The line has been drawn and now the challenge is issued!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Well, as many of you have unfortunately witnessed lately, Dr. Murk and I have had a serious public falling out.

For more reasons than I care to list, our friendship has withered away to dust and now it is time we settle this thing.


No, we're not going to do this "Fight Club style" (lucky for him) we're going to do this the "old fashioned meets the modern internet" way.

Just like the good doctor ordered...

A PODCAST DUEL!

So, Dr. Von Fuckstick, (aka: Murk, aka: Muchs, aka: Fatty, aka: Meatfeet, aka: Spacefarmer's BITCH, aka: Drunky) I accept your challenge!

We will set a date in the near-future to be decided on and formally approved by our wives (don't even pretend like you don't need her express permission because we all know that you do) with the location being at your home office recording studio.

I'll bring the wine the wit. You bring the eats and intelligence.

We'll see who comes out alive and...

...who never comes out at all.

Immigration in this country is broken

But first a quick plug
Silent Auction, for PATRIOTS TICKETS. Check it out. All for a good cause!

Immigration.
The Immigration policies of the this Country are broken, everyone realizes it, but no one is sure how to fix it. Dubya had his own plan but left the details up to the House (HR 4437) who came up with a punishment and enforce policy only (which was passed), the Democratic proposals just wanted to make everyone legal. A mix of the two (S 2611) was passed in the house. Everyone is up arms. No plan is adaquate to the conservatives, who basically want to close the borders, or liberals who want to let the world in. I don't propose to have the answers to this, but I have some knowledge to share on the subjetc.

The US is founded on the principals at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The US is the greatest country in the world, founded by displaced persons. Most of US can trace back our first ancestor who immigrated to the US and why.

I work for an organization who has extensive dealings with both legal and illegal immigrants. I also live in a part of the country that has a huge population of both legal and illegal immirants. I am very familiar with the issues. Why do most immigrants come here? It is not to commit crimes or blow up buildings. It is to make money. Think about this. Think about the job you work now. Becuase of the issues with your country, you could make no more than 20 cents an hour? What about your family? What about a place to live? Would you risk coming to a foreign country to make $6.00 an hour to clean toilets? I would. I have a fellow co-worker. He is from Columbia. In Columbia he is a degreed Dentist. He was one of the highest paid workers in his circle. Do you know what he made a year? $9,000. And prices in Columbia are not much cheaper than they are here. He came to this country, working as a social worker for $12.00 per hour. It is like a fortune to him. It took him 7 years to get approved to come here legally.

That is part of the problem. Because he is Latin American, there are a number of limits and extra obstacles to him entering the country. If he was European, he could of come with just a passport, and probably already be a citizen. There is also a quota on particular ethnicities entering this country (mainly the poor ones). The US hasn't even come close to meeting that quota in 15 years.

Terrorism. I can assure you of this, terrorist don't enter this country from Mexico. Crossing the Mexican border has become as dangerous as being a soldeir in Iraq (perhaps more), and no one who isn't desperate to come here would try it. You see, the Southern Border has a fence, and is rather secure in most places. The place it is not secure? The extensive expanse of arid, rattlesnake infested desert. A 5 day or so walk to get to civilization. 120 degree heat, no water, little food. Estimate of deaths are impossible to count, but ask anyone who has made the journey, how many bodies in the desert they have seen. How many news article do you read about the border patrol become rescue and body recovery organizations?

It is estimate 11 to 12 million illegal immigrants are in this country, 7 million of them working. Do you know what happens to the taxes these immigrants pay (which most of them do) if they leave. They go into a general fund (and probably get spent on Iraq). What would happen if you suddenly deported them all? How much would our economy be effected if illegals are no longer paying taxes and buying stuff?

This is just the beginning, and the debate should rage for the remainder of the next Congressional Session.

Before I sign off some questions. What are people really afraid of with immigration? Are you willing to work these jobs if the illegals are deported? What responsibility does big business who hire illegals have? What responsibility do the US business who move to the cheaper employemnt market of Mexico have? Does the US have the responsibility to deal with these businesses?

I am Malach, and my first immigrant ancestors came from Canada in the 1600's.

Couple of Hump Day Jokes!!!

