traitor to the United States.
And hangin's too good for traitors.
Enough of This Nonsense!
Murk has returned to elingten the shamelessly stupid masses... huddled and... breathing... freely... to burn. Yeah. I'm sticking with that.
Today's topic: Politics.
It's a loaded word!!!! HA! Wait... that wasn't the joke. Start again.
Politics. It's a word that conjures up the image of sharply dressed men playing mind games with inferior people who vote for them. But let's look under the dirty, pock marked, herpes riddled skin of this monster word, shall we?
With its Greek etymology and long standing association with government, politics quite literally used to mean the running of a city state. Now, it means panty waving and crotch sniffing to get votes. It also means pandering to special interests and pet project peoples of various ethnicities.
Basically, it's saying what needs to be said to keep your power base.
Power.
What is true power?
I have no clue.
What I do know is that the power to vote is America's promise of a reach around in trade for a little ride up old mustard alley. They say, "If you don't like it, get out and VOTE!!!!" Vote for what? Republican Goons or Liberal Pansies? There's no one that truly represents me.
Look. We're in a cafeteria with tofu or caviar. Niether taste good, even though people pretend they do and will fight to the death to prove it. Shouldn't we demand actual representation by people who stand for something we really believe, not half of what we believe, or sort of what we believe?
You want to vote. You want representation. You want Murk and Malach for President in '08.
If you're not convinced, just think of what happened with the last 7 presidents. Oh yeah. You know it.
At least we WILL give you the reach around!
*paid for by the Galactic Council to Elect Murk and Malach, and the letter K.
Learn English Self Defense...
..ok, this is not youtube spam! This is a must see, simply for its bizarreness! This is a Japanese video teaching people how to learn English, but it seems to be what to say if you are mugged! Note the cheerleaders! Fantastic!