Golfer Joke
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
~*~*~*~*~*~

Hockey vs. Sex
It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Man & Woman
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all throught the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side ...You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

And so, my children...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


....another day has come to an end in the Land of the Wand of Wonder. We hope you enjoyed your time here today, and feel all the better for visiting. I'm sure you enjoyed our lovely discussions on adult and childrens television, our informed opinions on CNN and the government, our caption contest, and our thought provoking article on obesity in America. I know you all had a wonderful time watching the beautiful relationship developing between Dr. Murk and Captain Flak Paperpants. I know I did! Be sure to tune in tomorrow for yet another fun filled day, here at WOW. I'm Grandma Peterson, beloved matriarch here at WOW, and I just want to remind you that I Love You.

I'd like to leave you with a piece of heartwarming entertainment that I like to call: "Miss Monster goes to Catholic School." Some of you may have enjoyed this little program before, but for those who haven't, I'm sure you'll learn a valuable moral lesson, and be all the better for it. Remember, Grandma Loves You!



CNN.com could be a lot more fun if I was in control.

How Hot Is It?

Hot enough to play WHO'S GOT THE CAPTION!!!!

Okay, please leave your notion of what the caption to this photo should be:






Example: "Let's eat first, and then take the towels off."

or

No Drinking Before 10 A.M.

GOOD GOD, A KLINGON!

The State of the Nation today is…


….Fat. Real Fat. Friggin Obese. Yeah, I’m not talking about a good 12 pack like Murk’s or the Cap’n. I’m not even talking about a case like some others. No, I’m talking about the freaking KEG. People in America are huge. Really, really fat.

We, the nation of consumers, need to start paying attention to what we consume. Yeah, there are some people out there with glandular problems and what not. Those fatties are ok, its not really their fault. But that is a low percentage of the true fatties that take up valuable space in this country. We’ve all seen or know about SuperSize Me, the movie about the guy who eats McDonalds crappy poo 3 meals a day for a month. Brother almost died, and gained massive amounts of weight. There are people in this country who eat like that all the time. Hell, half the food sold in this country doesn’t remotely occur naturally, or barely have any ingredients that aren’t created in a lab. Soda? Freaking Soda? Highly sweetened poison, and fatty fat fat! High Fructose Corn Syrup, a modified beyond belief ingredient that caused more health issues and more fatty fatty fat fat than probably any other. This stuff should have been banned by the FDA, hell, even the EPA, years ago. But, of course, big bizniss loves it, pays less for it, and since this is a country truly run by corporations, they feed it to us all they want. Ever had Chocolate? No, I mean Real Chocolate. I’m not talking about a snickers bar, not even a solid ‘chocolate’ Hershey bar. That is not chocolate, that is a HFCS laden candle with a sprinkle of chocolate flavor. No, I’m not making that up. Stuff is made of WAX. People need to spend a little more time thinking about what they put in their bodies. Hell, you can fertilize a field with the feces of pretty much any animal, and it will grow all happy. Put some Human poo down there, and nothing will grow, and the land will become toxic. Why is that? All the chemical crap we’ve forced down our throats for years.

What got me thinking about this? Joint Replacement. That’s right, this article here on medical joint replacements, hips, knees, you name it. Back in the day, people needed joint replacements due to sports injuries, or brittle bones from old age. That was the overall majority of these surgeries. Not today. Today, at least half, if not two-thirds of all joint replacement surgeries are due to OBESITY. People are so fat, their own bones can’t support them anymore. And, their ‘condition’ leads to more difficult surgeries. I quote: “They appear to suffer more complications during and after surgery, require more costly rehabilitation, and, because of the strength it takes to manipulate their bones, can even create physical risks for surgeons. Heavy patients face increased risks of blood clots, wound infections, and pneumonia, according to studies, causing some surgeons to turn away patients unless they lose weight.”

30% of American’s are considered Obese. 10 years ago, it was 23%.

This is a problem.

The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

Why this is the Greatest kids show on TV.
Malach loves The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. You all should watch it. If you have never seen it, it is fairly easy to catch. It is a Cartoon Network Staple, and gets broadcast 10 times a day.

A basic plot. Billy and Mandy are two children from Endsville, a typical US suburb. One day, they were playing with Billy's hamster, who dies, the Grim Reaper (Grim) appears to take the animal away. Mandy refuses to let the Grim Reaper take the hamster and challenges him to a contest. If Grim wins he keeps the hamster, if Billy and Mandy win, Grim must become their "best friend forever and ever". Grim challenges them to limbo, which he has never lost. Of course he loses. He then begins his servitude with Billy and Mandy.

And servitude it is, they make Grim do their chores and boss him around. Grim slowly begins to act like a typical human, spending much of his time watching TV, eating junk food, and playing video games. He develops this love-hate relationship with the children, and hopes to break free from his enslavement. Hilarity ensues.

Usually, the plot centers around some mundane thing, which turns supernatural in nature. Dimesion Traveling is common. The show deals with many a supernatural an obscure reference from everything to Cthulhu, Dune, Harry Potter, 1920's film, Ancient Egypt, Pagan Gods, Edgar Allen Poe, Asgard, and such. There is plenty of gross humor (ie Billy washes his hair with feces thinking it is shampoo), and absurd violence (ie Billy is riding a bike, flips over the handle bars, and shreds his face down to his skull). It is FUNNY for adults as well as kids, but more for adults.

Characters
Billy: Billy is the typical happy-go-lucky idiot. According to the show, he has a functioning IQ of -5. He has a number of unpleasant habits, including nose-picking, flatulence, male chauvinism and unapologetic idiocy. Prone to surprising (if nonsensical) fits of rage, he is extremely hyperactive, with a knack for causing all kinds of disasters and ending in various parallel dimensions, usually by experimenting with Grim's supernatural items.

Mandy: Billy's closest "friend", although completely contrasting character: with an acerbic attitude, evil personality ("I believe in abusing and exploiting the stupid"), and often surprising intellect and knowledge of the supernatural. She is rude to practically everybody, even her parents. She is completely sadistic and dark; ruling over everyone, constantly bossing people around. She is a fearless fighter who will stand up to schoolyard bullies and monsters from the underworld without flinching.

Grim: is the the personification of Death, portrayed as a scythe-wielding skeleton in a black hooded robe. He is thousands of years old, as he was a child at the time of the Neanderthals. His accent and language use suggests that he is Jamaican. He enjoys all kinds of chaos, despair, and torture , and many other dark things.

There are other minor characters, most notable Irwin, and nerdy African American (similar to Urkel), who is in love with Mandy. He ends most every sentence with the phrase "YO!".

To set up our clip.
Mandy has entered a Beauty Contest to get her enemy Mindy (typical Cheerleader) by winning it. Grim brings in a Underworld Beauty Consultant, who dolls up Mandy. They realize if she smiles (which she has never done), she will win. They go through a some typical rounds of a beauty contest (swim suits, western wear) and not so typical (Gom Jabbar - "IT BURNS!"). It comes down to the last talent display, and Mandy is tied with Mindy. Mindy does the human canonball from one cannon to the other, and the judges are impressed. It comes all down to Mandy . . .



This is perhaps best describes Billy and Mandy in a 3 minute video. If you have a half hour, you can watch a great episode, Keeper of the Reaper over at YouTube.

I am Malach, So Beautiful!

Junk Brothers on HGTV (the review)

What do you get when you take two Gay Canadian Guys who love junk, send them on a semi-legal scavenger hunt, and make them fix the stuff they steal and bring it back? You get HGTV's new TV show, Junk Brothers. The show debuted last Wednesday. Screw me for being a bit late.

As I've said, they roam around on trash day and pick up junk like old stoves and dressers. They take the stuff back to their Secret Gay Mounted Police Shop in Canada (eh?), they 'fix it up' and then they bring it back to the people who previously discarded it. They even ring the doorbell and hide so they can watch the reaction. This sounds awesome, right???

Okay, let me just say that as a basic premise for a show, this is probably one of the greatest ideas to come along in a while. It's kind of like a benevolent prank show. Plus, who wouldn't want to see their old sh*t picked up by two Really Burly Gay Canadian Grease Monkeys, redone, and then dropped back off in new and awesome condition free of charge? The commercials looked so promising, I had to tune in.

Now the bad news. These must be the two Most Boring Canadian Born Gay Repairmen ever. With echanges like this:

"You cut the hole there, eh? I'm going to the store."

"Okay."

*scene of cutting hole there*

"I'm back."

"Okay."

"Let's put this together, eh?"

"Okay."

"This is going to look good."

"They're going to be suprised."

"Did you cut the hole, eh?"

"Yup."

"Good."

You can see why I was a bit disapointed. Alright. So these guys don't quite have that Sparkling Gay Canadian Personality I was craving. At least I'll learn something, right?

Wrong. The show seems to have been edited by Jethro Tull. Often times I'd get through one of those montage 'getting things done' scenes and forget if I was still watching the same show. There was very little in the way of explanation of what they did. Some of the things were never even mentioned, but clearly were done to the object.

Well, maybe the show's saving grace would be the reaction of the owners when they see the newly fixed object? Nope. The first reaction shows a woman looking out her front door and then going back inside. You can tell that they cut at that point and informed the people that they were going to be on TV, and so they came out and acted shocked. The second set of owners' reaction is so over the top that you know for a fact that the director was not taking any chances.

So, on a scale of 1 to 10, I give Junk Brothers a giant ONE, as in one fingered salute. The moral is, never trust a Canadian, let alone Two Gay Canadian Lite Ice Fix It Twins.

Murk.

All for the Money.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Its that time of year again, for all WWE fans out there to get MAX horneyness. For it is time for the $250,000 Diva Search. Where supposly 8 Women pretend to be Diva's just for the change to get 250k. The first women to be elimated, was tonight. Her name was Amy. She said in an Interview, that "I wanted this real bad." Was she telling us about the WWE Job, Prolly not. She was more then likley talking about the $250,000 prize. Below is a picture of the Diva's. I edited something that is wrong with each of them.

:( Unlike last year, All of them where Class A Whores, so they where all hot. Where here there is only 1. So... :(. The people who work in WWE have bad taste in the "Future Diva's" They picked this year. *Holds head down in shame.*

A WikiWTF?

A Favor to ask of my fellow WoWers

If anyone has the ability to download music, can you please see if you can find a the following song for me:


'Yen On a Carousel'

Artist: Dave Grusin
Composer: Dave Grusin
CD Title: Ocean's Twelve
Label: Warner Bros.

Thank you!

You are all green with envy part II

Guess what else Malach is in possession of . . .
Beyond Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, Malach is also in possession of another rare and cool thing. Known collectively as the "Who Wants to Die" Elmo. Evidently the manufacturer of this book (Potty Time With Elmo) put in some type of cheap ass soundboard subpar audio compression, and instead of the phrase sounding like "Uh Oh, Who wants to go" . . . it says 'Uh Oh, Who wants to die!". Check out the YouTube Video on it from Malach's Favorite News Station Boston's Channel 7 News (somewhere between news, tabloid, and MTV).



I suppose Murk and I will have to now interview Elmo about this on the next podcast. It also just proves the Cap'ns point in his latest WoW post about Children's Television.

WoW, helping you males teens makes sense of puberty.
Today's seach hit phrase of the day is:
is it okay to get an erection from hugging
You see, WoW does perform an essential public service.

I am Malach and who's ready to die?

So...


would you like to see my belly too?

The Evil Media Landscape that is Kids Daytime Television.

Each workday morning, I sit with my sons in bed and we watch some typical kids television shows such as The Wiggles, Higglytown Heros, Sesame Street, Teletubbies, etc. Well, this morning, as I drank my coffee and cuddled with my boys, I realized something.

Something... terrible. Something... disturbing:
Kids television is inherently racist!

Yes! It's true! Most of these shows are about bossy white men and their token minorities! Don't believe me? Look at this!!!

Let's start with The Teletubbies:
Tinky Winky is the purple, clearly white male leader of this creepy, nonsensical imaginary chain gang. Why is he purple? Because that's the color of royalty and the white males are always the monarchs. Next we have Dipsy, the little green monster. Dipsy is clearly supposed to be a slightly-stupid black male. Notice the darker "skin" color on the face? Why is he green? Because he is green with envy that he is not white. Ok, now we move on to Laa-Laa. She is yellow. Yellow = Asian. Duh! She even has yellowish "skin" tone in her face. Finally, we have Po. Po is the subservient white female with the black rap artist wannabe name. Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

Now, we move on to Disney's The Little Einsteins:
Oh boy. Another white male driven group of smart ass misfits. Leo, the Alpha Male, is an annoying, smarty-pants mother fucker who rules over the rest of them. Annie, the dumb blonde white female simply does whatever she is told to do. Quincy (Jones?!?!) is our token African American who is usually playing some sort of jazz-related instrument (WHY NOT JUST GIVE HIM A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN WINGS?) And then we have June. June is a bit of an anomaly because... well, look at her eyes. They're a bit oval and squinty. Is she supposed to be Asian? If so, WTF? And then we come to rocket. Rocket is red. Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

OK, here comes Higglytown Heroes:

I'll keep this one short. Eubie... large white dominant male. Kip... clumsy Asian in glasses. Twinkle (!??!)... black female who is always coming out with stupid conspiracy theories when something goes wrong on the show. Kip... another typical white male. And then we have Fran, the maternal red squirrel. Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

Finally, we have The Wiggles:

These guys aren't so bad... or are they? Let's see. You've got Anthony (who looks a lot like my friend Boxy) wears blue and is always hungry (hungry for WHITE POWER, no doubt.) Greg, in the yellow jersey performs magic tricks (MAGIC TRICKS MEANT TO TEASE AND DEMEAN THE MINORITIES!) Jeff, the token Asian in the purple shirt always falls asleep at any given moment (BECAUSE HE IS A LAZY MINORITY!) Then, there is Murry. He is obsessed with playing the guitar and he wears a red jersey. Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

There are several other shows that follow this disturbing racist trend meant to teach our children the true meaning of American society (huh?), but let's talk about some good shows.


Ola! It's Dora The Explorer:

This is a well balanced, diverse, pretty good show that teaches kids the importance of being bilingual in a steadily growing Spanish America. She gets lost a lot on the show, but there's a always a white map ready to show her the way. Wait a minute... a WHITE map? Uh oh! I won't even talk about Swiper the masked Red Fox who steals everything! Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

And now... the classic... Sesame Street:

This is a decent example of a well balanced breakfast show. But, lately, the writers and producers of Sesame Street are getting carried away with that little red fucker Elmo. Why red? I have a theory on that, but it is too offensive to post up here. This article alone is going far enough.

Another classic CNN.com moment...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

You are all green with Envy . .

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Why?
About a year ago, Malach's son stumbled on a strange VHS at a yard sale. Since it was only Fity Cents, Malach picked it up. Well lo and behold, Malach has a rare copy of Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue. Bad does not describe this 1990 "Just Say No To Drugs" cartoon featuring a plethora of 80s and 90s cartoon heroes, including: Alf, Bugs Bunny, The Chipmunks, The Smurfs, The Muppet Babies (a fave of mine), Winnie the Pooh, TMNT, Garfeild, and more. Muscial numbers, ultra cheesy bad guys, and the token smoking marijuana leads you down the road to crime, and crack addiction. Funny, funny, funny. Even a quick message from Dubya Senior and Babs. Should of shown this video to Dubya Jr.

You can check it out on YouTube. Your life will be better for doing so junkie. Or go buy one on Ebay.

GIANT FUGGIN' UNDERPANTS

Ohh Man, this is funny.

I am Malach and don't do drugs, unless you want to be cool.

I give you the soundtrack of WoW

1) The Poem about Murk and Malach By: Captain Flak Paperpants
Malach is king

Murk can sing
I am not worthy
of their anything

Malach goes bam
Murk can slam
I am not enjoying
this particular jam

Malach is Matt
Murk isn't Pat
I am not tit
to their superior tat

2)Sorry Malach by Dr. R. Murk.
Hey kids!!!! The theme song is dead!!!!

Mana mana The theme song's over.
Mana mana The theme song's dead.
Mana mana The theme song's over
I killed it
It's overI'm so glad it's fucking gone!

3) Chuckaconda by Malach?
CHUCKACONDE!

CHUCKACONDE!

Chuckaconde, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chuckaconde
Let me rock you, that's all I wanna do
Chuckaconde, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chuckaconde
Let me rock you, let me feel for you
Chuckaconde let me tell you what I wanna do
Do you feel for me, the way I feel for you
Chuckaconde let me tell you what I wanna do
I wanna love you, wanna hug you, wanna squeeze you too
Let me take you in my arms
Let me fill you with my charms, Chucka
'Cause you know that I'm the one to keep you warm
Chucka, I'll make you more than just a physical dream
I wanna rock you, CondeBaby, cause you make me wanna scream
Let me rock you, rock you


This can be bought on the WoW super store.

All the money will go to..

CONTEST!

Friday, July 14, 2006

The 2nd Annual Cartoon Orbit: The Complete Guide/RubberSuit Studios Create-A-Comic Contest.
Read everything you need to know here. I am looking for judges, and other prizes if anyone wants to donate something.

Perhaps Murk, a signed CD of the Murk and Malach show?

I am Malach, the contest master!

 
 
 
 
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